Monthly Archives: September 2020

Latest Polling Indicates Majority of Republicans Now Believe Bears Do Not Shit in the Woods Afterall

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Recent polling confirms just how persuasive Trump idology has become in America.  Shortly after his nationally televised press briefing in the Rose Garden, where President Trump boldly proclaimed that bears do NOT shit in the woods, multiple surveys of Republican voters were taken that indicate 51% of the party now also believes bears do not shit in the woods.  8% of the particpants still believe bears do shit in the woods.  41% are undecided.

The implications attatched to such a stunning reversal of factual knowledge have not been without public controversy.  In order to tamp down criticism over the statement, the White House sent Coordinator of Lots of Things, Peter Navarro, to do an interview with CNN’s Jake Tapper.  The following are excerpts of the discussion.

JT- So, speculation is the president said bears do not shit in the woods as a way of enforcing his distain for anything scientific.  Is that the idea? Is he being honest?

PN- Look.  Jake.  Science isn’t always right.  Scientists once said the earth has only existed for six thousand years.

JT- That was not a true scientific argument.  It’s something religious Creation Science espoused that no one in their right mind believes.  Yes, actual science is always evolving and correcting its course, but, the obvious, naked truth is–   a bear does shit in the woods!  It’s an undeniable fact of, of biology, of, of, nature.  The point is, don’t you find it alarming that so many people believe something that is so obviously false, just because Donald Trump says it’s true? I mean, do you believe that bears do not shit in the woods?

PN- Have you ever seen a bear shit in the woods Jake?

JT- Well no.  But I am sure others have.  And there is bear shit all over the forrest floor!

PN- But who’s to say someone didn’t move that shit from somewhere else, like, the highway.  We have some of our best people maintaining highway safety and appearance.  You know Jake, you shouldn’t go disparaging the dedicated people of our highway maintenance departments.

JT-  I didn’t.  That has nothing to do with this  The president of the Unted States said bears do not shit in the woods. That is not true.   That is the issue.

PN- A bear might shit in a stream, not the woods.

JT- But a stream is normally considered a part of the woods, and anyway you can’t deny bears do shit in the woods.  It’s where they live.

PN- Look, Jake. There are competing views.  How about Zoos?  Bears shit in Zoos,  That’s not the woods.

JT- Of course that’s not the woods!  Those bears are in captivity.  It’s not their natural habitat.

PN- Jake. Nancy Pelosi herself said she once saw a bear take a crap in her neighbor’s back yard.  So it’s ok for her to say bears shit in the city?  You can’t have it both ways Jake.

JT- That’s not the point!!  That’s a  whole different environmental issue!  You’re the one trying to play both sides of the fence!! The point is the president is not being honest with the American public. He is lying!!  Did the president lie to the American people?

PN- Jake, your want to go there? You want to go there Jake? What about the forrest.  Bears shit in the forrest too!

JT- THAT’S THE SAME THING!!  You’re not answering the question!!

PN- Jake. Jake.  You’re cherry picking.  The president is simply saying a bear could shit somewhere else.

JT- Come ON!!  You’re the one cherry picking! That’s not what he said!  The president said bears do NOT shit in the woods!!  Bears clearly shit in the woods!!  It’s an undeniable fact of nature!!!

PN-  You know Jake, this is just like CNN!  You guys NEVER want to hear the truth!!  You cherry pick and distort and…

JT- (abruptly ends conversation)  OK that’s it. You’re not answering the question.  Thank you for being here Peter.  Just to remind our viewers, the fact is the president actually said, on national television, that bears do NOT shit in the woods. And that is a blatant lie.

 

***BREAKING NEWS!***

This just in-  President Trump calls Pope Francis a Jew!  Stay tuned for  a riveting analysis of Michael Caputo’s  conspiracy theory about this latest scandal roiling the Catholic Church!

 

 

 

 

Trump Supporters Will Vote for Him if he Commits Murder. But Will They Go to Jail for Him?

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Imagine you are a young teenager walking around an electronics store with an adult, an authoritive figure, like say, your father.  He spots something cool, like, an Apple watch.  And imagine he casually looks around and then tells you he wants you to steal that Apple watch for him.  I know the watch is probably under lock and key but this is all hypothetical.  You probably think  he is kidding, but no, he tells you straight off he is dead serious.  And to prove the point he tells you he’ll be waiting in the car and he hurriedly walks away. Would you attempt that theft?  You’re a kid and you have a general understanding that stealing is wrong.  But it’s your dad.  It must be OK, right?  Would you go ahead and steal the watch for your dad?

Let’s say you you did, got caught, and the whole story became public knowledge.  No doubt society would judge your father harshly and there would be some sort of judicial penalty exacted.   Protective services would likely get involved.  There would be universal agreement your dad is an incorigible role model lacking basic ethical concepts.

There is a similar scene playing out in our politcal world right now and there is nothing hypothetical about it.  It is starkly real.  When Donald Trump asks you to vote for him twice, he is guilty of the same egregeous action that the father is in this fictional scenario.  Only worse.  Intentionally voting twice in a federal election is a felony, under any circumstance, for any reason, but its not Donald Trump who would be prosecuted.  You would be the one at risk of serving a prison term.

Here we go again with an infuriating example of Trump’s behavior getting swept under the rug.  We should not just gloss over this.  This is the president of the United States issuing a request that citizenry commit a fucking felony.  What kind of president does that?  What kind of human being does that?

Stop and think of the implications of this remark.  Not only is it yet another example of the president’s contempt for the law, of his belief that laws don’t apply to him.  It is a damning indictment of his character.  And I know Trump supporters will somehow justify the statement as just Trump being Trump.  But come on!  Can there be a more flagrant example of his shallowness? Well, ok calling dead veterans losers and suckers is profoundly superficial, and of course from his past remarks you have to believe this is  Trump being Trump at his absolute worst. But until  someone is willing to step out from behind the shield of anonymity and collaborate these damning stories Trump can escape total eviceration.  However, he asked people to vote twice on national TV.

Donald Trump, as many who know him have said, will stop at nothing to promote his self interest.   How much worse can that get then prodding people to commit a felony on his behalf.  This is so brazenly wrong. To be concerned only with what is good for you at the expense of everyone else, an expense that involves criminality, underscores his total lack of conscience.  When it comes to anything that is remotley central to his interest, the man seems incapable of understaning what is right or wrong.

No matter how the White House tries to spin this, I basically am imploring anyone on the voting fence to please take the time to really think about what is revealed about the current president in this singular act.  The absolute best spin you can attach to this is ignorance.  That he understands little about processes of democracy would then be damning in itself.  This perplexing remark, at it’s worse, indicates we have a president who will stop at nothing, who sees nothing wrong with the continued underminingg of the laws and institutions of the country, if he feels it is in his best interest.

And this also speaks to who we are, what kind of society we live in. To Trump, cheating and political criminal activity are perfeclty normal, no big deal.  And the manner in which he so casually made this remark suggests he believes a good percentage of the people of this country must be bound with similar threads of morality.  I refuse to believe that is true. Yes we have our share of miscreants and criminals, but when it comes to believing in the democratic principles of this nation, it is a safe argument to say hardly anyone gives any consideration to voting twice or pariticipating in other acts of voter fraud.   Think about it.  Have you ever once thought about voting twice?  Hell, in a typical U.S. election half the county doesn’t even vote once.

Several recent reports have been issued about voter fraud, all concluding the incidents of that happening are minuscule- ranging from 0.0003 to 0.0025 percent.  Voting twice is something that would hardly cross the mind of the average, normally ethical U.S. citizen- until now.    And the guy who is out there promoting that very idea that is so antithetical to the most basic of our constitutional principles is none other than the president of the United States!   Come on!  And to underscore just how embedded this pernicious infection of our democracy is becoming, during an interview with Wolf Blitzer the atorney general of the county claimed ignorace of state law in order to give cover to the president on this issue.  How fucked up is that?

Every day Trump is claiming the election is going to be chaotic and rigged, when he is actually the one creating the chaos and trying to rigged it in his own favor.  Of course audaciousness is a typical characteristic of authoritarianism.  Get ready for two months of gaslighting “the likes of which you have never seen.”

Obviously I am one who fails to understand the Trump attraction. I consider him to be a danger to the nation’s constitutional fabric as well as the public health.  Whenever I see a packed gathering of Trump supporters not wearing masks I envision a mass suicide of lemmings edging towards their terminal precipice.  For whatever reason, the man has his followers. To me he is a man lacking a normal sense of conscience and is ingrained with distorted concepts of right and wrong.  It is my hope that most of us understand it is far from trivial to ask someone to commit a felony by voting twice.  It should be recognized as flagrantly irresponsible and an unforgivable wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Barnabas Collins Slaps President Trump With Defamation Lawsuit

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Barnabas Collins, arguably recognized as the leading spokesperson for the vampire communtiy, is taking President Trump to court.  Incenced over comments the president made about Dark Shadows during his interview with Laura Ingraham this week, he apparently decided he had no choice.  “The president as we all know lives in his own reality and seems to enjoy provocation and denigrating practically all the “others” out there.  But this is now personal,” Mr. Collins said. “I can not conceive of any cultural group more apolitical than our society of vampires.  His statement that we are somehow influencing Joe Biden is ridiculous.  Blood type has no party affiliation.  Not only that, to suggest that groups of us are getting on airplanes and traveling around harassing Republicans only demonstrates how ignorant the man is.  Every gradeschooler on the planet knows really experienced vampires are perfectly capable of draculization and flying off to wherever they want, as long as the sun has set for a few hours.  And this is the man who is supposed to be in charge of things?  He’s a complete ignoramus.” Trump Insults Vampire Nation

The Grim Reaper Claims a Special Soul

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Just when I didn’t think 2020 could get any shittier an integral member of my immediate family was whisked away to  whatever awaits in eternity.     This is a picture of my mom, me and my two siblings.  Normally you would assume my mother,  the grand lady seated here who looks 80 but is actually 101 is the person I am talking about,  (This pic was taken last year during her 100th birthday celebration).  But facing unpleasant surprise seems to be all that is normal right now.  The person traveling to meet his maker is my brother Nick (seated) who was 7 years younger than I.  He died while walking his two dogs near his home in Denver, totally unexpectedly, of a massive heart attack.

I know Nick’s family- wife Mary and children Gabe and Kaitlyn- have to feel extremely gratified that even under difficult circumstances their efforts to provide Nick with a proper farewell were well rewarded.  About that.  I was 7 years older than Nick so we essentially went our seperate ways growing up.  But circumstances later in life required coordinated trips to take care of our mother in Utah, and we became pretty close friends.   There were many speakers during the service who contributed stories about Nick’s incredible life that regrettably I could not converse with later because  my wife and I had to get back to Omaha immediately.  If there ever is a time when we meet again trust that I would love to hear expanded versions of your experiences with Nick.  The uniform impression left by every speaker at his funeral service was Nick was the guy you absoulty treasured as a neighbor because just ask and he would drop everything and head over to your house to fix something you screwed up.   It is so edifying to have others fill in the blanks of any life well lived.

Nick Miltner 1955-2020