ALFIE

You know how they say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?  Pardon me but I beg to differ.  My son and his wife decided what was missing in their lives was a dog.  So they went and got one.  A Corgi puppy.  His name is Alfie.  He is unmercifully cute so you can’t help but love the little guy despite what a pain in the ass he can be.  I know because at times my wife and I are called upon to doggy sit and the little shit gets into everything, as most puppy’s do I suppose.  He is constantly sniffing and licking and inserting anything that is remotely possible into his mouth.  The stuff that ends up there absolutely begs the question how can that possibly be appealing in any way?   But make no mistake his perplexing sense of taste is more than made up for by his overwhelming cuteness.  And with him cute does not stop with heartwarming facial expressions and whimsical antics.  He seems to be pretty intelligent, and I believe will keep tracking that way as long as he stays clear of anything coated with lead paint.  Which brings me to my original point.

If you are as perceptive as Alfie you have gathered that this blog will be discussing something about teaching an old dog new tricks, because I happened to mention that right off the bat.  I’m  not here to fuck you over.  I am about to reveal a trick that I learned.  You might have thought since I am mentioning a dog here that Alfie was the one that learned a new trick.  But he’s a puppy for Christ sake.  He’s not old at all.  So that wouldn’t make sense.  So if you are reasonably intelligent you have surmised it was i, an old person, that learned a new trick.  I know some of you out there are all confused because I’m not a dog, or possibly you think I am a really, really smart one that can type.  To clear things up for you, this is just an old saying that has been around for a long time.  I’m not sure what’s up with the dog analogy.  I mean I bet there actually are some old dogs you could teach a new trick to.  I’m just repeating what I heard, so fuck off and don’t make such a big deal out of it.   Here is the trick if you are interested.

Ok, you have a dog, so naturally it’s going to take a shit on your lawn, and I am pretty sure that is THE trick you teach your dog before all others.  It is the primo trick, trick number one.  Well number one and number two go together.  They’re combined into trick number one.  You don’t want your dog to pee or poop in your house, I am pretty sure, at least not on your carpet or sofa.  So I assume your dog is well familiar and accomplished with trick number one and does his business outside.

So there it is, a messy turd on your lawn.  You could wait a few days and let it dry out and then take your 9 iron and chip it over the fence into your neighbors yard.  But then there’s the risk your dog or five year old twins will roll around in it and track the mess all over your house  before you take the time to go find your golf bag.  So really the best resolution is to get it off your lawn asap.  Most people do the thing where you take a plastic bag of some sort and try scooping the stinky stuff up with that.  But what happens is you likely make a bigger mess by smearing everything all over the place.  Now you should really go get your garden hose and wash that slippery brown spot off your green grass.

The solution is to get yourself a big box of surgical gloves.  Put one on and slip your fingers underneath the turd.  The trick is to get way down below that tootsie roll.  Create some space for your gloved fingers to glide under it, letting them comb the grass that supports the butt brownie.  Then you are in complete control.  You’ll be clutching the entire mass and have it confined within a protected environment and you can do whatever you want with that chocolate banana.  That’s what I just learned.  In fact I’m going to go out and pick me up some more surgical gloves today, and then call my stock broker and have him dump some money into Becton Dickinson.  I think my method is really going to catch on.

Now that I’ve figured this out,  best of all I don’t have to worry that little Alfie will tumble into one of his keister cakes and be all stinky while I hold him in my lap.  That’s what I’m doing right now.  He’s so damn cute.  You just can’t help but want to cuddle up with the little tyke.  Isn’t that right, Alfie?  You’re just so cute!  Yes you are.  Yes you are.  Yes, yOWW!!  The little fucker bit me! God damn it those tiny teeth are sharp.  Son of a bitch I’m bleeding all over my carpet.  I bet this is one of those new tricks my daughter-in-law taught Alfie.  She’s had it in for me ever since I made fun of her goofy looking shoes. God damn it I wonder if I need stitchers.

Turns out I needed stitches