Geezuz shit it’s hot!  It’s going to be 100 degrees the next four days.  Take into account humidity and the heat index is 115.  To make things worse for me, I just got back from a ten day vacation in my home state of Wyoming.  It was 72 degrees and 20 percent humidity where I was.  I do this to myself practically every year.  Maybe I should start going to a nice place in the Arabian Peninsula or African Rain Forest for my summer trip.  Then I might look forward to returning home.

Cooling off in Jackson Hole WY                                            Cooling off in Omaha NE

A big part of my annual post vacation depression is the state of my lawn when I get back.  All spring long and into the early summer I am attending to my fescue and bluegrass, applying fertilizer and aerating, getting a head start on weeds with pre-emergence, applying fungus preventives, hand pulling the few invaders that happen to slip through my protective chemical barrier, edging, mowing at precisely a three inch height, and watering at appropriate intervals.  I have a rain gauge to help me determine when I should unwind my garden hoses, and I water only in the early morning, something I found by experience to be rather important if your lawn tends to develop fungus.

I am very proud of my lawn, and I think you would have to agree I should be considering all the fucking time I spend on it.  But then I come back from vacation and it looks like shit- a cheerless  brown spot here, some unsettling dead grass there. And it’s not that I totally neglect my lawn when I am out of town.  I have a very dependable neighborhood teen take care of it when I am gone.   I am sure some of the problem is related to all the strains of dreaded fungus I have battled over the years.  What I learned about battling various strains of fungus over the years is that it can become very expensive to battle various strains of fungus.  It gradually became apparent to me that it is more important to be able to buy groceries than it is to feature a pristine lawn.  So it is that time of summer again where I just say fuck it and let whatever happens happen.  You can battle mother nature for just so long.  I’ll re-seed in the fall.

That dose not mean I have given up to the point I would approve of your dog or cat shitting on my lawn.  If I see you walking your dog without a poop bag in your hand and your dog takes a dump on my lawn, you are a marked man.  By that I mean I will mark you with my Super Soaker that I have filled with urine.  Don’t ask how the urine ended up in the Super Soaker.  Just be aware that is is pumped and pressurized and ready to fire.  You might be jumping to the conclusion I hate dogs.  That’s not true.  I just don’t want to unexpectedly step on a dog-shit land mine or run over it with my mower.  I don’t think my interpretation of lawn etiquette is asking too much of anyone.  I have similar rules about dogs inside of my house.  I don’t care if you bring your dog into my house, as long as it doesn’t pee or shit on my carpet and stays off my furniture.  That can not be construed as discriminatingly unfair in any way since I have the same expectations for certain relatives when they pay me a visit.

Aunt Dora’s Well Trained Dog is Never                     When Uncle Bob Wanders into My House             a Problem in My House                                               I Prefer He Stays Off of the Furniture

Since we have touched on the subject, if you are planning on coming to town, let me know.  That way I have time to decide if I should break out the plastic furniture covers or my collection of single malts.

Ok.  A lot of you out there have been wondering where in the hell is that book I told you I wrote.  No shit.  A lot of people have actually been wondering about that.   What do I mean by a “lot'” you ask?  By a “lot” I mean more than two.  Six might be a little high, so it’s somewhere between three and five.  If I’m doing the math right, that’s an average of four, and that seems about right.  One of the people that keeps bugging me about my book is my neighbor Claire.  I always thought that was a girl’s name, but this is a guy.  That was really bothering me for awhile, so I looked it up and I was right.  It is a girl’s name.  Way back when it occasionally was a man’s name, but it was spelled Clair- no “e” on the end.  The Latin derivative is “clarus”  meaning bright, or clear.  Looks like my neighbor’s folks should have studied up on the name a little bit if you ask me.  Nothing too bright or clear about their thinking when they named their son Claire.  Why do parents do that kind of shit anyway?

Jupiter is another one of the overly resolute.  Kind of looks like there is some sort of pattern going on here, doesn’t it.  Jupiter is an old high school classmate who can’t blame his parents for his name because Jupiter thought that up himself.   His real name is Mike Jones, but  he started insisting we call him Jupiter in high school.  The reason for that is he was a pretty good athlete and he thought the name Jupiter Jones would stand out and provide an edge for him when he competed for athletic scholarships and professional roster spots.   As it turned out, Jupiter was only able to stand out in a variety of police line-ups as his dream of becoming a professional athlete quickly faded and the reality of funding his expensive substance abuse habit set in.  During an extremely awkward conversation with Jupiter at our 50th high school reunion last year, I mentioned my book and he seemed inordinately interested in it.  When I told him it was not quite ready for publication, he was sure I was lying about the whole thing and he became abusively incredulous.   As sometimes happens with many who unfortunately travel down the path of drug habituation, I suspect portions of the inside of his head must have short circuited, because I keep getting emails from him explaining how he is going to burn my house down if he doesn’t see my book on Amazon.

Jupiter Jones 1965- Working Out                               Jupiter Jones 2015- Flipping Out                           in High School Weight Room                                      at High School Reunion Dinner

I am pretty sure a couple of other people have expressed interest in my book, I just can’t remember for sure who they are.  Probably a couple of my relatives.  Anyway, you will now finally find my book on Amazon, Google, and Barnes and Noble if you are interested.  Or if you are like me and are apprehensive about exposing your personal information by using internet ordering, I suppose you can go to your favorite book store and order it.  But then you run the risk of exposing yourself to a nervous breakdown dealing with all the anxious anticipation of its delayed arrival.  But trust me it will be worth it.

This book started out as an autobiography, but I got tired of confronting the fact that I have accomplished very little in my life, so I mixed in a dash of proselytizing and a pound of self-help to spice it up.  Also,  I might have spiced it up by mentioning your name.  Maybe you’re not sure what I mean by “spice it up.”  For that reason you might be smart to check it out.

One caveat about my book.  I wrote it three years ago.   One of the things I could not restrain myself from doing while writing was interjecting an opinion or three.   I’m almost 70 years old, and pretty well set in my ways, and I thought these opinions I had at the time would forever be valid.  One lesson I learned from writing my book is that a lot of shit can change in three years.  Another lesson learned is it’s pretty difficult to retract an opinion when that opinion is published in print.  Overall I have to say I would still stand by almost everything I profess to believe in my book, but there is one glaring statement I made that I have to admit is a bit embarrassing.  Buy my book and see if you can figure out what that one mistake might be.

The title of my book is “Fishing with Bobby and Mike.”  So you have no one to blame but yourself for wasting your money should you ultimately decide to buy my book, I think you can take a peak at a sample for free on a couple of the above mentioned web sites.  Knock yourself out.

*I hope this is Exceptionally Exciting News for you Jupiter.  I would appreciate it if you would now stop with the threatening e-mails.  Please don’t be upset if you don’t find your name mentioned in my book.  There are  many others who will likewise be disappointed, and a few who will wish they were.