Following is the transcript from this evening’s Breaking News story aired on our station.

——————————————————————————————————————————–
Good evening.  There is no reason you should know me, so before I go any further I guess I should introduce myself.  I am Billy Bimble, President Trump’s assistant press secretary.  As you are probably aware, President Trump was arrested this afternoon and is in a Mexico City jail, along with Press Secretary Hannibal, and the president has instructed me to speak to you tonight about his current predicament.  Before I get to that however, the president wants me to assure you that, although he is naturally upset with the Mexican government, he is perfectly safe and is confident the misunderstanding about his situation, as well as the wall under construction along the U.S.-Mexico border, will be all cleared up very shortly.  I spoke with him just an hour ago and he sounded like he was really pissed off, like usual, so that’s a good sign.

An hour really didn’t give me much time to get my thoughts together, but I will do my best to explain what is going on.  Remember, I am just an assistant, so you really shouldn’t expect much.  Actually I was just handed my title during this recent conversation with the president.  What I was before was the guy who carried around President Trump’s can of hair spray.  You might think that is the mother of all sweet jobs, but let me tell you the responsibilities are enormous.  You know how angry he gets.  In the last three years he has fired four people who couldn’t do the job right.  I bet you didn’t know that, did you?  I kind of psyched myself with the goal of hanging on and making it through this last year of his first term.  Now I’m hoping he gets a second one.  When I was handling the hair spray duties, I wasn’t so sure.  I got tired of getting yelled at.  But I have a feeling there will be a lot less pressure now that I am assistant press secretary.

So you are probably wondering how in the heck President Trump got himself into this fix in Mexico.  The details are still murky, but I am sure it had something to do with his anger issues.  He was already upset when he boarded Air Force One for his trip.  That’s the reason I’m still here and not in a jail in Mexico.  If you watched the news you might have noticed his hair flippity-flopping around while he was waving to the crowd right before he stepped into his plane.  He says I should have been prepared for that cross wind and given him a second coat before he climbed up the stairs.  Then he angrily snatched his hair spray out of my hand, said he’d just handle the job himself, and told me to go home.  I bet he’s damn glad that cross wind came up now.  At least he’s got me here to try and explain away all the troubles that are swirling around.

Some say he went a little too far when he challenged Speaker Ryan to that dual, but his approval rating skyrocketed when he fired Vice President Palin.  He did a standing back-flip when those poll numbers came out.  By now you all know how close President Trump was to shooting her.  And who can blame him?  It wasn’t so much the United Nations address she gave this summer, although that was pretty bad.  Even our U.S. translator couldn’t figure out what in the world she was saying.  Shutting the proceedings down for a day so people could go over their notes didn’t seem to help.  I guess Russia was pretty miffed.  Somehow those guys originally thought Vice President Palin called President Putin a “hole of and ass” for one thing, not to mention how upset the entire European Union was when a German diplomat misconstrued something she said to mean “Euro-trash.”  You have to hand it to all those interpreters in the building for sticking together and sorting things out.

But no it wasn’t that bewildering speech.  I tell you it was that which is known to all of us- that voice, the screeching sounds emitted like that of a wailing banshie, inflicting debilitating migraines upon the unprepared and causing dogs to howl and scatter in startled confusion.  It was after enduring one of Vice President Palin’s ten minute, ear drum shattering ramblings in the Oval Office that the president could stand it no longer and threatened her with his Glock 17.  I was in that room when it happened, and make no mistake it was I, Billy Bimble, who saved Vice President Palin’s life.  I take full responsibility.  I am truly sorry, but I was simply reacting instinctively.   Please, everyone!  Give me a break and stop tweeting all the hate messages.

Like I said, what exactly happened in Mexico is still unclear.  What is known, the stuff you know about from news reports, is the president went to Mexico on sort of a pacification mission, I think you would call it, about the wall he is building along our southern border.  And you are probably aware that Mexican President Cabarro got his underwear in a bunch over that thing.  Sixty feet high seemed like overkill to him I guess.  He said he would never agree to pay for a single strand of barbed wire, let alone a wall that blocks out the sun, and if President Trump wanted to do something about it he would just have to come down to Mexico because he sure as hell wasn’t going to go to Washington now that President Trump signed off on Amendment XXVIII.

I know everyone in our great country is well aware of this new constitutional amendment, but as I understand it this is being broadcast in Mexico, so I’ll go over it just in case there’s someone down there that has a TV set.  It was our insightful sitting president that sat around and finally did something about gun control.  Just so you know, our hispanic neighbors, Amendment XXVIII, specifically Section 1, mandates that every citizen of the United States of America carry a firearm of some sort at all times.  No doubt all our guns scare the crap out of you, our Mexican friends, which if you ask me is kind of ironic with all the bullet-riddled  bodies you have laying around in your country.   But you should understand it turned out to simply be the best way to clarify our pesky second amendment.  That stupid thing was so ambiguous.  I don’t know what in the heck our founding fathers were thinking there.  Man, would they be amazed if they could see the nice AK-101 I picked up for my little boy.  It knocks the little tyke right on his ass whenever he pulls the trigger.  Cute as the dickens.  I got that on-line at Fred’s Friendly-Fire Firearms Emporium.  Poor Fred was really taking some heat before section 3 of Amendment XXVIII made sure everyone knows on-line sales are just a sensible way to get guns into everyone’s hands.  And in my experience, Fred’s gun prices are hard to beat, unless you have a neighbor like I do.  Jack Vinivici- he just lives three houses down from me- he always has a garage sale of some sort going on.  Thank God section 4 of Amendment XXVIII came along to protect the rights of guys like Jack.  He likes to have special gun sales in the summer and early fall.  Then he can just lay everything out on tables in his driveway.  I was driving by his house last week and that’s when I picked up a sweet 9mm P99 pistol for my thirteen year old daughter.  She was a little upset I didn’t get her an assault weapon, but I just don’t think she should have a rifle slung over her shoulder.  I know a lot of the ladies like to accessorize with leather, but personally I think it looks a bit trampy.

Anyway, I guess what happened is, like you know, President Trump flew down to Mexico and while this wall conference was going on, apparently at some point he asked one of his secret servicemen to give the back of his head a quick shot of hair spray.  I know from experience touching up the back of the president’s head can be tricky.  If he feels any kind of moisture on his neck he can get pretty cranky.  And sure enough that’s what happened.  Evidently the president yelled out “You’re fired” and unfortunately a couple of President Cabarro’s body guards thought he said “Fire” and then all hell broke loose and after the gun smoke cleared both of President Trumps’s secret servicemen were in the hospital and the president and Press Secretary Hannibal were in a Mexico City jail.  That’s all I know so far.

Now I know all of you want to jump in your cars and head down to Mexico with your guns.  The president has asked me to tell you to stay calm.  He has also asked me to instruct the Secretary of Defense to amass the First and Second Armies along the border.  The president is running out of cell phone charge, so he asked me to pass this information along.  My cell phone battery is running low too, so If you wouldn’t mind Mr. Secretary, please inform the Joint Chiefs of Staff of this request.  The president is confident once the Mexican government sees the potential smack down they are about to get from our men in uniform, they will release him.  He’s pretty sure they’ll remember what happened back in 1846.  Of course if our boys do end up invading Mexico they might have some trouble getting over that wall.  I suppose if worse comes to worse they’ll just have to blast a hole in it.  Man I hope I’m not the one that has to explain that to President Trump.

So everyone, stay home!  We all know you have the guns to do the job, but let’s leave this one to the U.S. Army.  We don’t want things to get out of hand like they did last month.  You know how people blow everything out of proportion.  It’s ridiculous.  If I hear one more complainer say “Now our mass shootings are taking place at mass,” I swear I will shoot them myself.  Sure that gunfight that broke out in St. Patricks’s Cathedral gave our new amendment a black eye, but remember now it’s normal people like us doing the shooting, not all those crazy people.  Who knew the Irish take their Notre Dame football so seriously.

OK!  I think we are all on the same page.  Let’s calm down and holster up.  We have nothing to fear but fear itself- FDR.  And now that we all have our guns, what in the world are we afraid of?  Good night and God bless America.

Authors Note:  4 out of 5 people that liked this post also liked “Pre-Class Reunion” (May 2015) and “Female Final Four” (February 2015).  These people also consider the one guy that didn’t like these posts to be a big prick.  Also, 5 out of 5 of these people hated everything else on this site.  They can all just kiss my ass.