During his address to the Evangelical Leaders Conference yesterday, Vice President Mike Pence reminded the attendees that it was St. Thomas Aquinas Day, and revealed that President Trump very much admires the saint. The vice president went on to say that it was obvious to him that    President Trump shares many of the holy man’s attributes.  “St. Thomas Aquinas was one of the most influential scholars of his time,” the vice president remarked.  “He spent most of his life  in constant reflection of prevailing thought and available documents to formulate his religious philosophy, much like the president does to fine tune his ideology.  I know for a fact President Trump spends hours studying his reflected image in any available flat object that is capable of reflection, and I have seen him drop everything so he can devote his full attention to any magazine cover that has his picture on it.”

Recalling the recent ingratiating comparison Vice President Pence made  on the eve of Martin Luther King Day between President Trump and the renowned civil rights leader, vice presidential aide Malcom Melvish suggested the nation might be in store for even more spectacular groveling and mystifying  puzzlement from the VP this upcoming President’s Day . VP Pence Compares Trump to MLK

During an interview yesterday Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross said he did not understand why so many unpaid federal employees were failing to take advantage of their drained bank accounts.  “These people don’t seem to understand that just because they are not getting their checks in the mail doesn’t mean they don’t have any money,” Mr. Ross pointed out. “They should use their heads and confuse their mortgage holders and utility providers and so forth by telling them they have nothing to worry about because there are way better days ahead.  Why there was a  time or two when my own bank account dwindled to the seven figure mark  and I really had to apply myself and construct some complicated paperwork so I could get into someone else’s bank account.” The Unbridled Grifting of Wilbur Ross

  Secretary Ross – Could possibly help you make a little extra cash if you don’t mind skirting SEC regulations 

Also willing to pitch in with encouragement for the furloughed employees was Eric Trump’s wife Lara, who is the president’s campaign advisor. Commenting on Bold TV,  Mrs. Trump expressed  heartfelt detachment for those just scraping by, telling the viewing audience that the little bit of pain they were experiencing would be well worth it in the long run.  “Your small sacrifices are just what this country needs right now.  For the security and good of the nation it is your patriotic duty to see that our great president’s  campaign promise is fulfilled, no matter how dubiously useful or ill conceived.”  Mrs. Trump obligingly shook hands with the television crew and then quickly exited so she could meet Eric for lunch at Le Bernardin.

  Lara and Eric Trump- pictured here trying to decide which route offers the fastest ascent to the third floor of their humble home

Among the items in the infamous shoebox discovered after President Trump’s sudden White House departure was a letter from Steve Bannon dated 1/4/2019.  It’s content follows:

Dear Mr President,

In the interest of secrecy I decided to write this letter instead of calling you since there is a pretty good chance your personal phone is still unsecured,   Can’t be too careful 🙂  It looks like this government shut down thing is log-jammed and as usual I’m here to help.  As you pointed out there is no way you are going to look the fool over all of this wall business and believe me you should not concern yourself with that worry as that bridge was crossed a long, long time ago.  I have to tell  you though the way out of this mess is just staring you in the face.

As we discussed so many times we need a wall.  No doubt.  Case closed.  I can’t quite remember when I came up with the idea that Mexico will pay for it, but WOW!  Was that something.  The way those crowds got a boner over that.  Holy shit!  Well I have a confession to make.  I know I told you that was a thing.  But I sort of yanked that idea straight out of my ass.   I know I should have told you right away I was just pulling your leg, but dog gone it you really caught me off guard when you suddenly  heaped all that praise on me for my brilliance.  Please consider my position at that moment.  I certainly didn’t want to offend you and mention only a lobotomized monkey would fall for that. And then holy crapola the way all those people at your rallies bought into that whopper. I guess for some people getting a 25 billion dollar wall for free makes perfect sense  somehow.  Everything just snowballed, and what the fuck was I supposed to do?  How was I supposed to know how badly our public education system had cratered out?

So, I’m really sorry.  I’m sorry too about the rude way you found out I was jerking your chain.  I have to say when Vicente Fox told you to go fuck yourself I was appalled.  That’s no way for any  Mexican president or president of any country to talk.  I suspect that’s what led you to show me the door, right?  No hard feelings, OK?

Anyway.  This shut down is starting to take a toll I believe.  Sure there are a million people pretty pissed off at you for not cutting their payroll checks.  But have you been outside lately?  The stink from the garbage piling up outside the National Mall is starting to whiff  over to my apartment.  But you have a way out of this. It’s simple.  You do what you do best- lie your ass off.

OK. So you fucked up and told the American public you are going to build a wall AND Mexico is going to pay for it.  Right off the promise is broken.  It’s a lose-lose for you at this point.  You potentially broke a promise.  There can be no wall unless Mexico pays for it- you sure don’t want to stick the tax-paying public with a 25 billion dollar bill when you promised you’d work some of your fancy dealing magic and dun Mexico.  Seems you got your ass in a jam here.  But no way Jose.  The man in charge is Donald  J Trump and don’t you forget that!  You got caught in a lie.  What do you do?  You do exactly what you always do- you tell another lie of course!

What you do is get out your cell phone and start tweeting.  You tell everybody Mexico’s new president Lopez Obrador has never told you to fuck off like the past two presidents of that country have, so obviously he is on board with wall funding.  You say Jared just got back from Mexico City where he was finalizing the deal, and President Lopez Obrador’s message he asked Jared to relay is “fuck off Donald” and so there you have it that guy is a lying piece of shit and you knew in your gut you should have never trusted him and besides murderers and rapists Mexicans are a bunch of dishonest, lying two faced beaners.  Sorry America. I tried.  That’s the way it is.  Mexico said it would pay, now no way.  That’s exactly why we can’t have them in our country.  Lock your doors momma because here comes MS 13.

I hope 2019 is as successful as last year, although I’m not sure accumulating  an unfathomable number of presidential lawsuits is the way I would go about creating a legacy.  But you are the great disrupter so stick to your guns my friend.  Happy New Year!

Always your servant

Steve Bannon

PS  Just a thought, but if you don’t want to give up on  wall proposals maybe start spitballing   ideas for a southern Florida sea-wall.  Water is seeping into my beach front condo and not sure if you heard but there are a couple of fairways at Mar a Largo that  at high tide are now only a foot above sea level.

PPS  Please remember to destroy this letter after reading

That mysterious illness that has afflicted President Trump has finally been explained.  As reported earlier last week, the president has had to cancel or cut short a number of meetings, group photo sessions and conference calls, not to mention interrupt important television viewing due to an undisclosed ailment.   White House staffers have remained tight-lipped about the situation, but this morning reporters were able to contact the president’s personal physician, Dr. Harold Bornstein.

Dr. Bornstein said that the condition was initially presumed to be a form of stomach  poisoning brought on by some bad burritos the president got ahold of in Buenos Aires during the G20 summit.  But after medical observation of the president for a few days, it has been determined he has a peculiar form of irritable bowl syndrome.  It seems that it is all related to the unconventional use of his gut.  Apparently the president was born with an intestinal tract that is capable of performing many of the decision-making tasks ordinarily delegated to the human brain.  Trump’s Insightful Gut.  “Imagine tossing down six pieces of KFC,  three helpings of mashed potatoes and gravy, a huge, beautiful piece of chocolate cake and a couple of diet Cokes and then asking  the organs responsible for digesting all of that to deliberate the pros and cons of a U.S. ground invasion of Iran.  You have to figure over time the entire alimentary canal is bound to get pretty over-taxed.  It all just finally caught up with hm,” Dr. Bornstein pointed out.

One of the main triggers of the president’s condition is what Dr. Bornstein labeled “Muelleritis.”  As the doctor explained the syndrome, the mere mention of the special prosecutor’s name now precipitates an unpleasant urgency to surge  through President Trump’s bowels and he must  drop everything he is doing in order to attend to his distress.

Though things seem a bit dire for the president at the moment, Dr. Bornstein is optimistic of a positive outcome.  A dedicated team of medical professionals, which includes an internist, a gastroenterologist, and two psychiatric specialists, is working around the clock to  develop a personal exercise regimen for the president  that will help him train his gut to shift cognitive tasks it is presented with upward to his brain, where they are more traditionally dealt with.  Dr. Bornstein said the ticket to a complete recovery is making sure the president adheres to medical advisory updates, cuts his twelve hour work week in half, gets plenty of bed rest and follows a strict diet of Fox News,

The Entire “Cognition Reformatting Cadre” Will Confer With the President Twice Weekly to Monitor his  Progress

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I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.  For sure I’m angry.  This Whitaker appointment is mind-numbingly outrageous.  Is Trump blatantly daring anyone to suggest conflict of interest?  He is practically guiding us through a maze of his obstruction of justice practices that has as its terminal reward an area marked “Conviction.”  Trump replacing Jeff Sessions with Matthew Whitaker as AG is like you replacing a district court judge with your favorite drunk uncle to hear your DUI case.

First of all what are his qualifications?  He’s a crook.  Wantonly Whitaker  That has a certain appeal to Trump I realize, but scamming people,  threatening them and otherwise involving yourself in a company that gets hammered with a multi million dollar FTC fine is something you normally would not want appearing on your resume.  If Whitaker ever managed to go before the senate for confirmation, even the most entrenched Trump sycophant would have trouble agreeing with his unconventional positions on Supreme Court decisions and the Court itself.  

AG Matthew Whitaker (above) seen here dreaming of conferencing with Bernie Madoff and Iowa congressman Steve King for their input on finance, immigration, and the best way to remove stubborn bathroom tile stains 

Second, can Trump even legally appoint his own unconfirmed AG?  NO!  The constitution has a provision for proper succession of senate confirmed members of the Justice Department.   Regardless of constitutional updating, the Sessions firing creates no emergency, and even if that applied, the appropriate person is in place to succeed him- Rod Rosenstein.

Thirdly, appointing Matthew Whitaker as AG stinks to high heaven of obstruction and conflict of interest.  Whitaker has made it abundantly clear he would do everything possible to obstruct or derail the Mueller investigation.

This is the kind of shit that goes on in Central American banana republics- suppression of free speech and the press and autocratic control of the judicial system.  Trump will always expect total fealty from his appointees, and his constant badgering and humiliation of Jeff Sessions would seem to indicate he absolutely demands it of his Attorney General.  Loyalty to Trump rather than judicial integrity is what matters. In Matthew Whitaker he has found just the stooge he’s been looking for.

There is at least one good thing that will come of the Trump presidency.  He has unwittingly exposed a few flaws in our form of government that obviously need to be addressed.  There should be no question that other than in an extreme emergency the president does not have any power to randomly appoint an AG without senate confirmation.  That there is even the slightest debate about whether or not  Trump has the power to alter the 14th constitutional amendment of his own volition is ridiculous.  If that is the case, I suggest we elect a gun control advocate as our next president and insist he take it upon himself to add a clause or two to the second amendment and end its ambiguity once and for all.   Imagine how that would fly.  Our system has constitutional safeguards that are supposed to prevent those types of autocratic hubris from happening- chiefly the checks and balances of the legislative branch.  They have been abdicated for far too long.   Let’s hope a Democrat controlled House of Representatives restores strength to that proposition.

BREAKING NEWS!  How can you keep up with this guy?  Now Trump is denying he even knows the person he illegally hand-picked to replace Sessions.  As the investigative noose around him tightens, you have to wonder if Trump will deny knowing Don Jr.

Walls.  The perfect metaphor to characterize political discourse and American society in general.  Do we need one along our southern border?  I don’t think so.  Most Democrats and I am pretty sure any fiscally responsible Republican would agree.  We all want border control and immigration reform.  The fear mongering fomented by the White House is appalling.  If we had executive and congressional leadership that is willing to compromise we could constructively solve the border problem.  But we don’t have that.  The Republicans are controlled by Trump and his Scaredy-Cat wing of that party, and for years the Democrats have sat around with their heads up their asses and have consistently failed to hammer out a feasible plan.

You know where we will be needing a wall?  Along our entire coastline if we don’t start taking climate change seriously.  Maybe we should start saving up for that.  Better yet, when you vote please consider your selected candidate’s position on the environment.  Honest to god we have to stop ignoring the detrimental impacts we are inflicting on our planet . Candidates stuffing their pockets with fossil fuel money will not be protecting your best interests, or that of our upcoming generations.

And generationally speaking, please, all you young people who are eligible to vote- get off your ass and do it!  Voting has been a hard fought right in this country, and pathetically that fight is still ongoing.  Voting is pivotal to our entire way of governing.  The more people who vote, the more democratic the whole process is.  You know why you feel like you keep getting screwed by the system?  Because you are getting OUT VOTED!  Guess who looks out for themselves by getting to the polls in huge numbers.  Old people.  And stinking  rich people.  Hey, don’t look at me.  I’m old but I ain’t rich.  I’ve been trying real hard to be a carefully selective voter- I am a proud, registered Independent.

This is the United States of America, the country that shines the light on democracy.  What has made us great is our innovation, our open mindedness,  our freedoms, reasonable restraining rules of law, our work ethic and our religious and cultural diversity that emphasizes and accepts individuality.  E Pluribus Unum. We have shown the world how this “grand experiment” works, and we are constantly tinkering with it.   That usually makes it better. but at times there is an explosion in the laboratory, and we need to clean up the mess.  This is one of those times.