Senator Hatch Ranks the U.S. Presidents

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I was recently in St. George Utah and ran into Orrin Hatch.  It was one of those random things that just happens.  Just a quirky coincidence.  My mother lives in St. George and I was there to pay her a visit.  She had been in the hospital, then in a rehab facility, then after a few days there she ended up right back in the hospital, and then after a couple days she was back in rehab, for a month.  She is 98 years old.  I flew out the day after she was discharged from the rehab facility to help her celebrate the return to her assisted living apartment, and take notes on what I have to look forward to.

My brother and sister were there also.  As a family we like to go all out when we get together, so we took mom to Chuck-O-Rama for dinner.  My brother was wearing an arm sling because he had recently torn a rotator cuff, and we got to comparing our various ailments- my cataract surgery coming up, my sister’s migraines, and we also touched on some of the past and upcoming orthopedic and cardio-vascular surgeries of our spouses as well as our own, the usual dinner table conversation.  And in walks Orrin Hatch!  No kidding.  At Chuck-O-Rama.  Orrin Hatch had recently announced his upcoming retirement, and I suppose he was out celebrating himself.  Go figure!

 Utah Senator Orrin Hatch

All through our meal I kept glancing over at Orrin Hatch.  He was dining at a table not far from ours.  He seemed to be enjoying his pork spare ribs, mashed potatoes and lime jello, which coincidentally were the exact items I had selected from the buffet myself.  I felt that was an indication that we must have some sort of bond, and obviously when he made that statement awhile back about President Trump being the best president in the nation’s history, it was an unintentional mistake.  Likely it was just one of  those off the cuff remarks politicians are prone to make that they later regret.  Maybe the televised video I saw was technologically altered by a political opponent.  They can do that you know.

My curiosity got the best of me and I went over to his table to say hello and then I asked him right off if he really felt President Trump was the best president ever.  At first he sort of hemmed and hawed and really tried his best to avoid giving a definite answer. Well you better know political song and dance like that just doesn’t fly with me.  I had always thought Orrin Hatch was a decent and sensible man, and it just didn’t make sense that he would say anything so stupid as President Trump is the best president ever.  I became insistent that he give me a straight answer.  I don’t put up with vaguery when it comes to important issues.  The country would be way better off if we got these guys to quit with the bull shit is how I feel.

Well he got huffy-like with me and son of a bitch if he didn’t come right out and say yes, President Trump was the best president ever.  I said there was no way he could actually mean that, and he just doubled down and said absolutely President Trump was the best president ever.  I asked him then if Trump is number one in his book, who in the hell made his top ten list- Nixon, Harding, Hoover, Buchanan, who?  He got even more unhinged and said of course not those guys.  His greats were Lincoln, Washington, FDR, Kennedy, and I just cut him off and said he was a real know-nothing asshole if he put that piece of shit Trump in that kind of company.

Orrin Hatch then got all uppity and started yelling at me and said I was the real asshole and told me to go sit down, so naturally I shoved his face into the mashed potatoes on his plate.  It was no big deal.  I mean the gravy wasn’t like, steaming or anything.  But out of nowhere one of his goons started attacking me, swinging away with the handle end of her cane, and that’s when my brother bolted out of his chair and dropped her to the floor with his bad shoulder.  He let out a horrible scream that startled poor mom and she  must have passed out or something because the next thing you know both she and my brother were headed to the hospital in an ambulance and I was being carted off to jail.

So here I am, waiting for my sister to bail me out.  It might be awhile because she felt it was important to follow the ambulance to the hospital and make sure mom was taken care of properly.  She has no idea how bad it sucks in here.  I am sure mom is better off than me.  I am surrounded by hispanics that I imagine are being held for deportation.  That’s not the bad part.  They seem nice enough, but it’s the television programming.  I should say program.  You only get one- Fox News.  Not all my cell-mates can see the TV, but absolutely everyone can hear it.  As some sort of propaganda agenda the people in charge here relentlessly blast Fox News day and night just to make sure all the hispanics understand they are not welcome in Utah.  And of course Fox News cuts with a double edge when it carves into any hispanic brain.  As anyone knows, if you aren’t totally committed or conditioned to it, after a constant 24 hours of Fox News, hispanic or otherwise you are begging to be deported.  Wearing a hair shirt and having someone shove a Louisville Slugger up your ass while you’re being waterboarded is more humane.

So I’ve got some time on my hands to prepare my defense.  I have to do this all in my head since they won’t give me a pen to write with, but I’m pretty sharp and remember stuff that you might fuck up and forget.  But in this case there is really not a whole lot of memory work involved.  Here is Orrin Hatch’s top five list of U.S. presidents:

  5. PRESIDENT- John F. Kennedy       IMPORTANT ACCOMPLISHMENTS-   Faced down Russia during Cuban missile crisis and avoided nuclear war     FAMOUS QUOTE:  Ask not what your country can do for you–ask what you can do for your country.

  4. PRESIDENT- Franklin D. Roosevelt     IMPORTANT ACCOMPLISHMENTS-  Was elected unprecedented four times and steered country through the Great Depression and WW Two    FAMOUS QUOTE:  The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

  3. PRESIDENT- George Washington   IMPORTANT ACCOMPLISHMENTS-  Revolutionary war hero and father of country and established many forms of government that survive today    FAMOUS QUOTE:  If freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter

  2.  PRESIDENT- Abraham Lincoln    IMPORTANT ACCOMPLISHMENTS- Abolished slavery and led Union to victory in the American Civil War    FAMOUS QUOTE:  Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth

  1. PRESIDENT- Donald J. Trump    IMPORTANT ACCOMPLISHMENTS- Signed tax bill that added a staggering 1.5 trillion dollars to national debt and significantly widened wealth inequality in the U.S.  Eliminated regulations that had previously restricted gun sales to the mentally incompetent as well as many that prevented corporate environmental pollution and financial industry malfeasance   FAMOUS QUOTE:  Grab ’em by the pussy

It’s pretty black and white.  This evidence is so damning if Orrin Hatch thinks he can pull a fast one with some flimsy charges against me he’s going to get laughed right out of the courtroom.

HAPPY PRESIDENTS DAY!

 

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To all our fellow, loyal Republican friends:

As you might have heard, President Trump has placed the Pentagon on red alert and asked the people in charge over there to fast track a mobilization of tanks, missile launchers, heavy artillery, soldiers of every stripe and division, all active military bands and choral groups, along with coteries of the nations best high school baton twirlers, and a contingent of unemployed circus animals, and get it all strapped together and organized so the whole conglomeration can put on a nice performance and amuse him with a parade down Pennsylvania Avenue.

Well that would be just fine except that the stingy Freedom Caucus is getting all uptight and has refused to appropriate funding for the proposed gala event.  Those guys have their shorts in a bunch and say it’s just too expensive.  For some reason they think the gathering of an immense assortment of soldiers only to have them do nothing but march around is a big waste of time and tax dollars.  I say anything we can do to get them ready to march into Pyongyang is worth the effort.  Then they’re whining about having to resurface the streets of DC after all the tank traffic clears out. Tax dollars again.  That’s all they think about.  And they consider it to be unfair to have city sanitation workers sweep up all the elephant and tiger shit, mostly because it will be extra heavy  with all the chewed up concrete it will be entangled with.  I say without hard work nothing grows but weeds.

So that’s what we are dealing with.  Believe me you don’t want to be around when the president doesn’t get what he wants.  I don’t know how much longer housekeeping will put up with all the clean up that is required after one of his little outbursts.  I am being paid to think things through and come up with solutions.  So this is what I propose.

I know President Trump well, so I am aware a nice parade involving our military would be spectacular and his first preference.  But taking into consideration how tight fisted congress is, even though we all know this time next year the new corporate tax cuts will fill treasury department  coffers with money we won’t know what to do with, I really think we just might be able to make him happy with something a little less flamboyant.  Mardi Gras is just around the corner.  All we need to do is get him to New Orleans for the parade down there.  I know some of you think this fixation of his on a military parade pivots around all the show-offy stuff  Kim Jong-un does with his military extravaganzas, but I know for a fact it has little to do with that and everything to do with that damn Macron.

This obsession of his all started after his visit to France last year.  President Trump got all ginned up with his parade ideas after Macron pranced his soldiers down the Avenue des Champs-Elysees in front of our president. Macron knew damn well something so pompously shiny was bound to start the wheels turning in President Trump’s head.  To top it off, Ivanka got all google-eyed over Macron and that kind of thing just gets president Trump all in a stew.

Anyway, as everyone knows, quite a bit of froggy stuff goes on during Mardi Gras.  When their parade starts, we just need to get the president out on one of those French Quarter balconies so people can wave to him as they go by.  I know he’ll really like that.  I was down there a few years back and I can tell you it’s a pretty rowdy crowd.  Of course a lot of the cheering will be for the gals standing on the balcony across the street that take their tops off, but I can’t think of a better distraction for the president to dwell on.  He’ll be happy as a clam.

Now here’s the tricky part I need your help with.  You’ve probably heard Melania is not too happy with her husband.  She’s not about to fly with him to New Orleans or anywhere else she doesn’t have to, probably for quite awhile.  Maybe forever.  Believe me she is really pissed.  And there’s the rub.  All the naked jiggling and shaking of this and that is bound to get the president and his tic-tac container all shook up.  I’ve contacted Stormy Daniels, and she says she’s one hundred percent on board to take care of things, but apparently she’s wised up a bit and won’t settle for a measly $130,000.  The going rate now is a cool million, so that’s what we have to come up with.

Won’t you please, please PLEASE help.  I don’t like this getting out, but I’m the one that flies under the radar and makes sure all things run smoothly.  Trust me.  This will work.  It’s got to.  You don’t know what it’s like when he gets mad.  But we have to act fast.  Really fast.  Mardi Gras is next week. I’m begging you. I can’t believe my boss stuck me with this job.   Please find it in your heart to give a generous donation.  Or anything.

__DONATE $1000     __ DONATE $500     __DONATE $100     __DONATE An Even Larger Amount

__I cannot donate at this time because I am an unpatriotic asshole

Sincerely:     Ken Groveling,  Junior Advisor to Senior Advisor Stephen Miller

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If you are truly pissed about the direction of our country, bitch to your congress person.  Look up their phone numbers.  This is bull shit.  Ask these people one simple question:  Taking into account all the important needs of our nation, in your opinion is it better to spend seventeen million dollars on:

A) a parade.                                                                                                                                                   B)  almost anything else a normal human brain is capable of imagining.

This is getting ridiculous.  Democracy is crumbling before our eyes.  It has never been more important to take the time to vote.  It is no longer appropriate to acknowledge it as just a privilege.  It has now become a civic imperative.

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Ministers, Secretaries and Wishful Thinking

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I don’t know if you’ve heard, but  British Prime Minister Theresa May has created a new governmental position that is called  the “Minister of Loneliness.”  No lie.  And according to recent polling there, the appointment is not without warrant.  I guess there are a lot of lonely people in Britain.  Older people, disabled people, citizens who are unable to deal with Brexit, people still trying to get over losing the Second Boer War- they’re all  reported to be especially vulnerable and having a very difficult time with their upper lips and I suppose whatever else they like to keep stiff over there.  You certainly have to hope the new appointee can get to the bottom of it all.

Newly Appointed Minister of Loneliness

I do wonder about the official title though.  Shouldn’t it be the Minister of Happiness?   If you work for the government, your title should be what you are supposed to be doing, what you should be good at to help citizens out, not the opposite.  I mean they call their justice department the Ministry of Justice.  It’s not the opposite.  It’s not the Ministry of Injustice.   The Ministry of Defense does defense stuff, not offense stuff. Great Britain is a democracy for Pete’s sake. That minister is not out there blowing shit up just for the heck of it.  You certainly don’t want your Lord of the Treasury tossing money out of a window of the Parliament building or purchasing non existent bridges.  And so you don’t want people in this new department knocking on doors to make sure people stay lonely.  You should be doing your best to make people happy.  Minister of Happiness.  That’s really what the job is all about.  I think  Prime Minister May should pull her head out of her ass.

Criticism asside, I do like where Theresa May is trying to go with this though.  We could probably stand a Secretary of Happiness over here. So many  people I know are just plain glum these days.  It’s a trend that’s difficult to ignore.  What I think would be even better in the way of a new governmental position in the U.S. though is a Secretary of Truth.  Think about it.  The reason people are so despondent is we’re sick and tired of all the bull shit.  It just wears you out.  Makes you unhappy.  And pissed off.  A Secretary of Truth could solve a lot of problems.  It would take care of loneliness, anger, confusion, so many things. I am sure the entire country would be grateful.

LEFT: perfect candidate for Secretary of Truth

While we’re at it, how about a Director of Congressional Syncophants and a Supervisor of Obstructionists to investigations of Foreign Attacks.   If those guys do their jobs right we could collect all the ass kissers and the treasonous, and treat them to a nice meal- on one of those big boats you see that’s been mothballed and is really more of a floating restaurant.  Then as this governmental gathering is distracted by an evening of dining and drinking, we can tow this restaurant-ship far out to sea.  And then send a navy destroyer out there to blow it up.  And any aircraft carrier in the vicinity could send out a squadron of F-18’s to strafe and bomb whatever is left.  Might as well get a nuclear submarine involved and have it torpedo anything resembling a large remnant of the vessel as it sinks.  Just to make sure. That would be just the ticket to get the county headed in the right direction.  It would make me happy too.

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Seriously, what keeps getting lost in all the tweeting and furtive activity is the fact that our country has been attacked!  Furthermore, after an entire year in office our president has shown no interest in performing his primary, sacred duty to protect the people and our democracy from this type of foreign intrusion. And for reasons I do not understand, instead of responsibly enacting  their constitutional duty to check executive dereliction and abuse of power, several members of congress have shown nothing but contempt for citizenry by obstructing practically any type of investigation into this destructive foreign activity.  We need to put a stop to all this nonsense.  Call your members of congress and complain, and most importantly, store up your anger and utilize it in November.

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Women’s March

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I attended my first Women’s March the other day.  I am happy to report these gals seem to know what they’re doing.  Something I just thought of.  If you’re interested in that sort of thing I would have to think that’s just the place to meet women.  But frankly I wasn’t so much interested in the ladies as I was in their clever signs.

I met up with some regular friends of mine who like me probably didn’t have much going on that day.  I have some irregular friends too, but they’re not inclined  push through something that smacks of commitment.  If you happen to know anything about our particular group that gathered for the march, I think you would conclude we are fairly close knit, in that we tend to think a lot alike on many issues.  Women’s rights is certainly one we all feel is important to support. And so there we were,  I think the idea being there is strength in numbers.  By that I don’t mean our numbers were that impactful in the way of improving the overall numbers of the march.  The strength of having numbers within our little group was that if one of us should happen to stumble there might be enough of our numbers to rescue the unfortunate before being trampled to death.

I would guess our march was typical of any other organized march.  First, all of the marchers converged to a gathering point to listen  to some inspirational rhetoric supplied by a few speakers.  A middle-aged woman of Puerto Rican decent was the first to address us.  I thought she hit the mark with pertinent points- equal pay, get out the vote, love thy neighbor, the usual stuff I think you hear at a women’s march. Her speech seemed a little on the long side, but there was no shortage of applause throughout it’s entirety and overall I thought she graded out pretty well- at least the half of her speech that was in English.  Unfortunaelty there was a second half, which as far as I could tell was a complete reproduction of the first half, only in Spanish.

Applause for the second half was, to put it mildly, a little sparse. I felt sorry for the speaker after a point.  I wanted to applaud.  I am sure my friends also wanted to applaud.  But about all we could accomplish were confused looks at one another, which if they could somehow be interpreted in Spanish said, “What in the hell is going on here.” I have to admit the march started to take a bit of a turn for me.  But a lot of that had to do with my feet.  They were really not cooperating.  I know that was my bad.  The shoes I had selected to wear during the march were not constructed to march over any kind of surface not covered in carpet with extra thick padding.  And then there was the annoying drone hovering directly above us. I was reasonably sure what I saw was an attached camera, but what if it was a canister of toxic nerve gas?  It would be so Trumpian to take the easy way and eliminate  8000 opposition votes instantaneously rather than instituting time honored but tedious traditions of gerrymandering and redistricting.

As  I said I was there for the signs, and honorable mention went to the sign that stated “I’ve seen better cabinets at Ikea.”  I guess you would  have to say that sign scored first place as well, in that it was the only sign any of the speakers mentioned, period.  You could see the look of disappointment on the faces of a number of sign carriers when it became apparent their signs were not about to be recognized.  To be honest with you the Ikea entry didn’t impress me.  The statement was clever enough, but you should have seen the drawing that accompanied it.  I believe what its creator was attempting to convey was the picture of a kitchen cabinet, but all it was was a frantic scribbling in brown magic marker with no involvement of discernible straight lines anywhere and two yellow circles that I guess were supposed to be knobs of some kind.  What it presented in my mind was a reasonable rendering of the face of Sasquatch.

For me, the winner of my imaginary sign contest was the one that stated “I can do anything you can do and do it bleeding.”  Not only did that thing make a bold gender-based statement that captured the essence of the march, but the solid red background was almost intimidating.  Frankly it scared the hell out of me.

I have to tell you a sense of relief overwhelmed me  when we finally got the word it was time to actually start marching, and I am pretty sure my peers in my group of marching friends had the same sentiment.   If I remember right, nearly every one of us were propped up with joints of an artificial nature, or have orthopedic surgery scheduled on the near horizon. If there is one thing I took away from the march, it’s there is no sitting in marching.

Off we went, ever careful not to step on each others heals and doing our best to appear not to be hobbled in any way.  As we marched along I become fixated on a sign carried by a marcher ahead of me.  There were lots of signs, and this particular one would disappear from time to time behind another.  The words on this sign that held my attention were, “Fuck as feminists.”  It was totally confusing to me.  Equally mysterious was the drawing underneath, which I think most would say amounted to a giant green apostrophe.  I just couldn’t help wondering what that sign was all about.  To me it would have made some sense if the word “for” was subbed in for the word “as”.  I mean then you might possibly be promoting some kind of cause.  I’m sure there are people out there who could get behind that sort of thing.  “As” just didn’t cut it for me.  It threw the whole thing off.

We made a left turn onto a street of paving brick, and if you know anything about that type of surface you know you have to pay attention to where you are walking.  There are dips and elevations that can be treacherous.  Between that and avoiding other people’s feet I decided it was time to bail.  We came up on the cross street my car was parked on and with my first open opportunity I weaved through the crowd and worked my way to safety.

With the sweet comfort of my vehicle in view I finally started to relax.  Overall I was impressed with the turnout, felt the march achieved its intent, and happy I participated.  I have to admit I wasn’t so happy with the parking ticket mocking me from underneath the windshield wiper of my car.  It was a reminder from the traffic department that two hours is not enough time to commit to a Women’s March.  I will remember that next time, and be sure to tell whoever I designate as my proxy to keep that in mind as well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Christmas Story

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I took my Christmas tree out to the curb a few days ago.  The Boy Scouts picked it up- a service project of theirs I suppose.  When I called the fellow in charge of the operation a few days ago to let him know I had a tree I would be glad to get rid of, he’s the one that told me to just leave it curb-side.  But I thought I should offer up a donation, so I told the guy to have one of his boys  knock and I would make a contribution.  I mean that’s only fair and the right thing to do.  I was a boy scout and know some shit about their organization.  Sure some of what goes on is a lot of fun, but sometimes scoring one of those damn merit badges was punishingly difficult.  I remember one time I shoveled snow off people’s sidewalks all morning in ten degree weather, and you think any of those cheap bastards gave me so much as a cup of hot chocolate?  Hell no.

The day before the scouts dropped by I set a five dollar bill out to remind myself they were coming.  When my wife got all nosey and asked what the money was for, she called me a tight ass- said I should fork over a Hamilton.  I guess she thinks money grows on trees.

I’m here to tell you it’s quite the opposite.  That tree cost me a fortune.  Here’s the thing.    I won’t allow any kind of artificial Christmas tree in my house.  It’s got to be the real thing, one  like my dad always insisted on- a Douglas fir.  None of those fancy Balsams or Fraziers.  And forget Scotch pines.  They’re just overwhelming.  Douglas firs.  They always smell the best- like a mountain forest.

I usually get my Douglas fir down at my favorite hardware store.  I have a rule.  I will not pay more than $40.00 for my tree.  OK over the years I have to admit that rule has sort of been measured on a slide-ruler.  Back in the 90’s the price cap was $25.00.  It’s the 21st century.  You have to adapt.  Anyway, for some reason I let my wife talk me into supporting the nursery store across the street from my favorite hardware store. The owner of that place is a swell guy and he is always donating plants and ferns and shit to local school causes.  Well I’m normally all for that and actually I did find an acceptable tree there that was only five dollars more than the Douglas firs selling at the hardware store. The price was $39.  So I bought it. I stuck it in our tree stand, and after my wife applied all her decorating skills it looked pretty damn good.    Me with my tree in happier days  

About three days later we started to notice a peculiar odor that seemed to be coming from the tree and believe me there was nothing about it that hinted of a mountain forest.  After some google inquiries we were able to identify it.  Cat pee.  Google it yourself if you don’t believe me.  According to my web search when a conifer is close to completely expiring, emitting that smell can be a common occurrence.  I beg to differ.  I have a lifetime of experience with Douglas firs and this was a totally uncommon occurrence.  The smell got worse as the days went by, and was so offensive I decided if my wife wanted to disassemble the thing and decorate a replacement, I would go get one.  She was even more dismayed than I was because holiday guests were on their way and she felt it would be inhospitable to welcome them into a home that smelled like a giant litter-box.  So off I went, four days before Christmas, in search of a six to seven foot Douglas fir.  I had to drive 15 miles to find one, and was happy I did, but not particularly overjoyed when I had to pay $55 for the damn thing.

But we had our tree, my wife did her thing with the decorations, and all was well- until Christmas day.  The new tree started to smell just like the previous one.  Your twisted mind might think there is something humorous about that, but you can come and kiss my ass.  Something is wrong out there so I think you better start paying attention.  It’s about climate change, or even maybe the End Times thing is starting up.  I really don’t know what that’s all about but I can tell you this shit isn’t normal so you just better wake up.

When our holiday company woke up the next day, they became very aware of the tree odor too, and were relieved they had a plane to catch.  Though it is traditional to leave our tree up and decorated till New Years Eve, it was out the door within an hour of their departure.

A boy scout knocked as instructed, and I went to greet him with my five dollar bill in hand.  That’s when I started having flashbacks of my boy scout experiences with older tight-wads and so I dug into my wallet for a ten, or another five, but only had a one and a twenty.  So the scouts got a $6 donation.  If you think the nice thing to do was part with the twenty bucks, you have your head up your ass.  Talk to me later.  If the scouts show up in ten degree weather and there is a foot of snow in my driveway, I might work something out with them.  I’ll even throw in a cup of hot chocolate.

 

 

 

 

Puffery Meets Providence

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After final passage of the  Trump “Tax Cuts and Jobs Act,” members of congress gather on the White House grounds for a  rousing  round of congratulatory back-slapping and congregate around the press podium and microphones.  Representative  Paul Ryan steps up to speak.

     Executive, Legislative Celebration   

Ryan:  “Mr. President, it is an honor to stand here and celebrate with you.  We could not have accomplished this without your exquisite leadership.  The people of America can now finally experience real economic progress as we initiate entitlement program abatement in the coming years.  You are truly an inspiration.”

Ryan steps away from the podium and is replaced by Senator Mitch McConnell

McConnell: “Exquisite leader and Inspiration indeed Mr. President.  But you are more than that.  You are a great man and unparalleled  political thinker.  Just look at your accomplishments.  Your deregulation initiatives have set the tone for a new America powered by coal.  No one has ever done more to make sure our country leads the way in keeping this planet pleasantly warm. The whole world is appreciative. You have set so many records- why it’s impossible to keep track of them all.   Just take a look at how you made sure our mining industries have handy access to all our pristine water resources.  What an economic triumph!  If I might interject a personal note Mr. President, my favorites of all your deregulations are the ones involving air quality.  We kind of had to sneak some of those by the general public, but boy will they be in for a nice surprise when they find out what they are inhaling is not nearly the same as what they’ve been used to.  Like you say, Mr. President, it’s all about jobs.  Once we get all the air around us to be more interesting, like it was in the good ol’ days before all these darn regulations,  there won’t be such a thing as unemployment.  And now our coal miners can get down in there and do their work without fear of cumbersome safety regulations.  You’re really taking care of our miners Mr. President, just like you promised.  I speak for Kentucky and the entire nation when I say thank you Mr. President.”

McConnell steps aside to make way for Senator Orrin Hatch who has been tapping him on the shoulder for the last 30 seconds.

Hatch: “What a momentous day for us all Mr. President.  Not only are you an inspiration and exquisite leader, great man and unparalleled political thinker, but even more importantly, after this day, it can be stated undeniably that you are a great president, and I dare say without a doubt in my mind, no, it’s no dare let me tell you, it’s a fact.  With this tax bill you will go down in history as one of the greatest- no, not one of the greatest. You will be recognized as the absolute greatest president- ever. And I’m not talking just here in America.  I mean in the entire world.  Every democracy on the planet will praise you and seek your advice.  I, along with the entire state of Utah and everyone in America thanks you Mr. President.  By golly these new tax laws are really going to get the economy moving.  You can bet there’ll be all sorts of new construction going on now that all our hard working corporate executives have so much extra cash to fund the new wings on their mansions.   Dog gone it this tax bill is so dog gone good even dogs will love it. Like you Mr. President, my wife owns a pass through entity, and man o man with the tax windfall she’ll be getting next year, if I know her, and believe me I do, she’ll be treating her two little pooches to all of those top shelf items at Pet Smart.  Mr. President, once again I want to tha….”

Hatch stumbles a bit as Vice President Mike Pence shoulders him aside and takes control of the podium.

Pence:  “That’s right Mr. President.  This country is so thankful to have you guide us into the future.  You are absolutely an inspiration and exquisite leader, great man, unparalleled  political thinker and of course I second that thing that you are, as of today, the greatest president to ever walk the face of the earth.  Certainly as we reflect upon all of your accomplishments everyone is amazed.  But it’s more than presidential accomplishment.  Take a look at your life.  From humble beginnings you took charge of your own future, and with only the several million your father gave you, you parlayed that and the bankruptcy and tax laws of this great country with the astounding, and perplexingly generous gullibility of the American public and created a massive fortune for  yourself.  And wow, with this new tax law of yours you have carved out an even bigger fortune.  By eliminating benefits for veterans, students and orphans and all those fakers who claim they have some rare disease, you were able to save that well deserved golf course deduction.   You represent the epitome of the American dream.  Why we don’t even know how massive your fortune is because your great team of lawyers, and as we all know our country is great because we are a nation of laws and such, your great team of lawyers has buried  the true value of your wealth amongst a huge volume of paper at the IRS.  American families are so grateful to you, especially those burdened by that ridiculous estate tax.  Looking out for your children is the most important responsibility a man has, and you have profoundly demonstrated how a simple man can provide untaxed millions for family and friends with the flamboyant stroke of a pen.  You have taken the power of the presidency to an historically new level Mr. President.

So impressive is your dynamic life, Mr. President, I have to tell you I have racked my brain in search of an example of a life of comparative import.  And in that desperate search, I tell you I have found but one- only one- that stands alone in mirroring your magnificent stature.  The man I’m referring to resides in those pages of the sacred book we know as– the Bible.  Mr. President, like all good Christians I know you use that holy book to guide your life. I don’t know about you, but when I read the Bible I am always struck by the power of the miracles surrounding the life of Jesus.   As you stand before us as President of the United States, most everyone believes that your election might be the single most impressive miracle to have ever occurred in this country.   Mr. President, it is such a privilege and honor to serve you, and I think it is only fitting that now, as we move into the future with these momentous new tax laws at our disposal, that I and this august body  bestow upon you the official title of— Supreme Almost Divine President of the United States of America.”

After a few seconds of stunned silence, hysterical applause breaks out throughout the congregated group.   Much back-slapping and hand shaking quickly generates a state of exuberant pandemonium and congressmen begin to fall to their knees and bow before the newly anointed Supreme Almost Divine President of the United States of America.  Curious clouds mysteriously develop overhead, but no one engaged in all the rapture seems aware.  The sky turns forebodingly black, and suddenly  massive, multiple bolts of lightening are hurled into the crowd.

First, there was the explosion.   Witnesses say  body parts flew everywhere.  One man saw eye balls blown away from their sockets and roll down the street.  The blast was quickly followed by a raging inferno.  Later it was reported that bystanders were commonly awe-struck by its intensity.  What really baffled everyone interviewed however was how not one of the elected officials participating in the ceremony survived, yet there was not a single reported incident of an injury to onlookers.  When the blaze subsided and the smoke finally cleared,  a smoldering mass of charred flesh and bone was all that remained on the White House grounds.

Heavenly, Judicial Condemnation

*****************************************************************************

It’s been a year of confusion and despair.  That is why I thought it would be a nice gesture to give this story a cheerful ending during this season of hope and joy.  Happy New Year to All!

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In Search of Normalcy

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OK.  This is really pissing me off.  Hannity Republicans Hammer Mueller. I keep trying to get my head around this. Our politics have become so poisoned there is now a group of American citizens so contaminated they believe it is imperative to derail an investigation that is trying to get to the bottom of an attack on our democracy by a foreign adversary.  Republicans now want to increase the national debt and Democrats are the party of “family values.”  White evangelicals who call themselves Christians voted unanimously for Roy Moore.  More and more I am beginning to question what is normal. I am questioning myself.  I mean is it normal for me  to be overwhelmed by the compulsion to staple Sean’s Hannity’s tongue to the roof of his mouth and then sew his lips shut?  No, of course not.  But that impulse gets less disturbing to me each time I hear his voice or see his image.  It happens only in the terror of my worst nightmares, but  I even smell him.  The scent is an odd combination of  Brylcream,  Axe cologne, and polyester resin, which is the stuff Nerf products are made of.  If you’ve ever seen Sean toss his special football to whoever his mysterious receiver is hiding off stage, you might be getting a glimpse into the wonderings of my mind.  What a dork.  Like tossing a Nerf football somehow validates his manly manliness. Son of a bitch. Now I even associate Nerf footballs with scummy behavior.  I used to like my Nerf football.  I recently tossed it in the trash.  That is not normal.

Neither is Ohio Representative Jim Jordan.  During the House judiciary hearing mentioned above he is the guy who is convinced the American public’s trust in the Mueller investigation is kaput. As some sort of confidence restoration act he is certain what the country needs is a second special investigation of Clinton involvement in the election.  I would like to jam a red-hot poker up his ass.  That is not normal. I am aware of that.  The red-hot poker thing I mean.  Is a  second Clinton investigation  normal though?  Personally I think not, but congressman Trey Gowdy, the Benghazi kamikaze, disagrees. That guy would self-immolate if he thought going up in flames would get any kind of mud on Hillary to stick.  I fantasize about carefully placing his nuts on an anvil and smashing them with a  ballpien hammer.   That’s not normal is it?

Geezuz what are these guys afraid of?  Russian involvement in our past presidential election has been verified by every law enforcement body in this country.  It is impossible to deny that fact now that Mueller has produced two indictments and two cases of false statements.   Why in the hell is that so hard to grasp? And our president is totally disinterested in identifying our vulnerability and  preventing future foreign intrusion. That is not normal.   Is it normal that some investigators are biased in some regard?  Well, yes.  Considering our current political landscape how could that not be true.  There is bound to be an appearance of bias, but Mueller has shown he expects politics to be checked at the door by dismissing agent Strzok.  That’s the normal thing to do.

OK.  In the interest of  fairness I’m willing to concede and consider that thing about a Clinton investigation is normal.  Will that make the Sean Hannity’s of the country happy?   Go for it.  But let’s first focus on the more pressing investigation- the one involving the sitting president that has all the corroborated instances of Russian involvement stamped all over it.  Let the thing run its course and stay the hell out of the way.  Complainers are doing nothing but a disservice to democracy. Three-fourths of the American public wants this investigation to progress.   After it’s resolved, go ahead with a Clinton investigation.  Sean Hannity can sit on the investigative panel for all care.  I was never a big Clinton supporter anyway.  Load the investigation team up all you want with anti-Clintonites. What better way to get to the bottom of things than by inserting people to investigate that are motivated by vengeance.  That was protocol during all those Benghazi investigations.  Huh.  I guess that is a more normal way of investigating  than I was originally thinking.   The bottom line is dig up all you can, and to make things normal have someone with integrity sort through it all to make sense of it.   I don’t give a shit if you find something shady or don’t, with either investigation, and I don’t care how long it takes.  Just come to a conclusion and make it public.

Mueller is going to analyze all the evidence.  And likely whatever recommendations he makes will go before the House.  They will decide if there is any  impeachable offense.  If Mueller finds out the Trumps had some shifty non-political, financial dealings, which I personally think will be the case, there is no gray area to debate.   There will be concrete numbers that define allegations that the president will not be able to deny. Remember it was Trump himself that brought on this investigation by firing the director of the FBI. On the other hand, after he scrutinizes everything presented to him,  there is a fair chance Mueller will not find anything  related to the president particularly nefarious.  Let the man do his job.

Let me throw this out there.  How about a third special investigation.  Let’s investigate crazy conspiracy theorists like Sean Hannity.  Anyone protesting so vehemently about anything must be sweating it.  I bet it’s the golden shower dossier.  Just my personal conspiracy theory.  And it’s become completely normal to me.

 

 

Of Donors and Donuts

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Gadzooks do I feel like a piece of shit.  You should too.  You watched a movie last night didn’t you?  God I hope you didn’t stream one of those stupid vampire films.  What is wrong with you?  Let’s face it  we all need to take a hard look at ourselves.  I know you.  Every time you score a  $10.00 birthday gift from your grandmother you dash off to check out the specials at the Quick Trip beer cooler.  Get a grip for Pete’s sake and make a credit card payment.  No wonder all the wealthy donors are getting all  those juicy tax cuts. They know where to put their money and it’s high time someone in congress stepped up and showed us where we went wrong.  Someone like oh, say, Iowa senator Chuck Grassley. Working Class Needs to Wise Up.  

I’ve been trying to figure out how I can improve my self worth and esteem and have zeroed in on a couple of things.  I am definitely canceling my Netflix account.  That’s a no-brainer.  And frankly it’s not that big of a sacrifice.  I pretty much just watch sports programs on TV anyway.  I only made it through a couple seasons of VEEP though, and will miss that.  But right there I am saving about seven bucks a month.  Not a bad start if I do say so myself.

I love my wife, but it looks like birthday and anniversary and Christmas gifts are a thing of the past.  And Valentines day.  I always thought that was a stupid holiday anyway.  Who thought that one up?  Hallmark I bet.  My wife always wants to do the right thing, so I know she’ll understand.  Wow this one could really ad up.  Ka-ching!  Money in the bank baby!  It’s no secret if I have a fault it’s that I’m way over generous.  One year I gave my wife a deluxe hedge trimmer for our anniversary and threw in one of those gigantic boxes of Whitman’s Samplers. Those are good because they have that  helpful diagram on the inside of the lid.  It’s particularly useful if you like to avoid those shitty cream-filled ones like I do.  Boy am I glad ol’ Grassley didn’t put the kibosh on my wife spending money on me.  That would really suck.

Now where I think the senator went a little off the rails is that thing about booze.  It’s how I get through the day.  But I don’t want Chucky G to be disappointed in my effort, so I guess I can cut back on my single malts.  There are some blends out there that won’t perforate  your stomach.  But I figure it can’t hurt my bottom line if I’m pleasantly surprised with a gift, so from now on all I want for Christmas is something nice from the Lowland region- Glenkinche or Auchentosan are favorites, but an offering from Speyside like Glenfiddich or Maccallan will more than do.

You’ve probably heard by now most of the trickle in the new tax plan will be going up, not down, so if you are really serious about improving yourself, consider renting out a bedroom in your house.  The way I understand it, the hands-down winners in the new tax bill will be rental real estate owners, like, ah, Donald Trump.  Godamit!  Do you suppose the president is trying to pull some sort of shenanigan here?

Hold on there buckaroo.  Don’t be so quick to judge.  This is where Chuck and his boys  really stepped it up.  As the “Grassman” has stated, it’s really important to note there are investors out there that can show us how it’s done.  What better way to provide an example of investment opportunity than to  cut the estate tax.  That’s a half billion that will eventually land in Ivanka and the bros laps. And Chuck’s clan felt it was just the thing to reward the president himself with a more immediate pile of investment cash by way of a nice tax deduction for every golf course he owns.  That’s how jobs are created my friend. With this windfall on the horizon  the Trump family will  be doubling  their payrolls in China quicker than you can say sweatshop.

At least old man Grassley didn’t say anything about donuts.  I love donuts.  I guess that’s a treat we can yet indulge in.   And after all, that’s kind of how the new tax plan breaks down.  You have your donor class, and you have us, the donut class.   There is nothing much new in what congress is proposing.  Esteemed  NY congressman Chris Collins flat out admitted there is no way he could face his donors without making sure they have a merry Christmas.   It’s a plan that ends up supplying us with just what the Republicans know we need- more income inequality.

  Everybody Likes Donuts

Now I know some of you out there might be getting discouraged.  It is truly a helpless feeling to realize that for every governmental violation of our donut holes there is a corresponding shrinkage of our dough.  But we must stay the course.  Remember, this is what it’s all about. It’s our duty.   So bend over and Make America Great Again!

 

 

 

A Year Too Late

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 WOW!  You have to be impressed with this “MeToo” movement.   By the end of every day now  you can count on a new guy headlining the sexual misconduct list.  Keep it going girls.  This is long overdue.  In the way of full disclosure, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to any female anywhere whom I might have offended in any way at any point in time. And to all my fellow guys out there, it would behoove you also to get out ahead of this.  You know damn well you don’t remember half the stuff you did when you were shit-faced back in college.  And what about that ex girlfriend that still hates your guts?  These ladies mean business, so count on sweating it out at the very least, and if you’re going to be an asshole about this you are totally screwed.

I got to thinking about all the gender righteousness swirling about, and besides once again stating it’s about time, there are a couple of other things that I think need to be addressed.  Men are pigs, no doubt about it.  But still, all pigs are not created equal.  I was relieved to hear several females, newscasters like Stephanie Ruhle and political professionals like Stephanie Cutter come to our defense at least in a small way and underline the fact that you can’t throw every offensive man into one extremely large bucket.  There are different levels of shitty behavior and each case should be judged separately.  But just what is the line that defines that which is totally inexcusable?  Keep in mind I am talking about the past.  I am hopeful what is taking place presently in the gender domaine of our social structure will not be just another futile surge, like citizenry gun control entreats that flame out within a few weeks after every god damned mass shooting we have in this country.  I think we really are at a watershed moment where women are mad as hell and are not going to take it anymore.  My guess is that from now on there will be, as should be, a very high bar expected of my fellow man-boars.

But what about the past?  How do you grade our past bad behavior?  What is the line that absolutely should not be crossed?  It’s a question raised even by the educated ladies commentating in the media.  Fortunately for you I think I can be of assistance here, and the tool I utilize is one that is universally considered nearly infallible- math.  It has suddenly become fairly well established that when push comes to shove, believe the woman not the man when charges of sexual misconduct are involved.  And as the number of females increases in corroboration, the stronger their case.  With that in mind I have come up with this handy “scale of fuckedness.”

Point one.  Only one female plaintiff.  Sorry ladies but this is still classic he said/she said.  I believe you.  The guy just plain looks shifty. But there are simply not enough numbers to back you up.  Blame the math.

Point two.  Two female plaintiffs.  OK.  the gals have something here.  This is enough to consider the defendant guilty.  But still.  It’s not enough to label  him totally repugnant.  Of course the charge must be considered also.  Pedophilia would be a deal breaker here.  I would have to throw in beastiality too.  Geezuz what’s wrong with this guy.

Point three.  Three female plaintiffs.  This guy is pushing the envelope. Likewise he has likely  been pushing himself up against a number of young ladies who do not appreciate it.  He could stand some counseling.  Starting to migrate into Creepyville here.

Point four.  Four female plaintiffs.  You got this guy by the balls, and not in a way he is usually dreaming about.   He deserves all the dick-deflating repercussions that come his way.  Take him for all he’s worth ladies.

Point five.  Five female plaintiffs.  Are you kidding me?  This has  deviant predatory behavior stamped all over it.  What I suggest here is breaking out an updated scarlet letter.   What must adorn this guy whenever he is out and about in public is a shirt which has inscribed upon it a huge letter “P” -for perv.  Make that a hair-shirt.

Point six.  Six female plaintiffs.  I don’t know what to say.  Honest to god my entire gender apologizes for this. This guy is total pond scum. House arrest should definitely be considered.

Point seven.  WTF!  This needs to go no further.  Anything over six- LOCK HIM UP!! This piece of shit should have his testicles revoked.  You can bet for every charge on record  there are a couple that go unreported. It’s time to step up now gals.  Strike while the iron’s hot.  It’s his crushed nuts on your ice cream.  

So there you have it.  Graph this out and as you will see that point where a man crosses over into definable despicable behavior is around the 2.8 point.   You do know how to plot an “L” graph I hope?  Geezuz Kreist it’s not that hard.  Just draw a big “L” and label the two lines.  Trust me it will all come into focus.  And keep in mind this criteria is for for past behavior.  What is on the horizon is zero tolerance.  Guys, in the future plan on getting totally fucked if you are anywhere close to crossing this pre- “MeToo” demarcation..  And by fucked I mean that literally- by your psychotic 270 pound cell mate.

Which somehow brings me to a second thought I have.  Where in the hell was all this contemptuous gyno-energy during the presidential campaign?   I’ll admit I can’t figure out women, but I will never understand how a man exhibiting this type of aberrant behavior and running for president of the United States failed to light the fire.  Sadly it seems if Harvey Weinstein just would have been ratted out in the summer of 2016, there would have been a far different presidential outcome and the country would be significantly better off for it.

Which brings me to my third thought.  Actually it is more a suggestion.  I think this movement needs some internal housekeeping, a cleansing within your own ranks.  Please go find that woman wearing the “Trump can grab my pussy” tee.  She needs some serious counseling from your organization.

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Trophy Comfort

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November 6, 2017

During a press appearance at a Tokyo golf course this afternoon, President Trump dedicated a golf trophy to the shooting victims who died during the Sutherland Springs church massacre.  “The people of Puerto Rico really seemed to enjoy the one I dedicated to them,” the president stated.  “What happened in Texas was such a terrible thing.  I  thought everyone would appreciate a nice, beautiful trophy.  Throw in a bunch of prayers and people will be feeling a lot better.” Since there was no tournament taking place on the golf course, the president was asked where the trophy came from.  He replied that he always keeps a spare on hand whenever he travels because they always make him feel good.  “It probably has something to do with my collection of trophy wives,” the president said wryly.

No official press conference was scheduled, but President Trump did spend a short time with the media discussing the slaughter at the Sutherland Springs church.  In anticipation of a query about gun control, the president artfully defused the situation by stating the horrific incident was not a gun problem, but rather a mental health problem.   “The American people know that now is not the time to talk about gun control. It is time to roll up our sleeves and do absolutely  nothing.  What is needed is a bunch of prayers.  So let’s everybody say some prayers, but maybe just not in church till all this blows over.  And of course the trophy will help a lot.’

 

Trump Gets “Up” Around Any Kind of Trophy

 

 

 

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