As accumulating evidence keeps shattering President Trump’s arguments against impeachment  one after another, a mystifying phenomenon is becoming alarmingly apparent- congressional Republicans have somehow lost the ability to locate their asses.  Curiously, the anomaly is attributed to a somewhat bazaar reflexive response to seeing a hole in the ground.  “It’s just weird,” one reporter stated.  “Republicans exit a building and if they come across a hole in the ground, they just stand there all tensed up staring at it, often swirling a piece of paper in it for some reason.  I’ve never seen anything like it.”

When Democratic Congressman Adam Schiff saw Republican Devin Nunes locked in a  paralytic fixation with a hole in the ground, he said he did his best to reach out to him.  “I said Devin, quit staring at that hole in the ground.  That is not your ass!  Your ass is right behind you. Just reach around with your hands and you’ll find it. Deep down you know you can do this!” After several minutes of futile instruction, Schiff said he threw up his hands and went to lunch.

One reporter said he became so concerned about Lindsey Graham he gave serious consideration to calling emergency health services  “There was Lindsey, poking a stick in and out of a hole in the ground, and he wouldn’t even make the slightest attempt to find his ass.  Not only did he refuse to believe any of my information, he said the hole he was prodding with that stick was working out just fine, and to fuck off because he wasn’t about to listen to anything I had to say anyway.   Jesus I was only trying to be helpful.”

Longtime observers of Capital Hill affairs commented that the strange behavior is not at all unprecedented.  According to them however, what is unusual is that it has so completely overwhelmed one political party.  Many experienced people have expressed a fear that the resulting obstruction amongst so many Republicans not being able to distinguish their ass from a hole in the ground will precipitate an explosive situation.

“I don’t know about explosions,” said congressional record clerk Robert Noteman, “but I don’t advise lingering anywhere near a Republican caucus room right now.  It can really stink in there.”

NOTE:  Use of Metaphorical interpretive skills for this narrative, though advantageous, is not necessarily required.

And everyone, enjoy this holiday.  I know President Trump issued a stern warning that there are liberal subversives roaming about with nothing better to do than insist on changing the name of today’s holiday from Thanksgiving to…Actually I don’t know, and the president doesn’t know,  because typically enough Trump only told this blatant lie to stir up the people he was speaking to at a political rally.  But rest assured there is no problem here.  If you are one of Trump’s true believers, you know,  just as he did with Christmas, saving holidays is in his wheelhouse and seems to be a thing you should be thankful for.  And for the rest of us, we perfectly understand this man does not know his ass from a hole in the ground.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Unfortunately making fun of the President of the United States occupies way too much of my free time- something I have an abundance of.  It’s just too easy.  Many of the things Trump does are frightfully alarming, but like many people I try to make the best of his conduct by joking about it.  But every once in awhile I reach a point of saturation and my collection barrel of satiric fodder becomes a bitter trough overflowing with bewilderment and anger.   If the revelations about Trump in just these past few weeks don’t start sounding alarm bells  in the Republican party and our population in general I fear for the future of our democracy.

As I have stated before, there are certainly more qualified people out there editorializing about the Trump administration. But with so much perplexity and corruption emanating from this administration the challenge  to stay abreast of it all is Herculean.    For your convenience, what follows is a synopsis, and related episodic history, of revelations about our president that have occurred in just the past couple of weeks that really, really piss me off or frankly scare the shit out of me.  In the interest of everyone’s time I won’t go into details.  Just Google if something is unfamiliar  to you.

1. Topping the list is undermining national institutions, in this case “Sharpygate.” How something so petty could be so bothersome to Trump only shows how dangerous an out of control ego can become, and how detached from reality he seems to be.   For Trump, no mistake is too small  to disavow.  He has intimidated one body of the legislative branch into near impotence, has managed to install a subservient attorney general and  usurp much of the countervailing power of the judicial branch, attacked the press, intelligence departments and the Federal Reserve.  But questioning the National Weather Service?  Are you shitting me?  And then  threatening the department employees unless they back him up?  That both Wilbur Ross and Mick Mulvaney were involved in Trump appeasement demonstrates how intimidating life must be serving under this president. Inserting himself as chief administrator of the IRS would be a logical next step for Trump.   I would not be surprised if Trump thought it only fair that he did control the weather, as well as the rotation of the earth.
2. Emoluments violations.  We have known this has been going on since he was elected.  But the discloser that the U.S. Air Force has been sending planes to an airport in Scotland that services his golf course in order to prop it up and then billeting air crews at that very golf   course is absolutely galling.  Oh wait.  I forgot about Doral.  Trump brazenly promoted that golf course in front of a national TV audience.  Give me a break.  Who can keep up with all the graft.  Both of these golf courses are losing money, so it would only make sense to a greed infested monarch to assume the taxpaying peasantry would be more than happy to subsidize his personal business ventures.
3. Undermining national security. Where to start? Nevermind that he uses unsecured cell phones and Ivanka has used a person email account for WH business (lock her up!).  Trump’s recent tweet of a classified photo of the aftermath of the explosion at an Iranian space center is just one of a half dozen of national security leeks of his his own volition.  He was in office less than two months and he revealed classified intelligence to Russian diplomats.  Shortly after that, he bragged to Philipine strongman Duerte about the presence of  U.S. nuclear submarines off the coast of North Korea, stunning the Pentagon which has a policy to never discuss submarine locations.  After the subway bombing in London, Trump tweeted out information about Scotland Yard and was rebuked by the prime minister. But the new revelation that there was a secret exfiltration from Russia of a valuable American intelligence asset in 2017 because there were fears that Trump’s cavalier handling of intelligence information could lead to his exposure is startling.  Though I personally believe Trump has some financial involvement with Russia,  I don’t think there is anything overtly  treasonous  going on with the guy as related to national security. He is simply a bungling boob.
4.  Which might explain why Trump actually believes a simple fix to the threat of hurricane destruction is to make it radioactive. Trump has no clue when it comes to understanding the workings of the natural world.  His environmental policies are tragically counter intuitive.     With Flint  and Newark problems fresh in the news you would think he would at least put his roll back of clean water protections on hold.  And now he’s dicking around with  tailpipe regulations that not only make sense for environmental reasons, but rolling them back will give car manufactures mind-bending migraines.

It is a logical assumption that if President Obama ever did just one of the crazy things Trump has done the Republicans would be screaming for impeachment.  Trump gets a pass from supporters apparently because he is an “outsider” who is adjusting to the office and/or has a different approach to governmental affairs.  It’s been three years.  By now we should all realize what Trump has learned while in office is how to take advantage it.  It is often wondered if  his head scratching antics have some grand strategy.  Critics who seem to know him best think not, and I believe those people are correct. He has no strategy.  His decisions are generally impulsive, his policies scattered and incoherent.  Donald Trump deals with life in only two ways- for self promotion or self protection.  Republicans in congress need to show some balls and pump the brakes on this maniac.

Son of a Bitch!  Just when I thought I was ready to publish and had things tidied up for us, guess what? Along comes another WH scandal.  You knew that would happen, right?  Add this one  to category 3. Wait.  I’m hearing this might be bribery or extortion.  Gotta hand it to Trump.  He’s certainly not afraid to try something new.  The story so far is Trump made a secret “promise” of some sort during a phone call to a foreign leader that prompted a whistleblower to rat it out, and of course details of the episode are being suppressed by the justice department.  WTF?  And House Democrats! WTF was up with your pathetic Lewandowski interview?  That slime ball has no executive privilege protection.  You should have thrown the asshole in jail!.  God damn it!  Congress has got to hold this administration accountable to the laws of the land. I need a nap.

Citing an ambiguous 1977 economic emergency act, President Trump issued an edict   demanding U.S. companies move out of China and urged them to return to the United States. “We don’t need China, and we’re  far better off without them,” the president tweeted.    When asked how quickly he thought he could move his Chinese golf cap, neck tie and travel mug manufacturing back to the United States, the president disdainfully replied, “The president can just kiss my ass.  The president of the United States can not tell the president of the United States what to do.  You can’t just pull out of country on a whim. There’s equipment to move, arrangement have to be made for raw materials, and with Chinese  labor I make much more money than I can employing American workers, believe me.  The president should know this demand  is something that the president should never realistically be expected to obey.”

President Trump perceptively pointed out that regardless he was sure that there was  some other obscure law he could enforce that would prohibit him from going to all that trouble.

Leaving no stone unturned in his quest to make America great again, President Trump has announced he is taking a hard look at the animals listed in the Endangered Species Act.  In a brief conversation with reporters from the grounds of his New Jersey golf course, the president indicated that it was time to stop coddling so many members of the animal kingdom.   “We have to do something,” the president said.  “You look around and you see all these wild animals holding up progress and squatting on land that has precious oil reserves. What do they do for us?   There aren’t many wild animals contributing anything to this country, believe me.”

When one reporter challenged his interpretation of progress and contribution, the president was quick to point out that in many places there aren’t many wild animals around anymore anyway.  “Look at wolves.  They’re disappearing.  It’s like they’ve given up.  There are winners and losers.  What would you rather have anyway-  a hand-full of slimy otters or a mile long train-load of  beautiful, clean coal.  Beavers haven’t given us anything  since felted hats. And let’s say you’re building a big, beautiful golf corse and then all of a sudden you can’t complete the 36th fairway because of some stupid eagle’s nest.  Give me a break!”

EPA Administrator Andrew Wheeler defended the president’s position.  He bluntly stated that  animals just are not pulling their weight.  “Wild animals are becoming a nuisance.  It only makes sense to establish something like the ‘public charge’ standards that we’re doing with immigration.  We let these wild animals roam around, a lot of them going into places they’re not wanted, eating our nuts and berries, even vandalizing property and dumping over garbage cans.  Pretty ungrateful if you ask me.”

Alabama native Herb Grunk says he can’t wait to attend President Trump’s “Salute to America” 4th of July Celebration in DC next month.  ” I just hope he brings up Hillary’s e-mails right quick.  That’s always a crowd pleaser,” Grunk said.  He seemed  confident breaking out the usual boisterous calls to incarcerate the former Secretary of State as well as  espousing deafening declarations concerning the suction proclivity of both CNN and AOC would provide a nice supplemental form of entertainment to the more traditional pyrotechnics.   Lady Liberty may never be more confused.

So set aside your sparklers and bottle rockets everyone.  Its time for pitchforks and torches, as frequent MAGA rally attendee and former sheriff David Clarke is fond of saying.  This will be a different kind of 4th of July.  But then, presently  this is a different kind of America.

Politicizing Independence Day did not work out so well the one other time it was tried.  Crowd enthusiasm for President Nixon’s 4th of July “Honor America Day” in 1970, was inconveniently dampened by irritating clouds of  of police tear gas.  History does have a way of repeating itself.  

The poll of Trump supporters that was taken two days ago to asses the impact the Mueller report had on their opinions revealed some noteworthy findings.  In particular it indicated that many were stunned by the inconsistent results the president has had in carrying out acts of obstruction.  Typical of exit polling remarks were those of Herbert Gliterman.  “I have to admit the report left me a little disappointed.  We all know what a great lier he is.  Nobody comes close.  Sure he can get friends and family to lie right along with him. But I just don’t understand how he can’t seem to get the really important people around him to lie too.  What kind of leadership is that?”  Gliterman (pictured) placed some of the blame for Trump’s failings on what he called “tight-assed m*****f*****s,” a term his wife  later explained was Mr. Gliterman’s way of describing traditional Washington bureaucrats.

Pollsters reported there is one other finding that stood out.  Many people seem conflicted about the revelation that President Trump could not supply an answer to 37 of the written interview questions that he was asked to submit to Mueller investigators. “I’m a little concerned,” said  poll participant Margie Netherbottom.  “That’s not like him.  Everyone knows what a great memory he has.  He mentions that at almost every rally.  And the best brain.  He has a dynamite brain.  He’s out there commenting about his fantastic brain all the time.  I certainly hope he’s all right.”

Others, like Paul Wintermunster, had a different point of view.  “Don’t let all the preposterously unbelievable number of unanswered questions fool you.  That all just shows what a genius the man is.  He’s the deal maker.  He sets the rules.  I mean It’s not like he was under oath.  And even if he was, who cares?”

President Trump responded to the negative polling fallout  later in the day.  It read,  “Who knew obstruction pf justice could be so hard.”