President Trump has established a Monday morning tradition of meeting with Kellyanne Conway and Steve Bannon to review news reports from the  weekend.  This is a transcript of a tape recording from the meeting of Monday 6/5/2017 that was made unwittingly by the president when he accidentally hit “record” on the office entertainment system while he was trying to figure out how to watch a DVD he made of himself dancing.  The recording was discovered by a maintenance technician and has been subpoenaed as evidence related to the Mueller investigation.

***Sound of door opening and closing and shuffling feet***

      

TRUMP:  Good morning.

CONWAY and BANNON:  Good morning sir.

TRUMP:  What have you got for me?  I watched Fox all evening.  I wish Hannity had been on. He should be on more, like twelve hours a day.  I think Fox should think about that.  He has a great, tremendous program.  Lots of people like him.  Like, many people.

CONWAY:  That’s so true sir.  I love that guy.  Well, I channel surfed all evening and didn’t come up with much that’s new, although there was that commentary on DC channel 12.  It was on pretty late so you might have seen it after watching Fox.

TRUMP:  No. I’m tired of watching fake news.  I stuck with Fox all night.

CONWAY:  Well sir, the story was sort of a documentary, and it basically named you the most obtuse president in the entire history of the country.

TRUMP:  WOW!  The most!  Well you know I’m a winner Kellyanne.  I never lose.  Always a winner.  And it was a documentary thing.  That’s good.  Not just some reporter blowing hot air?

CONWAY:  No sir.  It was an hour long documentary.  A  lot of prestigious people contributed.  But I’m not sure you understan…

TRUMP:  Who’s my competition?  I beat out Obama, right?  I must have.

CONWAY:  Yes sir, by a mile.  But…

TRUMP:  That’s perfect.  How ’bout Washington, or Lincoln?

CONWAY:  Not even close.

TRUMP:  All right.  Things are looking up.  I don’t need any more bad news.  I just don’t want to hear any more bad news!  Bad news- NO, NO uh-uh. No more. I think we should really run with this ah, obstruse thing.  How do you suppose this got started, I mean, what put me over the top?

CONWAY:  Oh I’m pretty sure it was an accumulation of things, but my guess is it was backing out of the climate change agreement that propelled you into first place.

TRUMP;  I knew that was a good idea.  Tillerson said we should stay in, but I just knew leaving was the right thing to do.  I have a knack for calling the right shots.  Intinct, Kellyanne, instinct.  That’s what it is.  I have a natural feel for things.  I knew I was going to win the election.  I won by a lot too.  Biggest electoral win since Reagan.  It was huge.  You know that.  I might have to think about firing Tillerson. Ok.  So how can we take advantage of this.  I mean, can we do anything else to really, like, slam the door on it.  I don’t want any of those other guys sneaking up on me and  snatching this away.  Who’s the closest to me?  I know you might think I’m pushy, but I’m a competitor.  And a winner.  Always have been.

CONWAY:  Yes sir I do know that.   Well there’s Buchanan.  He kind of sat around and let the Confederacy take hold.  And Harding played poker all day while his friends plundered the U.S. Treasury.  Those two are right behind you.

TRUMP:  Buchanan and Harding.  Hmmm.  Can’t say I know much about them.  Did either of them play any golf?  I think we should watch out for Harding.  Sounds like he might have been a good deal-maker. He must have had some real loyal people on his team.  You reward people like that.  Loyalty-  very important, very important.  Just like you guys.  Loyalty is big, I mean really huge.  Actually though  it’s all that poker playing that really bothers me. You know about my casino’s.  Everyone knows it was all those ridiculous state regulations that, you know, that’s why I got out.  And look how I made out.  All those investors got stuck and I came out like a bitch.  I know what I’m doing.  It’s how I make deals.   It’s what I do. Now, the dishonest media might start some rumor that Harding would have been better at running casinos.  That just might be a problem.  I think we should come up with something to really cement this.  What do you think Steve?  Is there anything else we can come up with to make sure I hang onto this.

BANNON:  Oh sir, we’ve just got started.  I’ve got you covered, believe me.

TRUMP:  I know Steve.  I have all the confidence in the world in you.  You were right about the climate change deal.  I knew I could count on you.  Of course I was going to go down that road anyway.  I have that instinct thing-  it’s always there.  But you always watch my back.  I appreciate it.  So what ideas have you got?

BANNON:  Well there is a lot we can do on the European front.  We should probably keep pounding away at Germany- you should maybe make an announcement that anyone owning a BMW or Volkswagen has to ship it back to Germany.  And Macron could stand to be taken down a notch.  I know you think he’s a showboat anyway.

TRUMP:  Ya.  Showboat.  You got that right.  That handshake story- it’s just all fakey.  Fake news. He didn’t lock down on my hand.  I locked his hand up.  He couldn’t get away.  i had such a grip on his hand-  you can see it.  The dishonest media keeps saying what a tough guy he is. I was the one that had the tight grip, like a grip that was so strong and tremendously ah, grippy.  My grip is big league- everybody knows that.  A lot of people say I have the tightest grip like, they’ve ever seen, or ah, felt.  And you know Macron has a really old wife.  Not a ten like Malania. Or Ivanka.  That daughter of mine.  Is she hot or what?  Have you seen her in a swimsuit?  Those froggies don’t have women like we do over here.  I don’t care what they say.

CONWAY:  Melania is beautiful sir.  And of course Ivanka. She…

TRUMP:  You know you could be a ten Kellyanne.  You could!  You just get some of those breast implants- automatic ten.  That’s what it’s all about Kellyanne.  You have to have the breasts.  No tens without those.  Trust me.  Implants- you’d be a ten.

CONWAY:  You’re way too kind sir.

BANNON:  I have an idea I’ve been toying with for quite some time and I am starting to think this would really lock things up for you Mr. President.

TRUMP:  What’s that Steve?

BANNON:  Your tax returns.  Release them.

TRUMP and CONWAY:  ARE YOUR CRAZY!!

BANNON:  I know it’s a radical idea. But listen to me.  Most of the country wants you to do it.  Even half your base.  So right there you make them happy.  Then, when America gets a gander at the returns, we give it the old Trump spin and they will realize what a clever businessman you are by using Russian money to save your business, and then screwing the commies by overcharging them on real estate purchases and hiding the profits in those Cypriot banks. All of that without paying any income tax!  It’s the kind of thing your base will love you for.  And your detractors can only dream of being so financially astute. Their balls will wither from envy.  They won’t know what to do. It’s a complete win-win.  Of course we’ll have to pull Kislyak in and assure him it’s all part of the plan, but Putin knows there’s no way were going to screw him.

TRUMP:  Hmm.  Maybe your onto something there.  But I don’t know.  What about Ryan.  Say what you want, he’s been right out there hitting the dishonest media. He did a fantastic job getting it across that this government stuff is something new to me.  Release my tax records and I might lose Ryan.  I’m a smart business man.  Business.  It’s what I do. I make the best deals, the most tremendous, greatest deals.  He doesn’t understand business like I do and might think, like, I did something bad or something.  Can you believe that?  It’s business!  I have to admit this job’s been a little tougher than I thought.  But you can see I’m getting the hang of it.  I’m. like, a real smart person.  I know a lot of things.

CONWAY:  Yes sir.

BANNON:  Watching you work has been a real eye-opener sir.

TRUMP:  Thank you Steve.  But no, I think you’re wrong on this one.  It’s like a secret recipe, like Kentucky Fried Chicken.  You think Kentucky Fried wants their secret recipe out there for everyone to see.  No way Steve.  You know, I’m getting kind of hungry.

CONWAY:  Shall we take a break sir?

TRUMP;  Yes, I think we should.  I’m going to run down the hall and catch Whatshisname- have him make a McDonalds run.  You want anything?

CONWAY and BANNON:  No sir.

***Sound of shuffling feet and door opening and closing as Trump exits.***

CONWAY:  Should we keep playing him like this?  I’m starting to get nervous.

BANNON:  Kellyanne, come on!   Did you ever think it would be this easy? .  You’ve got to hang in there.  We are getting so close. We can ride the 38 percent into the next term.

CONWAY:  35 percent.  No way I was going to tell him the new number.

BANNON: OK.  35.  Still, we were sent here by them to burn the house down.  That’s the only way we can save it.   Besides, you heard him. You just admitted it yourself.  No more bad news.

CONWAY:  God I hope you know what you are doing.  Are you sure we need a wall along the Canadian border?

BANNON:  Come on.  I’ve explained this.  You said you are with me all the way.  You saw how I got him to work the solar panel conversation into the Mexican wall.  The left eats that crap up.  We just have to keep stroking him.  He loves walls.  You know that.  Strike while the iron’s hot!. We have a congress that’s nothing but a bunch of spineless jellyfish.  They are absolutely terrified of the guy.  It’s just too easy. The Isolation Shield is not just a dream now.  We have the technology and manipulative genius to keep foreigners out of the country and environmentalists out of our business- for good!  We can’t let up.

CONWAY:  I know you’re right.  What about Alaska and Hawaii though?  How are you going to extend the Shield’s electro magnetic field?

BANNON:  Hawaii could be a problem.  But most of those people aren’t true Caucasians.  Bunch of hula dancers and flaming baton twirlers.  I’ll be dropping subtle hints we should cut the whole place loose.  Revert it to Commonwealth status.  They caused nothing but problems when we introduced the travel ban anyway. That really snapped his strap.  And Alaska, are you kidding?  How many camel jockey’s are going to want to cause trouble in Alaska.  And anyone  from either state will be free to move about once they prove their white Christian status like the rest of us and have their radio frequency chip implanted.  Now remember.  The first full cabinet meeting is coming up soon.  Start spreading the word the president does not want any bad news  We want nothing but supplicant praise coming out of their mouths. And  you should get on Facebook and Twitter and start some rumors about  the turbulence from wind turbines causing cancer.  And when you have time throw something salacious out there about Harding-maybe make it look like he was involved in bestiality or something   That will make the president happy.  I’d do that one myself but I have to get cracking on getting Ginsberg off the bench.  It shouldn’t be that hard.  She’s just a sneeze away from a life-threatening pneumonia infection.  The Supreme Court and Muslim ban are within our grasp. Let’s get to work.

 

***Sound of shuffling feet, door opening and closing as Kellyanne and Steve exit***

INDEPENDENTCOMMENT:  Readers of this article should take note it might still be considered classified information.  You could face charges of treason should you share its content.  However,  keep in mind it is Mr. Bannon’s intention to let President Trump decide the insertion location of the the RF chips so mentioned above.  Legal consultants are therefore confident that any exposure to litigation will be non-existent, since a just review would most certainly reveal these actions to be an assault on human dignity,  which, many would concur, is an accurate characterization of many Trump policies as well as the man himself.  For the good of the country and protection of your loved ones, you simply must share.