Virginia coal miner Jacob Funkhowser, who was recently diagnosed with Black Lung disease, says he is confident he’ll be fine in a few days since the coal dust he has been inhaling is the new clean kind and not the old dirty type that killed his father.  “My dad just happened to be a miner at the wrong time, before there was all this clean coal we are mining now,” Funkhowser said.  Asked if this is information that he received from his physician, Mr. Funkhowser said he couldn’t recall  what his doctor told him, but he is adamantly confident President Trump knows what he is talking about.  Between coughing fits Mr. Funkhowser did his best to clarify his statement, but the interview was cut short after he noticed his portable oxygen tank was nearing empty.

Resurgence of Black Lung Disease

In an apparent effort to broaden the base of the Democratic party, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi announced yesterday that she will organize a cordial get together with her local chapter of MS-13 when the House of Representatives adjourns for the summer recess in August.  As reported only by Fox News, the event is part of her plan to welcome the group and make sure they all feel right at home in their new country.  Commenting on this morning’s Fox and Friends program,  former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee gave his analysis and  proper perspective of the breaking story.   Of particular interest, he stated that his sources advised him that one of the primary reasons for the gathering is to keep the leaders of MS-13 informed of the progress the Democrats are having advancing  their infrastructure bill.

The governor pointed out that the Democrat’s version of the bill includes a specific demand for a high speed rail system that will run from Guatemala and terminate in the minority leader’s home state of California.  The train will be designed  for the exclusive transportation and comfort of Mexican and Central American gang members.   It is his belief Ms. Pelosi wants to find out what travel accommodations gang members typically prefer.  After a short discussion about crime statistics and the marginal nutritional value of tacos, the governor went on to list a number of dire warnings, none more chilling than the following: “I want to make clear I am not singling out gang members.  I’m talking about all of them, all the different-looking, foreign speaking non-Christians- they all pose an imminent danger to the United States.  If we don’t stop letting them into our country, believe me we risk being completely overrun by roving packs of lawless democrats.”

ABOVE: Prototype of Bullet Train that Democrats Hope to Feature on Their Proposed Gang Member Transportation Line

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Yesterday the Bureau of Labored Statistics (BLdS)  issued its annual report, and  there were some  interesting  conclusions included that had never before surfaced during any previous study.  One of the figures that has caught the attention of political observers is the “obfuscation” number, or “Oh!” number, as it is commonly called.  As it relates to current politics, the study included only those people who adamantly support the president, and the “Oh!” number is simply the average number of times it takes President Trump to say something before a typical supporter of his believes it.  Somewhat surprisingly that figure turned out to be 3.5.

Until this recent report was issued, most political pundits were under the impression that the president only had to mention something once and his core followers would accept it as dogma.  That the report concludes the official number is over three times  what had previously been assumed is something that caught the White House by surprise.  When asked about the anomaly at a press conference, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders noted that the number 3.5 was an average of the results.  “Believe me the minute the president says something, the really smart people pick it up right away,” said the press secretary.  “Look, I’m not saying all the other people are dumb or anything. There are a number of reasons someone might not catch on as quickly as others.   A lot of folks are old and maybe they might not hear too well.  Maybe they like to check with Sean Hannity before they draw a conclusion.  Look, 3.5 seems like a ridiculously high number to me but the important thing is in the end people know the mainstream media is always lying, and most important of all is that once you become one of the president’s believers you will always be able to understand the truths he speaks of, and the miseries of your life will completely vanish, and when you die you will go straight to heaven.”

BLdS administrator Stanley Grossman did point out that during the survey there was a very consistent finding that tended to skewer the outcome towards the large number.  He called it the “Giulliani Factor.” Grossman stated that when  the survey participants were shown  various pictures of prominent administration spokespersons, those of Rudy Giuliani elicited  a perplexingly  wide range of responses.  Grossman attributes that to the confusion Mr. Guilliani created with some of his statements that completely contradicted the president’s positions.   48% of the survey remarks about Mr. Guilliani were along the lines of “Doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground.”  (Interestingly, that was the exact phrase used by 31% of those surveyed).  However, 37 % said something to the effect of “Huh? I’m not sure but I think the president said he always went to Lake Tahoe for a religious retreat, not to meet porn stars, so I’ll check with Fox News for the real story.” The remaining 15% generally asserted that Mr. Giulliani should seriously consider having some dental work done.

Mr. Grossman admitted  that much of the survey was probably taken before Mr. Guilliani had a full grasp of  President Trump’s creative methods  of explaining facts. “It takes courage and someone with a strong stomach to go on national television and claim to believe a typical Trump truth.” Grossman stated.  “But it looks like Mr. Guilliani is finally getting the hang of it, and  it’s  my opinion that by the time our survey is taken next year, the Guilliani factor will be immaterial.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Oh! number pretty close to a perfect 1.Oh!.”

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The Mueller investigation isn’t all bad news for President Trump.  In fact, recent disclosures during the past week have caught the attention of the president’s supporters and he has astutely  taken advantage of the situation.  Things started to unexpectedly turn in the president’s favor when two witches who were arrested last week decided to “flip” and spill their guts.  During intense interrogation of the suspects rounded up in what is being labeled as the “witch hunt arm” of the investigation, witches Desdemona Dark and Bovina Dudd  disclosed some startling information.

Both witches more or less confirmed that indeed, as the president suspected, there likely was a spy implanted in the Trump presidential campaign. Though neither of the witches knows for certain if the spy they are referring to is a government agent, both are positive something even more sinister is involved.   They contend that the spy is a male witch.   Known to them only by the name of “Shadow,”  the two women stated they had attended several sorceror conventions and retreats together and at first both judged him to be an upstanding and first rate witch.  As time progressed however, they felt he was “completely out of sorts” and” just not right.”

According to Dark and Dudd, early in the 2016 presidential campaign Mr. Shadow met Kellyanne Conway at a political rally and was immediately attracted to her.  Thinking she had the potential to become his perfect companion in love as well as sorcery, flirtation evolved into fixated infatuation.  Initially spurned by Mrs. Conway, Mr. Shadow pursued her relentlessly.  The day before the Indiana primary in May of 2016, Dudd and Dark were deep in the forrest collecting frogs and newts, when they ran into Mr. Shadow at a favorite bog.  That is when the two female witches become suspicious of Mr. Shadow’s intentions.  He inadvertently revealed that he was looking for a  particular species of serpent’s tongue, and that was an immediate tip-off that he was concocting a spell- binding love potion called a  philtre.  Dark and Dudd became exceedingly alarmed, for philtre’s are strictly forbidden in modern sorcery.

Witches Dark and Dudd at a Recent Fetish Auction 

Attending to their caldron one afternoon a month later, Dark and Dudd’s worst fears were confirmed.  While they were watching a televised news clip of a Trump campaign rally in New Jersey, they both are certain they saw Mr. Shadow and Mrs. Conway holding hands off stage.  Although using a philtre as a means to achieve romantic conquest is what Dunn and Dark found primarily disturbing, what Representative Devin Nunes uncovered is what is politically and criminally relevant.

Upon investigating Mr. Shadow’s background, Congressman Nunes heard from an undisclosed source who heard it from another guy that when Mr. Shadow’s father was a child, he would eat nothing but Post Toasties, a breakfast cereal  which at that time had published on the back side of the box information that enticed the nation’s children to join the “Junior G-Mens club,” an organization created to promote youth law enforcement interest, but was eventually revealed to be a surreptitious tool for future FBI recruitment.  Not only that, Nunes has almost absolute proof that Mr. Shadow himself at one time told a grade-school acquaintance that when he grew up he was going to be an FBI agent- or a fireman.  Nunes is convinced this damning information proves there was an FBI connection.  In light of that and the reported witch misconduct, Nunes is convinced that the regular arm of the Mueller investigation is corrupt and is demanding it’s dissolution.

Shortly after this startling story broke, investigative authorities launched an intensive search for Mr. Shadow, but can find no trace of the mysterious witch.  Though Mrs. Conway stated she knows Mr. Shadow, she regards him as just a casual acquaintance and has denied culpability. She has been asked to take a temporary leave of absence however.

Anyone who knows the whereabouts of Mr. Shadow (pictured at left) is asked to contact their local police department  

Seizing unexpected opportunity, President Trump has been sending a barrage of tweets the past few days, each condemning all those who served in the FBI and/or engaged in witchcraft  during the Obama administration, as well as assuring his dedicated followers that sometimes a witch hunt isn’t so bad.

President Trump’s attorney Rudy Giuliani wasted no time to point out the obvious.  “To paraphrase our great President Lincoln,” Mr. Guilliani stated during his Fox News interview yesterday, “you can fool some of the people all the time, all the people some of the time, but you can never fool our base.  We know what’s going on here and it’s spying.  And a witch spy, well that’s unheard of.  That’s as low as it gets.  Who knows what spells and hexes are floating around now. Sometimes, you know I get these feelings, like I just feel– off.  For no reason.  Could that witch be responsible?  Maybe.  Like whenever I say some of that stupid stuff that makes President Trump look like a Russian lackey or a lecherous whoremonger.  You have to think there is a good chance it’s the work of the witches.  I tell you they are up to no good.”

Related Story: FBI Nabs Coven of Witches

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In what has to be considered an unlikely turn of events, the FBI announced today it has apprehended a coven of witches.  FBI Assistant Director Charles Moots stated the department became interested in pursuing the witch angle after repeated suggestions from President Trump, and it has been conducting secret investigations for several months.  “The president kept insisting we had this witch hunt thing going on, and at first we weren’t sure what he had in mind.   We certainly didn’t want it to look like the department wasn’t doing it’s job, so we had a team of agents look into it,” Mr. Moots reported. The assistant director singled out agent Herb Badgeman  for his insightful investigative work.  “Agent Badgeman spent a lot of his free time researching the habits of witches, and obviously it paid off,” Moots stated.

   Left: Coven of Witches Arrested in City Park

Agent Badgeman certainly had an interesting story to tell.   “My partner and I were just sitting on a bench in Montrose Park, when I noticed a bunch of flies circling a pile of plucked bats next to a garbage can.  Like all crime investigations you just have to know what to look for.  We followed the trail of dead, eyeless newts, toeless frogs and various other mutilated amphibians and that led us to the witches hiding in the forrest.  We got there just in time.  They wouldn’t admit it but I’m certain they were about to carve up the puppies they had concealed in the woods.  I am very well aware one of the things witches spice up their caldron of stew with is dog tongue,” Badgeman emphasized.

Mr. Moots had high praise for President Trump.  “Without the president’s dogged persistence we never would have cracked this case,” Moots proclaimed.

And Mr. Moots was not the only one passing out accolades to President Trump.  In appreciation for saving the lives of all those puppies, the national organization of the ASPCA ceremoniously presented to the president a commemorative plaque that recognized his contribution to the prevention of crime and animal cruelty, as well as the unacceptable practices of the occult.  The award was delivered by none other than McGruff the crime dog.

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from BUSINESS WEEK UPDATE

The Trump Organization recently announced it will add a pornography segment to the conglomerate’s burgeoning portfolio.  With all the salacious revelations that continue to swirl about President Trump regarding his involvement with a virtual cavalcade of actresses in the adult film industry, acting company executive Donald Trump Jr. was questioned about the timing of this decision.  “Frankly when any normal person analyzes the details here, it’s obvious this is a business opportunity that anyone would take advantage of,” he stated.  Pointing to the almost endless list of windfalls that have fallen into the lap of the company since the president’s inauguration, Donald Jr. seemed perplexed that there would be any implication of impropriety.  “Is this really any different than our company using our political position to rake in astronomical profits from our hotels and rental properties?” Donald Jr. confidently commented.

Donald Jr. went on to outline some specifics of the company’s strategy.  Regarding his father’s sordid reputation, he made it clear the news media was once again deliberately engaging in distorted journalism.  “As always the fake news out there is painting a picture of a glass half empty.  If anything this is a glass half full situation.  In fact, the glass is overflowing with a robust, foamy froth” was how Donald Jr. described the venture.  To make his point, he once again mentioned how successful the company was in the past by leveraging the prestige of his father’s political position with the Trump brand.  By aligning that operating principle with the connection the president has to a vast  assortment of members of the adult film industry,  it became glaringly obvious to Trump management that any Trump Organization entry into the pornography industry had enormous potential for profit and company growth.

Donald Jr. stated that it was the president’s personal attorney, Michael Cohen, who came up with the idea of testing the pornography industry waters.  “It all started with my father’s uncontrollable urge to help those in need.” Donald Jr. stated.  “My dad would be at a gathering and he would immediately be able to spot someone who is suffering silently.  Something about those people always catches his attention,  like, something  really sticks out.  As is typical of his generous nature, he then had Mr. Cohen send them a $130,000 check.  As happens sometimes, the word  got out what a softie my father is and pretty soon Mr. Cohen found himself writing one $130,000 check after another.  When he discovered that these poor people were coincidentally all involved in the adult film business, that’s when Mr. Cohen insightfully recognized opportunity,  Basically he made it clear to our organization that it made a lot more sense to instill dignity in the lives of these people by having them come and work for our company instead of accepting $130,000 hand-outs.”

When asked to comment, Mr. Cohen humbly stated that it is the president that deserves most of the credit for the company’s bold move.  “President Trump is constantly eyeballing attractive opportunities and is not afraid to grab the goods.  These acquisitions are just another example of how he maximizes his bang for the buck.”  The comment triggered questions about capital disbursements, but Mr. Cohen stated he was not privy to that information.  However he did mention that it was nice that he now could finally quit asking for $130,000 extensions on his home equity loan.

Here are just a few adult titles that will soon be labeled with the Trump brand