As accumulating evidence keeps shattering President Trump’s arguments against impeachment one after another, a mystifying phenomenon is becoming alarmingly apparent- congressional Republicans have somehow lost the ability to locate their asses. Curiously, the anomaly is attributed to a somewhat bazaar reflexive response to seeing a hole in the ground. “It’s just weird,” one reporter stated. “Republicans exit a building and if they come across a hole in the ground, they just stand there all tensed up staring at it, often swirling a piece of paper in it for some reason. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
When Democratic Congressman Adam Schiff saw Republican Devin Nunes locked in a paralytic fixation with a hole in the ground, he said he did his best to reach out to him. “I said Devin, quit staring at that hole in the ground. That is not your ass! Your ass is right behind you. Just reach around with your hands and you’ll find it. Deep down you know you can do this!” After several minutes of futile instruction, Schiff said he threw up his hands and went to lunch.
One reporter said he became so concerned about Lindsey Graham he gave serious consideration to calling emergency health services “There was Lindsey, poking a stick in and out of a hole in the ground, and he wouldn’t even make the slightest attempt to find his ass. Not only did he refuse to believe any of my information, he said the hole he was prodding with that stick was working out just fine, and to fuck off because he wasn’t about to listen to anything I had to say anyway. Jesus I was only trying to be helpful.”
Longtime observers of Capital Hill affairs commented that the strange behavior is not at all unprecedented. According to them however, what is unusual is that it has so completely overwhelmed one political party. Many experienced people have expressed a fear that the resulting obstruction amongst so many Republicans not being able to distinguish their ass from a hole in the ground will precipitate an explosive situation.
“I don’t know about explosions,” said congressional record clerk Robert Noteman, “but I don’t advise lingering anywhere near a Republican caucus room right now. It can really stink in there.”
NOTE: Use of Metaphorical interpretive skills for this narrative, though advantageous, is not necessarily required.
And everyone, enjoy this holiday. I know President Trump issued a stern warning that there are liberal subversives roaming about with nothing better to do than insist on changing the name of today’s holiday from Thanksgiving to…Actually I don’t know, and the president doesn’t know, because typically enough Trump only told this blatant lie to stir up the people he was speaking to at a political rally. But rest assured there is no problem here. If you are one of Trump’s true believers, you know, just as he did with Christmas, saving holidays is in his wheelhouse and seems to be a thing you should be thankful for. And for the rest of us, we perfectly understand this man does not know his ass from a hole in the ground.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING