Category Archives: Politics

Congressional Republicans All On Board with Fresh Ideology

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Citing recent polling numbers and referencing their stunning ability to coalesce into a unified body of pusillanimous sycophants, congressional Republicans have decided to abandon past democratic  concepts like patriotism, honor, freedom and justice and move forward with what they consider to be the more progressively simple and pragmatic ideology of corruption.  When Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) was asked if he was concerned about labeling his entire political party with such a customarily  defamatory term, he responded by pointing out corruption is just what Republican polling numbers seem to indicate the country wants.  “Our president, if nothing else, is consistently corrupt.  You have to admire that, and we have taken notice how well he is received publicly.  We have decided it just makes sense to accept the will of the people and tell it like it is.  Our party appreciates all President Trump has done for the country, and if he dabbles here and there in corruption, well that’s certainly ok with us if it gets the job done.”

Senator Ron Johnson (R-WI) took exception to Senator Graham’s statement.  “I’m not sure “dabbling” in corruption is how I would describe it.  I mean the country hasn’t seen this kind of corruption since Harding and the Teapot Dome scandal.  Just look at all the cabinet members that have had to resign for improper conduct. You’ve got, Flynn, Price , Pruitt, Zenke, Shulkin, Acosta, I mean what more do you want.   Let’s face it.  The president, when it comes to corruption,  really knows how to pick the best.”

But Congressman Kevin McCarthy  (R-CA) was not sure that was fair to the president.  “Sure all those people resigned, but that doesn’t take into account all the graft going on in the cabinet right now.  There’s Wilber Ross who’s involved hand over fist with insider trading, and Mnuchin and Betsy DeVos are smothered in conflict of interest violations.  And how about Ben Carson?  Not only did he stiff the government for fancy office furniture, he managed to stuff his family’s pockets with department access. And I have to put in a good word for Mitch McConnell. Taking advantage of his wife’s cabinet position to bring federal bacon to his home state was a stroke of financial and political genius that just takes your breath away.  So, I think it’s important to see the whole picture.  Just sayin'”.

When Representative Matt Gaetz (R-FL) was asked if he had any qualms about the new direction of his party, he had this to say. ” Look, the people of this country aren’t stupid.  They know corruption when they see it.  It’s obvious that’s what they want, and by god the Republican party is perfectly positioned to give it to them.  But you should remember.  Corruption is not so much what you do for others.  It’s what you do for yourself. I mean you should be able to take a dip in the swamp too, right?   Look at what the president did just last month.  He doubled the rates at his Doral resort ahead of his visit to address the RNC. He’s always doing stuff like that- billeting military personnel at his resort, bilking the government with inflated charges for secret service protection at his hotels, using his office to get free publicity for his properties.   I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone more capable of spotting avaricious opportunity. It’s amazing.  Not only are his hotel room rates overpriced,  but it’s where all those foreigners like to stay just to make him happy, so he’s got to be overjoyed making all that dough and screwing foreigners at the same time.  The guy truly is a “stable genius” when it comes to corruption. America can count on this president, and trust me when I say Republicans in Congress are listening to your concerns about corruption. With the experience and help of our great president, you can rest assured we are doing everything possible to make sure we learn how to do it right.”

Senator John Barrasso (R-WY) said he has always been impressed with the resourfulness of Trump family members.   “I think it’s important people realize just how well the president takes care of his family.  How grateful they must be to have a father with such extensive experience with corruption.   Jared and Ivanka wasted little time taking advantage of the Oportunity Zone program and you sure don’t notice any tarriffs on anything Ivanka makes.  There are so many examples of nepotistic favoritism it’s really easy to forget all that this family has accomplished.  Right out of the gate there was the nepotism thing that saved his son in law from bankruptcy. Qatar buys Jared’s billion dollar Manhattan money-pit and the president tells the Arab states involved in a Qatar blockade to back off.  You gotta believe the president’s favorite movie is “The Godfather'” right?  Speaking of that, did the job search for a compliant AG pay off or what?  With Barr in the bag, you’ve got a commander- in-chief with the infallibility power of the pope.”

Senator Joni Ernst (R-IA) stressed the importance of party unity and she said she was looking forward to the next nine months. “Now that we are all on the same page with this corruption incentive, I think it’s safe to say we are poised to significantly change the course of the country.  Sure we have work to do.  There are still people out there that don’t believe it’s ok to direct a lawyer to pay $280,000 in hush money to cover up extramarital affairs, or influence the investigation of a presidential campaign, or invite foreign government interference in our elections, or ridicule a physically disabled person, to harass the chairman of the Federal Reserve or denigrate a war hero and Gold Star family, divert money from a charity fouindaion for personal use, and undermine basic democratic institutions like our jury systemn and inteligence departments.  I know some people just can’t let go of the idea the president is always lying, like when he reneged on campaign promises to release his tax returns and get Mexico to pay for a border wall, but that’s what regular people love about the guy.  Everyone knows lying and ignoring the truth are how he gets things done.  It can be crucial when you want to do something like make the planet we live on less livable. In time, all those people who consider his racist, mysogynitic, homophobic and religiously hypocritical comments and policies abhorrent will realize it’s just his way of getting the country on the right track. President Trump is the perfect man for our times.”

Senator Rick Scott (R-FL) said he has always been impressed by the president’s ability to distract attention from one egregious action with another. “He keeps America ahead of the curve with all the flummoxing.  It took people a little bit of time to accept all the corruption, but after awhile it just became normal. That is no small feat.  I mean even the members of congress were a little sceptical at first.  We didn’t think anything like the corruption dreamworld the president has pulled off was remotley possible.  Of course we are certainly grateful.  But think of all the possibilities now with an attorney general ready to sign off on any whim the president conjures up.  Who doesn’t want to get in on that!  You sure don’t want to tick him off now.  The country wants a leader who can create real change.  Our archaic laws and institutions are outdated.  Some of them are over 200 years old for Pete’s sake, and they just aren’t working out for our president.  How can you expect him to make America great again if he can’t do anything he wants!  The  Republican party has the right idea embracing corruption and can see the advantages of encouraging the president to keep moving forward with his unique vision of democracy. It’s improtant to  make sure our leader is equipped with the necessary tools to complete his utopia. The people now understand that when you are president of the United States,  you just can’t have people criticizing what you do. We won’t get anywhere doing that.   He knows what’s fair and who to lock up.  The way the president pulled off the acquittal over the Ukraine scandal was impressive you have to admit.  Lot’s of big time players involved in that loop, right?  You got a VP, a secretary of state, an attorney general, a secretary of energy. It just doesn’t get any better than that.  Move over Harding!  You might not get all of us to agree the president made a perfect phone call but I know we all agree it’s pretty close to perfect when you all stick together in the name of corruption.”

 

 

 

Trump Confident His Christian Values Will Inspire Others

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Fresh off the roaring success of his address to the attendees of the March for Life protest at the National Mall last month, it has emerged President Trump is exploring the possibility of expanding his outreach to any religiously affiliated group interested in receiving the enlightenment of his rich, moral conviction.  Presidential aides have recently contacted a number of Catholic organizations and evangelical leaders to gauge their interest in hearing the president speak about any of his deeply held spiritual beliefs.  Presidential aides are promoting a varied menu of topics to consider, like “The Sanctity of Marriage,” and “Do Unto Others- The Importance of Mutual Respect and Humility in Our Daily Lives.”

Spokesperson Kellyanne Conway mentioned a joint family venture is in the works.  “America is naturally interested in knowing more about the president’s well documented concern for the underprivileged  and the impact this admirable attribute has had on his children,” Ms. Conway stated.  She went on to mention Ivanka and Donald Jr. had just recently conferenced with a council of U.S. Catholic bishops and were very pleased with the enthusiastic response they received for a project they call “Giving Back: Tips on Conducting a Charitable Foundation.”

“Religious communities across the county have embraced President Trump because they all know what a righteous and caring person he is,” Ms. Conway explained. “His profound faith guides his every action and his grace is on display every day.  If people want an example of how to live a rewarding Christian life, look no further than the god-fearing man occupying the White House”.

Let’s Make a Deal

 

Holes in the Ground Causing Mass Confusion Among Congressional Republicans- Explosive Situation Fomenting

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As accumulating evidence keeps shattering President Trump’s arguments against impeachment  one after another, a mystifying phenomenon is becoming alarmingly apparent- congressional Republicans have somehow lost the ability to locate their asses.  Curiously, the anomaly is attributed to a somewhat bazaar reflexive response to seeing a hole in the ground.  “It’s just weird,” one reporter stated.  “Republicans exit a building and if they come across a hole in the ground, they just stand there all tensed up staring at it, often swirling a piece of paper in it for some reason.  I’ve never seen anything like it.”

When Democratic Congressman Adam Schiff saw Republican Devin Nunes locked in a  paralytic fixation with a hole in the ground, he said he did his best to reach out to him.  “I said Devin, quit staring at that hole in the ground.  That is not your ass!  Your ass is right behind you. Just reach around with your hands and you’ll find it. Deep down you know you can do this!” After several minutes of futile instruction, Schiff said he threw up his hands and went to lunch.

One reporter said he became so concerned about Lindsey Graham he gave serious consideration to calling emergency health services  “There was Lindsey, poking a stick in and out of a hole in the ground, and he wouldn’t even make the slightest attempt to find his ass.  Not only did he refuse to believe any of my information, he said the hole he was prodding with that stick was working out just fine, and to fuck off because he wasn’t about to listen to anything I had to say anyway.   Jesus I was only trying to be helpful.”

Longtime observers of Capital Hill affairs commented that the strange behavior is not at all unprecedented.  According to them however, what is unusual is that it has so completely overwhelmed one political party.  Many experienced people have expressed a fear that the resulting obstruction amongst so many Republicans not being able to distinguish their ass from a hole in the ground will precipitate an explosive situation.

“I don’t know about explosions,” said congressional record clerk Robert Noteman, “but I don’t advise lingering anywhere near a Republican caucus room right now.  It can really stink in there.”

NOTE:  Use of Metaphorical interpretive skills for this narrative, though advantageous, is not necessarily required.

And everyone, enjoy this holiday.  I know President Trump issued a stern warning that there are liberal subversives roaming about with nothing better to do than insist on changing the name of today’s holiday from Thanksgiving to…Actually I don’t know, and the president doesn’t know,  because typically enough Trump only told this blatant lie to stir up the people he was speaking to at a political rally.  But rest assured there is no problem here.  If you are one of Trump’s true believers, you know,  just as he did with Christmas, saving holidays is in his wheelhouse and seems to be a thing you should be thankful for.  And for the rest of us, we perfectly understand this man does not know his ass from a hole in the ground.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

 

 

 

House Republicans Storm Capital Building Restaurant In Support of Trump Colorado Border Wall

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Forty two Republican members of the House of Representatives stormed a Capital Building cafeteria this morning to demonstrate their unconditional loyalty to President Trump and show support for his controversial Colorado border wall initiative.  The congressmen positioned themselves at key locations to prevent service to members of the opposing party and spent five hours just milling about.

Asked why the group chose the dining facility for their demonstration, Louisiana Representative and House Whip Steve Scalise said they were all kind of hungry so it seemed like as good a place as any to stand around and waste time.

Speaking from a podium fashioned from a four gallon coffee dispenser in the beverage area, congressmen took turns voicing their concerns.

Iowa Representative Steve King, who has a solid reputation for being able to spot  illegal aliens by the size of their calves, said it was about time we walled in Colorado. “The whole state is nothing but a den of iniquity. You have all those migrating marijuana miscreants flowing out of that state and pretty soon they end up in Iowa.  The president is right on with this idea.  It’s about time.”

Florida Representative Matt Gaetz, whose reluctance  to share podium time appeared to annoy  his fellow congressmen, initially stated he was in agreement with congressman King, but did indicate he thought the Colorado border wall was better suited to keep people out of the state. “I love the idea of state border walls.  I think we should have one in Florida.  This is the kind of forward thinking our president is famous for.  Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! President Trump.”  Gaetz then went on a twenty minute tirade about a variety of issues, starting with a claim that the investigators involved in the recent U.S. State Department probe  that found nothing illegal about Hillary Clintons’ emails were paid off by George Soros, and ended with an accusation that California Representative Adam Schiff is an avid participant in various forms of bestiality.

After gradually elbowing congressman Gaetz aside, Ohio Representative Jim Jordan also dutifully praised President Trump for thinking outside the box, and transitioned that thought into what appeared to be a defense of imbeciles.  “You people think a Colorado border wall is a looney idea and  that someone with no comprehension of the geography of the country he has resided in his entire life is a fool.  Well guess what? You are the real fools.  Think about all the times a person  with a  disturbed mind goes out and says crazy things that turn out to be perfectly acceptable after people repeat those crazy things enough times.  Get over it.”

 

 

 

 

Fast Stepping Towards Autocracy

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Unfortunately making fun of the President of the United States occupies way too much of my free time- something I have an abundance of.  It’s just too easy.  Many of the things Trump does are frightfully alarming, but like many people I try to make the best of his conduct by joking about it.  But every once in awhile I reach a point of saturation and my collection barrel of satiric fodder becomes a bitter trough overflowing with bewilderment and anger.   If the revelations about Trump in just these past few weeks don’t start sounding alarm bells  in the Republican party and our population in general I fear for the future of our democracy.

As I have stated before, there are certainly more qualified people out there editorializing about the Trump administration. But with so much perplexity and corruption emanating from this administration the challenge  to stay abreast of it all is Herculean.    For your convenience, what follows is a synopsis, and related episodic history, of revelations about our president that have occurred in just the past couple of weeks that really, really piss me off or frankly scare the shit out of me.  In the interest of everyone’s time I won’t go into details.  Just Google if something is unfamiliar  to you.

  1. Topping the list is undermining national institutions, in this case “Sharpygate.” How something so petty could be so bothersome to Trump only shows how dangerous an out of control ego can become, and how detached from reality he seems to be.   For Trump, no mistake is too small  to disavow.  He has intimidated one body of the legislative branch into near impotence, has managed to install a subservient attorney general and  usurp much of the countervailing power of the judicial branch, attacked the press, intelligence departments and the Federal Reserve.  But questioning the National Weather Service?  Are you shitting me?  And then  threatening the department employees unless they back him up?  That both Wilbur Ross and Mick Mulvaney were involved in Trump appeasement demonstrates how intimidating life must be serving under this president. Inserting himself as chief administrator of the IRS would be a logical next step for Trump.   I would not be surprised if Trump thought it only fair that he did control the weather, as well as the rotation of the earth.
  2. Emoluments violations.  We have known this has been going on since he was elected.  But the discloser that the U.S. Air Force has been sending planes to an airport in Scotland that services his golf course in order to prop it up and then billeting air crews at that very golf   course is absolutely galling.  Oh wait.  I forgot about Doral.  Trump brazenly promoted that golf course in front of a national TV audience.  Give me a break.  Who can keep up with all the graft.  Both of these golf courses are losing money, so it would only make sense to a greed infested monarch to assume the taxpaying peasantry would be more than happy to subsidize his personal business ventures.
  3. Undermining national security. Where to start? Nevermind that he uses unsecured cell phones and Ivanka has used a person email account for WH business (lock her up!).  Trump’s recent tweet of a classified photo of the aftermath of the explosion at an Iranian space center is just one of a half dozen of national security leeks of his his own volition.  He was in office less than two months and he revealed classified intelligence to Russian diplomats.  Shortly after that, he bragged to Philipine strongman Duerte about the presence of  U.S. nuclear submarines off the coast of North Korea, stunning the Pentagon which has a policy to never discuss submarine locations.  After the subway bombing in London, Trump tweeted out information about Scotland Yard and was rebuked by the prime minister. But the new revelation that there was a secret exfiltration from Russia of a valuable American intelligence asset in 2017 because there were fears that Trump’s cavalier handling of intelligence information could lead to his exposure is startling.  Though I personally believe Trump has some financial involvement with Russia,  I don’t think there is anything overtly  treasonous  going on with the guy as related to national security. He is simply a bungling boob.
  4.  Which might explain why Trump actually believes a simple fix to the threat of hurricane destruction is to make it radioactive. Trump has no clue when it comes to understanding the workings of the natural world.  His environmental policies are tragically counter intuitive.     With Flint  and Newark problems fresh in the news you would think he would at least put his roll back of clean water protections on hold.  And now he’s dicking around with  tailpipe regulations that not only make sense for environmental reasons, but rolling them back will give car manufactures mind-bending migraines.

It is a logical assumption that if President Obama ever did just one of the crazy things Trump has done the Republicans would be screaming for impeachment.  Trump gets a pass from supporters apparently because he is an “outsider” who is adjusting to the office and/or has a different approach to governmental affairs.  It’s been three years.  By now we should all realize what Trump has learned while in office is how to take advantage it.  It is often wondered if  his head scratching antics have some grand strategy.  Critics who seem to know him best think not, and I believe those people are correct. He has no strategy.  His decisions are generally impulsive, his policies scattered and incoherent.  Donald Trump deals with life in only two ways- for self promotion or self protection.  Republicans in congress need to show some balls and pump the brakes on this maniac.

Son of a Bitch!  Just when I thought I was ready to publish and had things tidied up for us, guess what? Along comes another WH scandal.  You knew that would happen, right?  Add this one  to category 3. Wait.  I’m hearing this might be bribery or extortion.  Gotta hand it to Trump.  He’s certainly not afraid to try something new.  The story so far is Trump made a secret “promise” of some sort during a phone call to a foreign leader that prompted a whistleblower to rat it out, and of course details of the episode are being suppressed by the justice department.  WTF?  And House Democrats! WTF was up with your pathetic Lewandowski interview?  That slime ball has no executive privilege protection.  You should have thrown the asshole in jail!.  God damn it!  Congress has got to hold this administration accountable to the laws of the land. I need a nap.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

President Trump Defies Presidential Order

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Citing an ambiguous 1977 economic emergency act, President Trump issued an edict   demanding U.S. companies move out of China and urged them to return to the United States. “We don’t need China, and we’re  far better off without them,” the president tweeted.    When asked how quickly he thought he could move his Chinese golf cap, neck tie and travel mug manufacturing back to the United States, the president disdainfully replied, “The president can just kiss my ass.  The president of the United States can not tell the president of the United States what to do.  You can’t just pull out of country on a whim. There’s equipment to move, arrangement have to be made for raw materials, and with Chinese  labor I make much more money than I can employing American workers, believe me.  The president should know this demand  is something that the president should never realistically be expected to obey.”

President Trump perceptively pointed out that regardless he was sure that there was  some other obscure law he could enforce that would prohibit him from going to all that trouble.

 

 

 

 

Trump Fed Up with Freeloading Animals

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Leaving no stone unturned in his quest to make America great again, President Trump has announced he is taking a hard look at the animals listed in the Endangered Species Act.  In a brief conversation with reporters from the grounds of his New Jersey golf course, the president indicated that it was time to stop coddling so many members of the animal kingdom.   “We have to do something,” the president said.  “You look around and you see all these wild animals holding up progress and squatting on land that has precious oil reserves. What do they do for us?   There aren’t many wild animals contributing anything to this country, believe me.”

When one reporter challenged his interpretation of progress and contribution, the president was quick to point out that in many places there aren’t many wild animals around anymore anyway.  “Look at wolves.  They’re disappearing.  It’s like they’ve given up.  There are winners and losers.  What would you rather have anyway-  a hand-full of slimy otters or a mile long train-load of  beautiful, clean coal.  Beavers haven’t given us anything  since felted hats. And let’s say you’re building a big, beautiful golf corse and then all of a sudden you can’t complete the 36th fairway because of some stupid eagle’s nest.  Give me a break!”

EPA Administrator Andrew Wheeler defended the president’s position.  He bluntly stated that  animals just are not pulling their weight.  “Wild animals are becoming a nuisance.  It only makes sense to establish something like the ‘public charge’ standards that we’re doing with immigration.  We let these wild animals roam around, a lot of them going into places they’re not wanted, eating our nuts and berries, even vandalizing property and dumping over garbage cans.  Pretty ungrateful if you ask me.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who Killed Epstein

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Does this piss you off or what?  So many of the rich and famous must be feeling they indeed  live a charmed life.  I’m not a big conspiracy theorist.  Looks to me like this is just a total clusterfuck by the personnel at this prison.  But if you are one of those who just can’t imagine this as anything but a murder conspiracy, right now the two front-runners in the conspiracy sweepstakes apparently are  Presidents Trump and Clinton.  Seems about right- two powerful men who had connections with Epstein, who both have documented instances of seamy sexual behavior and are at the opposite ends of the political spectrum.  The whole thing gets even more disturbing when you consider we have a sitting president reprehensibly involved in spreading a conspiracy theory about a predecessor.  Of course that would not be the first time he’s done that.

I don’t know about Clinton, but honestly I would  have to rule out Trump if I were on the conspiracy bandwagon.  I mean get real.  What thug in his right mind is going to do the dirty work for Trump when he knows damn well he’ll never get paid.

 

Nation Relieved to Find Out President Trump Is Not a Racist

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With what is being described as one of his finest tweets, President Trump assured the American public that he is definitely not a racist.  “This should finally put an end to the vicious attacks the fake news media  has relentlessly subjected the president to,” declared presidential spokesperson Kellyanne Conway.

The controversy came to a head when, in a previous, marginally received tweet, the leader of the free world suggested that four congresswomen, who happen to live with an amount of melanin that is confusing to him, go back to where they came from.

The president deftly tamped down the firestorm with the subsequent, highly celebrated tweet, in which he unaquivaclay stated he did not have a racist bone in his body. ” If that doesn’t clear things up I don’t know what will”, said Lindsey Graham.  “The country knows the president is a man you can take at his word.”

America is always re-assured by President Trump’s calming words and trustworthiness

Man is Super Excited to Lead “Lock Her Up” Chant During Upcoming July 4th Celebration at the National Mall

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Alabama native Herb Grunk says he can’t wait to attend President Trump’s “Salute to America” 4th of July Celebration in DC next month.  ” I just hope he brings up Hillary’s e-mails right quick.  That’s always a crowd pleaser,” Grunk said.  He seemed  confident breaking out the usual boisterous calls to incarcerate the former Secretary of State as well as  espousing deafening declarations concerning the suction proclivity of both CNN and AOC would provide a nice supplemental form of entertainment to the more traditional pyrotechnics.   Lady Liberty may never be more confused.

So set aside your sparklers and bottle rockets everyone.  Its time for pitchforks and torches, as frequent MAGA rally attendee and former sheriff David Clarke is fond of saying.  This will be a different kind of 4th of July.  But then, presently  this is a different kind of America.

Politicizing Independence Day did not work out so well the one other time it was tried.  Crowd enthusiasm for President Nixon’s 4th of July “Honor America Day” in 1970, was inconveniently dampened by irritating clouds of  of police tear gas.  History does have a way of repeating itself.