Lansing MI:  Citing yet another example of governmental restriction of constitutional liberty, over two dozen robustly armed patriots charged into the Michigan State Capital Building this morning to demonstrate against all forms of regulatory hand washing.  “We are sick and tired of our governor telling us what to do,” said local resident and free lance sperm donor Fred Wickster, as he nervously fidgeted with the safety switch on his gleaming 60 round Saint AR-15.  I’m not about to wash my hands just because some bureaucratic bitch says I ought to,”  Wickster loudly and confidently informed his surrounding confederates, and any of the other unfortunates who were in the building as the result of lamentably bad timing . “It’s time we stopped washing our hands and get back to normal.”

 

These  Michigan men seem well equipped to remind the public of their constitutional right to not wash their hands 

Herb Ridgewetter, a septic tank cleaner who lives on the Eastern Upper Peninsula, said he is taking the protest to another level by refusing to bath altogether.  “This is BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT,” he  proclaimed, not realizing he also managed to take the discussion to another decible level.  Holding a semi automatic short barrel in each hand and brandishing crossed leather bandoliers that stored 100 rounds of ammunition acrosss his upper torso, Ridgewetter understandably commanded attention.  Whether it was this lethal appearance or his  overwhelmingly odious presence, even the stallwarts in attendance were ironically obliged to extend him the courtesy of six feet of separation recommended by the CDC. “These hands are instuments of the Lord,” Ridgewetter went on to forcefully profess.  “And only the Lord , not some phoney shit-assed politician or prissy scientific know it all, can tell me what to do with my fucKING HANDS!!”

Conspicuous for his comparatively understated display of explosive armament was Arnold Flackman, an unemployed man from rural Battle Creek.  He was holding only a Remington Wingmaster 16 gauge that he uses for bird hunting, although he also had a 20 inch machete strapped to his belt, “Just in case,” as he put it.  Flackman said he was at the event on behalf of all the restuarant workers of America.  As a recently terminated Chipotle employee, he recalled being constantly berated for failing to wash his hands.  “It was mortifying,” he said   “My hands were always dry, even bloody, from all the washing.  You don’t know what resaurant workers go through, all the constant badgering.  I mean what’s next in this country.  Are we going to have dentists showing up on our doorsteps to check if we’re brushing properly.  Who’s going to stop all this harassment?  My free hands are not going to be constrained by the shackles of some random civil decree,” he said, as he used his free hand to wipe away nasal mucous dribbling downward from the nose hole in his modified ski mask.

While he twirled the barrel of one of his Vector CR-21’s in rythmic circles,  Mr.  Ridgewetter seemingly made clear the mission statement of the entire group.  “This isn’t about hand washing or mask wearing or any of that bullshit.  It’s about freedom.  You mess with our freedom, we mess with you!”