Nation Relieved to Find Out President Trump Is Not a Racist

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With what is being described as one of his finest tweets, President Trump assured the American public that he is definitely not a racist.  “This should finally put an end to the vicious attacks the fake news media  has relentlessly subjected the president to,” declared presidential spokesperson Kellyanne Conway.

The controversy came to a head when, in a previous, marginally received tweet, the leader of the free world suggested that four congresswomen, who happen to live with an amount of melanin that is confusing to him, go back to where they came from.

The president deftly tamped down the firestorm with the subsequent, highly celebrated tweet, in which he unaquivaclay stated he did not have a racist bone in his body. ” If that doesn’t clear things up I don’t know what will”, said Lindsey Graham.  “The country knows the president is a man you can take at his word.”

America is always re-assured by President Trump’s calming words and trustworthiness

Man is Super Excited to Lead “Lock Her Up” Chant During Upcoming July 4th Celebration at the National Mall

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Alabama native Herb Grunk says he can’t wait to attend President Trump’s “Salute to America” 4th of July Celebration in DC next month.  ” I just hope he brings up Hillary’s e-mails right quick.  That’s always a crowd pleaser,” Grunk said.  He seemed  confident breaking out the usual boisterous calls to incarcerate the former Secretary of State as well as  espousing deafening declarations concerning the suction proclivity of both CNN and AOC would provide a nice supplemental form of entertainment to the more traditional pyrotechnics.   Lady Liberty may never be more confused.

So set aside your sparklers and bottle rockets everyone.  Its time for pitchforks and torches, as frequent MAGA rally attendee and former sheriff David Clarke is fond of saying.  This will be a different kind of 4th of July.  But then, presently  this is a different kind of America.

Politicizing Independence Day did not work out so well the one other time it was tried.  Crowd enthusiasm for President Nixon’s 4th of July “Honor America Day” in 1970, was inconveniently dampened by irritating clouds of  of police tear gas.  History does have a way of repeating itself.  

 

 

 

President to Explore Possibility of Slapping House Dems with Tariffs

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During a questioning session by the press on the White House lawn yesterday, President Trump lashed out at House Democrats for what called “unfair corruption treatment.”  Stating once again that he has never done anything wrong in his entire life, the president said he would retaliate by finding a way to impose a tariff on any Democrat participating in any of the dizzying  number of investigations swirling around him and his administration. When Kellyanne Conway was asked if the president actually thought this was feasible, she stated that  President Trump has always been confident in the leverage power of tariffs.  “Just look how he handled being jilted by President Xi of China and anything to do with Mexico,” she stated.

The President Xi comment  was an obvious reference to the fact that  President Trump is not afraid to get personal with tariffs.  After President Xi and Russian President Putin deliberately snubbed Trump by excluding him from their autocratic power circle recently, the President of the United States made it clear that President Xi would really be sorry if he doesn’t sit down with him soon and reestablish their besties relationship.  Not only will he likely tag the Chinese president with a biting nick name, but he adamantly stated  he would slap him in the face with some tariffs.

   President Xi Gifts President Putin a Best Friends Necklace

It is rumored the president is now so enamored with tariffs he won’t hesitate to utilize them at will to discourage perceived mistreatment of any kind.  The word is next on his list are Nervous Nancy and the 15th hole on the Mar a Lago golf course.

 

 

 

 

 

mentioned ever since the president felt jilted by China’s president Xi

with Trump anything was possible.

 

and it was his impression that recently  just mentioning the word tariff made the president feel good about himself.

next n pelosi and the 15 hole

 

Congress Triples President Trump’s Golfing Budget

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Informed that President Trump would be filling his time playing golf now that he has temporarily postponed his participation in all governing responsibility, Washington legislators  quickly responded by initiating a special session of congress  in order to fund personal presidential expenses.   Expenses forTrump’s golfing excursions presently exceed 100 million dollars, and Senate Finance Committee Chairman  Chuck Grassley is confident the taxpayers are more than willing to provide an addition two hundred million in order to make America great again.

Asked how long the president might be lingering on the links, Senator Lindsey Graham said as long as it takes for the president to recover from Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s hurtful comments.  The senator also mentioned that a lengthily tour of all his golf courses and a review of  the fortune he has amassed that somehow escapes emoluments violations will be just the ticket to reset his governing  attention.

Reporters rushed to Speaker Pelosi to hear what she had to say about the the unexpected budgetary developments.  “I will be praying that the president can find the resolve and courage to quit cheating on the golf course,” was her only comment.  And with it, is it is expected the president will be playing golf at least till the end of the year.

 

AG Barr Uses Some Words to Defend His Interpretation of Mueller Admonishment Letters

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Appearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee Wednesday, Attorney General William Barr deftly deflected questions Democratic Senators had about his understanding of the Mueller investigation.  New concerns about how the attorney general has handled the report have surfaced with the revelation that Robert Mueller sent Barr two letters indicating that the AG has presented a distorted view of the report’s findings.  But during the proceedings, the Democrats were a bit flummoxed and seemed to be caught off guard by the AG’s  clever use of abstract thought and personal adaptation of the meaning of words commonly used in the English language.

In contrast to the Democratic senators who one after another became confused by Barr’s baffling explanations,  Republican senators were able to communicate with the attorney general with relative ease.  By choosing topics of discussion that had nothing to do with the Mueller report, like anything involving President Obama or Hillary Clinton, the Republicans consistently forged a common dialog with Barr.

“Democrats just don’t get it,” said one Republican senator after the hearings.  “If you want to understand a man like the attorney general, you have to talk about something he likes to talk about. You can’t go wrong if you  bring up Hillary. They need to start thinking  outside the box!.”  The senator suggested the Democrats would be better served in the future if they ask the AG about his favorite restaurants or possibly persuade him to give a critique of a  movie he recently enjoyed.

While engaged in non-answering senatorial questions, AG Barr was given to conducting lessons in sentence syntax arrangement and, as seen here, enumerating possibilities of synonyms for a particular word like “suggest”

 

Poll Shows Trump Supporters Discouraged by His Obstruction Ineptitude

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The poll of Trump supporters that was taken two days ago to asses the impact the Mueller report had on their opinions revealed some noteworthy findings.  In particular it indicated that many were stunned by the inconsistent results the president has had in carrying out acts of obstruction.  Typical of exit polling remarks were those of Herbert Gliterman.  “I have to admit the report left me a little disappointed.  We all know what a great lier he is.  Nobody comes close.  Sure he can get friends and family to lie right along with him. But I just don’t understand how he can’t seem to get the really important people around him to lie too.  What kind of leadership is that?”  Gliterman (pictured) placed some of the blame for Trump’s failings on what he called “tight-assed m*****f*****s,” a term his wife  later explained was Mr. Gliterman’s way of describing traditional Washington bureaucrats.

 

Pollsters reported there is one other finding that stood out.  Many people seem conflicted about the revelation that President Trump could not supply an answer to 37 of the written interview questions that he was asked to submit to Mueller investigators. “I’m a little concerned,” said  poll participant Margie Netherbottom.  “That’s not like him.  Everyone knows what a great memory he has.  He mentions that at almost every rally.  And the best brain.  He has a dynamite brain.  He’s out there commenting about his fantastic brain all the time.  I certainly hope he’s all right.”

Others, like Paul Wintermunster, had a different point of view.  “Don’t let all the preposterously unbelievable number of unanswered questions fool you.  That all just shows what a genius the man is.  He’s the deal maker.  He sets the rules.  I mean It’s not like he was under oath.  And even if he was, who cares?”

President Trump responded to the negative polling fallout  later in the day.  It read,  “Who knew obstruction pf justice could be so hard.”

 

Government to Furnish California Bound Immigrants with Smallpox Imbedded Blankets

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It was announced today that the Department of Homeland Security will clear out southern border immigrant detention facilities by transporting detainees to various sanctuary cities throughout the country.  To provide some comfort during their travels each will be issued a cozy, smallpox-laced, army surplus blanket.

Since  the only remaining sources of the highly contagious virus are tightly secured at the CDC in Atlanta and the VECTOR lab in Novosibirsk Russia, the veracity of the project as well as the credibility of the source of the report were vigorously questioned.  When it was disclosed that the person hatching the plan was none other than presidential senior advisor Stephen Miller, all doubts were cast aside.

President Trump is confident Stephen Miller (pictured) has what it takes to get the job done.  

New Report about the Barr Report of the Mueller Report Reportedly Will Make Sense to Somebody

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At a news conference today presidential spokesperson Kellyanne Conway made it clear that Atorney General William Barr’s latest explanation of the Mueller report will go a long way to help a lot of people decide if they should ask their neighbor to explain what is going on.  When a reporter inquired if the second Barr letter would be enough to  convince the president to stop lying about being completely exonerated by the Mueller report, Ms. Conway indignantly reprimanded him for disrespecting both the president and the attorney general.  Ms. Conway reminded everyone that the premier attorney of the United States was hand-picked by President Trump and it should be apparent to anyone in possession of a right-thinking brain that he now has the authority to do whatever he wishes.

A press pool reporter quickly seized upon that comment.  Aware of reports of mothers across the land who felt compelled to wash their offspring’s ears out with soap after hearing the president and his eldest son rip off several lines of profanity during a recent campaign rally,  he asked Ms Conway if that would be something the public should expect from the Trump family going forward.  She replied that was just locker-room talk and is done only when the president is on national TV and there are no lockers around.

In a related matter, Representatives Devin Nunes and Michael Conaway  are said to be meeting with AG Barr later this afternoon.  Since the attorney general’s second explanation of the Mueller Report left the two congressmen a bit confused about what was actually elucidated in the first, they are hopeful AG Barr can conjure up another edition of the Barr report about the Barr report of the Mueller report that will explain to the country why they should not feel obligated to ask Representative Adam Schiff to unresign his chairmanship of the House Intelligence Committee. GOP Demands Schiff’s Resignation

People Want to Know what the Heck is Going on Here

Trump Says Arlington’s Unknown Soldier is Overhyped

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While addressing his plans to cut the defense budget to procure border wall funding, President Trump said he is inclined to do away with the tradition of honoring the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier at the National Cemetery in Arlington Virginia.   “I mean who is this guy anyway?” the president queried.  “We guard that thing day and night.  Why?  It’s not like he’s going anywhere.  It’s just an unnecessary expense.  If you think about it the best soldiers are the alive ones.   I especially like to watch them parade down Pennsylvania Avenue.   Frankly I don’t have much use for dead soldiers or captured ones.   I like winners. If you get captured or killed you’re just a loser.  Not good.  Not good for America.  Great soldiers are trained to avoid capture and getting shot.”

The president suggested the remains of the enshrined soldier should be exhumed and have his DNA analyzed.  “We have all this great technology now,” the president stated.  ” At least find out who this guy is.   We need a name.  I mean how stupid is it to guard something 24 hours a day that’s unknown.  Unknown!  Get some testing done and then we’ll see what happens.  Maybe he was a real hero.  If we find out he never got captured, then maybe we put on a real show for him.  With fireworks.  And a parade- down Pennsylvania Avenue!”

The president is confident the Unknown Soldier would send a grateful note of appreciation to the White House should he one day qualify for a Trump celebratory parade.

 

Trump Sacks Sad SAT’S and Similar Stats

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I don’t know about you but the public Cohen hearings were pretty much what I expected. There didn’t seem to be too many things revealed that we didn’t already know, or at least didn’t suspect the leader of the free world capable of doing in his past, marginally legal, exercises of freedom.  There was one glaring WTF moment for me though.   Who in the hell normally goes about strong-arming the administrators of educational institutions to  conceal personal academic records?  Who does that?

I have always wondered about Trump’s educational background.  He has asserted that he was a brilliant student who was admitted to the most prestigious schools and claims to always “have the best words.” That all seems discordant with mere observation.   His political rallies are excruciatingly painful for me to watch, always overflowing with disjointed dialog and blatant fabrication.  I can not imagine how anyone would be able to sit through that 2 hour CPAC speech he gave the other day.  For me exposure to a Trump speech, particularly an unscripted one, inconveniently reminds me of my childhood trip with my family to the Minneapolis Zoo, where we had the awkward experience of witnessing a large Kodiak bear perform a rather astonishingly acrobatic but nonetheless disturbing act of auto fellatio.  Realizing that image might be difficult to explain to his children or possibly traumatize us, my father quickly whisked us away and created distraction with  the promise of something much more interesting in the next enclosure.   That next enclosure for me nowadays is the next channel I hit with my TV remote whenever I am exposed to  a Trump political rally speech.

But now  I can’t help but wonder what his past teachers are thinking (although admittedly most are probably contemplating from a world of an unfathomable distance).   Do they feel remorse, like they might have had something to do with this mess?  Have some felt threatened, now that we know about the extreme measures the president will take to insure his SAT scores and grades are never revealed?  How insecure is this guy anyway?  When something that small bothers a man with power and money, you have to wonder what he is capable of doing in a true crisis.

From the short news clips of his time-tortured CPAC speech that I saw, it is obvious Trump is anticipating the worst, and is already setting up the next catchword that he will be gas lighting his followers with during future rallies. It is  a word he inserted into that contorted speech-  “bullshit.”  When the unflattering revelations start peeling away from the monumental number of upcoming investigations concerning him, that is the word the president will be expecting his adoring crowd to chant.  No doubt his die hard supporters will be more than happy to oblige.  Uncannily, for them there is never anything perplexing or embarrassing about a Trump political rally.  It is entertainment, a virtual one-man extreme circus, where the trapeze artist deliberately miscalculates, the fire-breather self immolates,  a large, omnivorous creature  auto-eroticizes, and the ringmaster orchestrates with clownish gestures and fantastical exhibitions of slight of hand.

Trump is probably a little desperate for a catchword, but I am not so sure” bullshit” isn’t a sound bite that won’t come back to bite him.  After all, look at what has become of the great dealmaker.  Where there was once a 25 billion dollar offer from congress for his border wall, he bewilderingly managed to negotiate the figure downward to somewhere between zero and 5 billion. The U.S. trade gap jumped to a 10 year high and the gap with China just broke the all time record.   Kim Jong Un teed up the president’s overture of love and gave it a swift kick in the balls.   To the president’s dismay the pipe dream of a Nobel Prize has vaporized.  Knowing his SAT score must have been so bad his college admittance likely hinged  on a generous parental donation to the university building fund, and now that there is nothing utilitarian about a chant of NO-BEL, NO-BEL, NO-BEL, might I offer this as a suggestion for a Trump catchword:  BOO-BY, BOO-BY, BOO-BY.

Perhaps a Prize Like This Might  Bolster the President’s Spirits