Cyber Ninja, the cybersecurity firm hired by Arizona Republicans to conduct their 2020 election re-audit of that states Maricopa County, is pulling out all the stops in order to get to the bottom of what is widely perceived in Republican circles to be incomprehensible- a legitimate Democrat victory. Convinced the American public understands that an election is only free and fair if Republicans win, Arizona Republicans have assigned the task of codifying this new, inovative interpretation of the US constitution to Cyber Ninja.
Though Cyber Ninja has absolutly no experience in elections, company CEO and “stop the steal” conspiracy promoter Doug Logan says that will be no impediment to competent execution of the work at hand. Logan stated his company has methods to thoroughly search for signs of fraud that are normally not conducted. Of particular concern to him are the pens filled with disappearing ink that he believes were handed out to Republican voters, and he is confident his knowleged of chemical subsances will facilitate reappearance of markings and detect any traces of lemon juice.
Logan has been even more vigilant in his dogged pursuit of the massive dump of Biden ballots by the Chinese goverment he is certain has occured. Critical to that exposer, Logan believes, is locating ballots embedded with bamboo filament specific to Chinese paper products. So far Logan has implemented the use of various lighting techniques, like untraviolet and fluorescent, but says he has not ruled out strobe or backlighting, indoor solar, black, or disco.
Though the rather unconvenional use of bamboo sniffing dogs proved to be a bust, starting this coming week Logan is stepping up that approach. It has emerged that he has clandestinely procured a couple of panda bears that he is certain will turn the tide. In the words of Mr. Logan, “We’ll just turn the pandas loose and let them go to work. Nothing will deter us from restoring America’s confidence in our electoral system.” Added Arizona Congressman Paul Gosar, ” It is critically important that people know they can always depend on the Republican Party to do what’s right for democracy by insuring every election has enough Republican votes to make it legitimate.”