Monthly Archives: May 2015

Pre-Class Reunion

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How old am I, you ask?  Old enough to attend my 50 year high school reunion, since you seem interested.  In fact, it was exactly 50 years to this very day that I a donned my cap and gown and happily snatched my high school diploma out of the hands of my beloved principal, Fr. Francis Wehri OSB.  And I got lucky with the cap and gown.  Ordinarily, extra layers of clothing cause me to overheat.  But on this particular day in May there was an inch or two of snow on the ground, so I was generally quite comfortable.   Sometimes stuff just naturally works out for me.   Like graduating from high school.  I managed to accomplish that without a setback of any kind.  Then again, I wasn’t one of those univac guys that graduated early and entered college as a sophomore either.  Not that I don’t have a lot of great ideas bouncing around inside my skull.  I just about have my amphibious bicycle idea ready to present to the patent office.  I suppose if I had applied myself better I could have been valedictorian.  But at some point I decided to step aside and let Bob Dostal, Dick Gross, Dick Schlosser, and others battle it out for honors.  I’m nothing if not a nice guy.  In the end I was very content with my life’s progress at that point.  I was 17 and right on target- class of 65, and I was completely confident I was prepared for my college experience.  I went to high school at Assumption Abbey, a  Catholic  preparatory school for boys located in Richardton, ND.  Here is a picture of it back then (picture #1.)

Assumption Abbey Then

Assumption Abbey Then- Picture #1

images-1 2

Assumption Abbey Now- Picture #2

 

 

 

I’m not sure my source is entirely credible, but from what I hear Picture #2 is what the Abbey looks like now.  I can’t quite figure what happened between then and now, but I can tell you some mighty fierce winds blew through the area in my day.  I plan on taking a good look around when I’m there in August for the reunion.  I’ll get the story from the Benedictine’s who run the place.  I am hoping there are a few of them that are still alive who would remember me.  I have to tell you I have unfavorable expectations of that happening though.  As a group my class really wore them down.  The calories consumed to calories expended ratio had to be completely out of whack for the men in black if you consider the effort it took for them to beat the unholy shit out of us.  We were relentless, and our creativity boundless, when it came to giving them a good work out.  I would venture to say many of them had to eat an extra meal and take a two hour nap daily just to keep from passing out from exhaustion.  All that wear and tear had to take a toll.

But let’s face it.  A reunion is mostly about reconnecting with old friends and acquaintances, at least the ones that are still alive.  I can’t wait to see them and find out what my old buddies look like now.  Some of us will probably get together and make fun of this guy or that guy, just like we did in  high school.  What a hoot!  As a reminder, if any of you guys make fun of me, Wayne LaPierre’s son is my next door neighbor.  He and I have become pretty good friends over the years.  He’s an even bigger psycho than his dad and believe me he’d be absolutely thrilled to take on the challenge of hunting you down.  Just a friendly head’s up.

I’m really excited to hear all the life’s stories that went on after we graduated.  I bet there are some doozies.  There will be guys telling me about their careers, their family, and they will probably tell me about interesting vacations they took.  Before I forget, here is a picture that my wife took of me playing Santa Clause during a little vacation we took this past Christmas.  This was on the beach at Bali.muscular santa claus show

Of course the best stories will involve our pranks and exploits during those high school days gone by.  I still reminisce about playing football at the Abbey.  Lots of times I page through my favorite photo album, and I especially like to show my grandchildren all the pictures I have of me competing in various sporting events.  I have included a few here.  Most of my classmates will recognize them.  American football playerWho can ever forget the picture of me making this diving  catch that sealed the victory against Watford City.   I think Ron Kilber took it, but it could have been Edgar Smith too.  He was always dicking around with one kind of camera or another.  Mike Cummings will try and tell you he actually scored that decisive touchdown, but come on Mike- show me the picture.  I didn’t think so.  One of the favorites of my gr98838andchildren is this picture of me right before I launched the shot put 78ft 4in. for a new state record.  They think that facial expression is hilarious.   I believe Dick Gross took that one.  I am sure he would remember it.  Of course I have a whole bunch of other pictures.  I’ll just show you a couple more.  The one directly below is not of me.Luchador posing You knew that.  This is of the kid from Bismarck I wrestled for the state championship my senior year.  He  always tried to look like a big tough guy, but when I pinned him in 22 seconds of the first period, he didn’t act so tough.  Of the four state wrestling champion trophies I won, I think that one is the one I remember the most.  I wish I could remember where I put all those darn trophies.  Then there is this one of me slam-dunking on a break-away lay-up that time against St. Depositphotos_18297209_xs Mary’s.  In your face, bitches!   I have lots more pictures in my special album I could show you, but you know me.  I hate bragging on myself.  I just save that for the grandkids.  The oldest (he’s eight) thinks some of the pictures don’t look like me. He’s a very precocious kid, but now that I am older and have a beard and such, I know it has to confuse him.  Kids!  They think they know everything.  Everybody likes ass, but nobody likes a smart ass.  That’s what I keep telling him.

Well, ok then.  Like I mentioned, this reunion of mine is in August.  It will be here before you know it.  I’ll take some notes and let you know how it goes.  I will probably drive to Richardton.  It’s about a 10 hour trip I think.  I was considering flying, but I’m not sure I will be able to find my brand of scotch in North Dakota.  That’s why I’m driving.  That way I can just keep it simple and take a case along with me in the car.  I hope that’s enough to see me through.

 

Viagratizing

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If you’re like me you have given some thought to all those Viagra and Cialis commercials out there, and likely that thought is how long you will have to get along without your TV  after you throw a table lamp through it because you just channel surfed to the fourth Viagra or Cialis commercial in five minutes.  Why in the world are these drug companies so obsessed with erectile dysfunction?   Can’t they move on for Pete sakes?  Thanks to them the whole world knows about ED (not to be confused with VD).  But they have saturated the awareness level by now, don’t you think?   There seems to be a lot of pressure on their creative departments to come up with something new to hard sell their products.  At first there were reasonably informative commercials, like the one featuring Bob Dole.  Imagine any politician, even a retired one, admitting to anything remotely embarrassing.  Then along came some semi-inoccuous videos, but they stretched the limits of even the most credulous.  What is the deal with all the bath tubs anyway?   We see an apparent cialitized guy and his partner sitting in separate bath tubs all over the place- at the beach, their home, and I’m not sure if the implication isn’t claiming cialis can make your income grow as well as your shlong, because there is one commercial where these two are sitting in their bath tubs watching the sunset from what appears to be their vacation home.  It could be the manufacturer is attempting to seed the subliminal message that you might be in for sticker shock and only those who can afford a vacation home will have enough reserve cash to purchase their expensive drug.  I have so many questions about those bath tubs.  Will Cialis somehow give me the almost superhuman strength to drag two bathtubs from my bathrooms to my patio and back again?  I have to haul one of them up a very long flight of stairs.  Just the thought of all the disassembly and reassembly of  the plumbing gives me a headache.  Will Cialis get rid of my headaches?  I gotta tell you if Cialis will improve my plumbing skills I might consider paying thirty bucks a tablet.  Every time I tackle a plumbing project, it turns into a disaster.  I usually end up tearing out a section of drywall in order to fix the problem I created when I attempted the initial repair.  Shit I hate that.  Maybe the people in the videos just travel around with two extra bathtubs wherever they go.  I guess that makes more sense.  But what if they fly overseas?  Seems to me the air freight would be exorbitant.  Then again, I guess these guys can afford it if they can afford a vacation home.  And Cialis.

Then there’s a set of similar commercials that are all about a guy who has “reached the age.”  I don’t know if the term “middle age” is offensive to a large group of people, but the pharmaceutical industry must think so, because they seem to want to dodge the issue by replacing it with several more complimentary labels, like, but not limited to, the age of never backing down from a challenge, the age of knowing how to make things happen, the age of knowing a thing or two, and the age of knowing what you’re made of.  I am not sure anymore exactly where I fall in these age brackets, but I’d like to think by now I do know a thing or two.  What I have learned is these fucking commercials are offensive and an assault on privacy.  I’m tired of dodging questions my eight year old granddaughter asks me about Viagra, typically on Sunday before we head out to church.  She expects some clear thought about this shit from a retired pharmacist.  God damn it it’s not up to me to give her the old birds and bees lecture.  Her mother can step up and do that.  I shouldn’t be put in that position.

The latest round of Viagra commercials is really pressing the envelope of good taste though if you ask me.  What we now see are several commercials featuring a number of extremely attractive women who all strut about in various stages of suggestive apparel, seductively brushing hair and slipping  evocative phrases into their dialog.  The one with the gal exclaiming she would rather curl up with her man than a good book more than likely has many ladies in the viewing audience wondering if they shouldn’t set fire to their library cards.  I’d be curious to hear the age-related phrase Eli Lilly has for the stars of these productions.  The age of robbing the cradle comes to mind if their target audience is truly the average American middle aged man.  Typically these commercials are about the lure of sex and how it alters perception.  Is there supposed to be an underlying thought here that if a guy takes Viagra his partner will start to look like one of the hot babes in these commercials?  I know the drug can make you see blue, but that type of vision alteration seems like a stretch.

So, what’s the next step for the advertising arm of these drug companies  The only thing left I can think of is to blast full speed ahead into pornography.  Get ready to witness the penetration of the last frontier in the commercial television world boys.  If anyone can pull this off it’s the pharmaceutical industry.  The next series of ED commercials is going to provide bonerfied pandemonium in us guys dwelling in the age of knowing what we’re made of.  No doubt staring at a fully unclothed vamp moaning and gyrating on your big screen TV set is going to have you recollecting about the age of knowing how to make things happen.   Keep looking at the screen and everything you need to solve this problem is effortlessly going to happen.  You won’t be needing any overpriced Viagra.  Just keep paying your cable bill.

 

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The Power of Non-Diversity

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Let’s say you are an executive at any drug manufacturing company in America with hiring responsibilities.  You have interviewed several candidates for an open sales position in upper Michigan.  The choice comes down to two candidates with equal experience and qualifications.  Here are their pictures.  Which one do you hire?

sexy girl in a red dress with a chic hair Depositphotos_33842503_xs

 

 

 

 

   Candidate #1                                                                                                  Candidate #2

Of course it’s candidate number one!  In fact, there is no doubt in my mind candidate number two would get shut out even if he came into the interviewing room holding hands with the Surgeon General.  It’s just the way it is in pharmaceutical sales.  That seems to be the case with most local and national television news channels as well.  Just take a look at Fox News.  Even ESPN, for years the exclusive domaine of the American male, is moving ever forward in this direction.  And who’s to say the policy doesn’t work. It would with ESPN, you would have to think.  I mean the audience has got to be close to 90% male. Most of the good looking blonds are relegated to sideline reporting anyway.  That job is mostly for show, not substance, so I guess I’d rather be looking at one of them than, say, Tony Siragusa.  Filling payroll slots with someone that’s easy on the eyes couldn’t possibly hurt.  Oh, whoops!  I forgot about Britt McHenry.  It never fails.  It’s just a matter of time before people that self-absorbed end up embarrassing themselves.  An attempt like Britt’s to save face is like trying to bail out of burning airplane by pulling the rip-cord on a shit parachute- the thing isn’t going to open right, you’re going to hit the ground with a thud, and you’ll end up covered with shit.  I say get rid of her, and eliminate the sideline reporting altogether.  What purpose does it serve anyway?   You can tell by the stupid questions asked that the networks and professional teams control content of the questions in the first place.  I hope that’s the case anyway.  The same stupid questions get asked over and over.  If any of these questions are actually an original thought coming from the brain of a sideline reporter, my guess is it’s all her mouth can do to keep from hiding under the bleachers in embarrassment.

When I first started practicing pharmacy, things were really different.  That was 1970.  For at least ten years I never encountered a female of any description hawking drug products.  It was all guys.  In fact. my pharmacy class was 80% male.  It was practically an all male professional world, from top to bottom.  Of course that’s all changed.  Towards the end of my career I became dumbstruck by the number of good looking blonds pharmaceutical companies were hiring.  Not that they spend much time in a pharmacy.  Those days are over also.  As I got older the only reason they came into my pharmacy was to drop off savings coupons for their over-priced drugs, and the sooner they left after the coupon drop off, the better for them  That’s because they didn’t want to have anything to do with explaining how much time is completely wasted trying to load computer data off their precious coupons in order process them.  But in the scheme of things I suppose there’s a fruitful payoff for hiring hot blonds as pharmaceutical sales reps.  Physician contact is what pharmaceutical sales are all about and male ones, at least, are much more responsive to eye candy.   It’s no secret drug companies mince and dice all kinds of data, and know how to manipulate it as well.  But I’d be curious to see the statistical evidence they use to conclude hot blonds are the way to go in pharmaceutical sales.  It seems to me the guys in whatever department this would be making this kind of decision have to believe they have fortuitously fallen into the arms of the mother of all sweet jobs.  I wonder if they take their work home with them?

Looking back, if you didn’t know the circumstances you might think my hiring practices followed a similar pattern.  When I first started working for Target late in my career, I happened to hire four consecutive cute women as pharmacy personnel.  I guess my only accomplishment in the way of diversity was at least two of them were brunettes.  But I didn’t deliberately go out of my way to bring only cute girls on board.   I am absolutely guiltless as far as any charge of ignoring diversity goes.  I was desperate on all occasions and hired the first person that wanted the job.  They all had very good credentials and I wanted all to start working as soon as possible.  They just fell into my lap.  Not that way of course.  What I mean is I got lucky.  Again, not in the way you are thinking.  Is it just me or is it really hot in here?  To be continued.