I don’t know about you but the public Cohen hearings were pretty much what I expected. There didn’t seem to be too many things revealed that we didn’t already know, or at least didn’t suspect the leader of the free world capable of doing in his past, marginally legal, exercises of freedom.  There was one glaring WTF moment for me though.   Who in the hell normally goes about strong-arming the administrators of educational institutions to  conceal personal academic records?  Who does that?

I have always wondered about Trump’s educational background.  He has asserted that he was a brilliant student who was admitted to the most prestigious schools and claims to always “have the best words.” That all seems discordant with mere observation.   His political rallies are excruciatingly painful for me to watch, always overflowing with disjointed dialog and blatant fabrication.  I can not imagine how anyone would be able to sit through that 2 hour CPAC speech he gave the other day.  For me exposure to a Trump speech, particularly an unscripted one, inconveniently reminds me of my childhood trip with my family to the Minneapolis Zoo, where we had the awkward experience of witnessing a large Kodiak bear perform a rather astonishingly acrobatic but nonetheless disturbing act of auto fellatio.  Realizing that image might be difficult to explain to his children or possibly traumatize us, my father quickly whisked us away and created distraction with  the promise of something much more interesting in the next enclosure.   That next enclosure for me nowadays is the next channel I hit with my TV remote whenever I am exposed to  a Trump political rally speech.

But now  I can’t help but wonder what his past teachers are thinking (although admittedly most are probably contemplating from a world of an unfathomable distance).   Do they feel remorse, like they might have had something to do with this mess?  Have some felt threatened, now that we know about the extreme measures the president will take to insure his SAT scores and grades are never revealed?  How insecure is this guy anyway?  When something that small bothers a man with power and money, you have to wonder what he is capable of doing in a true crisis.

From the short news clips of his time-tortured CPAC speech that I saw, it is obvious Trump is anticipating the worst, and is already setting up the next catchword that he will be gas lighting his followers with during future rallies. It is  a word he inserted into that contorted speech-  “bullshit.”  When the unflattering revelations start peeling away from the monumental number of upcoming investigations concerning him, that is the word the president will be expecting his adoring crowd to chant.  No doubt his die hard supporters will be more than happy to oblige.  Uncannily, for them there is never anything perplexing or embarrassing about a Trump political rally.  It is entertainment, a virtual one-man extreme circus, where the trapeze artist deliberately miscalculates, the fire-breather self immolates,  a large, omnivorous creature  auto-eroticizes, and the ringmaster orchestrates with clownish gestures and fantastical exhibitions of slight of hand.

Trump is probably a little desperate for a catchword, but I am not so sure” bullshit” isn’t a sound bite that won’t come back to bite him.  After all, look at what has become of the great dealmaker.  Where there was once a 25 billion dollar offer from congress for his border wall, he bewilderingly managed to negotiate the figure downward to somewhere between zero and 5 billion. The U.S. trade gap jumped to a 10 year high and the gap with China just broke the all time record.   Kim Jong Un teed up the president’s overture of love and gave it a swift kick in the balls.   To the president’s dismay the pipe dream of a Nobel Prize has vaporized.  Knowing his SAT score must have been so bad his college admittance likely hinged  on a generous parental donation to the university building fund, and now that there is nothing utilitarian about a chant of NO-BEL, NO-BEL, NO-BEL, might I offer this as a suggestion for a Trump catchword:  BOO-BY, BOO-BY, BOO-BY.

Perhaps a Prize Like This Might  Bolster the President’s Spirits

 

 

 

I can not deny I have become numb to the endless stream of grifting and corruption that  flows through the administration of our sitting president.  The blatant unscrupulousness of many of Trump’s cabinet members would have crushed the reputation of any previous president.  But Labor Secretary Alexander Acosta surrounds Trump with a particular odorous stench.  Once again here we go with the obvious questions of how long will Acosta hang on to his job and of course how does the man who says he only hires the best defend the appointment of someone who is guilty of unprofessional conduct in defending a pedophile?

I won’t waste time with sordid details.  Just google Jeffrey Epstein.  You’ll be exposed to articles like this.  Jeffery Epstein Explained 

Here’s a Trump quote from a 2002 article in New York Magazine:

“I’ve known Jeff for fifteen years. Terrific guy,” Trump told New York Magazine for a 2002 profile of Epstein. “He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it — Jeffrey enjoys his social life.”

Trump, as well as Bill Clinton, associated with this creep.   The overriding question for me, once again,  is with all the baggage this president has why would he want to subject himself to the personal scrutiny that was bound to develop by running for president of the United States in the first place?  Here we are again with another head scratching example of that very history.  Is this another attempt to somehow cover up yet another scandal?   A normal president would have some explaining to do here.  But as we have seen, the Trump presidency is anything but normal.  What we can expect is more of the same- just another day at the Trump office.

 

 

 

In response to several media inquiries about the assessment and policy conflicts  he has had with various members of his intelligence community, President Trump stated emphatically that there was no place for intelligence in his administration.  “I have a huge, magnificent brain that knows lots of stuff.  My brain knows more about everything than anybody else’s brain.  I don’t want any kind of intelligence cluttering things up in there,” the president asserted.

 

 

During his address to the Evangelical Leaders Conference yesterday, Vice President Mike Pence reminded the attendees that it was St. Thomas Aquinas Day, and revealed that President Trump very much admires the saint. The vice president went on to say that it was obvious to him that    President Trump shares many of the holy man’s attributes.  “St. Thomas Aquinas was one of the most influential scholars of his time,” the vice president remarked.  “He spent most of his life  in constant reflection of prevailing thought and available documents to formulate his religious philosophy, much like the president does to fine tune his ideology.  I know for a fact President Trump spends hours studying his reflected image in any available flat object that is capable of reflection, and I have seen him drop everything so he can devote his full attention to any magazine cover that has his picture on it.”

Recalling the recent ingratiating comparison Vice President Pence made  on the eve of Martin Luther King Day between President Trump and the renowned civil rights leader, vice presidential aide Malcom Melvish suggested the nation might be in store for even more spectacular groveling and mystifying  puzzlement from the VP this upcoming President’s Day . VP Pence Compares Trump to MLK

 

 

During an interview yesterday Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross said he did not understand why so many unpaid federal employees were failing to take advantage of their drained bank accounts.  “These people don’t seem to understand that just because they are not getting their checks in the mail doesn’t mean they don’t have any money,” Mr. Ross pointed out. “They should use their heads and confuse their mortgage holders and utility providers and so forth by telling them they have nothing to worry about because there are way better days ahead.  Why there was a  time or two when my own bank account dwindled to the seven figure mark  and I really had to apply myself and construct some complicated paperwork so I could get into someone else’s bank account.” The Unbridled Grifting of Wilbur Ross

  Secretary Ross – Could possibly help you make a little extra cash if you don’t mind skirting SEC regulations 

Also willing to pitch in with encouragement for the furloughed employees was Eric Trump’s wife Lara, who is the president’s campaign advisor. Commenting on Bold TV,  Mrs. Trump expressed  heartfelt detachment for those just scraping by, telling the viewing audience that the little bit of pain they were experiencing would be well worth it in the long run.  “Your small sacrifices are just what this country needs right now.  For the security and good of the nation it is your patriotic duty to see that our great president’s  campaign promise is fulfilled, no matter how dubiously useful or ill conceived.”  Mrs. Trump obligingly shook hands with the television crew and then quickly exited so she could meet Eric for lunch at Le Bernardin.

  Lara and Eric Trump- pictured here trying to decide which route offers the fastest ascent to the third floor of their humble home

 

 

Among the items in the infamous shoebox discovered after President Trump’s sudden White House departure was a letter from Steve Bannon dated 1/4/2019.  It’s content follows:

Dear Mr President,

In the interest of secrecy I decided to write this letter instead of calling you since there is a pretty good chance your personal phone is still unsecured,   Can’t be too careful 🙂  It looks like this government shut down thing is log-jammed and as usual I’m here to help.  As you pointed out there is no way you are going to look the fool over all of this wall business and believe me you should not concern yourself with that worry as that bridge was crossed a long, long time ago.  I have to tell  you though the way out of this mess is just staring you in the face.

As we discussed so many times we need a wall.  No doubt.  Case closed.  I can’t quite remember when I came up with the idea that Mexico will pay for it, but WOW!  Was that something.  The way those crowds got a boner over that.  Holy shit!  Well I have a confession to make.  I know I told you that was a thing.  But I sort of yanked that idea straight out of my ass.   I know I should have told you right away I was just pulling your leg, but dog gone it you really caught me off guard when you suddenly  heaped all that praise on me for my brilliance.  Please consider my position at that moment.  I certainly didn’t want to offend you and mention only a lobotomized monkey would fall for that. And then holy crapola the way all those people at your rallies bought into that whopper. I guess for some people getting a 25 billion dollar wall for free makes perfect sense  somehow.  Everything just snowballed, and what the fuck was I supposed to do?  How was I supposed to know how badly our public education system had cratered out?

So, I’m really sorry.  I’m sorry too about the rude way you found out I was jerking your chain.  I have to say when Vicente Fox told you to go fuck yourself I was appalled.  That’s no way for any  Mexican president or president of any country to talk.  I suspect that’s what led you to show me the door, right?  No hard feelings, OK?

Anyway.  This shut down is starting to take a toll I believe.  Sure there are a million people pretty pissed off at you for not cutting their payroll checks.  But have you been outside lately?  The stink from the garbage piling up outside the National Mall is starting to whiff  over to my apartment.  But you have a way out of this. It’s simple.  You do what you do best- lie your ass off.

OK. So you fucked up and told the American public you are going to build a wall AND Mexico is going to pay for it.  Right off the promise is broken.  It’s a lose-lose for you at this point.  You potentially broke a promise.  There can be no wall unless Mexico pays for it- you sure don’t want to stick the tax-paying public with a 25 billion dollar bill when you promised you’d work some of your fancy dealing magic and dun Mexico.  Seems you got your ass in a jam here.  But no way Jose.  The man in charge is Donald  J Trump and don’t you forget that!  You got caught in a lie.  What do you do?  You do exactly what you always do- you tell another lie of course!

What you do is get out your cell phone and start tweeting.  You tell everybody Mexico’s new president Lopez Obrador has never told you to fuck off like the past two presidents of that country have, so obviously he is on board with wall funding.  You say Jared just got back from Mexico City where he was finalizing the deal, and President Lopez Obrador’s message he asked Jared to relay is “fuck off Donald” and so there you have it that guy is a lying piece of shit and you knew in your gut you should have never trusted him and besides murderers and rapists Mexicans are a bunch of dishonest, lying two faced beaners.  Sorry America. I tried.  That’s the way it is.  Mexico said it would pay, now no way.  That’s exactly why we can’t have them in our country.  Lock your doors momma because here comes MS 13.

I hope 2019 is as successful as last year, although I’m not sure accumulating  an unfathomable number of presidential lawsuits is the way I would go about creating a legacy.  But you are the great disrupter so stick to your guns my friend.  Happy New Year!

Always your servant

Steve Bannon

PS  Just a thought, but if you don’t want to give up on  wall proposals maybe start spitballing   ideas for a southern Florida sea-wall.  Water is seeping into my beach front condo and not sure if you heard but there are a couple of fairways at Mar a Largo that  at high tide are now only a foot above sea level.

PPS  Please remember to destroy this letter after reading

 

 

 

That mysterious illness that has afflicted President Trump has finally been explained.  As reported earlier last week, the president has had to cancel or cut short a number of meetings, group photo sessions and conference calls, not to mention interrupt important television viewing due to an undisclosed ailment.   White House staffers have remained tight-lipped about the situation, but this morning reporters were able to contact the president’s personal physician, Dr. Harold Bornstein.

Dr. Bornstein said that the condition was initially presumed to be a form of stomach  poisoning brought on by some bad burritos the president got ahold of in Buenos Aires during the G20 summit.  But after medical observation of the president for a few days, it has been determined he has a peculiar form of irritable bowl syndrome.  It seems that it is all related to the unconventional use of his gut.  Apparently the president was born with an intestinal tract that is capable of performing many of the decision-making tasks ordinarily delegated to the human brain.  Trump’s Insightful Gut.  “Imagine tossing down six pieces of KFC,  three helpings of mashed potatoes and gravy, a huge, beautiful piece of chocolate cake and a couple of diet Cokes and then asking  the organs responsible for digesting all of that to deliberate the pros and cons of a U.S. ground invasion of Iran.  You have to figure over time the entire alimentary canal is bound to get pretty over-taxed.  It all just finally caught up with hm,” Dr. Bornstein pointed out.

One of the main triggers of the president’s condition is what Dr. Bornstein labeled “Muelleritis.”  As the doctor explained the syndrome, the mere mention of the special prosecutor’s name now precipitates an unpleasant urgency to surge  through President Trump’s bowels and he must  drop everything he is doing in order to attend to his distress.

Though things seem a bit dire for the president at the moment, Dr. Bornstein is optimistic of a positive outcome.  A dedicated team of medical professionals, which includes an internist, a gastroenterologist, and two psychiatric specialists, is working around the clock to  develop a personal exercise regimen for the president  that will help him train his gut to shift cognitive tasks it is presented with upward to his brain, where they are more traditionally dealt with.  Dr. Bornstein said the ticket to a complete recovery is making sure the president adheres to medical advisory updates, cuts his twelve hour work week in half, gets plenty of bed rest and follows a strict diet of Fox News,

 

 

 

 

The Entire “Cognition Reformatting Cadre” Will Confer With the President Twice Weekly to Monitor his  Progress

 

 

 

 

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