but I never received any kind of award for it or anything. But my wife just keeps piling up the awards. While she was working she received an Outstanding Teacher Award from the YWCA, an A+ Award from Omaha Public Schools, and was a recipient of an Alice Buffet Outstanding Teacher award. That one was especially sweet, because it’s funded by Alice Buffet’s nephew Warren, and as you might have guessed, a sizable amount of cash went along with it. Plus 500 one dollar McDonalds coupons. No shit. Granted a person can only stand to eat at McDonalds for so long. But you start handing the coupons out to neighborhood kids and they think you’re a nice guy. Then they won’t egg your house at Halloween. So the coupons worked out well that way. These are just the majors. There are all sorts of school and personal citations and conferments she’s wracked up. If you think I can name them all you have your head up your ass.
But just in the past two months, she picked up not one, but two more awards. Remember, she’s retired! First she got a call from her alma mater, College of St. Mary, informing her she won a special alumna achievement award. Then last week she got a letter from the Nebraska Art Teacher’s Association to let her know she is the recipient of the very prestigious Roscoe Shields Service Award. Geezuz it never ends.
LEFT: My Wife with One of Her Trophy’s
For the record I did come real close to scoring an Employee of the Month Award when I was working for Target. But then along came Fred, the logistics exec and an unequivocal prick. He started lobbying for Bambi, a member of his logistical team and who also had a part time job as a pole dancer at a strip club about two blocks down the street. The word is Fred applied what some would say was undue pressure on his subordinates, and thus I came up a few votes short. I never thought Bambi was the corporate type, and in my mind she was totally undeserving of the award. Sure, I have to admit there were some things on the company ship I could never get on board with, but at least I never told any of my supervisors to go fuck themselves, which I heard through the grapevine is something Bambi suggested Fred should consider attempting on a number of occasions. Fred always chose to overlook Bambi’s outbursts though, probably because he chose to underlook the big boner he got anytime Bambi would happen to toss attention of any kind his way.
I believe my opinion of Bambi was ultimately validated, because less than a week after receiving her award she disappeared. I can’t say for sure if that award went to her head or anything, but I heard from a pretty credible source it’s what motivated her to leave town for Vegas where she felt she could apply her talent to more poles, emotionally crushing Fred’s balls in the process. The end result was substantiation of a fundamental yet casually dismissed principle of life: Big boners often interfere with logical thinking and have a way of impeding real progress.
Except for some recognition from an infatuated supervisor, Bambi worked here in relative obscurity
This is the facility where Bambi labored tirelessly to become a real crowd pleaser
My personal trophy case might be empty, but there is no doubt in my mind that the moral revealed in Fred’s story is something you can take to the bank.
Oh my gosh you know what I just remembered? I should have got some kind of award for saving that woman’s life. They hand out awards to people who saved someone’s life all the time. I never got one. How come?