Monthly Archives: April 2018

FBI Nabs Coven of Witches!

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In what has to be considered an unlikely turn of events, the FBI announced today it has apprehended a coven of witches.  FBI Assistant Director Charles Moots stated the department became interested in pursuing the witch angle after repeated suggestions from President Trump, and it has been conducting secret investigations for several months.  “The president kept insisting we had this witch hunt thing going on, and at first we weren’t sure what he had in mind.   We certainly didn’t want it to look like the department wasn’t doing it’s job, so we had a team of agents look into it,” Mr. Moots reported. The assistant director singled out agent Herb Badgeman  for his insightful investigative work.  “Agent Badgeman spent a lot of his free time researching the habits of witches, and obviously it paid off,” Moots stated.

   Left: Coven of Witches Arrested in City Park

Agent Badgeman certainly had an interesting story to tell.   “My partner and I were just sitting on a bench in Montrose Park, when I noticed a bunch of flies circling a pile of plucked bats next to a garbage can.  Like all crime investigations you just have to know what to look for.  We followed the trail of dead, eyeless newts, toeless frogs and various other mutilated amphibians and that led us to the witches hiding in the forrest.  We got there just in time.  They wouldn’t admit it but I’m certain they were about to carve up the puppies they had concealed in the woods.  I am very well aware one of the things witches spice up their caldron of stew with is dog tongue,” Badgeman emphasized.

Mr. Moots had high praise for President Trump.  “Without the president’s dogged persistence we never would have cracked this case,” Moots proclaimed.

And Mr. Moots was not the only one passing out accolades to President Trump.  In appreciation for saving the lives of all those puppies, the national organization of the ASPCA ceremoniously presented to the president a commemorative plaque that recognized his contribution to the prevention of crime and animal cruelty, as well as the unacceptable practices of the occult.  The award was delivered by none other than McGruff the crime dog.

 

 

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Recent Polling Tilting in President’s Favor

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Last week’s polling results seem to indicate President Trump’s favorability ratings are on the upswing.   Though his Vehemently Enthusiastic numbers slipped 2 percentage points into the Mildly Disappointed range, it would appear that modest decline is offset by the dramatic 12 point shift from the Despondently Suicidal upward to the slightly less unfavorable Mind-numbingly Apathetic.  It is unclear if these polling deviations were due to recent intensive investigative probing or if there is some kind of psychological adaptation occurring.  Those polled were asked to give a response to several questions related to the president’s governing policy, administration, and past and present conduct.  Topics covered included:

Nepotism and related corruption, repetitive failure of administrative officials to complete federal disclosure forms,  Stormy Daniels, cover-up, hush money, rampant cabinet corruption and abuse of power, bloated personal and family travel expenses, Russian involvement in democratic processes, campaign involvement with Russians, obstruction of justice,  personal involvement with Russians,  the Mueller investigation in general, hypocrisy of Asian production of Trump products,  administrative staff turn-over, administrative staff incompetence, ignoring proper personnel vetting processes, Access Hollywood tape, hiring former lobbyists, the Steele dossier,  Karen McDougal, juvenile name-calling and bullying, Steve Bannon, personal “fixer” Michael Cohen, political/personal conflicts of interest, violations of the emoluments clause, refusal to release  tax records, tax evasion, Carl Icahn, condoning insider trading,  admiration of diabolical despots, professional hiring/firing practices, grasp of basic domestic policy, grasp of basic foreign policy, mocking the physically handicapped,  inconsistent Middle East military strategy,  multiple sexual assault allegations, reading competency level, incomprehensible ability to convince white evangelical Christians to abandon Christian principles, understanding of scientific data and inquiry, acceptance of responsibly, Paul Manafort, money laundering, distorting reality, paranoiac criticism of media and law enforcement, obsessive/compulsive television viewing, creepy physical attraction to daughter Ivanka, incoherent rants and tweets, inability to tell the truth, threats against political opponents, threats against common citizens, demonizing minorities, condoning activity of known hate groups, demolishing public safety safeguards, expansion of religious exemptions to anti-discrimination protections, James Comey, undoing expansion of overtime pay,  endangering worker safety, stifling consumer protection agencies and thwarting financial industry safeguards, hypocritical hiring of undocumented workers, concealing White House visitor log, withholding DC Trump hotel documents, Michael Flynn, narcissistic and self-congradulatory rhetoric, multiple bankruptcies, stiffing creditors and contractors, tenant intimidation, housing discrimination, mafia ties, Trump University fraud, inordinate number of golfing excursions, self-dealings of Trump Foundation, estate tax repeal and other tax breaks for the wealthy, misleading the public about who benefits from tax plan, lying about how tax plan affects personal finances, duping the general public by insisting Mexico will pay for a border wall, caving to hedge funds and private equity firms, massive cuts to student aid, allowing big companies to pollute our air and water and otherwise inflict irreparable damage to the natural world.

When people were asked how they were able to extract themselves from the group considering suicide, poll participant Troy Smuckers suggested folks do what he did and enlist the help of a local mental health facility.   “It’s all pretty overwhelming and I came real close,” he said.  “Fortunately I got in touch with Steve at the Trump Help Line downtown and he said what has been helping a lot of people is simply taking a 20 pound sledge hammer and knocking out a wall of their house.  Guess what?  Steve was right!  Now that huge hole in the side of my house is a lot bigger problem then all this fucking bullshit Trump is shit-staining the country with.  Ya. I feel pretty damn good!”

 

Mr. Smuckers attributes his more positive outlook on life to the purchase of a 20 lb sledge.

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Pruitt Surges in Trump Cabinet Corruption Sweepstakes

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Almost overnight EPA Secretary Scott Pruitt took over first place in the Trump Cabinet Corruption competition.  Sweepstakes chairman Fred Diddly indicated the revelations in the past few days were unprecedented and impressed everyone on the review panel.  “You gotta hand it to Scott.  He took paranoia to another level with all the security he thinks he requires. Four million tax dollars and it’s only April.  I don’t know how he ever got the government to pay for his 20 member security team when he went to Morocco, especially when you consider the only thing he discussed  there was American natural gas, which has nothing to do with his department.  You have to admit the guy’s got hutspa.   The graft involved in the condo rental from a congessional lobbyist was striking in itself, but for me what put him over the top was that thing where he has his personal chauffeur blast an emergency vehicle siren in order to work his massive security entourage through DC traffic so he can get to his favorite restaurant in a timely manor. The man might be in a league of his own,” Mr. Diddly asserted.

Left: Secretary Pruitt explaining to the sweepstakes panel the level of corruption he feels he has accomplished so far

When asked to comment, Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke, who is now in second place, did not seem concerned.  “Look, you all know what I am capable of.  I don’t think spending $139,000 on office doors is something you can thumb your nose at.  I move the ball in big chunks.  It won’t take me long to catch up.”

Treasury secretary Steven Mnuchin could not be reached for comment, but the review panel universally agreed he has to be worried now.  Mnuchin, who for a short time occupied the top spot, has got to feel the honor is slipping out of reach.  Outlandish travel expenses and standing with your wife on an airport tarmac flaunting your elite status seems very unoriginal in light of what Secretary Pruitt has accomplished.  There are rumblings that he could fall all the way back to fifth, behind Secretaries DeVos and Carson.

And what is up with those two?  Stuck in a tie now for fourth, neither seems willing to go on the offensive.  The panel’s predominant thinking is HUD Secretary Carson could be flailing.  Canceling the $30,000 dining table purchase for his office showed the pressure might just be too much for him.  However there is a report circulating that Secretary Carson might be thinking about a comeback by engaging in flagrant nepotism once again. Involving his son Ben Jr. or possibly other relatives in agency programs might be something that could boost the secretary’s standings.

The problem with Education Secretary DeVos is how the panel interprets corruption.  Yes, the two hundred million dollar family donations to the Republican party over the years opened the appointment door for her, but what has she done lately?  The sweepstakes panel is reluctant to categorize mind-boggling stupidity and fleecing public schools and shortchanging American students as corruption.  However, Mr. Diddly was quick to point out the conflicts of interest charges still swirling about Betsy.  The  education department’s ties to a DeVos investment firm that provides student loans is keeping her solidly in the running.  “I believe when she deregulated student loan companies, Secretary DeVos put herself in a strong competitive position.  The potential for profiteering here by the DeVos’s is encouraging,” said Mr. Diddly.

Ever alert to what happened to HHS Secretary Tom Price before he could complete his round of corruption,  it has been reported that both secretaries Pruitt and Zinke are ready to throw caution to the wind and score as many points as possible.  Zenke, emboldened by his move that slashed the acreage of two national monuments in Utah in half in order to clear the area for mining, is considering opening up a large swath of Yellowstone Park to oil and gas exploration.  Not to be outdone, secretary Pruitt has given all U.S. paint manufacturers approval to produce miniature cans of lead-based paint in colors black and orange and market them for Halloween hand-outs, and has a plan to replace all the playground sand in Oklahoma city parks with granular Dursban.

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