You remember Mars.  Celestially, it’s taken on water lately.  That’s a figure of speech mostly, but hot shots at NASA say there is now evidence that there is some water flowing around here and there on the Red Planet.  I don’t see how.  It’s minus 80 degrees up there from what I’ve read.  But smart people say Mars is our best shot at developing a human presence in space.  Let’s face it there might be something to that.  We are fucking up this planet so badly somebody has to start thinking outside the box.

The Red Planet

Scientists have long postulated there was once life on Mars.  For one thing, we’ve probed and circled Mars with some amazing technical machinery, enough to know there is nitrogen floating around on Mars.  That is absolutely essential to get life moving along.  And methane!  We found out that’s up there too.  I bet free range cows were roaming about at one time.  But what in the hell happened?  Smart money is on atmospheric degradation, and getting cold-cocked by some mighty big astroids and shit like that.  Sounds logical to me.

So what can we do?  We need a place to go, maybe sooner than you think, and Mars is starting to look pretty darned good. Elon Musk is all set to ship building materials to Mars in 2018, and thinks he will be set to send the initial colony of 100 people up there in 2021.  This is a really smart guy with lots of money, and I certainly wouldn’t want to tell him he’s full of shit..

But somehow things have gone to hell in a hand basket up there, so we need to send  a guy along with the stamina and balls to straighten things out.  There is no doubt in my mind that Donald Trump would be just the kind of man that can get the job done.  If things don’t pan out with the election down here, I know he would provide the type of leadership we need to govern a colony on Mars and establish normal relationships, like with important stuff such as the atmosphere and ambient temperature.  We know he can fix almost anything.  And think of it.  The first President of Mars!  I think he would go for that.

D. Trump has taken a lot of shit for not being exactly what you call ‘qualified’ for the job down here.  But Mars!  It’s like God planted him here for the specific purpose of overseeing this interplanetary mission.  He’s the Mars Messiah.  Look at his leadership qualities. For one thing, he’s a builder.  You’ve seen all the tall buildings with his name on it. Well actually a lot of those buildings don’t belong to Mr. Trump.  Outside of some environmentally raping golf courses, he’s kind of given up on building stuff.  That’s because a few years back he built a couple of plush casinos and somehow in the time it takes for the earth to complete one rotation around the sun he managed to flush the entire business down a gigantic, insolvent shit-hole.  After that astronomical billion dollar hit and four or five other bankruptcies later, he decided the best thing for him to do was not to worry about stiffing his lenders, stockholders and the tax-paying public and use the U.S. tax code to bail him out. A BILLION dollars.  That amounted to 2% of capital losses for the entire nation the tax year he claimed it. Talk about HUGE!

I know what you’re thinking.  How can a man with such a pathetically poor business record be capable of turning things around on Mars?  Easy.  I know it is almost impossible to believe, but Donald Trump, inspite of displaying the business acumen of a circus monkey,  was somehow able to convince several gullible businessmen that his name was synonymous with sound judgment and ethical conduct. The ironic beauty of this should be slamming into your brain like a laser controlled bottle rocket.  He actually gets these people to pay him to use his NAME.  No investment worries for him-  just pay him a princely sum and you can slap his name on your product.  You have to admit this level of chicanery is worthy of galactic recognition.

The reason this is so important is his pool of people on earth who actually believe this makes any sense is becoming extremely shallow.  He needs to expand his base.  If he can accomplish all this slight of hand on our planet, imagine the possibilities on Mars where no one knows him yet. And believe me there are martians there.  We just have never been able to spot them with our surveillance equipment because they have to wear all those heavy parka’s and they naturally blend in with the landscape.  Can you think of anyone better at negotiating with them than Donald Trump?   I’m no martian expert, but I think being all orangey would have advantages.  It might seem to be out of place on earth, but somehow I think that might serve him well on the Red Planet.  Just a hunch.  He is so good at making deals I bet he could organize all the martians into a strong labor force and get infrastructure off to a flying start.  And the best part is he won’t even have to pay them, something he already has a real knack for.  There won’t be any common currency on Mars.  Naturally he will be in charge of developing it, and just thinking about that has to give him a boner, but he can simply tell the martians the minting equipment hasn’t been delivered yet.

The Orange President

Of course initially communication could be a problem.  We all know how Mr. Trump is often times misinterpreted.  That’s why I think it would be extremely wise to have him take Rudy Giuliani along with him. If there is one guy that can speak Trump fluently It is Rudy. I for one found him to be immensely helpful clarifying those confusing statements of Mr. Trump’s. I have a feeling Rudy will find it even easier to understand Martian.  It will be important to start off on the right foot with those martians.  Word’s matter.

And, by the way, so will breast size.  Since he will be president, no doubt his first executive order will to demand that any women who ride along with him as “special surrogates” on that first space ship meet his specific requirements.  32-A’s and any female topping 120 pounds need not apply.  This is a colony for Pete’s sake, and Mr. Trump knows what it takes to make sure there’s plenty of colonization going on.

Might be Going to Mars

So I’d like to start up a solicitation campaign for the election of Donald Trump as our first President of Mars.  I will tell you right now I am contributing $100.00 today.  Make that $1000.00.  The hell with it, make that everything in my savings and retirement portfolio.  Sorry kids, I know you were counting on something when I die, but this is way too important.  Let’s MAKE MARS GREAT AGAIN!