It has emerged that White House custodian Johnnie Snakes has been in contact with members of the former president’s family to gauge their interest in procuring  the documents the former president flushed down the toilets on the second floor of the building.  A reporter familiar with this story  revealed that Mr. Snakes offered his material to the National Archives previously, but strict health and sanitation restrictions prevented that exchange.

When asked if there was anything readable on the executive papers in his possession, Mr. Snakes said that after drying everything with a hair dryer it was surprising how much information was discernible, and if you look carefully you can see words like “class”  and “top.”  He explained that with the National Archives out of the picture he thought the Trump’s might be intersted in preserving the documents in the Donald Trump Presidential Library.

It was confirmed that Eric Trump did have a conversation with Mr. Snakes, and seemed interested in the offer.  It is well known that other than a copy of “The Art of the Deal” and any magazine with the former president’s picture on it there is little in the way of printed matter that former President Trump is enthusiasitic about.  Though the extracted papers are unusually attenuated, Eric  thought they still had relevance, but felt obligated to run the idea by the rest of the family.

In the meantime, Mr. Snakes is anxious to be relieved of his extrications.  Since he is unsure of its improtance, he has felt a responsibility to secure the material.  “No one in the White House could tell me what to do with this stuff,” he said.  “I had it all in my house at first, but it stinks so bad I moved it all out to the garage.  I am really hoping the Trumps have a use for it.  I spent a fortune on Fabreze and it’s in every corner of the garage, but it just isn’t cutting it anymore.

As is generally understood, ever since he lost the 2020 election former President Trump has been seething.  Lashing out during his speech at his Texas rally this past weekend, he informed the revelers in attendance that he was extremely proud of all the fine effort put forth during the January 6th insurrection, and is ready to reward all those who went to bat, or used one for him, with a full pardon should he be re-elected.

At one point during his oratory however,  he subtly gave the impression that he might have been slightly disappointed in the crowd size of the Capital Buiding rioters.  At least that’s the theory of former Trump campaign aide Josh Stageman.  “He’s always been a nut over crowd size,” Stageman pointed out.  “I’m pretty sure that’s why it took him so long to break away from his television set and make a public statement on the 6th.  All the different camera angles and shifting scenes kept throwing off his head count.”

When Trump encouraged his Texas supporters to prepare to take to the streets again should anything in the way of justice befall him, Stageman applauded the move.  “By doing that, he hits the trifecta,” he said.  “It’s possible he’ll have both civil and criminal indictments coming up in three different cities.  He’s just daring anyone in the justice department to provide him with another grievance.  Imagine three cities convulsed in a Trump rage.  Smashing the George Floyd protest mark would warm his heart.  And the best thing is he might not have to wait for his re-election to fullfill that dream.”

When Stageman was asked if he thought it was a mistake for Trump to admit January 6th was all about overturning the election on national TV, he quickly downplayed the acknowledgment.  “It likely means there’ll be more snooping around by some radical, vicious, racist prosecutor.  Move over Earth Day and Women’s March.”

Normalizing as an Art Form