I was recently in St. George Utah and ran into Orrin Hatch.  It was one of those random things that just happens.  Just a quirky coincidence.  My mother lives in St. George and I was there to pay her a visit.  She had been in the hospital, then in a rehab facility, then after a few days there she ended up right back in the hospital, and then after a couple days she was back in rehab, for a month.  She is 98 years old.  I flew out the day after she was discharged from the rehab facility to help her celebrate the return to her assisted living apartment, and take notes on what I have to look forward to.

My brother and sister were there also.  As a family we like to go all out when we get together, so we took mom to Chuck-O-Rama for dinner.  My brother was wearing an arm sling because he had recently torn a rotator cuff, and we got to comparing our various ailments- my cataract surgery coming up, my sister’s migraines, and we also touched on some of the past and upcoming orthopedic and cardio-vascular surgeries of our spouses as well as our own, the usual dinner table conversation.  And in walks Orrin Hatch!  No kidding.  At Chuck-O-Rama.  Orrin Hatch had recently announced his upcoming retirement, and I suppose he was out celebrating himself.  Go figure!

 Utah Senator Orrin Hatch

All through our meal I kept glancing over at Orrin Hatch.  He was dining at a table not far from ours.  He seemed to be enjoying his pork spare ribs, mashed potatoes and lime jello, which coincidentally were the exact items I had selected from the buffet myself.  I felt that was an indication that we must have some sort of bond, and obviously when he made that statement awhile back about President Trump being the best president in the nation’s history, it was an unintentional mistake.  Likely it was just one of  those off the cuff remarks politicians are prone to make that they later regret.  Maybe the televised video I saw was technologically altered by a political opponent.  They can do that you know.

My curiosity got the best of me and I went over to his table to say hello and then I asked him right off if he really felt President Trump was the best president ever.  At first he sort of hemmed and hawed and really tried his best to avoid giving a definite answer. Well you better know political song and dance like that just doesn’t fly with me.  I had always thought Orrin Hatch was a decent and sensible man, and it just didn’t make sense that he would say anything so stupid as President Trump is the best president ever.  I became insistent that he give me a straight answer.  I don’t put up with vaguery when it comes to important issues.  The country would be way better off if we got these guys to quit with the bull shit is how I feel.

Well he got huffy-like with me and son of a bitch if he didn’t come right out and say yes, President Trump was the best president ever.  I said there was no way he could actually mean that, and he just doubled down and said absolutely President Trump was the best president ever.  I asked him then if Trump is number one in his book, who in the hell made his top ten list- Nixon, Harding, Hoover, Buchanan, who?  He got even more unhinged and said of course not those guys.  His greats were Lincoln, Washington, FDR, Kennedy, and I just cut him off and said he was a real know-nothing asshole if he put that piece of shit Trump in that kind of company.

Orrin Hatch then got all uppity and started yelling at me and said I was the real asshole and told me to go sit down, so naturally I shoved his face into the mashed potatoes on his plate.  It was no big deal.  I mean the gravy wasn’t like, steaming or anything.  But out of nowhere one of his goons started attacking me, swinging away with the handle end of her cane, and that’s when my brother bolted out of his chair and dropped her to the floor with his bad shoulder.  He let out a horrible scream that startled poor mom and she  must have passed out or something because the next thing you know both she and my brother were headed to the hospital in an ambulance and I was being carted off to jail.

So here I am, waiting for my sister to bail me out.  It might be awhile because she felt it was important to follow the ambulance to the hospital and make sure mom was taken care of properly.  She has no idea how bad it sucks in here.  I am sure mom is better off than me.  I am surrounded by hispanics that I imagine are being held for deportation.  That’s not the bad part.  They seem nice enough, but it’s the television programming.  I should say program.  You only get one- Fox News.  Not all my cell-mates can see the TV, but absolutely everyone can hear it.  As some sort of propaganda agenda the people in charge here relentlessly blast Fox News day and night just to make sure all the hispanics understand they are not welcome in Utah.  And of course Fox News cuts with a double edge when it carves into any hispanic brain.  As anyone knows, if you aren’t totally committed or conditioned to it, after a constant 24 hours of Fox News, hispanic or otherwise you are begging to be deported.  Wearing a hair shirt and having someone shove a Louisville Slugger up your ass while you’re being waterboarded is more humane.

So I’ve got some time on my hands to prepare my defense.  I have to do this all in my head since they won’t give me a pen to write with, but I’m pretty sharp and remember stuff that you might fuck up and forget.  But in this case there is really not a whole lot of memory work involved.  Here is Orrin Hatch’s top five list of U.S. presidents:

  5. PRESIDENT- John F. Kennedy       IMPORTANT ACCOMPLISHMENTS-   Faced down Russia during Cuban missile crisis and avoided nuclear war     FAMOUS QUOTE:  Ask not what your country can do for you–ask what you can do for your country.

  4. PRESIDENT- Franklin D. Roosevelt     IMPORTANT ACCOMPLISHMENTS-  Was elected unprecedented four times and steered country through the Great Depression and WW Two    FAMOUS QUOTE:  The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

  3. PRESIDENT- George Washington   IMPORTANT ACCOMPLISHMENTS-  Revolutionary war hero and father of country and established many forms of government that survive today    FAMOUS QUOTE:  If freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter

  2.  PRESIDENT- Abraham Lincoln    IMPORTANT ACCOMPLISHMENTS- Abolished slavery and led Union to victory in the American Civil War    FAMOUS QUOTE:  Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth

  1. PRESIDENT- Donald J. Trump    IMPORTANT ACCOMPLISHMENTS- Signed tax bill that added a staggering 1.5 trillion dollars to national debt and significantly widened wealth inequality in the U.S.  Eliminated regulations that had previously restricted gun sales to the mentally incompetent as well as many that prevented corporate environmental pollution and financial industry malfeasance   FAMOUS QUOTE:  Grab ’em by the pussy

It’s pretty black and white.  This evidence is so damning if Orrin Hatch thinks he can pull a fast one with some flimsy charges against me he’s going to get laughed right out of the courtroom.

HAPPY PRESIDENTS DAY!

To all our fellow, loyal Republican friends:

As you might have heard, President Trump has placed the Pentagon on red alert and asked the people in charge over there to fast track a mobilization of tanks, missile launchers, heavy artillery, soldiers of every stripe and division, all active military bands and choral groups, along with coteries of the nations best high school baton twirlers, and a contingent of unemployed circus animals, and get it all strapped together and organized so the whole conglomeration can put on a nice performance and amuse him with a parade down Pennsylvania Avenue.

Well that would be just fine except that the stingy Freedom Caucus is getting all uptight and has refused to appropriate funding for the proposed gala event.  Those guys have their shorts in a bunch and say it’s just too expensive.  For some reason they think the gathering of an immense assortment of soldiers only to have them do nothing but march around is a big waste of time and tax dollars.  I say anything we can do to get them ready to march into Pyongyang is worth the effort.  Then they’re whining about having to resurface the streets of DC after all the tank traffic clears out. Tax dollars again.  That’s all they think about.  And they consider it to be unfair to have city sanitation workers sweep up all the elephant and tiger shit, mostly because it will be extra heavy  with all the chewed up concrete it will be entangled with.  I say without hard work nothing grows but weeds.

So that’s what we are dealing with.  Believe me you don’t want to be around when the president doesn’t get what he wants.  I don’t know how much longer housekeeping will put up with all the clean up that is required after one of his little outbursts.  I am being paid to think things through and come up with solutions.  So this is what I propose.

I know President Trump well, so I am aware a nice parade involving our military would be spectacular and his first preference.  But taking into consideration how tight fisted congress is, even though we all know this time next year the new corporate tax cuts will fill treasury department  coffers with money we won’t know what to do with, I really think we just might be able to make him happy with something a little less flamboyant.  Mardi Gras is just around the corner.  All we need to do is get him to New Orleans for the parade down there.  I know some of you think this fixation of his on a military parade pivots around all the show-offy stuff  Kim Jong-un does with his military extravaganzas, but I know for a fact it has little to do with that and everything to do with that damn Macron.

This obsession of his all started after his visit to France last year.  President Trump got all ginned up with his parade ideas after Macron pranced his soldiers down the Avenue des Champs-Elysees in front of our president. Macron knew damn well something so pompously shiny was bound to start the wheels turning in President Trump’s head.  To top it off, Ivanka got all google-eyed over Macron and that kind of thing just gets president Trump all in a stew.

Anyway, as everyone knows, quite a bit of froggy stuff goes on during Mardi Gras.  When their parade starts, we just need to get the president out on one of those French Quarter balconies so people can wave to him as they go by.  I know he’ll really like that.  I was down there a few years back and I can tell you it’s a pretty rowdy crowd.  Of course a lot of the cheering will be for the gals standing on the balcony across the street that take their tops off, but I can’t think of a better distraction for the president to dwell on.  He’ll be happy as a clam.

Now here’s the tricky part I need your help with.  You’ve probably heard Melania is not too happy with her husband.  She’s not about to fly with him to New Orleans or anywhere else she doesn’t have to, probably for quite awhile.  Maybe forever.  Believe me she is really pissed.  And there’s the rub.  All the naked jiggling and shaking of this and that is bound to get the president and his tic-tac container all shook up.  I’ve contacted Stormy Daniels, and she says she’s one hundred percent on board to take care of things, but apparently she’s wised up a bit and won’t settle for a measly $130,000.  The going rate now is a cool million, so that’s what we have to come up with.

Won’t you please, please PLEASE help.  I don’t like this getting out, but I’m the one that flies under the radar and makes sure all things run smoothly.  Trust me.  This will work.  It’s got to.  You don’t know what it’s like when he gets mad.  But we have to act fast.  Really fast.  Mardi Gras is next week. I’m begging you. I can’t believe my boss stuck me with this job.   Please find it in your heart to give a generous donation.  Or anything.

__DONATE $1000     __ DONATE $500     __DONATE $100     __DONATE An Even Larger Amount

__I cannot donate at this time because I am an unpatriotic asshole

Sincerely:     Ken Groveling,  Junior Advisor to Senior Advisor Stephen Miller

**************************************************

If you are truly pissed about the direction of our country, bitch to your congress person.  Look up their phone numbers.  This is bull shit.  Ask these people one simple question:  Taking into account all the important needs of our nation, in your opinion is it better to spend seventeen million dollars on:

A) a parade.                                                                                                                                                   B)  almost anything else a normal human brain is capable of imagining.

This is getting ridiculous.  Democracy is crumbling before our eyes.  It has never been more important to take the time to vote.  It is no longer appropriate to acknowledge it as just a privilege.  It has now become a civic imperative.

SHARE IF YOU DARE  * STOP THE CRAZINESS

 WOW!  You have to be impressed with this “MeToo” movement.   By the end of every day now  you can count on a new guy headlining the sexual misconduct list.  Keep it going girls.  This is long overdue.  In the way of full disclosure, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to any female anywhere whom I might have offended in any way at any point in time. And to all my fellow guys out there, it would behoove you also to get out ahead of this.  You know damn well you don’t remember half the stuff you did when you were shit-faced back in college.  And what about that ex girlfriend that still hates your guts?  These ladies mean business, so count on sweating it out at the very least, and if you’re going to be an asshole about this you are totally screwed.

I got to thinking about all the gender righteousness swirling about, and besides once again stating it’s about time, there are a couple of other things that I think need to be addressed.  Men are pigs, no doubt about it.  But still, all pigs are not created equal.  I was relieved to hear several females, newscasters like Stephanie Ruhle and political professionals like Stephanie Cutter come to our defense at least in a small way and underline the fact that you can’t throw every offensive man into one extremely large bucket.  There are different levels of shitty behavior and each case should be judged separately.  But just what is the line that defines that which is totally inexcusable?  Keep in mind I am talking about the past.  I am hopeful what is taking place presently in the gender domaine of our social structure will not be just another futile surge, like citizenry gun control entreats that flame out within a few weeks after every god damned mass shooting we have in this country.  I think we really are at a watershed moment where women are mad as hell and are not going to take it anymore.  My guess is that from now on there will be, as should be, a very high bar expected of my fellow man-boars.

But what about the past?  How do you grade our past bad behavior?  What is the line that absolutely should not be crossed?  It’s a question raised even by the educated ladies commentating in the media.  Fortunately for you I think I can be of assistance here, and the tool I utilize is one that is universally considered nearly infallible- math.  It has suddenly become fairly well established that when push comes to shove, believe the woman not the man when charges of sexual misconduct are involved.  And as the number of females increases in corroboration, the stronger their case.  With that in mind I have come up with this handy “scale of fuckedness.”

Point one.  Only one female plaintiff.  Sorry ladies but this is still classic he said/she said.  I believe you.  The guy just plain looks shifty. But there are simply not enough numbers to back you up.  Blame the math.

Point two.  Two female plaintiffs.  OK.  the gals have something here.  This is enough to consider the defendant guilty.  But still.  It’s not enough to label  him totally repugnant.  Of course the charge must be considered also.  Pedophilia would be a deal breaker here.  I would have to throw in beastiality too.  Geezuz what’s wrong with this guy.

Point three.  Three female plaintiffs.  This guy is pushing the envelope. Likewise he has likely  been pushing himself up against a number of young ladies who do not appreciate it.  He could stand some counseling.  Starting to migrate into Creepyville here.

Point four.  Four female plaintiffs.  You got this guy by the balls, and not in a way he is usually dreaming about.   He deserves all the dick-deflating repercussions that come his way.  Take him for all he’s worth ladies.

Point five.  Five female plaintiffs.  Are you kidding me?  This has  deviant predatory behavior stamped all over it.  What I suggest here is breaking out an updated scarlet letter.   What must adorn this guy whenever he is out and about in public is a shirt which has inscribed upon it a huge letter “P” -for perv.  Make that a hair-shirt.

Point six.  Six female plaintiffs.  I don’t know what to say.  Honest to god my entire gender apologizes for this. This guy is total pond scum. House arrest should definitely be considered.

Point seven.  WTF!  This needs to go no further.  Anything over six- LOCK HIM UP!! This piece of shit should have his testicles revoked.  You can bet for every charge on record  there are a couple that go unreported. It’s time to step up now gals.  Strike while the iron’s hot.  It’s his crushed nuts on your ice cream.  

So there you have it.  Graph this out and as you will see that point where a man crosses over into definable despicable behavior is around the 2.8 point.   You do know how to plot an “L” graph I hope?  Geezuz Kreist it’s not that hard.  Just draw a big “L” and label the two lines.  Trust me it will all come into focus.  And keep in mind this criteria is for for past behavior.  What is on the horizon is zero tolerance.  Guys, in the future plan on getting totally fucked if you are anywhere close to crossing this pre- “MeToo” demarcation..  And by fucked I mean that literally- by your psychotic 270 pound cell mate.

Which somehow brings me to a second thought I have.  Where in the hell was all this contemptuous gyno-energy during the presidential campaign?   I’ll admit I can’t figure out women, but I will never understand how a man exhibiting this type of aberrant behavior and running for president of the United States failed to light the fire.  Sadly it seems if Harvey Weinstein just would have been ratted out in the summer of 2016, there would have been a far different presidential outcome and the country would be significantly better off for it.

Which brings me to my third thought.  Actually it is more a suggestion.  I think this movement needs some internal housekeeping, a cleansing within your own ranks.  Please go find that woman wearing the “Trump can grab my pussy” tee.  She needs some serious counseling from your organization.

SHARE IF YOU DARE!

My wife recently attended the National Art Education Association Conference in NY City.  Like me, she is retired.  Unlike me, she enjoys staying involved in her profession.  There are a number of pharmacy related conferences here and there that if I wished I could attend as a retired pharmacist.  Doesn’t interest me in the least.  My wife really has fun during her sojourns though.  She finds the speakers entertaining and topics educational.  She visits art museums and so forth, and usually has a small group of fellow teachers to commiserate with while touring and dining.  I heard from a reliable source that during this recent  trip my wife and her friends liked to frequent a particular restaurant for its “attentive service,”  provided by some steroid sculptured guy by the name of  Adrian. If I find out he was passing out anything other than free tiramisu I will be making a special trip to NY myself.

When she got home my wife showed me the pictures she took on her i-phone and we had various discussions about her trip- her shitty airline experiences, the NY cuisine she sampled, the art museums, and- Peter Yarrow.  No shit.  He was headlining in her hotel ballroom I guess.  You remember Peter Yarrow.  Peter, Paul and Mary.  Geezuz I wonder how old that guy is?  I know Mary is dead.  Not sure about Paul.  Anyway Peter sang all the hits- ‘Blowin’ in the Wind,’ ‘If I had a Hammer,’ ‘Puff the Magic Dragon.’ etc.

Peter, Paul and Mary (In this photo, L  to R, Peter, Mary and Paul, although it could be Paul, Mary and Peter.  I’m forever getting those two guys mixed up)

I always wondered what happened to little Jackie Paper.  He kind of shit on his dragon friend Puff, just discarded his friendship like a self-centered, rebellious teen sometime does.  I’m not sure I believe it, but I’ll take Peter’s word that Puff is still alive.   However as with Paul, I began to wonder if Jackie Paper was still living.  My wife kind of had her head up her ass and didn’t think to ask Peter, but in her defense, once she heard the story of Puff and Jackie again she got terribly upset and left the premises in tears.

I could never find out how to get ahold of Peter Yarrow myself, but I have some pretty good sources I use to do personal research, a couple of which have that new microwave surveillance technology.   ‘Somebody’ and ‘Heard Around’ are two of my favorites, as well as Rightbart.   Well you won’t believe it but I found out that little prick Jackie just up and  ran away from home and really got into trouble.  Broke his parent’s hearts.  It’s not like he bolted from an abusive environment or anything.  His parents, Doris and Harvey Paper, managed a very successful real estate business and gave the spoiled brat anything he wanted.  Christ how many kids have a fucking pet dragon?

Doris, Jackie, and Harvey in Happier Times

The story is Jackie hated his parents even as a young boy. No one really knows why. He started hatching a plot to kill them, and desperately tried to enlist the services of Puff. His thought was since Puff was a dragon he must have fire breathing capability so he could easily torch his parents house and either burn them alive or at least help destroy evidence after the heinous deed was done. When Puff informed Jackie that the fire breathing gene was absent in his species, he became enraged and, at the age of 16, that’s when he left home.

Jackie wandered the streets for a couple of years before joining the Klan and a motorcycle gang and then spent five years in jail for armed robbery.  When he got out, he embarked on a really bad acid trip that initiated a series of psychotic episodes involving childhood flashbacks.  Evidently at some point the bad chemicals surging through his brain triggered hallucinogenic instructions to go finish what was yet undone, so he traveled back to his childhood home, murdered his aged parents, and set their house on fire.  He is presently in prison serving a life sentence for first degree murder and arson.

1984 Photo of Jackie Paper

Though Peter Yarrow still features the song ‘Puff the Magic Dragon’ in most of his concerts, I found out during my research that if you ever press him about anything related to Jackie Paper’s personal life he will immediately walk away without comment.  I thought you’d like to know.