Category Archives: Uncategorized

A Year Too Late

 WOW!  You have to be impressed with this “MeToo” movement.   By the end of every day now  you can count on a new guy headlining the sexual misconduct list.  Keep it going girls.  This is long overdue.  In the way of full disclosure, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to any female anywhere whom I might have offended in any way at any point in time. And to all my fellow guys out there, it would behoove you also to get out ahead of this.  You know damn well you don’t remember half the stuff you did when you were shit-faced back in college.  And what about that ex girlfriend that still hates your guts?  These ladies mean business, so count on sweating it out at the very least, and if you’re going to be an asshole about this you are totally screwed.

I got to thinking about all the gender righteousness swirling about, and besides once again stating it’s about time, there are a couple of other things that I think need to be addressed.  Men are pigs, no doubt about it.  But still, all pigs are not created equal.  I was relieved to hear several females, newscasters like Stephanie Ruhle and political professionals like Stephanie Cutter come to our defense at least in a small way and underline the fact that you can’t throw every offensive man into one extremely large bucket.  There are different levels of shitty behavior and each case should be judged separately.  But just what is the line that defines that which is totally inexcusable?  Keep in mind I am talking about the past.  I am hopeful what is taking place presently in the gender domaine of our social structure will not be just another futile surge, like citizenry gun control entreats that flame out within a few weeks after every god damned mass shooting we have in this country.  I think we really are at a watershed moment where women are mad as hell and are not going to take it anymore.  My guess is that from now on there will be, as should be, a very high bar expected of my fellow man-boars.

But what about the past?  How do you grade our past bad behavior?  What is the line that absolutely should not be crossed?  It’s a question raised even by the educated ladies commentating in the media.  Fortunately for you I think I can be of assistance here, and the tool I utilize is one that is universally considered nearly infallible- math.  It has suddenly become fairly well established that when push comes to shove, believe the woman not the man when charges of sexual misconduct are involved.  And as the number of females increases in corroboration, the stronger their case.  With that in mind I have come up with this handy “scale of fuckedness.”

Point one.  Only one female plaintiff.  Sorry ladies but this is still classic he said/she said.  I believe you.  The guy just plain looks shifty. But there are simply not enough numbers to back you up.  Blame the math.

Point two.  Two female plaintiffs.  OK.  the gals have something here.  This is enough to consider the defendant guilty.  But still.  It’s not enough to label  him totally repugnant.  Of course the charge must be considered also.  Pedophilia would be a deal breaker here.  I would have to throw in beastiality too.  Geezuz what’s wrong with this guy.

Point three.  Three female plaintiffs.  This guy is pushing the envelope. Likewise he has likely  been pushing himself up against a number of young ladies who do not appreciate it.  He could stand some counseling.  Starting to migrate into Creepyville here.

Point four.  Four female plaintiffs.  You got this guy by the balls, and not in a way he is usually dreaming about.   He deserves all the dick-deflating repercussions that come his way.  Take him for all he’s worth ladies.

Point five.  Five female plaintiffs.  Are you kidding me?  This has  deviant predatory behavior stamped all over it.  What I suggest here is breaking out an updated scarlet letter.   What must adorn this guy whenever he is out and about in public is a shirt which has inscribed upon it a huge letter “P” -for perv.  Make that a hair-shirt.

Point six.  Six female plaintiffs.  I don’t know what to say.  Honest to god my entire gender apologizes for this. This guy is total pond scum. House arrest should definitely be considered.

Point seven.  WTF!  This needs to go no further.  Anything over six- LOCK HIM UP!! This piece of shit should have his testicles revoked.  You can bet for every charge on record  there are a couple that go unreported. It’s time to step up now gals.  Strike while the iron’s hot.  It’s his crushed nuts on your ice cream.  

So there you have it.  Graph this out and as you will see that point where a man crosses over into definable despicable behavior is around the 2.8 point.   You do know how to plot an “L” graph I hope?  Geezuz Kreist it’s not that hard.  Just draw a big “L” and label the two lines.  Trust me it will all come into focus.  And keep in mind this criteria is for for past behavior.  What is on the horizon is zero tolerance.  Guys, in the future plan on getting totally fucked if you are anywhere close to crossing this pre- “MeToo” demarcation..  And by fucked I mean that literally- by your psychotic 270 pound cell mate.

Which somehow brings me to a second thought I have.  Where in the hell was all this contemptuous gyno-energy during the presidential campaign?   I’ll admit I can’t figure out women, but I will never understand how a man exhibiting this type of aberrant behavior and running for president of the United States failed to light the fire.  Sadly it seems if Harvey Weinstein just would have been ratted out in the summer of 2016, there would have been a far different presidential outcome and the country would be significantly better off for it.

Which brings me to my third thought.  Actually it is more a suggestion.  I think this movement needs some internal housekeeping, a cleansing within your own ranks.  Please go find that woman wearing the “Trump can grab my pussy” tee.  She needs some serious counseling from your organization.

SHARE IF YOU DARE!

 

Another Elitist Deluge Threatens to Overflow the Swamp

Geezus this pisses me off.  Our lying POTUS (Particularly Offensive Turd Under Suspicion) is out there unabashedly protecting the interests of shifty corporate profiteers at the expense of the working class.  Last week there was this- Invasion of the Swamp People  Treasury Secretary Mnuchin is covered in bog slime.  He personally destroyed the lives of thousands with his ruthless and often illegal foreclosure practices when he was CEO of One West Bank.  Old news I know.  As is the conduct of EPA director Scott Pruitt. It would be comforting to know the administration is looking out for our general health and safety, but what takes priority time after time is corporate profits. Goodby clean air and water. With his intent to replace the advice of scientists in his department with that of his oil and gas cronies, kiss the EPA goodby as well.

Trump wasn’t kidding when he said he would surround himself with the very best advisors, if your idea of best is being the best at promoting self interest.   It’s true he has not been able to get a single piece of major legislation through congress, but while the president  distracts with sophomoric tweets and petty, purposeless diatribes, those very best advisors are sure getting shit done- during the darkness of the night.  It isn’t until we see a media report later that a clear understand of the devious nature of this administration once again hits us right in the face.  The burning question that looms larger every day is how long will his political base put up with gleefully taking it straight up the ass?

 

TRUMP CASBINET MEETING OVER COCKTAILS

TYPICAL AMERICAN HANG-OUT

BREAKING NEWS!  And speaking of hiring the best, how about that Manafort guy?  When POTUS tax returns are unveiled there’s a good chance we’ll see just how good the indicted fella was at advising Trump how to launder his own money.

 

 

Local Resident Says Country On Right Track

Bouyed by President Trump’s recent assertion that he is solely responsible for the bullish stock market  and that somehow Wall Street gains are reducing the national debt, local unemployed resident Mike Blade says he feels confident the president knows what he is doing.  “That’s why I voted for him,” Mike stated. “He knows business and now that all that debt is under control you’ll be seeing me and lots of other folks around here getting a leg up on things,  you can bet on that.”

Mike Blade

Asked if he owned any stocks that have helped him get his leg up personally, Mike indignantly replied “Stocks are how those rich c**k s*****s on Wall Street get even richer. Those dirty b******s do nothin’ but f**k the rest of us over.”  Since the president’s remark about the stock market was an obvious  boast that his economic policies have benefited the  privileged rather than the poor and disadvantaged, Mr. Blade was asked if he was struck by the irony of his comment.   He responded by prattling on about the safety regulations of iron ore mining.  In his defense, he seemed confused by the word “irony.”

This reporter did attempt to inform Mr. Blade that the national debt has not changed much and the stock market has nothing to do with reducing it, but he became a little incensed and said “That’s b**l s**t.  You don’t know business like President Trump, and besides that Fox news fella Sean Hannity even backed him up.  So go f**k yourself.”

 

 

Where Are You Howard Baker (R-Tennessee)?

You guys know something about Watergate, right?  At the very least the word conjures up an association of President Nixon with unlawful activity.  As every day of the tumultuous Trump presidency passes the word seems to be mentioned more and more frequently, with attached comparisons between the Nixon and Trump administrations.  And in most of the cases you can argue that such a comparison requires a leap of faith to some degree.  But the firing of James Comey is hard to disassociate from that logic.  When President Nixon fired Archibald Cox, the prosecutor investigating the 1972 presidential election, it was viewed by almost everyone as an unethical act performed by a desperate man. The whole Comey affair brings to mind the old adage “Those who don’t know history are destined to repeat it.”

In the summer of 1973 the Senate Watergate Hearings were in full swing.  I have a vivid recollection of many of the prominent figures that were involved in testifying, like White House counsel John Dean, and Alexander Butterfield. The judicial committee was composed of men we so long for today, a bipartisan group of principled, ethical people- Chairman Sam Ervin, Senators Lowell Weicker, Daniel Inouye and Howard Baker.  My question does not evolve around a similarity between these two administrations, but a difference.  What the fuck is with all the classified material going on now?

During that summer of 1973 my wife and I took a very long road trip.  It is difficult for most to comprehend when I tell the story, but seven of us packed ourselves into my father-in-law’s station wagon, an Oldsmobile Vista Cruiser, and drove from Wesley Iowa,  my wife’s home town in the northern part of the state, to Arizona, and back.  Besides my wife and I, members of that brave group were my wife’s family- her mother and father and three siblings.  It was a fantastic trip, remarkable for many reasons, of course one of which would be how we made it back to Wesley without purposely leaving someone behind.  We saw some of our country’s most beautiful scenery- the Grand Canyon, the Arizona desert, Teton and Yellowstone National Parks, the Black Hills and Mt. Rushmore, and the Bighorn mountains, where I spent many weekends of my youth.

We were so overwhelmed with excitement to start out we gave up on sleeping overnight in Wesley and took off at 10pm in the evening,  took turns driving, and drove 22 straight hours to Albuquerque NM.  The next day we arrived in Flagstaff AZ, the primary destination point of our trip, to visit my wife’s older brother.  After two days there, we were off again, and the length of each day of travel became shorter and shorter.  That was because there were those Watergate hearings, and all of us, especially my father-in-law, became mesmerized by the proceedings.  It was late July, and we just happened to be traveling during the sweet spot of the televised coverage- six days of continuous, riveting witness to history. We had to stop early enough and fire up a television set so we could catch up on the day’s events.

In 1973  the Democrats controlled the Senate, but they needed Republican support to move forward with the investigation of a Republican president. By that point in time there were several Republican senators who realized the right thing to do was put country before party and get to the bottom of Nixon’s malfeasance.  Republican and Democrat senators on that judiciary committee pounded away, and never once do I remember the term “classified material” ever coming up.

That I know of, the official investigation of Nixon was conducted by the Watergate Senate Judicial Committee, and that was it.  There were not multiple investigations, like there are now with Trump.  I don’t recall the word “classified” coming up at all during the  Watergate hearings.  We had a responsible senate that decided enough was enough and bore down on the problem, citing evidence and hearing testimony that was evidently not considered classified, or it was declassified at the time of the proceedings.  All ducks were apparently in an orderly row.

Representative Government at Work During Watergate Hearings

I can’t say that I understand all the legal and technical details of what it takes to initiate a judicial investigation like Watergate.  Maybe changes in procedure have occurred since then.  Maybe involved investigative parties do not want to move forward until everything pertinent  is researched and documented.  I know that during the televised hearings that I have seen this month every time it appears there might be some significant revelation, the word “classified” comes up and then again I wonder where and when will the information be handed off to someone who can unveil its mysteries.  Another thing  I know is there is definitely something wrong that needs a full investigation. President Trump is hiding something, and his entire posture smacks of obstruction.  It’s time to get all this classified material corralled and investigated by one dedicated body, and since the Republicans seem to be intensely afraid of President Trump’s unhinged, retaliatory nature it is apparent we need independent inquiry.

President Trump at Work with Governmental Machinery

My personal feeling is there will be little in the way of anything subversive at the end of a competent investigation.  I think what it will show is something President Trump is afraid of more than anything- fear of looking like an incompetent loser.  His tax returns simply have to become publicly available.  There lies the answers to most of the questions.  I think what will be revealed is documented proof that Trump is a shifty, but very poor businessman who might possibly have been bailed out by a shady Russian loan.

The Republicans must quit acting like ass-kissing sycophants and do what is right.  They are supposed to be working for us and the majority of us want to know if the Trump campaign was involved in illegal activity, and to what degree Russia was involved.  Regardless of the outcome we deserve to to know one way or the other if what transpired during the 2016 election is the kind of thing our founding fathers feared most- foreign interference in our democracy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Where’s Bill?

Once again I find myself in Bill O’Reilly land.  My mother had a heart attack and I am in St. George Utah helping her out while she is in rehab.  She will be 98 next month and is remarkably adaptable.  The woman barely weighs 100 pounds, but a total hip replacement two years ago was merely a small setback.  As I am observing the progress of her cardiac rehab I suspect she doesn’t know what all the fuss is about, and considers the whole thing to be a mild inconvenience at the very worst, only because she now has to wait a week to get her hair shampooed and styled.

But what the heck is going on with Bill O”Reilly?  I know he is involved in that sexual misconduct scandal, but geezuz I though the president pardoned him.   After all, President Trump believes Bill to be a genuinely good person and did nothing wrong and publicly asserted the point.  The president has to now feel he is really getting somewhere with his pussygrabbing agenda.  Couple that with his “I’m going to bomb the shit out of em” policy he has to be giddy with a sense of accomplishment. Never mind he seemed to have misplaced an entire carrier strike group that’s roaming around somewhere in the Pacific Ocean.

If you visited St. George previous to this week, what you saw in the early evening on every television set in the city was this:

          

Typically Bill follows you around wherever you are in St. George.  In order of above TV screen shots left to right, here is Bill two months ago on my hotel lobby TV, on my mother’s TV, on my mother’s living center TV, on the TV of the bar I went to to get away from Bill, and son of a bitch there he was on my fucking cell phone!

This week what you see at the same time slot on Fox News is this:

            

I can see why Bill likes his job. But speaking as an unwitting observer of the television viewing habits of the residents of St George, it appears Fox New is getting along just fine without Bill.  My mother, who admittedly might not have an exact understanding of all the indelicacies of Bills discretions, put it this way, “I don’t understand the attraction.”  Hopefully 13 million in law suits and losing a very lucrative but overhyped job will help Bill realize he’s not the big attraction he thinks he is.

 

FYI: Jackie Paper Will Spend Rest of His Days Behind Bars

My wife recently attended the National Art Education Association Conference in NY City.  Like me, she is retired.  Unlike me, she enjoys staying involved in her profession.  There are a number of pharmacy related conferences here and there that if I wished I could attend as a retired pharmacist.  Doesn’t interest me in the least.  My wife really has fun during her sojourns though.  She finds the speakers entertaining and topics educational.  She visits art museums and so forth, and usually has a small group of fellow teachers to commiserate with while touring and dining.  I heard from a reliable source that during this recent  trip my wife and her friends liked to frequent a particular restaurant for its “attentive service,”  provided by some steroid sculptured guy by the name of  Adrian. If I find out he was passing out anything other than free tiramisu I will be making a special trip to NY myself.

When she got home my wife showed me the pictures she took on her i-phone and we had various discussions about her trip- her shitty airline experiences, the NY cuisine she sampled, the art museums, and- Peter Yarrow.  No shit.  He was headlining in her hotel ballroom I guess.  You remember Peter Yarrow.  Peter, Paul and Mary.  Geezuz I wonder how old that guy is?  I know Mary is dead.  Not sure about Paul.  Anyway Peter sang all the hits- ‘Blowin’ in the Wind,’ ‘If I had a Hammer,’ ‘Puff the Magic Dragon.’ etc.

Peter, Paul and Mary (In this photo, L  to R, Peter, Mary and Paul, although it could be Paul, Mary and Peter.  I’m forever getting those two guys mixed up)

I always wondered what happened to little Jackie Paper.  He kind of shit on his dragon friend Puff, just discarded his friendship like a self-centered, rebellious teen sometime does.  I’m not sure I believe it, but I’ll take Peter’s word that Puff is still alive.   However as with Paul, I began to wonder if Jackie Paper was still living.  My wife kind of had her head up her ass and didn’t think to ask Peter, but in her defense, once she heard the story of Puff and Jackie again she got terribly upset and left the premises in tears.

I could never find out how to get ahold of Peter Yarrow myself, but I have some pretty good sources I use to do personal research, a couple of which have that new microwave surveillance technology.   ‘Somebody’ and ‘Heard Around’ are two of my favorites, as well as Rightbart.   Well you won’t believe it but I found out that little prick Jackie just up and  ran away from home and really got into trouble.  Broke his parent’s hearts.  It’s not like he bolted from an abusive environment or anything.  His parents, Doris and Harvey Paper, managed a very successful real estate business and gave the spoiled brat anything he wanted.  Christ how many kids have a fucking pet dragon?

Doris, Jackie, and Harvey in Happier Times

The story is Jackie hated his parents even as a young boy. No one really knows why. He started hatching a plot to kill them, and desperately tried to enlist the services of Puff. His thought was since Puff was a dragon he must have fire breathing capability so he could easily torch his parents house and either burn them alive or at least help destroy evidence after the heinous deed was done. When Puff informed Jackie that the fire breathing gene was absent in his species, he became enraged and, at the age of 16, that’s when he left home.

Jackie wandered the streets for a couple of years before joining the Klan and a motorcycle gang and then spent five years in jail for armed robbery.  When he got out, he embarked on a really bad acid trip that initiated a series of psychotic episodes involving childhood flashbacks.  Evidently at some point the bad chemicals surging through his brain triggered hallucinogenic instructions to go finish what was yet undone, so he traveled back to his childhood home, murdered his aged parents, and set their house on fire.  He is presently in prison serving a life sentence for first degree murder and arson.

1984 Photo of Jackie Paper

Though Peter Yarrow still features the song ‘Puff the Magic Dragon’ in most of his concerts, I found out during my research that if you ever press him about anything related to Jackie Paper’s personal life he will immediately walk away without comment.  I thought you’d like to know.

Mistakes

I can’t remember where I read this- on the internet or a magazine I get- but the chief exec of UBS  recently unabashedly told his bankers it was perfectly fine to make mistakes, as long as they are honest mistakes.  WTF!  I can’t remember the guy’s last name, but his first name is Sergio I am pretty sure.  At first my brain glossed over the comment, but later on I started to process what was said and I did some research and then got really steamed. The reason it took awhile to get ginned up was because I’m not too good with acronyms and capital letters that really don’t spell anything, but I recalled seeing the word “bankers” and that is what finally stoked my anger and I started to snoop around.

Turns out UBS sort of stands for Union Bank of Switzerland.  They dropped the name Union Bank of Switzerland after a long series of mergers with a variety of investment and banking firms, and there were a number of these acquisitions that ended up being big mistakes.  Driving these mistakes was greed, graft, and deception and it all went on for awhile because the dirty bastards involved knew they could get by with all the mischief because they knew no one was was paying attention, that is until it all imploded during the subprime mortgage crisis.  The tally for the mistake was a 50 billion dollar loss and a loss of 12 thousand jobs.  That’s a lot of money and careless attention to detail, a true clusterfuck of a mistake, and of course UBS got in line for TARP money.  There is another one of those acronyms I can’t remember.  It basically means “bailout'” but if you feel it’s important to you to know its exact meaning look it up yourself.

I’m no international traveler, but I believe the Banks of Switzerland are the  preferred travel destination for all the money the drug cartels need laundered, as well as all that dough over- paid CEO’s want to conceal from the IRS.  Are we stupid or what?  That just double pisses me off.

Rescue Vehicle for Swiss Skiers

Rescue Vehicle for Swiss Skiers

 Rescue vehicle for Swiss Investment Bank


Rescue vehicle for Swiss Investment Banks

Sure we all make mistakes.  It’s nice when my wife forgives me for not putting my dirty glass in the dishwasher or leaving the toilet seat up.  In my defense, because of  the heavy concentration of scotch my glass contained I felt it was pretty well a self-cleaning situation that a 160 degrees of dishwasher water couldn’t improve upon.  There is no excuse for the toilet seat though, now that we have one that is self-lowereing.  That was a Christmas present from my daughter-in-law, which seems to speak to the fact that this is an important issue for the women in my family.

Yes I suppose some mistakes can, and should be forgiven.  But there are degrees of mistakes and the more blatantly careless and thoughtless are less forgivable.  What makes this Sergio guy’s philosophy so egregious is not only is he saying it’s ok to make a mistake, but to me for someone in his position to say that is like saying “whoops my bad” to a world-wide economic crisis his company contributed to, and also inferring that maybe the rest of us should be prepared for another to come our way.  It’s perfectly normal in his world to slip up and fuck the rest of us over, and he is prepared to promote any employee of his that comes up with the best idea to give us a sore asshole.   And of course we should all be forgiving of any pain so endured.   It’s just galling that this guy not only says such a thing, but he says it publicly for the whole world to hear.   Geezuz that pisses me off.

People are not too forgiving of a surgeon who removes the wrong limb of a patient.  It’s hard to forgive military personnel responsible for bombing a hospital staffed by Doctor’s without Borders.  Usually mistakes like that will get you fired or sued, or both. Maybe even a jail sentence.  But not always.  In fact hardly ever in the financial sector.  What the shifty scum bags in this profession have mysteriously been able to do is to take that one adage “We learn from our mistakes” and flip it on it’s head.   What they learn from their mistakes is what they can’t get by with, and then apply that knowledge to help them decide how to get by with their next mistake.   And the rest of us seem to be helpless to stop it.

I’m not so sure we really get smarter with age.  I think for most of us there’s just less stuff left that we haven’t screwed up yet.  We really should wise up to these pompous dicks running gigantic financial institutions though.  Believe me there are plenty of Sergio’s out there drawing up plans for their next mistake.  Vote for Bernie.  He’ll straighten those greedy bastards out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pickeling

You know what I think is a really good idea?  Home pickling.  Until recently I  had never given it much thought.  But I ran across a little article about pickling in my AARP Magazine.  I think it was last month’s issue, but I can’t say that for sure.  Sometimes our mail and magazines tend to pile up on our dinning room table.  I try and make it a point to move the newer stuff towards the bottom of the stack, so I have a shot at reading things in chronological order.  I used to be  pretty good at this sort of thing.  “Stock rotation” is what we called it back in the day I was actually working in a pharmacy.  It has always been an important part  of pharmacy protocol.  As you might suspect, management tends to frown on a $1,200.00 expired drug loss incurred because someone simply forgot to place a new bottle of medication in back of the old.  In general It’s a good idea to pay attention to all aspects of pharmacy stock control.

Example of Poor Stock Control

Example of Poor Pharmacy Stock Control

Anyway, now I am thinking I might start doing some pickling, because I really like pickles.  I have a bad habit of snacking late at night, and am constantly in search of something tasty that won’t contribute to my slowly expanding waistline that is mostly the result of my slowly expanding role as resident sofa spud.  The neat thing about pickles is they are like a crunchy solid wrapped around a refreshing liquid.  And the real clincher is your basic dill spear provides you with zero calories.  Nutritionally I am not sure what other benefits they provide, but I could give a shit.  It’s my late night snack, not my post work-out replenishment.  And they’re so versatile.  You can layer on a narrow slice of American cheese, and top it off with some cream cheese and then wrap a piece of bacon around the whole thing.  That’s the best way I’ve found to keep things from shifting around.  Then you don’t have to mess around using a toothpick to hold all the stuff in place.  I never know what to do with those damn tooth picks.  Sometimes when I’m at a party at someone else house I just drop them on the floor when no one is looking.  So remember.  With zero calories, a pickle just might be the thing for you next time you’re in a low-cal snacking mood.  I have a feeling I’m on to something here.  I’m pretty pumped.  I guess you can pickle almost anything.  At least that’s what my neighbor says.  He’s been doing it for quite awhile.  He even gave me some snapshots of some stuff he’s done.  I thought I’d share them with you here.  I’m not sure if I will ever be as good at pickling as my neighbor is though.


asian style pickles in kep market cambodiaUnknown-1Unknown

Above-PORTENT OF PICKLING POSSIBILITIES

I hate plunging blindly into anything new.  I have those pickling instructions in my AARP article, but come on.  Who knows how old and senile the author is.  Whoever it is probably forgot a step or two.   I usually try and consult with an expert if I can before moving forward in these situations.   For my pickling experience, I know I have the perfect advisor.  It’s my sister-in-law Kim.  She keeps bragging on how much she pickles, so I intend to find out if she’s full of shit, like her husband is.  But Kim strikes me as a helpful, sincere person.  Take the Dave Matthews concert we were at in DesMoines a few weeks ago.  At intermission she was sitting in a women’s rest room stall minding her own business when a guy started urinating on her foot.  I don’t know how the guy even got into the women’s rest room, but there he was, in the stall next to Kim, urinating on her foot.  I suppose he worked himself into a bladder clenching frenzy and didn’t think he could wait for his conventionalI  turn at a mens urinal, so he barged in with his girl friend in desperation.   In his defense, rest room lines during intermission at a Dave Matthews concert can be a real shit-storm.  But apparently the situation was so desperate the guy couldn’t wait for his girl friend to get off the toilet, so he thought the drainage grate he spotted on the floor would do in a pinch.  Naturally the stream of  urine ricocheted off of the floor grate, under the stall partition,  and onto Kim’s foot.  No one would make that kind of shit up, right?  At first Kim was incensed.  The guy bolted out of the stall, and Kim did likewise, with the intension of giving the culprit a bitch slapping piece of her mind.  She even had her cell phone ready and took a quick picture of the guy so she could show it to authorities.   I downloaded it here Spooky Clown Holding a Bloody Knifeso you could see what the guy looks like in case you ever run into him at a concert you are attending.  But it only took a quick glance at the perpetrator for her to reanalyze her strategy.  She seemed to think she could live with a little urine on her foot, but not so sure she would survive a couple of the things this particular concert attendee said he had in mind for her.  In the end Kim came to the conclusion he was just your average guy out there having a little fun. That’s what I like about Kim.   She’s just one of those people that can’t help being nice.  It’s that kind of thoughtfulness and quick thinking that makes me feel pretty confident she can help me with my pickles.

So my wife bought me some mason jars and next time we make a trip to Kim’s I’m taking them along and will have her show me what to do.  By then I’m pretty sure she would have showered up enough I won’t have any big health concerns.

 

 

 

Audacitygate

Wait a minute!  Did you see this?  I just read on the ESPN website that we can’t use the phrases “Do your job” or “We are all patriots.”  The New England Patriots own them, and the rest of us are just shit out of luck, maybe even going to get slapped with a fine, if we use these words.  I think that’s the message anyway.  The article said owner Robert Kraft and the Patriots have trademarked both of these phrases, even had them stamped on their Super Bowl rings.  I’m no lawyer, but isn’t a trademark a legal presumption of ownership?   To me that means we can’t go around carelessly using those words.  That seems rather ballsy of the Patriot’s organization if you ask me.  Cripes these guys seem to be going out of their way to piss everyone off.  Spygate, Inflategate, and now this.  What is wrong with these people.  I guess I can see how they might get all ginned up about that patriots phrase.  The word patriots is right in there, and after all that’s what they call themselves.  But god damn it, any red blooded US citizen should be a patriot, and if you are not then just get the hell out of this country.  We don’t need you.  The New England Patriots are not the only patriots out there.  We should all be, and we all ought to be able to proclaim it.  And for Pete’s sake I don’t want any Muslims going ape shit on me about all this.  Don’t start reading anything into this that isn’t there.  Don’t be so damn sensitive.  I know very well you’re just as patriotic as anyone else.  Well almost.  Maybe all those fellas that have an arsenal of guns and ammo stored in their house have something to say about that.  I certainly don’t want to piss any of you guys off either.  Maybe you are just a smidgen more patriotic.  You seem way better equipped to go to war them I am, I’ll give you that.  Ok, we’re all square then?

But “Do your job”?  Holy Hosanna I’m glad I’m retired.  I said that all the time while I was  working.  You should have seen some of the dip shits I had to deal with.  The potted plants customers dropped off as an appreciative Christmas gift got more work done than some of

Unknown                                  Blond secretary applying lipstick

PRODUCTIVE                                                          MARGINALLY PRODUCTIVE

them.  If I had to pay a fine every time I said or wrote “Do your job”, I’d still be working just to pay off all the fines.  Do you suppose consistent violators will get jail time?  Of course I guess the only way you’ll get caught is if a New England Patriot is hanging around your place.  But still.  You better be careful. It would be just like Belichick to ferret out offenders with an army of roaming snitches.  He was commanding officer during Spygate after all.

The whole thing just seems bazaar to me.  Can you really trademark a language?  I’m going to start checking into this, I’ll tell you that.  I think I want to get in on the action, actually.  I have a few choice phrases I could become very serious about owning.  In fact, most of them would apply to how I feel about the New England Patriots right about now.  I’m not going to tell you what they are.  That way I have a better chance of suing you when I think you’re using them.  I’ve been looking for a way to pull in some extra spending money now that I’m retired.  I don’t know where you go to get one of these trademarks, but I bet I can find out with a Google search.  I wonder if I get to stipulate the penalty for infringement?  If I like you, you don’t have to worry.  I won’t press charges.  But if I ever catch a New England Patriot using any of my trademarked phrases, they are in a shit load of trouble.  I think I have struck gold here.  I can not tell you how many times my phrases have been bleeped out during a televised football game.  And a word of caution.  I’m pretty good at reading lips.