Fresh off the retail success of his Bible sales, Donald Trump says he is extremely excited to share his limited supply of the relics of Jesus Christ with his loyal followers.  “People don’t really know this but I have a nice,  beautiful,  chunk of the Holy Cross,” Trump said during a pre-marketing  discussion with reporters.  “And the piece I have is one of the best, probably the best piece, with..well, I had a real smart guy, sharp guy, like an…apraiser of old  antiques.  He pointed out a blood stain, a pretty big blood stain, on the piece I have and so that makes it one of the best out there.  So I have carpenters, the best carpenters,  standing by to whittle off whatever someone would want.  I have, like, small, medium and large, um… slivers.  I think the small, and it’s small, like really tiny… that goes for $69.99.  You’re better off with a medium of course.  That goes for $89.99.  And the best deal is the large.  That goes for $99.99. That size will really stand out, and people will know you are a true patriot or uh… believer.  Hang it on the wall and it really looks nice.  Beautiful.”

Asked why he decided to part with such a  sacred possession, Trump said he was inspired by the Bible.  “People really like the Bible, it’s like, of all the books, it’s probably everyone’s favorite. You know the sales for my Bible were like, fantastic.  So I asked myself, what do I have people would really like, really appreciate.  And I thought, Bible, religion… Christianity.  You know we have to get back to that. People want that.  And of course there’s this thing now.  You know I hate to brag but everyone says I’m like… Jesus.  And you can understand.  All the persecution.  I’m being persecuted.  All the time.  And, and everyone knows I’m doing it for them.  For them.  Just like Jesus.  And I have this piece of the cross.  Why not share it?  People will really go for that.  They’ll look at it and be reminded how much I’ve suffered for them…and Jesus too, of course.  Me and Jesus.”

When asked how he was able to procure his section of the cross, Trump said he prefered not to discuss that.  “These things, religous things, they’re personal.  People ask me all the time, they walk up and say, ‘sir, what’s your favorite Bible passage?’  I tell them that’s too personal.  That’s between me and God,” Trump said. ” Same thing with the cross, and, and  the circumcision..  Jesus’s circumcision.  A guy came up and asked me…a big guy, strong guy…he said ‘sir’,…he knew I had Jesus’s foreskin.  Not many people know I have that, but this guy did, and he said ‘sir, how in the world did you get ahold of Jesus’s foreskin.’  Well, that’s really, I mean, super personal.  I’m not going to discuss Jesus’s…well, anybody’s… foreskin with him.  With anyone.  That’s REALLY personal.  People don’t know it, but the circumcision used to be a big thing in the church.  There was like… a holiday and everything.  It was like the 4th of July.  A really big deal. You don’t hear about it much anymore, but way back… it was really big.  And talk about personal.  I mean, come on.  Jesus’s foreskin!  To be honest I didn’t know much about it for a long time.  I read about it, maybe, or someone told me about it, I can’t remember, but just by luck I happend to get ahold of it.  Now, you know there’s not much there to work with.  I mean, come on!  It’s the kid’s schlong…not much you can divy up. But… you talk about rare!  Limited edition!  Limited.  LIM-I-TED!  So…I’ve talked to my people, good people, pastors, and church leaders, all sorts of leaders…just, only the Christian churches and leaders of course, and… they all think this is really, really valuable stuff.  I mean they say it’s like worth.. in the millions.”

The question on the minds of most of the reporters was just how would Mr. Trump “divy up” the Savior’s foreskin.  For now Mr. Trump said he could not give a precise answer.  “I have to work that out with my people, and we’ll just have to wait and see,” Mr. Trump stated. Apparently dealing with the deilcate tissue requires sensitive handling.  He did mention that whatever was decided in the way of dissemination, ultimately the ownership opportunities would be few.  To curtail some of the disappointment, Mr. Trump said since so many people consider him to be the new Messiah, he was pretty sure he could locate his own circumsized foreskin and offer it for distribution as well.  “They say that would sell like hot cakes, the hottest hotcakes. The religious…my religous followers, my favorite people.  They might really go for that. You never know how anything will go. We’ll just have to wait and see. ” So as always with Trump, we all must just wait and see.

The official investigation of the tragic collapse of the Francis Scott Key Bridge might take  awhile to complete, but you know what they say- time is money.   So in the interest of time I thought I would do everyone a favor and synopsize how the events unfolded according to a crack team of Republican influencers.   The cargo ship’s collision with the bridge was an intentional attack (Rep. Marjorie Taylor Green) probably terrorist in nature (Steve Bannon), no doubt a sabotage event conducted by undocumented immigrants (Maria Bartiromo) who were brainwahed by DEI programs (State Rep. Phil Lyman, Elon Musk ), and who selected as a target a bridge weakened by Biden’s infrastructure bill that places way too much emphasis on climate change (Rep. Nancy Mace), with all said nefariousness ultimaley conducted and coordinated by President Biden’s weaponized Department of Justice. ( Sen. Eric Schmitt).

Public Servants at Your Service

Rest assured members of  this dedicated cohort thoroughly researched this situation in their usual expeditious manner.  There is never an opportune occasion whereby they deprive the nation of their expertise. These are seasoned public informants, capable of quickly ascertaining the most minute details of any unanticipated crisis.  When a gigantic cargo ship the length of the Eiffel Tower and transporting 4,700 shipping containers with a total weight of 116,000 tons looses power and all propulsion  in the middle of the surging current of a large river, who could doubt their commanding comprehension of such a merritime calamity .

As we all know our country is about to experience one of its darkest hours.  All America anxiously awaits another carefully crafted explanation that will be offered by the ever expanding body of wisdom that resides within the ranks of the GOP.  It is they, and only they, who can provide proper warning of, and hopefully extraction from, the talons of wokeness that clutch us with paralyzing fear. We can count on them to furnish a clear understanding of how Joe Biden’s deep state is about to remove the sun from the sky and plunge the nation into total blackness on April 8th.  Prepare yourselves!

Members of the Conference of American Panpsychists concluded their annual meeting in Indianapolis today, and the primary concern that was unanimously approved and adopted into their yearly mission statement was a warning about former President Trump’s pants.  Panpsychist’s anchoring premise is a belief that consciousness is a fundamental aspect of reality, and as such resides everywhere in the universe, including inanimant material.  In a nutshell, the organization wants the general public to be aware that there is a distict possibility that Donald J. Trump’s pants might spontaneously ignite at any moment.

“In the entire history of the world we have no evidence of anyone so blatantly lying like Mr. Trump does,” said Thomas Blwynchrnykk, the group’s communication director and spokesman.  “Just during his time in office, over 30,000 of his lies  were documented.  We have no kind of record of his fabrications before that time, but we concluded it would have to be substantial.  And since his administration, our statistical department has recorded  over 4,000 of his lies.  Those are just the ones we know about, like the 2,126 times he promoted his Big Lie of a stolen election.  We estimate the total number of his falsehoods since leaving office to be in the 10,000 range, and even that seems conservative.

Mr. Blwynchmykk said no one can be certain when, or even if, Mr. Trump’s pants will combust, but he said his organization is  alarmed enough to firmly believe it has a responsiblilty to issue an alarm.  “The universe is aware of Mr. Trump’s deceits.  Consciousness is an all  pervasive ether. Everything surrounding Mr. Trump is listening- people certainly, but likewise, tables, walls, trees, rocks and yes, toilets.  We do not know the absolute number of lies it takes to push the creation mechanism over the brink, but I would imagine that cosmic power can be restrained for just so long.  What we are recommending is to maintain a minimum of 15 feet between yourself and Donald Trump’s pants.”

Let’s see.  What’s there to be pissed about today.  Of course there isn’t a day that goes by without a Trump complaint.  I appologize.  I’m always dipping into that well.  It’s just so full and deep though.  Now he’s comparing himself to Navalny.  On one hand you have the Russian dissident who courageously returned to his country knowing full well he would be jailed after a sham trial,  only to be poisoned and die in prison.  And on the other you have a guy who has been convicted of sexual assault and fraud, has been indicted for 91 more crimes, and has utilized every  opportunity available to exploit our very democratic system of judicial due process.  Although half the county would like to see him in jail, he isn’t yet and likely he never will be.  Even though a court ruling has exposed his supposed business brilliance  as  fraud, very much unlike Navalny, he will have afforded to him the protection of America’s constitutional do-over- our appellate courts.  There Trump has, with decent legal representation, a reasonable chance his millions in penalties will at least be reduced.

Then you have Trump’s new grift, the one that lacks his usual originality.  It’s that black faux credit card thing,  This time it apparently is metal, and black.  As is the case with his first one, which I think is plastic, no one has any idea what it is good for.  At least you could probably scrape ice off your windshield with the first one.  Metal might scratch your glass.*

We also have the House impeachment proceedings entertaining us right now.  Come on guys!  You’re supposed to get  your shit in order BEFORE you put on your show.  After the Smirnov fiasco, the doubters are suggesting you give up the chase.  I know you are nothing if not persistent though.  Bengazi comes to mind.  Don’t you have something better to waste your time on?  Personally I don’t care.  Go ahead and keep plodding away if you really think Biden is corrupt.  The thing that really bothers me with this whole Smirnov debacle is the Fox News contribution.  That outlet mentioned the document involving Smirnov’s fictitious testimony endlessly for the past year.  Hannity probably dwelled on it a hundred  times.  But you think the channel will post any kind of an apology?  No sir, they wont mention a thing, and thus a third of the country won’t know anything about the latest duping of the GOP.  So go ahead.  Keep on with your investigation or whatever you call it.  For a change, however, you might want to be a bit more thorough with your  source verification, and keep in mind if you don’t and your witness is another backfire, you not only look once more like boobs but also chillingly complicit in Russian conspiratorial election interference.

OK. Those things are aggravating to me.  But  right now, in the present, what really pisses me off has to do with our incongruous gun laws and gun culture, specifically as related to recent disclosure of what went on during the victory celebration for the Kansas City Chiefs. From the initial general reporting you can figure Missouri has some of the less restictive gun laws in the country.  Twenty three people hit by gunfire, with one death.  I honestly don’t know the specific gun laws of Missouri.  My guess would be they must pretty much entail a vigilante’s wet dream- open carry, or concealed carry,  permitless, no training.  But what really struck me was something that was mentioned in an article I read yesterday.  According to the aritcle, almost immediately after the shootings, the Missouri legislature passed a law banning “celebratory gunfire in the cities.”  Well, that is encouraging.  But wait, what?  So, previous to passing this bill, they thought  it was a good idea to allow a large gathering of pistol packing morons to simultaneously  just blaze away at the clouds hovering above?  And I wonder, was it possible to join in the rauccous revelry with an assult rifle in Kansas City?  That was like, normal?  The worst case fears of anyone having sensible reflection of what can happen in an environment combining gun powder and testosterone  just transpired in Kansas City.  Investigators still don’t know how may people were carrying how many guns that fired how many bullets.  They know 23 people were hit.  How only one perished is an absolute miracle.

Damn I hope our legislature is paying attention. Nebraska law makers recently jettisoned the state backwards into 19th century Dodge City and Tombstone.  Worth mentioning: The trigger that triggered all the nervous trigger fingers into action in KC was the simple fact that one of the shooters didn’t approve of the way someone in the crowd was looking at him.  Referendum anyone?

*for more Trump grifting awareness, see my blog article “The Big Pimp”

This is new.  Melania is center stage in Trump’s latest grift, as well as his primo defense in the upcoming hush money case.  On Valentines day half of America got a bazaar fundraising message wherein Trump sought to demonstrate the depth of his love for his third wife Melania by refering to his lengthy list of criminal charges. If you want to see it just do the google thing.  Then you can click, and for a variety of suggested dollar amounts you can also send your love to Melania.  Say it with cash.  It’s the Trump way.

Not only is Trump counting on Melania  to provide him with some quick cash, but she is basically his entire defense in the upcoming New York  hush money suit.  Extracting himself from that predicament will require his attorneys to fancy talk a jury into believing that in paying off a porn star, he was only trying to keep Melania from finding out what a dick he is, rather than criminally falsifying business records.  Seems like a hard pull.  I mean, Trump might have snowed Melania with an eye-blindingly garish life style for a little while, but even she probably figured out what a mysogynistic superficial turd he his after living with him for a couple years.  OK.  A couple months. Um, weeks?  Chances are pretty good a jury will figure that out within two hours. Besides college basketball madness in March this year, the Political Entertaiment Champion of the World could very well provide us with some lingual gymnastices the likes of which we have never seen.

Early this morning angry Trump supporters smashed windows and set fire to the front door of the Tillson House in Dixville Notch New Hampshire, the town’s polling place for voting this year.  Apparently the mob was triggered by a Truth Social rant that Trump sent after Nikki Haley received all 6 of the hamlet’s votes.

Shortly after 1am this morning, Trump sent out this message: “RIGGED ELECTION IN DIXVILLE NOTCH!!  NASTY NANCY PELOSI, NASTY NANCY, GOT 100% OF VOTES!!  ALL POLLING NUMBERS SHOWED I WAS  LEADING HUGLEY!!!  WE CAN’T STAND FOR THIS!!  LOT’S OF SHIFTY THINGS GOING ON AT MIDNIGHT HERE- WHOEVER HEARD OF MIDNIGHT VOTING!!  NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS AFTER MIDNIGHT.  COMMUNIST DEMS ARE RIGGING OUR ELECTIONS!  MUST TAKE ACTION!!!!!”

In a related story, police arrested a half dozen people attempting to break into Nancy Pelosi’s San Francisco home.  Two windows were broken, but no injuries were reported.

Appearing to be running out of fresh people to investigate, House Freedom Caucus members have a surprisingly different target in their sights.  This time it’s not a Biden family member, or a member of the current president’s cabinet, but someone in their own party- Trump rival for the Republican presidential nomination Nikki Haley.

Paritularily adamant in calling for immediate congressional inquirey is Georgia Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene.  What is so disturbing to her is what  former President Trump reported about Nikki Haley during his recent campaign rally.  Mr. Trump mentioned that she was responsible for destroying evidence and ignoring his offer to provide law enforement manpower on January 6th. Demonic Demagogic Dementia

When it was pointed out the former president was obviously confusing Haley with Nancy Pelosi, and the rest of what he said about January 6th was untrue, Ms. Greene insisted that was impossible.  “Everyone knows he has the best  congnitives because he just passed his recent cognitive test with flying colors.  And we all know how honest he is.  If President Trump says it happened, it happened. Period!

Canvassing a number of MAGA Republicans in New Hampshire  today, most offered the same advice we heard from Pete Swizzlestick.  “I sure hope anyone thinking of voting for Nikki Haley is paying attention.  I am so grateful that President Trump is on top of things and letting everyone know about Haley and all the shenanigans that went on with all that January 6th business.”