Monthly Archives: June 2015

Charleston

When I was a kid, during the ages surrounding ten, my friends and I would often engage in our own form of the Civil War.  I almost always ended up as a Confederate, not because I drew the short straw, but because I wanted to.  It had absolutely nothing to do with race and slavery. Growing up in a small town in Wyoming, I had no concrete concept of any of that.  The color gray was simply more appealing to me.  It seemed like a more dominant color, an earthy color that could kick the crap out of blue.  I understood by that time in my life that historically gray came out on the short end of things, but that was not a concern of mine then.  I was ten and playing a game.  It was played with squirt guns and water balloons, and incorporated a version of capture the flag, and I won my share of battles.  By the time I was twelve or so, our neighborhood game of Civil War ended.  Of course there was no official surrender with a signed document or anything.  We all just moved on with our lives.

I don’t have a lot going on, so I spend a good portion of the day in reflection about stuff like this.   And so many times my thoughts about the innocent and carefree experiences of my life, both past and present, get completely steamrolled by absurdly cruel and horrific current events.  The massacre at Charleston’s Emanuel AME Church is yet another example of the type of craziness that overwhelms what I believe to be my normally adjusted mind, to the point where I begin to question what is real or imaginary.  That this much prejudice and hatred can still exist, especially in this country, is incomprehensible to me.  And don’t get me started on gun control.  Sorry.  What I should say is once again I’m going to get started on gun control.  Certainly the actions of  the person that committed this atrocity wandered beyond racism and into the realm of psychotic delusion.  And that points to the fact we do need better mental health care, not only here but everywhere on the planet.  But right there is your “catch 22,” and the NRA does not understand it to be a catch.  You must be insane to use a gun to kill innocent people, but insane people are allowed to buy guns.  And even if we could lock up all the clinically diagnosed psychotics, there would still be plenty of marginal nut-jobs out there that would make accounting for all impossible.  Sure, maybe we can make some slight progress in helping the unstable, but we can make significant progress in reducing firearm tragedy by implementing very strict laws and practices of control.  We should make the purchase of a hand gun or assault rifle so difficult most will give up trying.  Do what they do in Canada and Australia.  Require a psychological exam and some third party references.  I would take it one step further.  Every prospective buyer should be subjected to a polygraph test, and I suggest one electrode be genitally attached and capable of emitting an electrically charged reminder of the seriousness of the matter should a lie be told.

And to those entrenched in second amendment protection, I say it’s time to seriously debate it’s intension and interpretation.  Times change.  Things evolve.  The four simple words “keep and bear arms” part of this amendment is way too broad of a statement in today’s crazy world if you ask me.  Every president, and practically every presidential candidate, will declare, in one speech or another, that the most important task of the position is to keep us, the citizens, safe, and to uphold the constitution while they are at it.  The second amendment is the only statement in the constitution that mentions weapons specifically.  If the founding fathers had known at the time there would be this much mayhem caused by firearms, I think their wording of it would have been more carefully crafted.  Hunt game all you want.  You are doing all of us that take an evening drive along state highways a huge favor if you bag a deer.  But assault rifles belong in the hands of trained military personnel, and if you feel it is your right to own a handgun for self protection, alright.  But keep the damn thing in your house.  Home invasion and burglary are one thing, but outside of the police force no one should be walking around with a hand gun.  If we get serious about penalties for crimes committed with a handgun, the misplaced paranoia over the need to carry one in public would drastically diminish.  If the underlying purpose of the second amendment is to make us all safe, it is, at present, failing miserably.

And this Confederate battle flag business, come on!  Maybe even worse than South Carolina allowing the thing to fly on it’s capital grounds is Mississippi’s incorporation of it in their official state flag.  It is a symbolic and absolutely offensive reminder of an absolutely embarrassing and inhumane time in our country.  Read the Declaration of Independence.  We are all created equal.  Thomas Jefferson himself, though a slave owner, tried to discourage the practice of slavery in a number of ways.  He and many others of  the Revolutionary War era understood it was wrong.  The ultimate recognition of this fact was a bloody civil war, and ever so slowly most came to acknowledge the injustice of the peculiar practice and as a nation we gradually came to our senses.  There is something terribly wrong with someone that  holds some sort of reverence for an image that symbolizes acts committed by mankind that in many respects parallel those that come to mind when we see the flag of Nazi Germany.   Hopefully those that still embrace this symbol are unmindful of its insulting stigma and are merely trying to naively cling to a simpler time represented by the colors blue and gray.  But it is 2015.   It’s time to put those boyhood fantasies aside and move on.

 

 

 

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Audacitygate

Wait a minute!  Did you see this?  I just read on the ESPN website that we can’t use the phrases “Do your job” or “We are all patriots.”  The New England Patriots own them, and the rest of us are just shit out of luck, maybe even going to get slapped with a fine, if we use these words.  I think that’s the message anyway.  The article said owner Robert Kraft and the Patriots have trademarked both of these phrases, even had them stamped on their Super Bowl rings.  I’m no lawyer, but isn’t a trademark a legal presumption of ownership?   To me that means we can’t go around carelessly using those words.  That seems rather ballsy of the Patriot’s organization if you ask me.  Cripes these guys seem to be going out of their way to piss everyone off.  Spygate, Inflategate, and now this.  What is wrong with these people.  I guess I can see how they might get all ginned up about that patriots phrase.  The word patriots is right in there, and after all that’s what they call themselves.  But god damn it, any red blooded US citizen should be a patriot, and if you are not then just get the hell out of this country.  We don’t need you.  The New England Patriots are not the only patriots out there.  We should all be, and we all ought to be able to proclaim it.  And for Pete’s sake I don’t want any Muslims going ape shit on me about all this.  Don’t start reading anything into this that isn’t there.  Don’t be so damn sensitive.  I know very well you’re just as patriotic as anyone else.  Well almost.  Maybe all those fellas that have an arsenal of guns and ammo stored in their house have something to say about that.  I certainly don’t want to piss any of you guys off either.  Maybe you are just a smidgen more patriotic.  You seem way better equipped to go to war them I am, I’ll give you that.  Ok, we’re all square then?

But “Do your job”?  Holy Hosanna I’m glad I’m retired.  I said that all the time while I was  working.  You should have seen some of the dip shits I had to deal with.  The potted plants customers dropped off as an appreciative Christmas gift got more work done than some of

Unknown                                  Blond secretary applying lipstick

PRODUCTIVE                                                          MARGINALLY PRODUCTIVE

them.  If I had to pay a fine every time I said or wrote “Do your job”, I’d still be working just to pay off all the fines.  Do you suppose consistent violators will get jail time?  Of course I guess the only way you’ll get caught is if a New England Patriot is hanging around your place.  But still.  You better be careful. It would be just like Belichick to ferret out offenders with an army of roaming snitches.  He was commanding officer during Spygate after all.

The whole thing just seems bazaar to me.  Can you really trademark a language?  I’m going to start checking into this, I’ll tell you that.  I think I want to get in on the action, actually.  I have a few choice phrases I could become very serious about owning.  In fact, most of them would apply to how I feel about the New England Patriots right about now.  I’m not going to tell you what they are.  That way I have a better chance of suing you when I think you’re using them.  I’ve been looking for a way to pull in some extra spending money now that I’m retired.  I don’t know where you go to get one of these trademarks, but I bet I can find out with a Google search.  I wonder if I get to stipulate the penalty for infringement?  If I like you, you don’t have to worry.  I won’t press charges.  But if I ever catch a New England Patriot using any of my trademarked phrases, they are in a shit load of trouble.  I think I have struck gold here.  I can not tell you how many times my phrases have been bleeped out during a televised football game.  And a word of caution.  I’m pretty good at reading lips.

 

 

 

My Friends?

At first glance the little song bird I found dead in my front yard appeared to be another victim of cat-stalking in our neighborhood.  But upon transporting the tiny corpse to my garbage can, some of the maggots fell off, and I noticed an odd-looking projectile protruding outside of its beak.  It glistened in the sunlight and when I examined it closely, I saw it was a shard of clear plastic.

Good view of some nice-looking Maggots

Airial view of some nice-looking maggots

Flash back to six days previous.  We had a little party at our house this evening, a retirement celebration for one of my wife’s close teacher friends.  It was a good party, maybe you would  classify it as a very successful one if you’re into scoring that type of thing.  In attendance were two of my good friends.  The three of us are spouses of teachers who regularly participate in  these social gatherings of educators, and we tend to tag along with our wives as long as we understand food and alcohol will be readily available.  We don’t get together often, so it’s normally a refreshing reunion.  We catch up on family stuff and activities, and since we all consider ourselves former jocks of one sort or another, we attempt to relive our jockdom by competing in various yard games.

A Hand holding a blue bocce ball

A Hand holding a blue bocce ball

Bocce ball seems to be one of our favorites, and was our choice for this particular evening’s competition.

I have never figured out why, but these two douchnozzles are always accusing me of cheating.  Maybe it’s all the beer they drink, I don’t know.  But fuck, it gets annoying.  I have a printed set of rules right in my bocce ball storage bag, and I keep telling them to read the damn rules if they don’t believe me, but no, of course that’s not going to happen because that would mean some thoughtless interfering with their complaining.  It always reminds me of the first time I ever played this game.  That was over  20 years ago during an annual neighborhood Labor Day block party.  I came to hate those parties.  Most of the activity took place a whole block away at the far end of our street.  But when it came to the egg-toss, that event for some reason moved right in front of our house.  Sticky egg residue remained cemented in place for at least a week, attracting flies and stray, mangy cats and flee-bitten dogs, all lapping away at the shit and contributing to an overpowering stink-up in our front yard.

Anyway the one good thing about my first experience with bocce ball is all the complaining from my two friends pales in comparison to the complete pandemonium that ensued during my inaugural competition, and therefore I always take their complaints with a grain of salt.  I don’t recall all the particulars of the block party match.  It basically got out of hand when more and more people decided they wanted to play, and pretty soon the competitive nature of a few and the alcohol consumption of many led to a bocce ball crashing through a basement window and then that resulted in the owner of the basement window throwing a bocce ball at the contestant that broke the window, and then all of a sudden the game of bocce ball got scrapped  and in its place a way serious game of dodge ball broke out.  If you are unfamiliar with bocce ball, the actual balls used are made of dense hardwood,  stone, or even metal.  There are some plastic ones out there, but they are considered unprofessional and useless.  Kids might use them but that’s about it.  Adults only that day.  So you get the picture.  Several people departed from the revelry that evening with a variety of contusions, bumps and bruises, and one contestant quite possibly suffered a concussion.  I can’t say for sure.  He says he never bothered to get checked out.  But most of the neighbors think he started exhibiting some peculiar behavior shortly afterwards.  For instance, two bocce balls balls went missing that evening, and to this day he still wanders up and down the street asking if any of us have seen those bocce balls.  The next year a ban was placed on our block party bocce ball and as far as I know it has never been lifted.

Of course our bocce ball game last week was totally nonviolent, and the party, as I mentioned, seemed to go swimmingly.  All things considered, it was typical of our type of teacher gathering.  Or so I thought.  The next morning my wife and I found empty beer bottles in every kitchen cupboard and behind practically every kind of door in our house, an obvious attempt by my two friends at a sophomoric prank, the practice of which is dismissed by most before they exit college.  I am still finding beer bottle surprises yet today.  For me the supreme surprise was the one they stuck behind our mail-box door.  Our mail is conveniently delivered right into our house through a mail slot chute, and it is closed off by a small door inside the entry way.   When my wife opened that door, out fell a glass beer bottle that chipped the edge of a floor tile and shattered.  What a hoot!  Not so funny was my emergency room visit.  Somehow during the sweep-up process I missed a glass fragment that was embedded in the entry way rug,  and when I went to retrieve the mail  later I managed to step on it.  It was a pointed shard that drove itself home deep inside the ball of my foot, and after both my wife and I poked and prodded in extraction futility and used up all the gauze pads and paper towels we had in the house to staunch the bleeding, we gave up and went to an emergicare facility.  Turns out those assholes don’t take Medicare so I had to charge $185.00 to my credit card.  I left the facility with a clear understanding that friends can sometimes be dicks.  All in all it was a very painful experience.

Not nearly as painful as the death that poor little bird endured.  Flashback two weeks previous.  That’s two weeks previous to the first flashback I expressly requested you take.  Don’t fuck this up.  Since that so indicated time that I hope you grasp, a little song bird became a regular visitor in our back yard.  He must have sensed that I am a nature lover and an all around nice guy, and before long a fond bond of friendship was forged between us.  He followed me around everywhere, and would many times spend an hour or more a day  entertaining me with his beautiful, melodic caroling.  One of his favorite places to perch and  serenade me was atop our patio fan.  At left is a picture my wife  took of me giving him a gentle hug.

Fast forward two weeks.  If you did this correctly you are right back where we started.  I guess that’s not quite right.  You should  actually be back to where we started at the first flash back.  You might have gone too far forward, and then I will have to explain what happened that day.  There were a couple of really shitty moments that went on then, and I really don’t want to talk about it.  So you might have to back up a smidgen.  Just do the best you can.

As a topper, my two buddies “forked” my front yard.  In case you don’t know what that is, it’s what happens to your lawn when a couple of morons decide to plant plastic forks all over it.

Lawn Forking

Lawn Forking

I missed one during my removal routine, but did not miss it with the lawn mower the following day.  I assumed any pertinent parts were blown into my grass collector, but apparently that was not the case.  That seems to be a fact because of the spear-shaped piece that my beautiful, innocent song bird impaled his throat with after he mistook it for a shiny insect. My special little song bird sings no more.   I hope you guys are proud of yourselves!

 

Yosemite

Here is a place I highly recommend you visit sometime. Yosemite National Park. IMG_1758  It used to be on my bucket list, but I was recently able to check it off.  Actually it was the only thing on my bucket list.  Come to think of it, I guess I really don’t have a bucket list, since this was the only thing on it.  Some people have a big long list of shit they want to do before they die.  I have never been so inclined.  I like to keep things simple.  Now that I’m retired, if I spot something I think would be interesting, I just pack up and head out the door and go take a look-see.  I usually have to bring my wife along, and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  In fact, that works out pretty well.  That means she has to give her stamp of approval to whatever it is I am focusing on.  She’s not about to have me drag her off to someplace she’ll be absolutely disinterested in, or someplace scary, or more likely totally gross.  She doesn’t go in for that kind of stuff.  So if my idea goes into her rejection bin, I will usually reconsider and just stay home.  That way I save a lot of money.

But one thing my wife and I are in total agreement on is our favorite vacation spot.  If there is one place we feel we must get to on a regular basis, it is Teton National Park.  A lot of that has to

Teton NP

Teton NP

do with the fact that I am from Wyoming and as a kid my family often traveled there.  My own children, and a few of our friends and relatives, keep wondering if my wife and I aren’t a little off the beam with our reluctance to expand our travel horizons.  To put it bluntly, all those people can just stick their ideas up their ass.  I don’t have any interest in going to Europe.  It’s a risk aversion technique for me.  Let’s face it.  The chances of getting blown up in an airplane increase exponentially the further away from Omaha you get.  And all the currency hassles.  What the heck is that euro crap anyway.  Bunch of uppity Euro trash trying to screw us.   And Mexico?  Are you kidding me.  If the cartel is holding me for ransom, I’m a dead man.  No way my family has the kind of money they’ll be demanding, not to mention the fact that I can’t think of anyone in my family that would pay for my release anyway.  I have a number of in-laws who would likely step up and  pool their money, but they would agree to hand it over only after my kidnappers promised to keep me in Mexico forever.  Plus, I don’t speak any Spanish.  I’d be totally fucked- probably by any and all remaining male members of the Escobar ring.  So I’ll just stick with the Tetons, thank you anyway.

But Yosemite!  Wow!  That vacation had its fetal beginnings long ago when I mentioned to my family how I thought the triumvirate of mountainous national parks was Teton, Glacier, and Yosemite.

Glacier NP

Glacier NP

My daughter apparently stored that tidbit of information away, and knowing of the three parks the only one I had not seen was Yosemite, a Christmas present from her last year was a gift certificate for a cabin rental there.  So off we went in early May for my personal scoring of mother nature.  And I have to admit after seeing Yosemite, it holds its own with the Tetons in overwhelming, eye-catching beauty.  In fact, I have to give the edge to Yosemite in dimensional and scenic contrast.  I don’t think there is anyplace on earth with such a heavy concentration of easily visible, spectacular waterfalls, and the huge rock outcroppings that rise out of the valley take your breath away.   It’s hard to believe but there are all sorts of crazy people climbing up those sheer vertical cliffs.  Take a look at El Capitan (photo below). Unknown-1 It can take 5 days to climb that thing, but that doesn’t seem to bother some people.  To add to the excitement, you get to shit in a bag on the way up.  You’re supposed to shit in a bag anyway.  I think it’s official protocol, and really, its the decent thing to do I would think. They used to use PVC tubes to collect the stuff in.  However, I had a credible source explain to me that quite often climbers ignore the collection requirement and just go bombs away and look out below.   Unless you’re top man that doesn’t seem at all like fun.  Imposing conformations of nature and the accompanying grandeur seem to bring out the most bazaar in the human race.  For instance, when we were there two looneys wearing wing suits jumped right off the top of one of those rocky peaks and body slammed themselves to death right into a wall of unforgiving granite.  Orville and Wilbur proved man can fly, but not without considerably more structural help than products supplied by Brooks Brothers.  (See examples below).

Might Not Work Well

Might Not Work Well

Works Well

Works Well

Having finally seen all three parks, I have to admit how I rank them is a bit clouded with nostalgic bias.  Because of all my memories of the place, Teton NP is still, and will always be, my first choice for a vacation destination.  Yosemite is a very close second.  In fact, if I lived within a 100 mile radius of either of these national parks, I would be strolling around inside taking pictures every week.  I’m a senior citizen living in the United States of America.  I am admitted to any national park for free as long as I have my senior citizen pass.  Man I love this country.  Getting old here isn’t too bad of a deal.

Besides the pristine beauty of Yosemite, one other thing struck me about California.  The overall impression I got about the rest of the state was the color brown.  That is the color of the terrain everywhere you look, except for the green almond trees.  And that’s possibly the main reason the rest of the state is brown.  From what I hear, it takes a gallon of water to produce a single almond.  We drove by three reservoirs on our California trip, and it was obvious from the water level in all of them that those almond tress are living a precarious existence, not to mention much of the human population out there.  So my advise to you if you want to see Yosemite is to get moving on your plans soon before it too turns brown.  It’s a beautiful place.  Enjoy it while you can.  One caveat though.  Don’t wander too close to the base of El Capitan.  Or at least wear a broad-brimmed hat if you do.