It has emerged that White House custodian Johnnie Snakes has been in contact with members of the former president’s family to gauge their interest in procuring  the documents the former president flushed down the toilets on the second floor of the building.  A reporter familiar with this story  revealed that Mr. Snakes offered his material to the National Archives previously, but strict health and sanitation restrictions prevented that exchange.

When asked if there was anything readable on the executive papers in his possession, Mr. Snakes said that after drying everything with a hair dryer it was surprising how much information was discernible, and if you look carefully you can see words like “class”  and “top.”  He explained that with the National Archives out of the picture he thought the Trump’s might be intersted in preserving the documents in the Donald Trump Presidential Library.

It was confirmed that Eric Trump did have a conversation with Mr. Snakes, and seemed interested in the offer.  It is well known that other than a copy of “The Art of the Deal” and any magazine with the former president’s picture on it there is little in the way of printed matter that former President Trump is enthusiasitic about.  Though the extracted papers are unusually attenuated, Eric  thought they still had relevance, but felt obligated to run the idea by the rest of the family.

In the meantime, Mr. Snakes is anxious to be relieved of his extrications.  Since he is unsure of its improtance, he has felt a responsibility to secure the material.  “No one in the White House could tell me what to do with this stuff,” he said.  “I had it all in my house at first, but it stinks so bad I moved it all out to the garage.  I am really hoping the Trumps have a use for it.  I spent a fortune on Fabreze and it’s in every corner of the garage, but it just isn’t cutting it anymore.

As is generally understood, ever since he lost the 2020 election former President Trump has been seething.  Lashing out during his speech at his Texas rally this past weekend, he informed the revelers in attendance that he was extremely proud of all the fine effort put forth during the January 6th insurrection, and is ready to reward all those who went to bat, or used one for him, with a full pardon should he be re-elected.

At one point during his oratory however,  he subtly gave the impression that he might have been slightly disappointed in the crowd size of the Capital Buiding rioters.  At least that’s the theory of former Trump campaign aide Josh Stageman.  “He’s always been a nut over crowd size,” Stageman pointed out.  “I’m pretty sure that’s why it took him so long to break away from his television set and make a public statement on the 6th.  All the different camera angles and shifting scenes kept throwing off his head count.”

When Trump encouraged his Texas supporters to prepare to take to the streets again should anything in the way of justice befall him, Stageman applauded the move.  “By doing that, he hits the trifecta,” he said.  “It’s possible he’ll have both civil and criminal indictments coming up in three different cities.  He’s just daring anyone in the justice department to provide him with another grievance.  Imagine three cities convulsed in a Trump rage.  Smashing the George Floyd protest mark would warm his heart.  And the best thing is he might not have to wait for his re-election to fullfill that dream.”

When Stageman was asked if he thought it was a mistake for Trump to admit January 6th was all about overturning the election on national TV, he quickly downplayed the acknowledgment.  “It likely means there’ll be more snooping around by some radical, vicious, racist prosecutor.  Move over Earth Day and Women’s March.”

Normalizing as an Art Form

Fox News has officially opened its company auditions portal for President of the United States. The 2024 cycle presents some unusual circumstances, most specifically the uncertainty of former President Trump’s candidacy.   Since he has continued to remain uncommitted, Fox News has been hesitant to start the auditioning process. But it has emerged that the company now feels it is extremely important to get an early look at potential candidates to see who is best qualified to carry the heavy burden of misinformation if the former president decides not to run.

Always eager to take advantage of opportunity, Senator Ted Cruz wasted little time to be the first to declare his servitude.  Ted Cruz- Always at the Ready to Bend Over

“I was a little surprised at the extent of his groveling,” said company CEO Lachlan Murdoch. “But on the other hand I like the fact that he elbowed his way to the front of the line.  That’s something we hold in high regard and our last guy had that trait in spades.”

Murdoch went on to say that though assertivness is important, at Fox the most prized charactersic is the ability to discern the truth. “Truth is paramount. We look for someone who understands the facts and what is false and is able to tell our viewers which one is best for them to hear,” Murdock stated.

Now that Senator Cruz has auditioned for the Fox endorsement, the company expects a flood of applicants.  It is rumored that  Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Green has scheduled an interview and the word is Sean Hannity is enamored with the feisty Georgian.  According to Hannity’s make-up assistant, he likes the fact she is interested in space and laser technology. And it’s no secret Hannity thinks accesorizing with an assault rifle is something more young ladies should consider feminizing with.

And speaking of guns, Fox commentator Laura Inhgraham on the other hand is said to favor Representative Lauren Boebert.  Ingraham feels honest commitment is really important, and you can’t get more committed than Boebert, who lives in Rifle Colorado and encourages open carry in her restaurant, Shooter’s Grill.  And like Ms. Greene, she devotes a large portion of her time on the congressional clock to Qanon studies.

It is believed Tucker Carlson is hopeful Representative Louie Gohmert drops by for an interview.  In Carlson’s opinion, Gohmert’s Texas drawl has a certain charm that appeals to much of America.   There’s no denying that listening to a Louie Gohmert rant can make you wonder if there isn’t a causal connection of sorts between his type of homespun folksiness and something the family might not want revealed in ancestry.com.

Some executives in the hierarchy at Fox think Congressman Matt Gaetz might have the inside track for their coveted endorsement.  They reason that just as the Access Hollywood tape worked for Trump, showing phone tit piks to colleagues on the House floor might give Gaetz’s candicacy a boost.

The dark horse in the endorsement race has to be Congressman Paul Gosar of Arizona.  A couple of members of the polling department at Fox News are seeing data that indicates a rapidly growing development that potentially could push the country in a complety novel direction.  In an effort to “own the libs,” there appears to be a surging movement in the Republican party to migrate from authoritarianism to total governing by incompetence.  One optimistic pollster put it this way: “The deep thinkers of the movement believe it’s time for a legitimate crazy man to run the country. Plus, there will be people who sympathetically vote for Gosar since from all appearances he was the unfortunate victim of some horrible farm accident. It’s kind of a win-win.”

Murdoch said any one of these people would make a great candidate and the company would look forward to manipulating whoever is selected. “I think there is a bench here that’s full of promise,” he said.  He did clarify that with the 2022 midterms on the horizon, the pool of prospects could deepen dramatically.  “I can’t claim to understand how these people got elected,” he said.  “But that’s the point.  They did.  I know some constituents think electing people like this is funny, and some like to push the envelope of credulity, that sort of thing.  But that’s what makes this country great.  It’s full of people who love a good joke as well as mind bending risk.  And boy does it make our job easier.”

With death threats being hurled at them from every direction, jittery U.S. elected officials are abandoning re-election plans left and right.  As a result, 2022 is shaping up to be an unprecidented year for ambitious political neophites.  Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said he’s never seen anything like it.  “It used to be just the Democrats  had to worry about getting shot.  But all of a sudden, threatening phone calls and emails are becoming an every day occurance for Republicans as well.  That is simply unacceptable.”

When congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene was recently queried about the increasing amount  of vitriol being leveled at public servants, she had a more optimistic spin on the unusual situation.  “It is public knowelege that I believe the best solution to all our problems is to fire a bullet into Nancy Pelosi’s head.”  She went on to praise her colleague congressman Paul Gosar for stepping up and sharing his video fantasy of beheading Democratic Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortes on social media. “A beheading fantacy is nice, but I am a bit surprised he  didn’t involve working over her big mouth with a Dremel tool and vice-grips.  After all he is a dentist.”

In Colorado, reporters reached out to Representative Lauren Boebert and asked her opinion about all the threatening derangement.  Conducting the interview at the shooting range in her Rocky Mountain home, she was asked if she thought Gosar’s video was appropriate.  Ms. Boebert replied with a one word answer: “Bullseye!” she said, as reporters bore witness to the 10cm hole in the middle of the image of Dr. Fauci’s face, a favorite paper object Boebert family and friends use to hone their shooting skills.

During a press conference yesterday, Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy addressed this roiling subject in conjunction with the confusing House Republican voting record.  Several concerns revolved around the recently passed infrastructure bill. McCarthy was asked why Republicans voted almost unanimously against something the majority of their constituents are begging for.  McCarthy explained that every American has the right to choose not to drive on smoothly paved roads and safe bridges.  He made it abundantly clear he was positive our freedom loving country was fed up with the Democrat’s socialistic agenda of forcing clean water down their throats.

Pressed about seemingly contradictory House censure votes, McCarhty stumbled a bit.  When asked why he thought it was appropriate to strip committe assignments from the 13 Republican representatives who voted for the  overwhelmingly popular infrastucure bill, but refused to censure Gosar for an outrageously offensive and inflammatory video, McCarthy mumbled something about baby carrots and passed the question off to G.O.P. flamethrower Jim Jordan.

“We love Paul Gosar,” Jordan declared.  “We need more patriotic dentists like him running the country.  It’s just like snowflake Democrats to make a big issue out of this beheading business when everyone knows how hard it is to aquire a decent sword nowadays. Who goes out looking for a sword when you can pick up a perfectly machined assault rifle for practically pennies?  We need people like Paul Gosar in our party- people with a provocative imagination who think for themselves as long as they agree with whatever ego enhancing and self serving directive trickles down from our authoritarian leadership. If you are fed up with being told what to do by a horde of bureaucratic Marxists, tired of all the tortuous masking up cruelty, are willing to go the extra mile and forgo a covid vaccination, jeapordizing your own life  and keeping a lethal contageon active out of sheer spite for the current Democratic administration, then you my friend are just what our party is looking for.  Make no mistake.  We have our best people out there making sure these political offices keep opening up, and the 21st century Republican party wants Republican leaders like Paul Gosar filling those positions.  They are the  the driving force behind the Republican Party’s remarkably simple ideology- the stick together or you might get shot platform.  Join us.  It will be a blast.”

Mental health experts from several renowned scientific communities have recently issued a colloborative study that indicates long haul Trump could be far more pervasive and debilitating than the regular form of Trump.  Although the typical eitiology of Trump, which includes rampant corruption, inciting insurrection, insidious cronyism and nepotism, indisputable narcissism, unrestrained graft, blatant incompetence, habitual lying, willful disregard of public health and scientific expertise,  moral degeneracy, overt racism, unfettered misogyny, heartless mockery of the handicapped, lawless obstruction, abuse of power, distain of laws and institutions, eschewing responsibilty, and general ignorance of history and the U.S. constitution, as well as many things rooted in reality, is difficult to deal with, it was assumed that as it ran it’s four year course the misery would subside.

Regarding personal symptomology, the study confirmed that long haul Trump is similar to the garden variety of Trump- lethargy, headache, nausea and vomitng, diarrhea, constipation, depression, suicidal thoughts, loss of appetite, polyphagia, anxiety, urinary retention, urinary incontinence, double vision, hemorrhoids, essential tremor, antisocial behavior, and almost anything else that is wrong with you.   However, there are two important symptoms that are much more prevalent in long haul Trump.  First, an overwhelming sense that Trump will never go away, and second, a crushing conviction that American democracy is teetering on the verge of collapse.

We are frustratingly close to both prevention and a cure for Trump in all its forms.  All that is required is for Republican leadership to start telling the truth.  And above all else, why that is not happening is  what is so perplexing about the Trump contageon. What is it about it that transforms the moral spine of intelligent Republican members of congress into a gellatanous mass of sinister pusillanimity?  To the embarrassment of many, there will be a future study that gives us the answer to that question.

Undeterred by the disappointing results of their Cyber Ninja audit, it has emerged that Arizona Republicans will now move forward with yet another election audit, and this time they really mean business.  That’s because the person put in charge of this audit is none other than former President Trump’s man for all Four Seasons, Rudy Giuliani.

When contacted by reporters yesterday, Mr. Giuliani seemed extremely confident the people he  has in mind to scrutinze ballots would unfailingly turn up election chicanery.  Although he wouldn’t go into specific details, he did reveal that his audit would be conducted by a team of cyborgs and ninjas with unprecedented experience in meeting out justice.  “I told the Arizona Republicans last time that this is the way to go,” Mr.Giulini stated.  “CyBORGS and ninjas, not Cyber Ninjas.  Well, they got mixed up.  Mistakes happen, like landscape businesses and hotels. That stuff just happens.”

Mr. Giuliani went on to explain how the ninjas, with their extremely quick reflexes and hand-eye coordination will flip through ballots at the speed of light, and cyborgs will use their amazing powers of vision and computer interfacing to sort out anything nefarious.  “There’s no doubt in my mind these guys will find those bamboo ballots.  And you know darn well there’ll be other things, like counterfit things.  What do you suppose the Democrats do with all the leftovers of the babies they eat?  Everyone knows what’s going on in those pizza parlor basements.  It wouldn’t surprise me one bit if they’re manufacturing ballots using paper made out of cadaver skin.  And Venezuelan oil!  You can bet those voting machines are loaded with oil from that communist country.  And dead people! You know dead people smell horrible.  If there are votes filled out by dead people a cyborg will pick up on it just like that,” Giuliani said with a self-assured snap of his fingers.

Giuliani claims a half dozen cyborgs will do the trick.                          A Mr. Chi will supervise all ninjas

Sorry but this is a continuation of stuff I bitched about last time.  I have to after seeing this.. Group Manslaughter  . There is nothing acceptable about this. Intractible anti-vaxers and anti-maskers are responsible for this and can just eat shit.  And if you fall into the catagory of vaccine hesitant, I understand your trepidation. It’s completely normal to question things. I am aware shaming you is counter productive.  But for god’s sake what more proof do you want? These vaccines are miraculously effective and safe. And hardly anything in life is without risk.  Every year over 5000 people die in this country choking on food. Armed with this information it would not surprise me at all if a few hard core conspiracy enthusiasts gave up eating.

Every sane person in this country wants to put this virus behind us.  By now it is obvious what is needed to get that done. Specifically it will require having a population that is as close to universally vaccinated as posssible, and wearing masks, testing and contact tracing  whenever needed until that densely vaccinated population is achieved. At this point in time it is mind-boggling that so many people do not understand this, or even worse, understand it and still refuse to participate in this imperative.

Assholes that believe mandatory vaccination or masking are somehow infringements on their liberty  have a very narrow perspective of the concept.  If we all want freedom from this disease, we need a collective effort to enjoy it.  Without it, we will become locked into an ongoing loop of viral mutation.  Disruptions, health concerns and frustration will continue.  In a vary large measure liberty will evade all of us if we stay on this trajectory.

That is no more apparent than what is happening in our hospitals presently.  With the development of the vaccine, we once had the ability to crush covid, at least in this country.  Because so many people decided, for whatever reason, their individual rights were more important than the common good, we are where we are with covid surging again. Historically this nation has been better than this.  The ideal of freedom and liberty that unvaccinated people are bringing into emergency rooms along with their disease I imagine mutates into the very real concepts of carelessness and selfishness in the eyes of hospital staff.  Who can blame them.  A logical but admitedly dysopian step for hospitals to implement would be mandatory vaccine passports for admission.  Screw these unvaccinated people who believe freedom means they have complete access to a hospital bed at the expense of someone else who is more responsible.

If you have been unfortunate enough to observe local school or county board meetings lately, you might have noticed some people seem to believe freedom of speech belongs only to those who can scream the loudest.  Depending on how well controlled the meeting is, it also seems that is not always an incorrect position.  If you are one of those  dip-shits utilizing this technique to futily argue that proven virus mitigation methods are liberty infriging or don’t work, just review what is going on in the nation’s school districts.  Those without masking mandates are reporting far more covid cases, symptomatic infections and quarantines than schools mandating masks.  The lesson is we should listen to health experts, not politicians or conspiracy theorists.

Man’s Impassioned Speach Inspires Neighbors to Secure Famlies and Homes

Such brave words that Henry gave breath
‘for me it is liberty or death’
how could he know
so long ago
there’d be this many people on meth

As part of his ongoing war to reshape history, Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson is about to achieve unparalleled stature as the most significant political figure of the modern era to insufferably waste everybody’s time.  When it was revealed six books written by Dr. Seuss would be discontinued over concerns about racial insensitivity, Johnson interpreted the decision to be the result of liberal cancel culture, ignoring the fact that it was a corporate decision  of conscience.  As a personal protest,  it has emerged that he will enlist the skills of two local area third graders to spend an entire day on the Senate floor reading all the published works of Dr. Seuss. 

The staged event follows Johnson’s day long recital of the entire stimulus bill being debated currently in the Senate.  When asked if there was any issue on the horizon that was important enough to prevent him from egregiousy abusing Senate rules, he mentioned he was looking into passing a law requiring all Mr. and Mrs. Potatoheads to be properly reintroduced as such and retrofitted with gender specific accouterments.