Monthly Archives: March 2021

Mass Shootings: A Very Positive Indication that the Nation is Getting Back to Normal

With two mass shootings in the past week, the American public received possibly the most encouraging sign yet that the covid scourge is in rapid decline.   The nation has been cooped up inside so long people seemed to have given little thought to the colossal carnage a couple of assault weapons can inflict.  “It’s hard to get your head around a half million deaths from a virus,” Dallas resident  Tex Wesson stated. “That’s just not something you see in this country.  But a dozen or so people mowed down in a grocery store, now that’s something you can hang your hat on.”

An even more satisfying sign that things are back to normal is the typical Republican stonewalling of any reasonable gun safety measure proposed by congress and favored by 95 percent of the voting public.  With mass shootings in abatement during the pandemic, nothing in the way of saving American lives from ongoing gun violence has even remotly been addressed legislatively.  Now that Republican Senator Ted Cruz has once again assured the nation that absolutely nothing can be done to stem the slaughter, it can be confidently stated that the U.S. Senate is safely ensconced in its pre-covid cocoon of fruitless stagnation.

Welcome back, America!

 

 

 

Senator Ron Johnson to Force a Senate Reading of Every Word Written by Dr. Seuss

As part of his ongoing war to reshape history, Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson is about to achieve unparalleled stature as the most significant political figure of the modern era to insufferably waste everybody’s time.  When it was revealed six books written by Dr. Seuss would be discontinued over concerns about racial insensitivity, Johnson interpreted the decision to be the result of liberal cancel culture, ignoring the fact that it was a corporate decision  of conscience.  As a personal protest,  it has emerged that he will enlist the skills of two local area third graders to spend an entire day on the Senate floor reading all the published works of Dr. Seuss. 

The staged event follows Johnson’s day long recital of the entire stimulus bill being debated currently in the Senate.  When asked if there was any issue on the horizon that was important enough to prevent him from egregiousy abusing Senate rules, he mentioned he was looking into passing a law requiring all Mr. and Mrs. Potatoheads to be properly reintroduced as such and retrofitted with gender specific accouterments.