Fox News has officially opened its company auditions portal for President of the United States. The 2024 cycle presents some unusual circumstances, most specifically the uncertainty of former President Trump’s candidacy. Since he has continued to remain uncommitted, Fox News has been hesitant to start the auditioning process. But it has emerged that the company now feels it is extremely important to get an early look at potential candidates to see who is best qualified to carry the heavy burden of misinformation if the former president decides not to run.
Always eager to take advantage of opportunity, Senator Ted Cruz wasted little time to be the first to declare his servitude. Ted Cruz- Always at the Ready to Bend Over
“I was a little surprised at the extent of his groveling,” said company CEO Lachlan Murdoch. “But on the other hand I like the fact that he elbowed his way to the front of the line. That’s something we hold in high regard and our last guy had that trait in spades.”
Murdoch went on to say that though assertivness is important, at Fox the most prized charactersic is the ability to discern the truth. “Truth is paramount. We look for someone who understands the facts and what is false and is able to tell our viewers which one is best for them to hear,” Murdock stated.
Now that Senator Cruz has auditioned for the Fox endorsement, the company expects a flood of applicants. It is rumored that Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Green has scheduled an interview and the word is Sean Hannity is enamored with the feisty Georgian. According to Hannity’s make-up assistant, he likes the fact she is interested in space and laser technology. And it’s no secret Hannity thinks accesorizing with an assault rifle is something more young ladies should consider feminizing with.
And speaking of guns, Fox commentator Laura Inhgraham on the other hand is said to favor Representative Lauren Boebert. Ingraham feels honest commitment is really important, and you can’t get more committed than Boebert, who lives in Rifle Colorado and encourages open carry in her restaurant, Shooter’s Grill. And like Ms. Greene, she devotes a large portion of her time on the congressional clock to Qanon studies.
It is believed Tucker Carlson is hopeful Representative Louie Gohmert drops by for an interview. In Carlson’s opinion, Gohmert’s Texas drawl has a certain charm that appeals to much of America. There’s no denying that listening to a Louie Gohmert rant can make you wonder if there isn’t a causal connection of sorts between his type of homespun folksiness and something the family might not want revealed in ancestry.com.
Some executives in the hierarchy at Fox think Congressman Matt Gaetz might have the inside track for their coveted endorsement. They reason that just as the Access Hollywood tape worked for Trump, showing phone tit piks to colleagues on the House floor might give Gaetz’s candicacy a boost.
The dark horse in the endorsement race has to be Congressman Paul Gosar of Arizona. A couple of members of the polling department at Fox News are seeing data that indicates a rapidly growing development that potentially could push the country in a complety novel direction. In an effort to “own the libs,” there appears to be a surging movement in the Republican party to migrate from authoritarianism to total governing by incompetence. One optimistic pollster put it this way: “The deep thinkers of the movement believe it’s time for a legitimate crazy man to run the country. Plus, there will be people who sympathetically vote for Gosar since from all appearances he was the unfortunate victim of some horrible farm accident. It’s kind of a win-win.”
Murdoch said any one of these people would make a great candidate and the company would look forward to manipulating whoever is selected. “I think there is a bench here that’s full of promise,” he said. He did clarify that with the 2022 midterms on the horizon, the pool of prospects could deepen dramatically. “I can’t claim to understand how these people got elected,” he said. “But that’s the point. They did. I know some constituents think electing people like this is funny, and some like to push the envelope of credulity, that sort of thing. But that’s what makes this country great. It’s full of people who love a good joke as well as mind bending risk. And boy does it make our job easier.”