I Think He Meant LIBATION Day
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Pistol Pete Reintroduces World to 1950’s Telephone Party Line
Never one to pass up the opportunity to pump up a party, Secretary of Defence Pete Hegseth has gone retro and started using the free commercial phone app Signal that lets people listen in to his cool defense department ideas like missile deployment and bombing run dates. “That’s Pete,” said Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard. He’ll get a wild hair, spike up a martini, and call a meeting. Usually he prattles on about missiles and drones and army stuff. It gets kind of confusing. But he’s all about transparency and having a good time, so it’s nice he figured out a way to provide a chat room that is so easily accessible.
With pressure mounting concerning the appropriatness of using a commercial app to conduct a defense department conference involving classified material, President Trump had this to say. “There was no classified information involved. I know because I’m the president and can declassify anything I want. So if this was classified, I now declare it unclassified. I dont’ know if it was classified because this is the first I’ve heard about this thing, whatever it is. But this is another example of the lame-stream media pushing their Trump Derangement Syndrome, and there’s no one more deranged than this Atlantic magazine guy. It’s a crappy magazine by the way. Sales are way down. Nobody reads it. This is the guy that should be going to jail! This Goldberg guy. He should have spoken up! It’s like the old Ma Bell party line. Remember that? Back in the 50’s. We love the 50’s don’t we. We had a party line when I was little. Lot’s of yelling on the phone back then. ‘Get off the phone! It’s my turn!’ Old man Snyder. Big man, old man, always hogging the phone line. It’s like that. Get off the line! This whole thing is just a big hoax. Another witch hunt! Guys like Goldberg are scum, always nosing around where they have no business. How the hell did this guy get on this call anyway?”
Seriously, that is a very large question. We do know the “who” part. That is National Security Advisor Mike Walz. The Jeff Goldberg chat invite came from him and he admitted it. Entwined in the obfuscation and flat out lying by participants in this monumental fiasco is that undeniable fact he had to admit was true. Given that taking responsibilty for anything by anyone in the Trump administration is the moral and political equivalent of a root canal procedure, at least Walz didn’t try to muck things up with typical Republican denial and deflection. But when it came to the “how” part, watching him try and explain that to Fox News commentator Laura Ingraham was downright painful to watch. Somehow Goldberg’s phone number just got “sucked in” to Walz’s phone, according to Walz. So Walz figured, and probably rightfully so knowing Trump’s distain for unfaltering media, it was less damning to admit to using a device that vacuums up phone numbers from strangers than admitting he has had conversations with Goldberg.
You can bet Trump is very concerned about the “how.” Walz knows that. And whenever he thinks about his vindictive boss contemplating the “how,” his response, one typically barely heard, could very well be audible to anyone in the next room. What Walz has to say about the “how” in that context is “Gulp.”
Trump Changes Mind. New Official U.S. Language Will be Russian
Just a few days after proclaiming English as the official language of the United States, President Trump has changed his mind and decided Russian will be his choice going forward. The modification is yet another example of the president’s implementation of his plan to think on the fly during his second administration. Confusing vacillations on tariffs, firing then rehiring federal employees, cutting off and then reinstating funds for federal agencies, on then off then on again with military and intelligence aid to Ukraine, are examples of his current approach to governing, a stategy you would typically recognize if you are the caretaker of someone with advanced dementia. And one must not forget his signature volte-face. After campaigning on the promise to lower food prices on day one of his presidency, by day 45 he decided that a more satisfying experience for the country’s citizens would be to reward them with “a little bit of pain.” The Big Waffle
It has emerged that there are a couple of recent decisions the president plans to flip-flop on in the next few days. He has decided to rescind his posthumous pardon of baseball legend Pete Rose after he found out about all the bases he stole. And he has soured on his support of the proposed Trump/Gaza revitalization plan since he learned the golden statue of his image was only eight stories tall. Now We Know Why Trump Inspected Fort Knox
“Melania! Help me find my house keys!”
Trump Introduces Novel Immigrant Exchange Dynamic
It has emerged that President Trump has initiated a unique component to his sweeping immigrant removal policy. Presidential advisor Steven Miller called it the “White 4 Brown Initiative,” and explained it this way. “The administration is succesfully removing the free loading, crime infested riff raff from our country, and as part of the administration’s death to DEI policy, the president feels we now have room to accept the kind of people he knows will be assets to our great nation.”
Miller went on to promote the anchoring feature of the initiative, the president’s new Gold Card, a very special sort of Green Card that for all intents and purposes automatically bestows citizenship to anyone willing to pay the 5 million dollar entry fee. When queried about discrimination and token vetting conflicts which might allow a shifty Russian oligarch to take up residence, Miller replied that anyone with 5 million dollars in liquid assets is obviously someone of good character and more importantly, white. “The president knows people and he knows people with lots of money are the best kind of people. That’s why he packed his cabinet with billionaires and lets the richest man in the world make his decisions for him. It’s what great leaders do.”
OUT IN
A more controversial aspect of the White 4 Brown policy emerged with the arrival of Andrew and Tristan Tate on Florida’s shores. Safe in the Arms of Trump’s America
When asked about the logic behind replacing deported immigrant rapists and sex traffickers with white rapists and sex traffickers, Miller responded by reminding everyone that the judicial system is always out to get white people, and therefore the Tate brothers are likely victims of a witch hunt. “It is a priority of the president to make sure the weaponization of the judiciary that so blatantly persecuted him will only persecute proper people in the future,” Miller stated.
OUT IN
In a related story, convicted then commuted seditionist Enrique Tarrio says he is seriously considering his candidacy for a Florida seat in the House of Representatives. Asked for a comment, President Trump said he wished him good luck and he couldn’t be prouder of that Proud Boy.
Federal Employees Don’t Deserve a Pay Check Says Federal Employee Who Works at Government’s Least Productive Department
Displaying a lack of self awareness of biblical proportions, Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene wasted no time escoriating federal workers during a House Oversight and Reform Committee hearing yesterday, Pot vs. Kettle saying things like “those are not real jobs” and “federal employees do not deserve their jobs.”
The U.S. House of Representatives is affectionally known as the place to go to not get things done, but MTG might be the super star in the galaxie of govermental inefficiency. Outside of passing a bill renaming a local Georgia Post Office, her accomplishments do not amount to much more than inappropriate screaming during a State of the Union Address, initiating out of control shouting matches with fellow members of congress, harrassing a Parkland shooting survivor, and creepily fixating on a Hunter Biden dick pic. Let’s hear it for MTG- standing up for what’s wrong with the federal government.
Here’s a thought for the MUSKrat. Maybe do a DOGE deep dive into the daily activity of MTG. I for one am interested. If you’re truly looking to find the blubber that’s clogging the federal efficiency machinery, look no further than the whale on Capitol Hill.
Trump Confident in Musk’s Kiddie Corps Qualifications
A massive spike in reports of fraudulent activity has the entire nation on edge. In the last few days there have been over 90,000 incidents of non-deliverd Social Security checks, at least 120,000 hacked checking accounts, and more than 700,000 people have filed stolen identity complaints. Recent activity by some of the computer programers that Elon Musk assigned to breach the U.S. Treasury Department’s data base has raised suspicion.
Nineteen year and recent high school grad Steve Vanity was the first to raise an alarm when he was seen this week driving a Lamborghini Huracan. Later, after police raided an under-age drinking party in his hometown, 42 of his former classmates were found in possesion of fake identification.
Twenty one year old Irvin Maskovitz, until recently know only as the “campus nerd” at his local college, was surprising admitted to Alpha Gammu Mu, the most notoriously hedonistic fraternity at the school. He was granted a pass on normal pledging and hazing customs and immediately elected chapter treasurer after he arranged for the purchase of a 20 bedroom mansion at the edge of the school’s property.
During an impromptu press conference today President Trump assured everyone that these and all reports about any nefarious activity by Elon Musk or his associates were fabricated, the work of witches, and of course hoaxes generated by the enemy of the people.
Steve Vanity Irvin Maskovitz
Proud Boys Leader Will Be New Trump Lovefest Czar
During a signing fury of executive orders today President Trump created a new Trump Lovefest Department and appointed the leader of the Proud Boys militant group, Enrique Tarrio, to head it. Merit Based Job Opportunity . Stephen Miller, President Trump’s Deputy Chief of Staff, said the president thought the last Trump Lovefest held at the Capitol Building seemed a bit unorganized, and he thinks it is important to have someone at the top that is experienced in lovefesting to conduct the next Trump Lovefest.
After a quick ceremony the President made a brief statement. “Rick I know you’re right for the job, right for the country for that matter. You got things moving along nicely on J6. What a day, a beautiful day of love, love was, you saw it everywhere. I’ve never seen so much love. Such a loving day now we just call it J6. All you need is love, Right Ricky? Like your sun glasses by the way. The lights! They are bright. I might have to get me a pair of those. So, keep the love flowing Ricky. I know you’ll do a good job.”
President Trump shook hands with Mr. Tarrio, and Mr. Tarrio said it was an honior to serve the president and he appeciated the opportunity. As a cost saving measure, he also said his affiliated lovefesters would supply the necessary accouterments typically used at the last Trump Lovefest. The president said he really appreciated that patriotic spirit, and as a thank you his administration would approve funding for an upgrade for the Trump Lovefest centerpiece. When asked when the next Trump Lovefest would be taking place, President Trump said “We’ll have to wait and see.” He also said everyone should be sure and check out the new additions to the official Trump Store.
New Trump Store Merch Prototype of Trump Lovefest Centerpiece Upgrade
Hangin’ with the GOP
Pete Hegseth’s Confirmation Hearing: What we know- He is surrounded by multiple allegations of sexual misconduct and a rape accusation for which he paid off a woman as part of a non-disclosure agreement, and various other mysogynistic conduct that even his own mother condemned, has a long history of alcohol abuse, has made blatant anti-Islamic comments, and was forced to step down from leadership of two veterans organizations, racking up over a 400K debt at one of them. The man’s only job qualification seems to be emplyment with Fox News where he holds down the couch on the week end version of Fox and Friends, but is the man Trump has chosen to lead the storming the beaches of …
Greenland. This country has lots of cool stuff- offshore oil, and under the frozen surface a dreamscape of rare earth elements and prescious metals. And ice, lots and lots of ice. Ice that is melting at an alarming rate, which creates all sorts of problems related to …
Climate change. It’s in the news lately for all sorts of reasons, not the least of which are rising sea levels, altered ocean currents and weather patterns due to ice melt, but most prominently because of the California wild fires. Apopalyptic destruction seems to always spur the best GOP climate deniers into action, but do all the finger pointing and pontificating you want, lush vegetation growth spurred by floodwaters rapidly drying out under historically hot weather conditions creates enough fuel for an uncrontrollable inferno. Throw in record breaking winds picking up speed blowing through canyons and downhill and you better get out of the way of what is forthcoming. It is so Republican to politicize tragedy and threated to restrict emergency funding, but that’s what they do. What’s to stop Democrats from threatening to do the same to Louisiana or Florida or Iowa every time homes are rebuilt below sea level, in an historic hurricaine corridore, or a flood plain? Common sense and compassion more than likely. But the incoming administration is poised to implement as much of their cruel Project 2025 as possible, and it includes reversing any regulations intended to protect the environment. That has to resonate alarmingly to people living in …
Greenland. Besides the abundance of natural assets already mentioned, that territory has strict regulations that protect wildlife and the environment and stopped oil and gas exploration last year. Greenlanders have free healthcare and a generous social security system. With rumors of a government takeover by a country presided over by a convicted felon, sex offender and racist and with a legislative body that withholds disaster funding from its citizens unless they do exactly as they wish simply to score political points, I doubt if the people of Greenland will be standing around the office water cooler saying “Oh ya, give me some of that.”
Marjorie Taylor Greene Demands Investigation of Sugar Bowl
Reminiscent of her involvement in the Republican Party’s abounding number of embarrassing impeachment resolution failures, GOP is Running out of People to Impeach Georgia Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene is demanding an investigation into the outcome of this year’s Sugar Bowl football game. “There is no way Georgia could have lost to Notre Dame,” Greene stated when reached the day after the game. “Georgia was ahead in the first quarter and then all of a sudden Notre Dame scored a bunch of points. That doesn’t make sense. There’s something fishey going on and people need to be held accountable.”
Just who should be investigated was something Greene did not make clear. Specific individuals mentioned by Ms. Greene were the Black side-line referee, and both members of the chain crew, but other than pointing out the offending official was Black and the chain crew was often seen standing next to him, Greene didn’t reveal what other incriminating evidence she possesed.
She did say she had strong suspicions that illegal immigrants If You Say It, They Will Believe and the Catholic Church are involved in the alleged cheating. “The Sugar Bowl was postponed because of that truck driving terrorist in New Orleans, and President Trump found out the guy was an illegal immigrant. The delay gave all the criminals extra time to make sure Notre Dame won the game. And you know who was behind it? The Catholic Church. They have all those leprechauns that can sneak around everywhere- locker rooms, behind the scoreboard, in the room where they inflate the footballs, they can slip in anywhere and you can bet they paid off a couple of referees at some point. You wait. It will eventually all come out. The Pope and his leprechauns are just as bad as the Jews and their lazer beams You’ll see.”
So, we will wait and see.
Trump Suing Local Icon
It has emerged that local television personality, Marge McMuffin, is being sued by President- Elect Trump. Ms. McMuffin, who hosts a weekly baking show on channel 5, said she is totally confused, and the court summons even has Bob Crenshaw, the attorney she has hired to defend her, perplexed. “As I understand it, the issue revolves around chocolate cake,” Crenshaw realted. “Apparently on one episode of Marge’s cooking show, she baked a chocolate cake, and made a comment that was something to the effect that it was better than any you can get at Mar-a Lago. If I am reading the paperwork correctly, Mr. Trump believes this is a defamation of cake complaint.”
Amazingly, it seems Crenshaw’s analysis is correct. When asked about the case, Mr. Trump adamantly defended his cake. “There is no way there is any chocolate cake that is better than the one they make here at Mar-a-Lago,” Trump said. It’s the best, most beautiful cake, and everyone says they’ve never tasted anything like it. People can’t just go around saying things that aren’t true. I have no choice but to sue. It’s expensive, but i have to do it. I can’t believe the Justice Department isn’t looking into this, but that’s something I will definatley be addressing when I am in office. The days of treating me unfairly will finally end.”
In a realted incident, Chanel 5 weekend newscaster Wolfe Fetcher was found dead in a gruesome heap directly below his 9th story appartment balcony. A distraught Ms. McMuffin, beside herself with grief, said Fetcher was a cherished friend and she was grateful for his insight and support. “Going on air and stating this lawsuit business was the dumbest thing he ever heard of really meant a lot to me,” she said.
Ms. McMuffin seen here collecting items for her lobster bake
City coroner Shelly Evens is certain there was no foul play involved in the death of Wolfe Fetcher