Monthly Archives: November 2019

Holes in the Ground Causing Mass Confusion Among Congressional Republicans- Explosive Situation Fomenting

As accumulating evidence keeps shattering President Trump’s arguments against impeachment  one after another, a mystifying phenomenon is becoming alarmingly apparent- congressional Republicans have somehow lost the ability to locate their asses.  Curiously, the anomaly is attributed to a somewhat bazaar reflexive response to seeing a hole in the ground.  “It’s just weird,” one reporter stated.  “Republicans exit a building and if they come across a hole in the ground, they just stand there all tensed up staring at it, often swirling a piece of paper in it for some reason.  I’ve never seen anything like it.”

When Democratic Congressman Adam Schiff saw Republican Devin Nunes locked in a  paralytic fixation with a hole in the ground, he said he did his best to reach out to him.  “I said Devin, quit staring at that hole in the ground.  That is not your ass!  Your ass is right behind you. Just reach around with your hands and you’ll find it. Deep down you know you can do this!” After several minutes of futile instruction, Schiff said he threw up his hands and went to lunch.

One reporter said he became so concerned about Lindsey Graham he gave serious consideration to calling emergency health services  “There was Lindsey, poking a stick in and out of a hole in the ground, and he wouldn’t even make the slightest attempt to find his ass.  Not only did he refuse to believe any of my information, he said the hole he was prodding with that stick was working out just fine, and to fuck off because he wasn’t about to listen to anything I had to say anyway.   Jesus I was only trying to be helpful.”

Longtime observers of Capital Hill affairs commented that the strange behavior is not at all unprecedented.  According to them however, what is unusual is that it has so completely overwhelmed one political party.  Many experienced people have expressed a fear that the resulting obstruction amongst so many Republicans not being able to distinguish their ass from a hole in the ground will precipitate an explosive situation.

“I don’t know about explosions,” said congressional record clerk Robert Noteman, “but I don’t advise lingering anywhere near a Republican caucus room right now.  It can really stink in there.”

NOTE:  Use of Metaphorical interpretive skills for this narrative, though advantageous, is not necessarily required.

And everyone, enjoy this holiday.  I know President Trump issued a stern warning that there are liberal subversives roaming about with nothing better to do than insist on changing the name of today’s holiday from Thanksgiving to…Actually I don’t know, and the president doesn’t know,  because typically enough Trump only told this blatant lie to stir up the people he was speaking to at a political rally.  But rest assured there is no problem here.  If you are one of Trump’s true believers, you know,  just as he did with Christmas, saving holidays is in his wheelhouse and seems to be a thing you should be thankful for.  And for the rest of us, we perfectly understand this man does not know his ass from a hole in the ground.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

 

 

 

President Trump Outraged by Raw Ukrainian Corruption- Installs More Appealing American Version

As more details that surround the House impeachment inquiry are revealed, it has emerged that President Trump was so fed up with stories of governmental corruption in Ukraine, he decided it was time to take matters into his own hands and send Energy Secretary Rick Perry to the flailing country to straighten things out.

Spokesperson Kellyanne Conway told reporters that the president’s cabinet is chock-full of members who are exceptionally experienced with corruption, but she personally thinks the president made the best choice.  “Of all the cabinet members I think Rick is the one with the most free time.  His staff gets kind of tired of him constantly asking them if he is supposed to be doing something.”

From all appearances it didn’t take Secretary Perry long to size things up.  Shortly after he  attended  Ukrainian President Zelenskiy’s inauguration, the new government awarded a lucrative gas and oil exploration contract to long time Perry political supporters Michael Bleyzer and Alex Cranberg.  Make Them an Offer They Can’t Refuse

And not about to let opportunity slip him by is Trump personal attorney and self-appointed secretary of state Rudy Giuliani.  With the aid of the local muscle of his cronies Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman, it is rumored Giuliani has carved out a nice slice of Ukrainian energy profiteering pie for himself.  Giuliani Keeps Investigators on Their Toes

“This is a perfect example of how the president is making America great again,” said Conway.  “Those Americans got a sweetheart  gas deal in Ukraine.  They bid millions less for that contract and somehow still managed to rake it in.”  When asked if she thought veiled  threats to withhold U.S. security aid, military weapons, meetings with state officials, or awkward presidential suggestions to join in the frolicking of U.S. politics affected the Ukrainian’s decision making, Conway seemed indignant.  “Everyone knows the president always does what it takes to make the best deals, and if you are implying that there is some kind of nefarious leveraging going on you should be ashamed.  He has no one other than the Attorney General of the United States traveling to foreign countries all over the world explaining how to do things properly.  I am sure the Ukrainians understand by now the president will always keep their best interests in mind when he is considering his best interests.”

In case you missed it and are into corruption, see Trump Junior Book Intrigues Genome Theorists

Trump Junior Book Intrigues Genome Theorists

Not that I would have any interest in reading it, but apparently Donald Trump Junior’s recently released book “Triggered: How the Left Thrives on Hate and Wants to Silence us” is a validation of the old adage “fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree.”  In the book, Junior makes the astonishing comparison between the sacrifice of U.S. troops killed in combat to the financial ones he claimed his family made when his father became president.  As you might have guessed  he is being eviscerated by veterans and others all over the country.  Junior’s brain apparently made this strange connection when he took it on a trip to Arlington National Cemetery.  How does the vision of thousands of white grave markers evoke from any human mind the response of dollar signs? It’s simply not normal.  An abhorrent gene perhaps?  That kind of remark takes crassness to an unparalleled  level.  But Junior comes by his garish avarice honestly.  Just look at the stipulations the judge set forth in the recent 2 million dollar fine the president must pay for misusing his charity foundation (below).  The ruling mostly had to do with the president’s admission that he used funds for personal use and allowed his campaign rather than the foundation to direct the charity’s funds.  Coincidentally a specific instance mentioned was the “fundraiser” for veterans in January of 2016.

Did  Junior become so shallow by observing his father, or is it something genetically inherent?  It’s one thing to make comments on the spur of the moment during a speech, but thinking about it, writing it down and publicizing it for posterity is something else again.

Appalling as this part of the book is, it should be pointed out Junior’s claim that his family has made substantial financial sacrifices,  or any monetary sacrifice at all for that matter, is laughable.  And there are a number of well publicized (for posterity) records out there to prove it.  For example, this: Trump’s Conflicts of Interest

Like I mentioned, I’m not about to read Junior’s book.  But if you are inclined to do so, I suggest that it might be useful, or even imperative, that you have some experience with fact checking services.   Whatever the explanation, whether Junior has been taught by his father or there is some contaminated gene in control, when it comes to telling the truth, both  Junior and Senior are  endowed with the same intractable compulsion to create their own version of it.

Judge Disagrees with Trump Interpretation of Adage “Charity Begins at Home “

 

Country Anxiously Awaits New House Republican Strategy to Protest Upcoming Open Impeachment Hearings

After President Trump’s recent announcement that open impeachment hearings would not be fair to him, it has emerged House Republicans are presently conferencing to determine what course of action would most effectively demonstrate their loyal support of the president.  Since only a couple of weeks have passed since several dozen Republican congressmen protested the closed nature of the hearings by storming the private room where the House Intel Committee was conducting its impeachment inquiry, members of the national media are naturally curious about such a dramatic position reversal.

When House Minority Whip Steve Scalise was asked how he would explain the flip flop to his constituents, he said  he would be consulting with Mick Mulvaney and Rudy Giuliani about it.

The obvious underlying reason the president would not want open hearings is he suddenly realized a publicly televised event of people with the courage to tell the truth will reflect badly on him.  When asked if that is how he felt, Florida congressman Matt Gaetz replied “Ridiculous.   When you have a half dozen people like this telling the same story, it’s obvious there is something fishy going on.  I mean, what are the odds?”

Just where the Republicans would be staging their next protest was another question the media had for the GOP congressmen.  Representative Steve King of Iowa said he was open to any number of possible locations, as long as the discussion did not include any Mexican restaurants.

 

 

1798 Revisited

DOJ Wants Anti-Trump Info  WTF?!

John Adams, the second President of the United States,  had a massive impact in developing our democratic form of government.  He had a perceptive political mind and was one of those founding fathers who foresaw potential problems with all the freedoms the constitution provides.  He was extremely weary of a future autocracy, and we are seeing his concerns unfold with the Trump presidency. Although Trump is the complete antithesis of Adams and represents exactly what our visionary second president feared, the two men have one thing in common- a thin skin.

John Adams did not take well to criticism, and  inadvisably promoted and signed the Alien and Sedition Acts in 1798. These were a series of laws that were Adams’ reaction to the French Revolution and its impact on national security.  The Alien Acts made it easier to deport foreigners as well as making it more difficult for immigrants to vote.  Though most of those laws were gradually repealed after Adams left office, there are some sections still on record.  The Sedition Act however was very quickly viewed as a huge overreach of presidential power.  It essentially prohibited public opposition to the government.  Newspaper editors were arrested and some imprisoned.  It is considered to be the greatest mistake of the Adams’ presidency, quickly repealed, and why he was not reelected.   Ironically it was an act  interpreted as an autocratical abuse of power that undermined the reelection of a man nearly obsessed with preventing that very type of abuse.

No such irony exists with our 45th president.  He has a history of unbridled avarice and is a lawless opportunist who seems to be overtly proud of it.  To him the presidency represents the ultimate position for a man driven by lust for power. He has announced publicly that Article Two of the constitution gives him the right to do anything he wants and as we have seen he has few reservations about pursuing that agenda.  Stand in the way of his designs and you are likely to be labeled a traitor.

Trump is on a mission to retain control of his power.  He has a lot to lose if he doesn’t because of a myriad of legal problems he has with the State of New York that are constrained by the statute of limitations.  He has Rudy Giuliani trying his best to resurrect some cuckoo, debunked conspiracy theory and both have exerted pressure on a foreign government to manufacture dirt on a political opponent.  And for some inexplicable reason Trump has convinced his Secretary of State and, of all people, the Attorney General of the United States, to go along with and even assist in his political illegality.

People eventually decided they had had enough of John Adam’s power overreach and placed their trust in Thomas Jefferson to straighten things out.  Once again this country of ours needs some straightening out.  Knowing now what our current president is capable of, I am not at all confident that we can wait another year to do that.