For the past few days the leadership of the Democratic Party has been conferencing in New York City and pouring over exit polling data to try and determine how their 2024 election campaign went so shit sideways and what improvements need to be made. Congressman Pete Flickermuster said discussion was heated but constructive. “It’s pretty obvious we didn’t know what the fuck we were doing. I mean, how do you lose to a 78 year old racist, misogynistic sex offender who incited a deadly, violent insurrection aimed at overturning a democratic election, was convicted of mass fraud and openly espouses tyrannical governmental rule? Jesus Christ, it’s embarrasing.”
The conference has unanimously agreed there needs to be a radical party reconstruct, and the majority of debate centered around the mind-bending magnatism of the president-elect. “It’s difficult,” Flickermuster said, “because practically everything he does is outside of political and social norms. Apparently that’s what America wants, so we have concluded we need to develop a more populist agenda that is focused on some of the specific things that seemed to work for Trump.”
One major regret elicited by the conference was the party’s failure to attract the “bro vote.” Young adult males migrated significantly to the Republican Party. Upon analyzing post election data the conference discovered a staggering reveal- whenever Trump performed fantasy fellatio upon an unsuspecting podium microphone at one of his rallies, the next day there was a dramatic surge in Republican registration by young adult males. “It was uncanny, and we simply can not afford to ignore that,” Flickermuster said. “We have not decided how far to go with this information. Obviously promising universal blow jobs is something that wont appeal to everyone. But there is no denying that is a compelling political attraction to the young male voter.”
Flickermuster said getting everyone on board with the fellatio concept hasn’t been easy, and it’s been especially difficult to find potential candidates who are willing to incorporate it into their campaign repertoire. “We had a couple guys willing to access professional athlete’s lockerooms so they could take a shot at that novel Trump contrivance of authentically discussing the size of a celebrity’s dick in front of a public gathering of thousands of people, but none thought they were confident enough to emulate Trumps blow job technique.”
Flickermuster said he was confident that in time the right person would emerge who could carry the Democratic fellatio flag. He said the party is also interested in expanding the purient interest theme by running a party personnel search for a past sex offender, or even a convicted murderer, who might qualify as presidential material under the new office qualifications established by the Republicans. “Americans have chosen a different pathway for democracy,” Flickermuster said. “And they deserve to get it, good and hard.”
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