Yesterday the Bureau of Labored Statistics (BLdS)  issued its annual report, and  there were some  interesting  conclusions included that had never before surfaced during any previous study.  One of the figures that has caught the attention of political observers is the “obfuscation” number, or “Oh!” number, as it is commonly called.  As it relates to current politics, the study included only those people who adamantly support the president, and the “Oh!” number is simply the average number of times it takes President Trump to say something before a typical supporter of his believes it.  Somewhat surprisingly that figure turned out to be 3.5.

Until this recent report was issued, most political pundits were under the impression that the president only had to mention something once and his core followers would accept it as dogma.  That the report concludes the official number is over three times  what had previously been assumed is something that caught the White House by surprise.  When asked about the anomaly at a press conference, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders noted that the number 3.5 was an average of the results.  “Believe me the minute the president says something, the really smart people pick it up right away,” said the press secretary.  “Look, I’m not saying all the other people are dumb or anything. There are a number of reasons someone might not catch on as quickly as others.   A lot of folks are old and maybe they might not hear too well.  Maybe they like to check with Sean Hannity before they draw a conclusion.  Look, 3.5 seems like a ridiculously high number to me but the important thing is in the end people know the mainstream media is always lying, and most important of all is that once you become one of the president’s believers you will always be able to understand the truths he speaks of, and the miseries of your life will completely vanish, and when you die you will go straight to heaven.”

BLdS administrator Stanley Grossman did point out that during the survey there was a very consistent finding that tended to skewer the outcome towards the large number.  He called it the “Giulliani Factor.” Grossman stated that when  the survey participants were shown  various pictures of prominent administration spokespersons, those of Rudy Giuliani elicited  a perplexingly  wide range of responses.  Grossman attributes that to the confusion Mr. Guilliani created with some of his statements that completely contradicted the president’s positions.   48% of the survey remarks about Mr. Guilliani were along the lines of “Doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground.”  (Interestingly, that was the exact phrase used by 31% of those surveyed).  However, 37 % said something to the effect of “Huh? I’m not sure but I think the president said he always went to Lake Tahoe for a religious retreat, not to meet porn stars, so I’ll check with Fox News for the real story.” The remaining 15% generally asserted that Mr. Giulliani should seriously consider having some dental work done.

Mr. Grossman admitted  that much of the survey was probably taken before Mr. Guilliani had a full grasp of  President Trump’s creative methods  of explaining facts. “It takes courage and someone with a strong stomach to go on national television and claim to believe a typical Trump truth.” Grossman stated.  “But it looks like Mr. Guilliani is finally getting the hang of it, and  it’s  my opinion that by the time our survey is taken next year, the Guilliani factor will be immaterial.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Oh! number pretty close to a perfect 1.Oh!.”

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The Mueller investigation isn’t all bad news for President Trump.  In fact, recent disclosures during the past week have caught the attention of the president’s supporters and he has astutely  taken advantage of the situation.  Things started to unexpectedly turn in the president’s favor when two witches who were arrested last week decided to “flip” and spill their guts.  During intense interrogation of the suspects rounded up in what is being labeled as the “witch hunt arm” of the investigation, witches Desdemona Dark and Bovina Dudd  disclosed some startling information.

Both witches more or less confirmed that indeed, as the president suspected, there likely was a spy implanted in the Trump presidential campaign. Though neither of the witches knows for certain if the spy they are referring to is a government agent, both are positive something even more sinister is involved.   They contend that the spy is a male witch.   Known to them only by the name of “Shadow,”  the two women stated they had attended several sorceror conventions and retreats together and at first both judged him to be an upstanding and first rate witch.  As time progressed however, they felt he was “completely out of sorts” and” just not right.”

According to Dark and Dudd, early in the 2016 presidential campaign Mr. Shadow met Kellyanne Conway at a political rally and was immediately attracted to her.  Thinking she had the potential to become his perfect companion in love as well as sorcery, flirtation evolved into fixated infatuation.  Initially spurned by Mrs. Conway, Mr. Shadow pursued her relentlessly.  The day before the Indiana primary in May of 2016, Dudd and Dark were deep in the forrest collecting frogs and newts, when they ran into Mr. Shadow at a favorite bog.  That is when the two female witches become suspicious of Mr. Shadow’s intentions.  He inadvertently revealed that he was looking for a  particular species of serpent’s tongue, and that was an immediate tip-off that he was concocting a spell- binding love potion called a  philtre.  Dark and Dudd became exceedingly alarmed, for philtre’s are strictly forbidden in modern sorcery.

Witches Dark and Dudd at a Recent Fetish Auction 

Attending to their caldron one afternoon a month later, Dark and Dudd’s worst fears were confirmed.  While they were watching a televised news clip of a Trump campaign rally in New Jersey, they both are certain they saw Mr. Shadow and Mrs. Conway holding hands off stage.  Although using a philtre as a means to achieve romantic conquest is what Dunn and Dark found primarily disturbing, what Representative Devin Nunes uncovered is what is politically and criminally relevant.

Upon investigating Mr. Shadow’s background, Congressman Nunes heard from an undisclosed source who heard it from another guy that when Mr. Shadow’s father was a child, he would eat nothing but Post Toasties, a breakfast cereal  which at that time had published on the back side of the box information that enticed the nation’s children to join the “Junior G-Mens club,” an organization created to promote youth law enforcement interest, but was eventually revealed to be a surreptitious tool for future FBI recruitment.  Not only that, Nunes has almost absolute proof that Mr. Shadow himself at one time told a grade-school acquaintance that when he grew up he was going to be an FBI agent- or a fireman.  Nunes is convinced this damning information proves there was an FBI connection.  In light of that and the reported witch misconduct, Nunes is convinced that the regular arm of the Mueller investigation is corrupt and is demanding it’s dissolution.

Shortly after this startling story broke, investigative authorities launched an intensive search for Mr. Shadow, but can find no trace of the mysterious witch.  Though Mrs. Conway stated she knows Mr. Shadow, she regards him as just a casual acquaintance and has denied culpability. She has been asked to take a temporary leave of absence however.

Anyone who knows the whereabouts of Mr. Shadow (pictured at left) is asked to contact their local police department  

Seizing unexpected opportunity, President Trump has been sending a barrage of tweets the past few days, each condemning all those who served in the FBI and/or engaged in witchcraft  during the Obama administration, as well as assuring his dedicated followers that sometimes a witch hunt isn’t so bad.

President Trump’s attorney Rudy Giuliani wasted no time to point out the obvious.  “To paraphrase our great President Lincoln,” Mr. Guilliani stated during his Fox News interview yesterday, “you can fool some of the people all the time, all the people some of the time, but you can never fool our base.  We know what’s going on here and it’s spying.  And a witch spy, well that’s unheard of.  That’s as low as it gets.  Who knows what spells and hexes are floating around now. Sometimes, you know I get these feelings, like I just feel– off.  For no reason.  Could that witch be responsible?  Maybe.  Like whenever I say some of that stupid stuff that makes President Trump look like a Russian lackey or a lecherous whoremonger.  You have to think there is a good chance it’s the work of the witches.  I tell you they are up to no good.”

Related Story: FBI Nabs Coven of Witches

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In what has to be considered an unlikely turn of events, the FBI announced today it has apprehended a coven of witches.  FBI Assistant Director Charles Moots stated the department became interested in pursuing the witch angle after repeated suggestions from President Trump, and it has been conducting secret investigations for several months.  “The president kept insisting we had this witch hunt thing going on, and at first we weren’t sure what he had in mind.   We certainly didn’t want it to look like the department wasn’t doing it’s job, so we had a team of agents look into it,” Mr. Moots reported. The assistant director singled out agent Herb Badgeman  for his insightful investigative work.  “Agent Badgeman spent a lot of his free time researching the habits of witches, and obviously it paid off,” Moots stated.

   Left: Coven of Witches Arrested in City Park

Agent Badgeman certainly had an interesting story to tell.   “My partner and I were just sitting on a bench in Montrose Park, when I noticed a bunch of flies circling a pile of plucked bats next to a garbage can.  Like all crime investigations you just have to know what to look for.  We followed the trail of dead, eyeless newts, toeless frogs and various other mutilated amphibians and that led us to the witches hiding in the forrest.  We got there just in time.  They wouldn’t admit it but I’m certain they were about to carve up the puppies they had concealed in the woods.  I am very well aware one of the things witches spice up their caldron of stew with is dog tongue,” Badgeman emphasized.

Mr. Moots had high praise for President Trump.  “Without the president’s dogged persistence we never would have cracked this case,” Moots proclaimed.

And Mr. Moots was not the only one passing out accolades to President Trump.  In appreciation for saving the lives of all those puppies, the national organization of the ASPCA ceremoniously presented to the president a commemorative plaque that recognized his contribution to the prevention of crime and animal cruelty, as well as the unacceptable practices of the occult.  The award was delivered by none other than McGruff the crime dog.

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from BUSINESS WEEK UPDATE

The Trump Organization recently announced it will add a pornography segment to the conglomerate’s burgeoning portfolio.  With all the salacious revelations that continue to swirl about President Trump regarding his involvement with a virtual cavalcade of actresses in the adult film industry, acting company executive Donald Trump Jr. was questioned about the timing of this decision.  “Frankly when any normal person analyzes the details here, it’s obvious this is a business opportunity that anyone would take advantage of,” he stated.  Pointing to the almost endless list of windfalls that have fallen into the lap of the company since the president’s inauguration, Donald Jr. seemed perplexed that there would be any implication of impropriety.  “Is this really any different than our company using our political position to rake in astronomical profits from our hotels and rental properties?” Donald Jr. confidently commented.

Donald Jr. went on to outline some specifics of the company’s strategy.  Regarding his father’s sordid reputation, he made it clear the news media was once again deliberately engaging in distorted journalism.  “As always the fake news out there is painting a picture of a glass half empty.  If anything this is a glass half full situation.  In fact, the glass is overflowing with a robust, foamy froth” was how Donald Jr. described the venture.  To make his point, he once again mentioned how successful the company was in the past by leveraging the prestige of his father’s political position with the Trump brand.  By aligning that operating principle with the connection the president has to a vast  assortment of members of the adult film industry,  it became glaringly obvious to Trump management that any Trump Organization entry into the pornography industry had enormous potential for profit and company growth.

Donald Jr. stated that it was the president’s personal attorney, Michael Cohen, who came up with the idea of testing the pornography industry waters.  “It all started with my father’s uncontrollable urge to help those in need.” Donald Jr. stated.  “My dad would be at a gathering and he would immediately be able to spot someone who is suffering silently.  Something about those people always catches his attention,  like, something  really sticks out.  As is typical of his generous nature, he then had Mr. Cohen send them a $130,000 check.  As happens sometimes, the word  got out what a softie my father is and pretty soon Mr. Cohen found himself writing one $130,000 check after another.  When he discovered that these poor people were coincidentally all involved in the adult film business, that’s when Mr. Cohen insightfully recognized opportunity,  Basically he made it clear to our organization that it made a lot more sense to instill dignity in the lives of these people by having them come and work for our company instead of accepting $130,000 hand-outs.”

When asked to comment, Mr. Cohen humbly stated that it is the president that deserves most of the credit for the company’s bold move.  “President Trump is constantly eyeballing attractive opportunities and is not afraid to grab the goods.  These acquisitions are just another example of how he maximizes his bang for the buck.”  The comment triggered questions about capital disbursements, but Mr. Cohen stated he was not privy to that information.  However he did mention that it was nice that he now could finally quit asking for $130,000 extensions on his home equity loan.

Here are just a few adult titles that will soon be labeled with the Trump brand

I was recently in St. George Utah and ran into Orrin Hatch.  It was one of those random things that just happens.  Just a quirky coincidence.  My mother lives in St. George and I was there to pay her a visit.  She had been in the hospital, then in a rehab facility, then after a few days there she ended up right back in the hospital, and then after a couple days she was back in rehab, for a month.  She is 98 years old.  I flew out the day after she was discharged from the rehab facility to help her celebrate the return to her assisted living apartment, and take notes on what I have to look forward to.

My brother and sister were there also.  As a family we like to go all out when we get together, so we took mom to Chuck-O-Rama for dinner.  My brother was wearing an arm sling because he had recently torn a rotator cuff, and we got to comparing our various ailments- my cataract surgery coming up, my sister’s migraines, and we also touched on some of the past and upcoming orthopedic and cardio-vascular surgeries of our spouses as well as our own, the usual dinner table conversation.  And in walks Orrin Hatch!  No kidding.  At Chuck-O-Rama.  Orrin Hatch had recently announced his upcoming retirement, and I suppose he was out celebrating himself.  Go figure!

 Utah Senator Orrin Hatch

All through our meal I kept glancing over at Orrin Hatch.  He was dining at a table not far from ours.  He seemed to be enjoying his pork spare ribs, mashed potatoes and lime jello, which coincidentally were the exact items I had selected from the buffet myself.  I felt that was an indication that we must have some sort of bond, and obviously when he made that statement awhile back about President Trump being the best president in the nation’s history, it was an unintentional mistake.  Likely it was just one of  those off the cuff remarks politicians are prone to make that they later regret.  Maybe the televised video I saw was technologically altered by a political opponent.  They can do that you know.

My curiosity got the best of me and I went over to his table to say hello and then I asked him right off if he really felt President Trump was the best president ever.  At first he sort of hemmed and hawed and really tried his best to avoid giving a definite answer. Well you better know political song and dance like that just doesn’t fly with me.  I had always thought Orrin Hatch was a decent and sensible man, and it just didn’t make sense that he would say anything so stupid as President Trump is the best president ever.  I became insistent that he give me a straight answer.  I don’t put up with vaguery when it comes to important issues.  The country would be way better off if we got these guys to quit with the bull shit is how I feel.

Well he got huffy-like with me and son of a bitch if he didn’t come right out and say yes, President Trump was the best president ever.  I said there was no way he could actually mean that, and he just doubled down and said absolutely President Trump was the best president ever.  I asked him then if Trump is number one in his book, who in the hell made his top ten list- Nixon, Harding, Hoover, Buchanan, who?  He got even more unhinged and said of course not those guys.  His greats were Lincoln, Washington, FDR, Kennedy, and I just cut him off and said he was a real know-nothing asshole if he put that piece of shit Trump in that kind of company.

Orrin Hatch then got all uppity and started yelling at me and said I was the real asshole and told me to go sit down, so naturally I shoved his face into the mashed potatoes on his plate.  It was no big deal.  I mean the gravy wasn’t like, steaming or anything.  But out of nowhere one of his goons started attacking me, swinging away with the handle end of her cane, and that’s when my brother bolted out of his chair and dropped her to the floor with his bad shoulder.  He let out a horrible scream that startled poor mom and she  must have passed out or something because the next thing you know both she and my brother were headed to the hospital in an ambulance and I was being carted off to jail.

So here I am, waiting for my sister to bail me out.  It might be awhile because she felt it was important to follow the ambulance to the hospital and make sure mom was taken care of properly.  She has no idea how bad it sucks in here.  I am sure mom is better off than me.  I am surrounded by hispanics that I imagine are being held for deportation.  That’s not the bad part.  They seem nice enough, but it’s the television programming.  I should say program.  You only get one- Fox News.  Not all my cell-mates can see the TV, but absolutely everyone can hear it.  As some sort of propaganda agenda the people in charge here relentlessly blast Fox News day and night just to make sure all the hispanics understand they are not welcome in Utah.  And of course Fox News cuts with a double edge when it carves into any hispanic brain.  As anyone knows, if you aren’t totally committed or conditioned to it, after a constant 24 hours of Fox News, hispanic or otherwise you are begging to be deported.  Wearing a hair shirt and having someone shove a Louisville Slugger up your ass while you’re being waterboarded is more humane.

So I’ve got some time on my hands to prepare my defense.  I have to do this all in my head since they won’t give me a pen to write with, but I’m pretty sharp and remember stuff that you might fuck up and forget.  But in this case there is really not a whole lot of memory work involved.  Here is Orrin Hatch’s top five list of U.S. presidents:

  5. PRESIDENT- John F. Kennedy       IMPORTANT ACCOMPLISHMENTS-   Faced down Russia during Cuban missile crisis and avoided nuclear war     FAMOUS QUOTE:  Ask not what your country can do for you–ask what you can do for your country.

  4. PRESIDENT- Franklin D. Roosevelt     IMPORTANT ACCOMPLISHMENTS-  Was elected unprecedented four times and steered country through the Great Depression and WW Two    FAMOUS QUOTE:  The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

  3. PRESIDENT- George Washington   IMPORTANT ACCOMPLISHMENTS-  Revolutionary war hero and father of country and established many forms of government that survive today    FAMOUS QUOTE:  If freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter

  2.  PRESIDENT- Abraham Lincoln    IMPORTANT ACCOMPLISHMENTS- Abolished slavery and led Union to victory in the American Civil War    FAMOUS QUOTE:  Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth

  1. PRESIDENT- Donald J. Trump    IMPORTANT ACCOMPLISHMENTS- Signed tax bill that added a staggering 1.5 trillion dollars to national debt and significantly widened wealth inequality in the U.S.  Eliminated regulations that had previously restricted gun sales to the mentally incompetent as well as many that prevented corporate environmental pollution and financial industry malfeasance   FAMOUS QUOTE:  Grab ’em by the pussy

It’s pretty black and white.  This evidence is so damning if Orrin Hatch thinks he can pull a fast one with some flimsy charges against me he’s going to get laughed right out of the courtroom.

HAPPY PRESIDENTS DAY!

To all our fellow, loyal Republican friends:

As you might have heard, President Trump has placed the Pentagon on red alert and asked the people in charge over there to fast track a mobilization of tanks, missile launchers, heavy artillery, soldiers of every stripe and division, all active military bands and choral groups, along with coteries of the nations best high school baton twirlers, and a contingent of unemployed circus animals, and get it all strapped together and organized so the whole conglomeration can put on a nice performance and amuse him with a parade down Pennsylvania Avenue.

Well that would be just fine except that the stingy Freedom Caucus is getting all uptight and has refused to appropriate funding for the proposed gala event.  Those guys have their shorts in a bunch and say it’s just too expensive.  For some reason they think the gathering of an immense assortment of soldiers only to have them do nothing but march around is a big waste of time and tax dollars.  I say anything we can do to get them ready to march into Pyongyang is worth the effort.  Then they’re whining about having to resurface the streets of DC after all the tank traffic clears out. Tax dollars again.  That’s all they think about.  And they consider it to be unfair to have city sanitation workers sweep up all the elephant and tiger shit, mostly because it will be extra heavy  with all the chewed up concrete it will be entangled with.  I say without hard work nothing grows but weeds.

So that’s what we are dealing with.  Believe me you don’t want to be around when the president doesn’t get what he wants.  I don’t know how much longer housekeeping will put up with all the clean up that is required after one of his little outbursts.  I am being paid to think things through and come up with solutions.  So this is what I propose.

I know President Trump well, so I am aware a nice parade involving our military would be spectacular and his first preference.  But taking into consideration how tight fisted congress is, even though we all know this time next year the new corporate tax cuts will fill treasury department  coffers with money we won’t know what to do with, I really think we just might be able to make him happy with something a little less flamboyant.  Mardi Gras is just around the corner.  All we need to do is get him to New Orleans for the parade down there.  I know some of you think this fixation of his on a military parade pivots around all the show-offy stuff  Kim Jong-un does with his military extravaganzas, but I know for a fact it has little to do with that and everything to do with that damn Macron.

This obsession of his all started after his visit to France last year.  President Trump got all ginned up with his parade ideas after Macron pranced his soldiers down the Avenue des Champs-Elysees in front of our president. Macron knew damn well something so pompously shiny was bound to start the wheels turning in President Trump’s head.  To top it off, Ivanka got all google-eyed over Macron and that kind of thing just gets president Trump all in a stew.

Anyway, as everyone knows, quite a bit of froggy stuff goes on during Mardi Gras.  When their parade starts, we just need to get the president out on one of those French Quarter balconies so people can wave to him as they go by.  I know he’ll really like that.  I was down there a few years back and I can tell you it’s a pretty rowdy crowd.  Of course a lot of the cheering will be for the gals standing on the balcony across the street that take their tops off, but I can’t think of a better distraction for the president to dwell on.  He’ll be happy as a clam.

Now here’s the tricky part I need your help with.  You’ve probably heard Melania is not too happy with her husband.  She’s not about to fly with him to New Orleans or anywhere else she doesn’t have to, probably for quite awhile.  Maybe forever.  Believe me she is really pissed.  And there’s the rub.  All the naked jiggling and shaking of this and that is bound to get the president and his tic-tac container all shook up.  I’ve contacted Stormy Daniels, and she says she’s one hundred percent on board to take care of things, but apparently she’s wised up a bit and won’t settle for a measly $130,000.  The going rate now is a cool million, so that’s what we have to come up with.

Won’t you please, please PLEASE help.  I don’t like this getting out, but I’m the one that flies under the radar and makes sure all things run smoothly.  Trust me.  This will work.  It’s got to.  You don’t know what it’s like when he gets mad.  But we have to act fast.  Really fast.  Mardi Gras is next week. I’m begging you. I can’t believe my boss stuck me with this job.   Please find it in your heart to give a generous donation.  Or anything.

__DONATE $1000     __ DONATE $500     __DONATE $100     __DONATE An Even Larger Amount

__I cannot donate at this time because I am an unpatriotic asshole

Sincerely:     Ken Groveling,  Junior Advisor to Senior Advisor Stephen Miller

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If you are truly pissed about the direction of our country, bitch to your congress person.  Look up their phone numbers.  This is bull shit.  Ask these people one simple question:  Taking into account all the important needs of our nation, in your opinion is it better to spend seventeen million dollars on:

A) a parade.                                                                                                                                                   B)  almost anything else a normal human brain is capable of imagining.

This is getting ridiculous.  Democracy is crumbling before our eyes.  It has never been more important to take the time to vote.  It is no longer appropriate to acknowledge it as just a privilege.  It has now become a civic imperative.

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