Monthly Archives: December 2017

Puffery Meets Providence

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After final passage of the  Trump “Tax Cuts and Jobs Act,” members of congress gather on the White House grounds for a  rousing  round of congratulatory back-slapping and congregate around the press podium and microphones.  Representative  Paul Ryan steps up to speak.

     Executive, Legislative Celebration   

Ryan:  “Mr. President, it is an honor to stand here and celebrate with you.  We could not have accomplished this without your exquisite leadership.  The people of America can now finally experience real economic progress as we initiate entitlement program abatement in the coming years.  You are truly an inspiration.”

Ryan steps away from the podium and is replaced by Senator Mitch McConnell

McConnell: “Exquisite leader and Inspiration indeed Mr. President.  But you are more than that.  You are a great man and unparalleled  political thinker.  Just look at your accomplishments.  Your deregulation initiatives have set the tone for a new America powered by coal.  No one has ever done more to make sure our country leads the way in keeping this planet pleasantly warm. The whole world is appreciative. You have set so many records- why it’s impossible to keep track of them all.   Just take a look at how you made sure our mining industries have handy access to all our pristine water resources.  What an economic triumph!  If I might interject a personal note Mr. President, my favorites of all your deregulations are the ones involving air quality.  We kind of had to sneak some of those by the general public, but boy will they be in for a nice surprise when they find out what they are inhaling is not nearly the same as what they’ve been used to.  Like you say, Mr. President, it’s all about jobs.  Once we get all the air around us to be more interesting, like it was in the good ol’ days before all these darn regulations,  there won’t be such a thing as unemployment.  And now our coal miners can get down in there and do their work without fear of cumbersome safety regulations.  You’re really taking care of our miners Mr. President, just like you promised.  I speak for Kentucky and the entire nation when I say thank you Mr. President.”

McConnell steps aside to make way for Senator Orrin Hatch who has been tapping him on the shoulder for the last 30 seconds.

Hatch: “What a momentous day for us all Mr. President.  Not only are you an inspiration and exquisite leader, great man and unparalleled political thinker, but even more importantly, after this day, it can be stated undeniably that you are a great president, and I dare say without a doubt in my mind, no, it’s no dare let me tell you, it’s a fact.  With this tax bill you will go down in history as one of the greatest- no, not one of the greatest. You will be recognized as the absolute greatest president- ever. And I’m not talking just here in America.  I mean in the entire world.  Every democracy on the planet will praise you and seek your advice.  I, along with the entire state of Utah and everyone in America thanks you Mr. President.  By golly these new tax laws are really going to get the economy moving.  You can bet there’ll be all sorts of new construction going on now that all our hard working corporate executives have so much extra cash to fund the new wings on their mansions.   Dog gone it this tax bill is so dog gone good even dogs will love it. Like you Mr. President, my wife owns a pass through entity, and man o man with the tax windfall she’ll be getting next year, if I know her, and believe me I do, she’ll be treating her two little pooches to all of those top shelf items at Pet Smart.  Mr. President, once again I want to tha….”

Hatch stumbles a bit as Vice President Mike Pence shoulders him aside and takes control of the podium.

Pence:  “That’s right Mr. President.  This country is so thankful to have you guide us into the future.  You are absolutely an inspiration and exquisite leader, great man, unparalleled  political thinker and of course I second that thing that you are, as of today, the greatest president to ever walk the face of the earth.  Certainly as we reflect upon all of your accomplishments everyone is amazed.  But it’s more than presidential accomplishment.  Take a look at your life.  From humble beginnings you took charge of your own future, and with only the several million your father gave you, you parlayed that and the bankruptcy and tax laws of this great country with the astounding, and perplexingly generous gullibility of the American public and created a massive fortune for  yourself.  And wow, with this new tax law of yours you have carved out an even bigger fortune.  By eliminating benefits for veterans, students and orphans and all those fakers who claim they have some rare disease, you were able to save that well deserved golf course deduction.   You represent the epitome of the American dream.  Why we don’t even know how massive your fortune is because your great team of lawyers, and as we all know our country is great because we are a nation of laws and such, your great team of lawyers has buried  the true value of your wealth amongst a huge volume of paper at the IRS.  American families are so grateful to you, especially those burdened by that ridiculous estate tax.  Looking out for your children is the most important responsibility a man has, and you have profoundly demonstrated how a simple man can provide untaxed millions for family and friends with the flamboyant stroke of a pen.  You have taken the power of the presidency to an historically new level Mr. President.

So impressive is your dynamic life, Mr. President, I have to tell you I have racked my brain in search of an example of a life of comparative import.  And in that desperate search, I tell you I have found but one- only one- that stands alone in mirroring your magnificent stature.  The man I’m referring to resides in those pages of the sacred book we know as– the Bible.  Mr. President, like all good Christians I know you use that holy book to guide your life. I don’t know about you, but when I read the Bible I am always struck by the power of the miracles surrounding the life of Jesus.   As you stand before us as President of the United States, most everyone believes that your election might be the single most impressive miracle to have ever occurred in this country.   Mr. President, it is such a privilege and honor to serve you, and I think it is only fitting that now, as we move into the future with these momentous new tax laws at our disposal, that I and this august body  bestow upon you the official title of— Supreme Almost Divine President of the United States of America.”

After a few seconds of stunned silence, hysterical applause breaks out throughout the congregated group.   Much back-slapping and hand shaking quickly generates a state of exuberant pandemonium and congressmen begin to fall to their knees and bow before the newly anointed Supreme Almost Divine President of the United States of America.  Curious clouds mysteriously develop overhead, but no one engaged in all the rapture seems aware.  The sky turns forebodingly black, and suddenly  massive, multiple bolts of lightening are hurled into the crowd.

First, there was the explosion.   Witnesses say  body parts flew everywhere.  One man saw eye balls blown away from their sockets and roll down the street.  The blast was quickly followed by a raging inferno.  Later it was reported that bystanders were commonly awe-struck by its intensity.  What really baffled everyone interviewed however was how not one of the elected officials participating in the ceremony survived, yet there was not a single reported incident of an injury to onlookers.  When the blaze subsided and the smoke finally cleared,  a smoldering mass of charred flesh and bone was all that remained on the White House grounds.

Heavenly, Judicial Condemnation

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It’s been a year of confusion and despair.  That is why I thought it would be a nice gesture to give this story a cheerful ending during this season of hope and joy.  Happy New Year to All!

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In Search of Normalcy

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OK.  This is really pissing me off.  Hannity Republicans Hammer Mueller. I keep trying to get my head around this. Our politics have become so poisoned there is now a group of American citizens so contaminated they believe it is imperative to derail an investigation that is trying to get to the bottom of an attack on our democracy by a foreign adversary.  Republicans now want to increase the national debt and Democrats are the party of “family values.”  White evangelicals who call themselves Christians voted unanimously for Roy Moore.  More and more I am beginning to question what is normal. I am questioning myself.  I mean is it normal for me  to be overwhelmed by the compulsion to staple Sean’s Hannity’s tongue to the roof of his mouth and then sew his lips shut?  No, of course not.  But that impulse gets less disturbing to me each time I hear his voice or see his image.  It happens only in the terror of my worst nightmares, but  I even smell him.  The scent is an odd combination of  Brylcream,  Axe cologne, and polyester resin, which is the stuff Nerf products are made of.  If you’ve ever seen Sean toss his special football to whoever his mysterious receiver is hiding off stage, you might be getting a glimpse into the wonderings of my mind.  What a dork.  Like tossing a Nerf football somehow validates his manly manliness. Son of a bitch. Now I even associate Nerf footballs with scummy behavior.  I used to like my Nerf football.  I recently tossed it in the trash.  That is not normal.

Neither is Ohio Representative Jim Jordan.  During the House judiciary hearing mentioned above he is the guy who is convinced the American public’s trust in the Mueller investigation is kaput. As some sort of confidence restoration act he is certain what the country needs is a second special investigation of Clinton involvement in the election.  I would like to jam a red-hot poker up his ass.  That is not normal. I am aware of that.  The red-hot poker thing I mean.  Is a  second Clinton investigation  normal though?  Personally I think not, but congressman Trey Gowdy, the Benghazi kamikaze, disagrees. That guy would self-immolate if he thought going up in flames would get any kind of mud on Hillary to stick.  I fantasize about carefully placing his nuts on an anvil and smashing them with a  ballpien hammer.   That’s not normal is it?

Geezuz what are these guys afraid of?  Russian involvement in our past presidential election has been verified by every law enforcement body in this country.  It is impossible to deny that fact now that Mueller has produced two indictments and two cases of false statements.   Why in the hell is that so hard to grasp? And our president is totally disinterested in identifying our vulnerability and  preventing future foreign intrusion. That is not normal.   Is it normal that some investigators are biased in some regard?  Well, yes.  Considering our current political landscape how could that not be true.  There is bound to be an appearance of bias, but Mueller has shown he expects politics to be checked at the door by dismissing agent Strzok.  That’s the normal thing to do.

OK.  In the interest of  fairness I’m willing to concede and consider that thing about a Clinton investigation is normal.  Will that make the Sean Hannity’s of the country happy?   Go for it.  But let’s first focus on the more pressing investigation- the one involving the sitting president that has all the corroborated instances of Russian involvement stamped all over it.  Let the thing run its course and stay the hell out of the way.  Complainers are doing nothing but a disservice to democracy. Three-fourths of the American public wants this investigation to progress.   After it’s resolved, go ahead with a Clinton investigation.  Sean Hannity can sit on the investigative panel for all care.  I was never a big Clinton supporter anyway.  Load the investigation team up all you want with anti-Clintonites. What better way to get to the bottom of things than by inserting people to investigate that are motivated by vengeance.  That was protocol during all those Benghazi investigations.  Huh.  I guess that is a more normal way of investigating  than I was originally thinking.   The bottom line is dig up all you can, and to make things normal have someone with integrity sort through it all to make sense of it.   I don’t give a shit if you find something shady or don’t, with either investigation, and I don’t care how long it takes.  Just come to a conclusion and make it public.

Mueller is going to analyze all the evidence.  And likely whatever recommendations he makes will go before the House.  They will decide if there is any  impeachable offense.  If Mueller finds out the Trumps had some shifty non-political, financial dealings, which I personally think will be the case, there is no gray area to debate.   There will be concrete numbers that define allegations that the president will not be able to deny. Remember it was Trump himself that brought on this investigation by firing the director of the FBI. On the other hand, after he scrutinizes everything presented to him,  there is a fair chance Mueller will not find anything  related to the president particularly nefarious.  Let the man do his job.

Let me throw this out there.  How about a third special investigation.  Let’s investigate crazy conspiracy theorists like Sean Hannity.  Anyone protesting so vehemently about anything must be sweating it.  I bet it’s the golden shower dossier.  Just my personal conspiracy theory.  And it’s become completely normal to me.

 

 

Of Donors and Donuts

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Gadzooks do I feel like a piece of shit.  You should too.  You watched a movie last night didn’t you?  God I hope you didn’t stream one of those stupid vampire films.  What is wrong with you?  Let’s face it  we all need to take a hard look at ourselves.  I know you.  Every time you score a  $10.00 birthday gift from your grandmother you dash off to check out the specials at the Quick Trip beer cooler.  Get a grip for Pete’s sake and make a credit card payment.  No wonder all the wealthy donors are getting all  those juicy tax cuts. They know where to put their money and it’s high time someone in congress stepped up and showed us where we went wrong.  Someone like oh, say, Iowa senator Chuck Grassley. Working Class Needs to Wise Up.  

I’ve been trying to figure out how I can improve my self worth and esteem and have zeroed in on a couple of things.  I am definitely canceling my Netflix account.  That’s a no-brainer.  And frankly it’s not that big of a sacrifice.  I pretty much just watch sports programs on TV anyway.  I only made it through a couple seasons of VEEP though, and will miss that.  But right there I am saving about seven bucks a month.  Not a bad start if I do say so myself.

I love my wife, but it looks like birthday and anniversary and Christmas gifts are a thing of the past.  And Valentines day.  I always thought that was a stupid holiday anyway.  Who thought that one up?  Hallmark I bet.  My wife always wants to do the right thing, so I know she’ll understand.  Wow this one could really ad up.  Ka-ching!  Money in the bank baby!  It’s no secret if I have a fault it’s that I’m way over generous.  One year I gave my wife a deluxe hedge trimmer for our anniversary and threw in one of those gigantic boxes of Whitman’s Samplers. Those are good because they have that  helpful diagram on the inside of the lid.  It’s particularly useful if you like to avoid those shitty cream-filled ones like I do.  Boy am I glad ol’ Grassley didn’t put the kibosh on my wife spending money on me.  That would really suck.

Now where I think the senator went a little off the rails is that thing about booze.  It’s how I get through the day.  But I don’t want Chucky G to be disappointed in my effort, so I guess I can cut back on my single malts.  There are some blends out there that won’t perforate  your stomach.  But I figure it can’t hurt my bottom line if I’m pleasantly surprised with a gift, so from now on all I want for Christmas is something nice from the Lowland region- Glenkinche or Auchentosan are favorites, but an offering from Speyside like Glenfiddich or Maccallan will more than do.

You’ve probably heard by now most of the trickle in the new tax plan will be going up, not down, so if you are really serious about improving yourself, consider renting out a bedroom in your house.  The way I understand it, the hands-down winners in the new tax bill will be rental real estate owners, like, ah, Donald Trump.  Godamit!  Do you suppose the president is trying to pull some sort of shenanigan here?

Hold on there buckaroo.  Don’t be so quick to judge.  This is where Chuck and his boys  really stepped it up.  As the “Grassman” has stated, it’s really important to note there are investors out there that can show us how it’s done.  What better way to provide an example of investment opportunity than to  cut the estate tax.  That’s a half billion that will eventually land in Ivanka and the bros laps. And Chuck’s clan felt it was just the thing to reward the president himself with a more immediate pile of investment cash by way of a nice tax deduction for every golf course he owns.  That’s how jobs are created my friend. With this windfall on the horizon  the Trump family will  be doubling  their payrolls in China quicker than you can say sweatshop.

At least old man Grassley didn’t say anything about donuts.  I love donuts.  I guess that’s a treat we can yet indulge in.   And after all, that’s kind of how the new tax plan breaks down.  You have your donor class, and you have us, the donut class.   There is nothing much new in what congress is proposing.  Esteemed  NY congressman Chris Collins flat out admitted there is no way he could face his donors without making sure they have a merry Christmas.   It’s a plan that ends up supplying us with just what the Republicans know we need- more income inequality.

  Everybody Likes Donuts

Now I know some of you out there might be getting discouraged.  It is truly a helpless feeling to realize that for every governmental violation of our donut holes there is a corresponding shrinkage of our dough.  But we must stay the course.  Remember, this is what it’s all about. It’s our duty.   So bend over and Make America Great Again!