Trump’s New Oh! number is Shocking 3.5

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Yesterday the Bureau of Labored Statistics (BLdS)  issued its annual report, and  there were some  interesting  conclusions included that had never before surfaced during any previous study.  One of the figures that has caught the attention of political observers is the “obfuscation” number, or “Oh!” number, as it is commonly called.  As it relates to current politics, the study included only those people who adamantly support the president, and the “Oh!” number is simply the average number of times it takes President Trump to say something before a typical supporter of his believes it.  Somewhat surprisingly that figure turned out to be 3.5.

Until this recent report was issued, most political pundits were under the impression that the president only had to mention something once and his core followers would accept it as dogma.  That the report concludes the official number is over three times  what had previously been assumed is something that caught the White House by surprise.  When asked about the anomaly at a press conference, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders noted that the number 3.5 was an average of the results.  “Believe me the minute the president says something, the really smart people pick it up right away,” said the press secretary.  “Look, I’m not saying all the other people are dumb or anything. There are a number of reasons someone might not catch on as quickly as others.   A lot of folks are old and maybe they might not hear too well.  Maybe they like to check with Sean Hannity before they draw a conclusion.  Look, 3.5 seems like a ridiculously high number to me but the important thing is in the end people know the mainstream media is always lying, and most important of all is that once you become one of the president’s believers you will always be able to understand the truths he speaks of, and the miseries of your life will completely vanish, and when you die you will go straight to heaven.”

BLdS administrator Stanley Grossman did point out that during the survey there was a very consistent finding that tended to skewer the outcome towards the large number.  He called it the “Giulliani Factor.” Grossman stated that when  the survey participants were shown  various pictures of prominent administration spokespersons, those of Rudy Giuliani elicited  a perplexingly  wide range of responses.  Grossman attributes that to the confusion Mr. Guilliani created with some of his statements that completely contradicted the president’s positions.   48% of the survey remarks about Mr. Guilliani were along the lines of “Doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground.”  (Interestingly, that was the exact phrase used by 31% of those surveyed).  However, 37 % said something to the effect of “Huh? I’m not sure but I think the president said he always went to Lake Tahoe for a religious retreat, not to meet porn stars, so I’ll check with Fox News for the real story.” The remaining 15% generally asserted that Mr. Giulliani should seriously consider having some dental work done.

Mr. Grossman admitted  that much of the survey was probably taken before Mr. Guilliani had a full grasp of  President Trump’s creative methods  of explaining facts. “It takes courage and someone with a strong stomach to go on national television and claim to believe a typical Trump truth.” Grossman stated.  “But it looks like Mr. Guilliani is finally getting the hang of it, and  it’s  my opinion that by the time our survey is taken next year, the Guilliani factor will be immaterial.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Oh! number pretty close to a perfect 1.Oh!.”

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Trump Pleased with New Direction of Witch Hunt

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The Mueller investigation isn’t all bad news for President Trump.  In fact, recent disclosures during the past week have caught the attention of the president’s supporters and he has astutely  taken advantage of the situation.  Things started to unexpectedly turn in the president’s favor when two witches who were arrested last week decided to “flip” and spill their guts.  During intense interrogation of the suspects rounded up in what is being labeled as the “witch hunt arm” of the investigation, witches Desdemona Dark and Bovina Dudd  disclosed some startling information.

Both witches more or less confirmed that indeed, as the president suspected, there likely was a spy implanted in the Trump presidential campaign. Though neither of the witches knows for certain if the spy they are referring to is a government agent, both are positive something even more sinister is involved.   They contend that the spy is a male witch.   Known to them only by the name of “Shadow,”  the two women stated they had attended several sorceror conventions and retreats together and at first both judged him to be an upstanding and first rate witch.  As time progressed however, they felt he was “completely out of sorts” and” just not right.”

According to Dark and Dudd, early in the 2016 presidential campaign Mr. Shadow met Kellyanne Conway at a political rally and was immediately attracted to her.  Thinking she had the potential to become his perfect companion in love as well as sorcery, flirtation evolved into fixated infatuation.  Initially spurned by Mrs. Conway, Mr. Shadow pursued her relentlessly.  The day before the Indiana primary in May of 2016, Dudd and Dark were deep in the forrest collecting frogs and newts, when they ran into Mr. Shadow at a favorite bog.  That is when the two female witches become suspicious of Mr. Shadow’s intentions.  He inadvertently revealed that he was looking for a  particular species of serpent’s tongue, and that was an immediate tip-off that he was concocting a spell- binding love potion called a  philtre.  Dark and Dudd became exceedingly alarmed, for philtre’s are strictly forbidden in modern sorcery.

Witches Dark and Dudd at a Recent Fetish Auction 

Attending to their caldron one afternoon a month later, Dark and Dudd’s worst fears were confirmed.  While they were watching a televised news clip of a Trump campaign rally in New Jersey, they both are certain they saw Mr. Shadow and Mrs. Conway holding hands off stage.  Although using a philtre as a means to achieve romantic conquest is what Dunn and Dark found primarily disturbing, what Representative Devin Nunes uncovered is what is politically and criminally relevant.

Upon investigating Mr. Shadow’s background, Congressman Nunes heard from an undisclosed source who heard it from another guy that when Mr. Shadow’s father was a child, he would eat nothing but Post Toasties, a breakfast cereal  which at that time had published on the back side of the box information that enticed the nation’s children to join the “Junior G-Mens club,” an organization created to promote youth law enforcement interest, but was eventually revealed to be a surreptitious tool for future FBI recruitment.  Not only that, Nunes has almost absolute proof that Mr. Shadow himself at one time told a grade-school acquaintance that when he grew up he was going to be an FBI agent- or a fireman.  Nunes is convinced this damning information proves there was an FBI connection.  In light of that and the reported witch misconduct, Nunes is convinced that the regular arm of the Mueller investigation is corrupt and is demanding it’s dissolution.

Shortly after this startling story broke, investigative authorities launched an intensive search for Mr. Shadow, but can find no trace of the mysterious witch.  Though Mrs. Conway stated she knows Mr. Shadow, she regards him as just a casual acquaintance and has denied culpability. She has been asked to take a temporary leave of absence however.

Anyone who knows the whereabouts of Mr. Shadow (pictured at left) is asked to contact their local police department  

Seizing unexpected opportunity, President Trump has been sending a barrage of tweets the past few days, each condemning all those who served in the FBI and/or engaged in witchcraft  during the Obama administration, as well as assuring his dedicated followers that sometimes a witch hunt isn’t so bad.

President Trump’s attorney Rudy Giuliani wasted no time to point out the obvious.  “To paraphrase our great President Lincoln,” Mr. Guilliani stated during his Fox News interview yesterday, “you can fool some of the people all the time, all the people some of the time, but you can never fool our base.  We know what’s going on here and it’s spying.  And a witch spy, well that’s unheard of.  That’s as low as it gets.  Who knows what spells and hexes are floating around now. Sometimes, you know I get these feelings, like I just feel– off.  For no reason.  Could that witch be responsible?  Maybe.  Like whenever I say some of that stupid stuff that makes President Trump look like a Russian lackey or a lecherous whoremonger.  You have to think there is a good chance it’s the work of the witches.  I tell you they are up to no good.”

Related Story: FBI Nabs Coven of Witches

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ATTENTION: Big Fire Sale at Trump White House- Don’t Miss Out!

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Ok.  A “bit miffed” is hardly how I feel about this shit Government for Sale.  What is going on here?  Is it possible that the man governing the county is this brazen?  The guy who’s speeches at every one of his political rallies past and present contains anti-China rhetoric that inflames the attending masses into jingoistic hysteria.  The guy that professes we must take away jobs in China and bring them back home.  The guy that threatens to punish countries that do any business with Iran or North Korea. That guy?  And on top of it with this maneuver Trump chooses to discard the warnings of U.S intelligence sources that the phones mentioned could be used to conduct espionage.   I guess its’ OK to ignore inconvenient U.S. law and national security and change political/trade policy course  as long as the pay-off is more money into the president’s pocket.  Somehow Trump has managed to avoid addressing the hypocrisy of  using foreign labor to manufacture his branded products.  But this!  WTF!

Then there is this Pay for Play  Unbelievable.  A little less than a year ago when a Qatar  billionaire and former prime minister of the country declined to invest in the Kurshner’s financial albatross, all of a sudden the Trump administration threw support behind the embargo that Saudi Arabia and three other regional countries instituted against Qatar.  Now that the the Kushner’s have essentially persuaded a Qatar backed investment company to bail them out, all is well and President Trump has instructed the middle eastern states that are blockading Qatar to end the sanctions.

This is absolutely in-your-face corruption, and you could easily call the Kushner case extortion.  Both of these exploitive developments just recently occurred, within days of each other.  But there is no kind of lingering discussion about any of it, because, once again, the news cycle involving the Trump administration is diverted by yet more scandal and attempted obstruction. Every time one door of the Mueller investigation appears to be closing, another one opens up.  The list of characters involved in campaign intrigue grows longer every week.  How Giuliani can make a demand that Mueller wind up his investigation is absurd.  The loose ends that keep cropping up are evolving into a Gordian Knott.  From my perspective unraveling this mess could go on for years.

Unless the investigator is really, really good.  Which brings me to my personal conspiracy theory.  Mueller is that good and Trump knows it.  It’s the only explanation I can think of that would propel Trump to contradict entrenched policies of his that stoke his base of support.  And the Kushner thing should not be ignored.  Father and son have been scouring the world to find someone to save them from bankruptcy, and Qatar has thrown them a life-line.  The end is near, but so what?  Trump connections have salvaged his son-in-law’s business, and the president might as well personally cash in at every opportunity before the roof caves in.  What’s going to happen?  Kushner’s have a signed agreement with a Qatar investment firm, and basically whatever schemes Trump can come up with to pile up personal wealth will be untouchable.  He might as well keep milking the cash cow  while he still can.

The good news here if you are disgusted with the Trump presidency is it really appears Mueller has something on Trump he will not be able to deny.  Whether it is collusion, corruption, obstruction, conspiracy, treason, or egregious financial misconduct, Trump’s Gordian Knot of malfeasance  is so complicated that at its untying there is bound to be something personally embarrassing.  One thing for sure.  Whatever the outcome of the Muller investigation, Trump and his family will be laughing all the way to the bank.

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France’s First Lady Makes “Hazmat Chic” Fashion Statement at White House Dinner

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from International Fashion Magazine

French President Emmanuel Macron might have stolen all the political  headlines during his recent Washington DC visit, but his wife Brigette was the talk of the town in the fashion world.  The impeccable taste of France’s First Lady was on full display, from the time she arrived in the U.S  wearing a bright pink Louis Vuitton jacket to her departure, adorned in a sleek A-line minidress.   But her bold personal style was especially prominent during the opulent White House state dinner.

Mrs. Macron wowed the crowd, wearing a creation that designer Pierre LaFoone calls a  preservatif corporel.  Definitely a fashion “original,”  the gown is a tightly woven blend of  white chambray and grosgrain with overlaying white ribbon.  The word is Mrs. Macron wanted to wear something that would make a statement as well as a fashion splash, something Mr. LaFoone says inspired the gown’s inception.  “Basically Mrs. Macron wanted President Trump to get the message that she really didn’t appreciate all the grabby stuff that went on during his previous visit to France.  I mean come on, all the whoring around that guy does would make anyone uncomfortable.  A simple hand shake with him and I’d be inclined to take a hot shower,” LaFoone proclaimed.

Mrs. Macron in her preservatif corporel with the French President and President and Mrs. Trump

And speaking of uncomfortable, when asked if the apparel was possibly intolerably warm, Mrs. Macron said that surprisingly that is not the case.  “The peace of mind you have knowing you won’t catch something intractable from President Trump is comforting in itself.  Even if I was sweating like a sow in a sauna it would be worth it,” the First Lady stated.  She went on to say that she has had inquiries about her gown from a number of wives of heads of state who have upcoming Trump visits on their agendas.  It seems Pierre LaFoone has a real fashion hit on his hands.

 

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FBI Nabs Coven of Witches!

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In what has to be considered an unlikely turn of events, the FBI announced today it has apprehended a coven of witches.  FBI Assistant Director Charles Moots stated the department became interested in pursuing the witch angle after repeated suggestions from President Trump, and it has been conducting secret investigations for several months.  “The president kept insisting we had this witch hunt thing going on, and at first we weren’t sure what he had in mind.   We certainly didn’t want it to look like the department wasn’t doing it’s job, so we had a team of agents look into it,” Mr. Moots reported. The assistant director singled out agent Herb Badgeman  for his insightful investigative work.  “Agent Badgeman spent a lot of his free time researching the habits of witches, and obviously it paid off,” Moots stated.

   Left: Coven of Witches Arrested in City Park

Agent Badgeman certainly had an interesting story to tell.   “My partner and I were just sitting on a bench in Montrose Park, when I noticed a bunch of flies circling a pile of plucked bats next to a garbage can.  Like all crime investigations you just have to know what to look for.  We followed the trail of dead, eyeless newts, toeless frogs and various other mutilated amphibians and that led us to the witches hiding in the forrest.  We got there just in time.  They wouldn’t admit it but I’m certain they were about to carve up the puppies they had concealed in the woods.  I am very well aware one of the things witches spice up their caldron of stew with is dog tongue,” Badgeman emphasized.

Mr. Moots had high praise for President Trump.  “Without the president’s dogged persistence we never would have cracked this case,” Moots proclaimed.

And Mr. Moots was not the only one passing out accolades to President Trump.  In appreciation for saving the lives of all those puppies, the national organization of the ASPCA ceremoniously presented to the president a commemorative plaque that recognized his contribution to the prevention of crime and animal cruelty, as well as the unacceptable practices of the occult.  The award was delivered by none other than McGruff the crime dog.

 

 

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Recent Polling Tilting in President’s Favor

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Last week’s polling results seem to indicate President Trump’s favorability ratings are on the upswing.   Though his Vehemently Enthusiastic numbers slipped 2 percentage points into the Mildly Disappointed range, it would appear that modest decline is offset by the dramatic 12 point shift from the Despondently Suicidal upward to the slightly less unfavorable Mind-numbingly Apathetic.  It is unclear if these polling deviations were due to recent intensive investigative probing or if there is some kind of psychological adaptation occurring.  Those polled were asked to give a response to several questions related to the president’s governing policy, administration, and past and present conduct.  Topics covered included:

Nepotism and related corruption, repetitive failure of administrative officials to complete federal disclosure forms,  Stormy Daniels, cover-up, hush money, rampant cabinet corruption and abuse of power, bloated personal and family travel expenses, Russian involvement in democratic processes, campaign involvement with Russians, obstruction of justice,  personal involvement with Russians,  the Mueller investigation in general, hypocrisy of Asian production of Trump products,  administrative staff turn-over, administrative staff incompetence, ignoring proper personnel vetting processes, Access Hollywood tape, hiring former lobbyists, the Steele dossier,  Karen McDougal, juvenile name-calling and bullying, Steve Bannon, personal “fixer” Michael Cohen, political/personal conflicts of interest, violations of the emoluments clause, refusal to release  tax records, tax evasion, Carl Icahn, condoning insider trading,  admiration of diabolical despots, professional hiring/firing practices, grasp of basic domestic policy, grasp of basic foreign policy, mocking the physically handicapped,  inconsistent Middle East military strategy,  multiple sexual assault allegations, reading competency level, incomprehensible ability to convince white evangelical Christians to abandon Christian principles, understanding of scientific data and inquiry, acceptance of responsibly, Paul Manafort, money laundering, distorting reality, paranoiac criticism of media and law enforcement, obsessive/compulsive television viewing, creepy physical attraction to daughter Ivanka, incoherent rants and tweets, inability to tell the truth, threats against political opponents, threats against common citizens, demonizing minorities, condoning activity of known hate groups, demolishing public safety safeguards, expansion of religious exemptions to anti-discrimination protections, James Comey, undoing expansion of overtime pay,  endangering worker safety, stifling consumer protection agencies and thwarting financial industry safeguards, hypocritical hiring of undocumented workers, concealing White House visitor log, withholding DC Trump hotel documents, Michael Flynn, narcissistic and self-congradulatory rhetoric, multiple bankruptcies, stiffing creditors and contractors, tenant intimidation, housing discrimination, mafia ties, Trump University fraud, inordinate number of golfing excursions, self-dealings of Trump Foundation, estate tax repeal and other tax breaks for the wealthy, misleading the public about who benefits from tax plan, lying about how tax plan affects personal finances, duping the general public by insisting Mexico will pay for a border wall, caving to hedge funds and private equity firms, massive cuts to student aid, allowing big companies to pollute our air and water and otherwise inflict irreparable damage to the natural world.

When people were asked how they were able to extract themselves from the group considering suicide, poll participant Troy Smuckers suggested folks do what he did and enlist the help of a local mental health facility.   “It’s all pretty overwhelming and I came real close,” he said.  “Fortunately I got in touch with Steve at the Trump Help Line downtown and he said what has been helping a lot of people is simply taking a 20 pound sledge hammer and knocking out a wall of their house.  Guess what?  Steve was right!  Now that huge hole in the side of my house is a lot bigger problem then all this fucking bullshit Trump is shit-staining the country with.  Ya. I feel pretty damn good!”

 

Mr. Smuckers attributes his more positive outlook on life to the purchase of a 20 lb sledge.

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Pruitt Surges in Trump Cabinet Corruption Sweepstakes

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Almost overnight EPA Secretary Scott Pruitt took over first place in the Trump Cabinet Corruption competition.  Sweepstakes chairman Fred Diddly indicated the revelations in the past few days were unprecedented and impressed everyone on the review panel.  “You gotta hand it to Scott.  He took paranoia to another level with all the security he thinks he requires. Four million tax dollars and it’s only April.  I don’t know how he ever got the government to pay for his 20 member security team when he went to Morocco, especially when you consider the only thing he discussed  there was American natural gas, which has nothing to do with his department.  You have to admit the guy’s got hutspa.   The graft involved in the condo rental from a congessional lobbyist was striking in itself, but for me what put him over the top was that thing where he has his personal chauffeur blast an emergency vehicle siren in order to work his massive security entourage through DC traffic so he can get to his favorite restaurant in a timely manor. The man might be in a league of his own,” Mr. Diddly asserted.

Left: Secretary Pruitt explaining to the sweepstakes panel the level of corruption he feels he has accomplished so far

When asked to comment, Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke, who is now in second place, did not seem concerned.  “Look, you all know what I am capable of.  I don’t think spending $139,000 on office doors is something you can thumb your nose at.  I move the ball in big chunks.  It won’t take me long to catch up.”

Treasury secretary Steven Mnuchin could not be reached for comment, but the review panel universally agreed he has to be worried now.  Mnuchin, who for a short time occupied the top spot, has got to feel the honor is slipping out of reach.  Outlandish travel expenses and standing with your wife on an airport tarmac flaunting your elite status seems very unoriginal in light of what Secretary Pruitt has accomplished.  There are rumblings that he could fall all the way back to fifth, behind Secretaries DeVos and Carson.

And what is up with those two?  Stuck in a tie now for fourth, neither seems willing to go on the offensive.  The panel’s predominant thinking is HUD Secretary Carson could be flailing.  Canceling the $30,000 dining table purchase for his office showed the pressure might just be too much for him.  However there is a report circulating that Secretary Carson might be thinking about a comeback by engaging in flagrant nepotism once again. Involving his son Ben Jr. or possibly other relatives in agency programs might be something that could boost the secretary’s standings.

The problem with Education Secretary DeVos is how the panel interprets corruption.  Yes, the two hundred million dollar family donations to the Republican party over the years opened the appointment door for her, but what has she done lately?  The sweepstakes panel is reluctant to categorize mind-boggling stupidity and fleecing public schools and shortchanging American students as corruption.  However, Mr. Diddly was quick to point out the conflicts of interest charges still swirling about Betsy.  The  education department’s ties to a DeVos investment firm that provides student loans is keeping her solidly in the running.  “I believe when she deregulated student loan companies, Secretary DeVos put herself in a strong competitive position.  The potential for profiteering here by the DeVos’s is encouraging,” said Mr. Diddly.

Ever alert to what happened to HHS Secretary Tom Price before he could complete his round of corruption,  it has been reported that both secretaries Pruitt and Zinke are ready to throw caution to the wind and score as many points as possible.  Zenke, emboldened by his move that slashed the acreage of two national monuments in Utah in half in order to clear the area for mining, is considering opening up a large swath of Yellowstone Park to oil and gas exploration.  Not to be outdone, secretary Pruitt has given all U.S. paint manufacturers approval to produce miniature cans of lead-based paint in colors black and orange and market them for Halloween hand-outs, and has a plan to replace all the playground sand in Oklahoma city parks with granular Dursban.

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Facebook Shenanigans

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As you are now well aware one of the best places around to get fake news is right here on Facebook.  Well guess what?  Apparently my fake news is too fakey or not fakey enough, or something.  My secret sources are telling me they never saw my last two posts.  Something fishy is going on here.  I am reposting both- Trump Organization To Test Lucrative Pornography Market and White House Tragedy    If you enjoy great fake news click on these links. You don’t want to miss out.  I know Facebook is in the process of taking measures to restrict bad fake news, but my fake news is the most honest fake news you can get.   I intend to get to the bottom of this and if I smell discrimination believe you me there will be hell to pay.  You deserve the best  fake news and as always I am committed to delivering it.

                                     

Purveyor of shitty fake news                      Count on me for accurate fake news

Trump Organization To Test Lucrative Pornography Market

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from BUSINESS WEEK UPDATE

The Trump Organization recently announced it will add a pornography segment to the conglomerate’s burgeoning portfolio.  With all the salacious revelations that continue to swirl about President Trump regarding his involvement with a virtual cavalcade of actresses in the adult film industry, acting company executive Donald Trump Jr. was questioned about the timing of this decision.  “Frankly when any normal person analyzes the details here, it’s obvious this is a business opportunity that anyone would take advantage of,” he stated.  Pointing to the almost endless list of windfalls that have fallen into the lap of the company since the president’s inauguration, Donald Jr. seemed perplexed that there would be any implication of impropriety.  “Is this really any different than our company using our political position to rake in astronomical profits from our hotels and rental properties?” Donald Jr. confidently commented.

Donald Jr. went on to outline some specifics of the company’s strategy.  Regarding his father’s sordid reputation, he made it clear the news media was once again deliberately engaging in distorted journalism.  “As always the fake news out there is painting a picture of a glass half empty.  If anything this is a glass half full situation.  In fact, the glass is overflowing with a robust, foamy froth” was how Donald Jr. described the venture.  To make his point, he once again mentioned how successful the company was in the past by leveraging the prestige of his father’s political position with the Trump brand.  By aligning that operating principle with the connection the president has to a vast  assortment of members of the adult film industry,  it became glaringly obvious to Trump management that any Trump Organization entry into the pornography industry had enormous potential for profit and company growth.

Donald Jr. stated that it was the president’s personal attorney, Michael Cohen, who came up with the idea of testing the pornography industry waters.  “It all started with my father’s uncontrollable urge to help those in need.” Donald Jr. stated.  “My dad would be at a gathering and he would immediately be able to spot someone who is suffering silently.  Something about those people always catches his attention,  like, something  really sticks out.  As is typical of his generous nature, he then had Mr. Cohen send them a $130,000 check.  As happens sometimes, the word  got out what a softie my father is and pretty soon Mr. Cohen found himself writing one $130,000 check after another.  When he discovered that these poor people were coincidentally all involved in the adult film business, that’s when Mr. Cohen insightfully recognized opportunity,  Basically he made it clear to our organization that it made a lot more sense to instill dignity in the lives of these people by having them come and work for our company instead of accepting $130,000 hand-outs.”

When asked to comment, Mr. Cohen humbly stated that it is the president that deserves most of the credit for the company’s bold move.  “President Trump is constantly eyeballing attractive opportunities and is not afraid to grab the goods.  These acquisitions are just another example of how he maximizes his bang for the buck.”  The comment triggered questions about capital disbursements, but Mr. Cohen stated he was not privy to that information.  However he did mention that it was nice that he now could finally quit asking for $130,000 extensions on his home equity loan.

                   

Here are just a few adult titles that will soon be labeled with the Trump brand

 

 

Chronological Newspaper Snippets of White House Tragedy

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PRESIDENT TRUMP FOUND DEAD- FOUL PLAY SUSPECTED (Wednesday AM edition)

This morning the nation received the shocking news that the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, died sometime last night.  President Trump’s lifeless body was discovered by the White House butler, Farnsworth Stuffington, at 6:42 am.  Mr. Stuffington mentioned in his official statement  that he became alarmed when the president failed to open his bedroom door to receive his customary breakfast of sausage, bacon, biscuits and gravy and diet Coke.   “He was just lying there stone cold on his back, with that half-eaten cheeseburger clutched in his hand,” Mr. Stuffington said.

 

WH butler Farnsworth Stuffington

The FBI and local DC police were immediately summoned.  Something of particular interest to law enforcement seems to be that half-eaten cheeseburger.  It was taken into custody and held for toxicology testing. ” I’m not accusing the cheeseburger of anything nefarious,” stated FBI agent Boyd Badgeman.  “But the president just passed his physical with flying colors.  Something’s just not right here.”

White House communications staff reported that lab test results should be available in a few days.   Funeral arrangements are pending until a full investigation and possible autopsy are performed.  President Trump’s wife Melania, who has refused to share living quarters with the president until he agrees to undergo a complicated medical fumigation procedure, has been living in an undisclosed location and could not immediately be reached for comment.

A cheeseburger similor to one at left might have been involved in sudden death of president

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POLICE SWITCHBOARDS SWAMPED WITH SELF-ACCUSATORIAL PHONE CALLS (Wednesday PM edition)

Within minutes of media reports of President Trump’s death, dozens of local McDonalds employees called various law enforcement offices to admit criminal involvement.

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” said DC Police Chief Thomas Tueguns.  “McDonalds managers, grill cooks, cash register clerks, one after another, from thirteen different McDonalds locations here, and two in Pennsylvania.  The FBI got a call from a McDonalds employee in Michigan.  They all say they slipped something into the president’s cheeseburger. Emergency switchboards were tied up with these crazy calls all day long,” Chief Tueguns added in exasperation.     ************************************************************************

MULTIPLE SUSPECTS INTERROGATED FOR PRESIDENTIAL THREATS (Thursday PM edition)

Less than 36 hours after President Trump passed away, law enforcement has interviewed  nearly all of those who criminally implicated themselves in his death.  So far 42 McDonalds employees have been detained and held for questioning for threats against the president.  The following are a few  excerpts of recorded remarks of some of these people who work in the DC area:

Dale Swift (grill cook- Washington Harbor location):  I hate the stupid son of a bitch.  I mean, you can take just so much.  I did it and I’m glad I did it!  Lock me up for life.  It’s worth it.

Kra’Vontre Williams (french fry monitor/cashier- Massachusetts Ave location):  You think I’m not smart enough to slip some poison in his burger?  Why you think you be waitin’  twenty minutes for your fries?  I don’t just, like, disappear you know.  I’m back helpin’, pullin’ shit from the freezer.  Hell I could poison anyone I wanted to.  Stupid cracker was gonna get us all nuked. Says he’s all safe and shit at McDonalds.  Guess I showed him.

Timothy Buttersweat (night manager- Wisconsin Ave SW location):  I’m night manager now, but it won’t be long before they promote me to daytime, once they find out about this.  It wasn’t me personally, but let me tell you I have a very dedicated team.  I don’t know which one of them did it, but I am extremely proud of whoever it was.  At least twice a week I would meet with everyone that was closing down with me and we would go over the plan.  See, like everywhere we have our share of vermin running around, so there’s rat poison all over the place.  You just quick-step to the back and grab one of those poison trays and sprinkle a good bit on his burger.  That pompous turd drove by here in his limo at least once a week. He couldn’t resist our cheeseburgers and thought he was safe here.  It was just a matter of time.

Michael “Spike” Sullenrascal (grill cook- East 104th St location):  What a stupid fucker!  He thought we couldn’t poison him?  HA!  Shows ya what a moron he was. I got so sick a’ that bastard flying’ off to his snooty golf courses.  Putter-in-chief, that’s what he was.  Gonna bring back all those jobs from China.  Hell, his businesses probably got jobs.  Instead a’ slinging’ burgers I guess I wouldn’t mind a job at one a’ his places. Only thing is, in order to get to work in the morning, you have ta take a long boat ride— to CHINA!  Fuckin’ scumbag.   You bet I poisoned him. I was ready for him.  Kept my little bottle of strychnine handy right in my pocket.  Here.  Bottle’s right here. I dumped all the poison on his burger so it’s empty now.  What more proof do you want?  I know Jerry is trying to take the credit, but you don’t see no strychnine on him do ya?  I did it, you know it, and I’m the one that deserve all the credit.

Jerry Weaseling (french-fry monitor- East 104th St location)- Oh boy did I do it!  Piece of cake too.  We all got a good laugh out of president Chito spoutin’ off how he’s all afraid of cheeseburgers unless they’re made right here. What a dip-shit!  Now I know you guys been talkin’ to Spike, but he’s full of crap.  All talk, believe me.  That aint strychnine he’s carrying around.  Hell it’s probably just powdered sugar.  Check it out if you don’t believe me.  I’m the one has the concentrated jimmy jones juice. No way I’d be walking around with that shit though.  I stashed it in a special place and just waited for ol’ Trumpty Dumpty to show up.  Man, you’d have to be crazy to take  the risk totin’ that nasty stuff in your pocket.  But Spike really aint crazy.  He’s shifty but he aint crazy.  You can’t believe him. I mean it. He’s all talk.  I’m the one.  I did it and It’s me that deserves the credit.

La’Dee’da Rubright (drive-through attendant- East 39 St location):  Everyone said I gotta do it.  Even my gran momma.  If Trump ever comes in your place girl, you just GOT-TO-DO-IT!  That’s what everyone kept sayin’ cause we all know he’s crazier than a sprayed cockroach.  Sure enough, he pulled right up in his big fancy limousine and ordered a couple cheeseburgers.  I had my special salt shaker all ready.  Keep it hidden behind a stack of paper bags.  Arsenic what’s in it.  Heck you can get it right on Amazon.  My boyfriend said it would never work.  He said the president would figure it out, or like he has some food taster hangin’ around or somethin’.  But I guess that shit worked out pretty damn slick didn’t it?  Planted his fat ass right in the ground.

Jose Ramirez-Gonzalez-Ramirez (grill cook- 14 St SW location):  Si, si.  I deed it.  He send the ICE out and they grab my mother.  Trump- he is bad hombre.   He muy loco if he think a burger I make for heem is safe to eat.  Mexican cooks, they say- una hamburguesa de Trump es uno hamburguesa de muerte.  We are, like, brothers, compenaros.  And we are many.

Adding to the bazaar circumstances that have developed is the fact that law enforcement is not even considering an investigation of any McDonalds business since the cheeseburger was prepared in the White House kitchen.  “The only plausible suspects would be White House staff,” Police Chief Tueguns stated. However, any threat to the President of the United States is subject to Secret Service investigation, so anyone involved in the mass admission will be interviewed and possibly prosecuted.

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VERDICT IS IN- CHEEZEBURGER NOT GUILTY! (Friday PM edition)

Toxicology tests have confirmed the cheeseburger implicated in President Trump’s death was a perfectly fine, upstanding cheeseburger as far as cheeseburgers go, and not tainted in any way.  Chief toxicologist Barry Noseworthy stated,  “Other than the fact that the cheeseburger in question was a typical saturated fat catastrophe and a bit overdone, there was nothing about it that was questionable.  As tragic and untimely as the president’s passing was, I am sure he found the portion of the cheeseburger that he managed to consume before he expired to be very satisfying.”

As the nation mourns,  esteemed televangelist Reverend Jerry Pharisaic summed up the president’s end of life most eloquently when he said, “Like all of us, this great man had his struggles with life.  He loved cheeseburgers, yet he feared them.  But through constant prayer the Lord gave him the strength to deal with this conflict and showed him the way.  Initially the president followed that path to McDonalds. But with God’s help and the president’s own valorous courage, he was able to finally face his demon. We should all take comfort in the fact that the cheeseburger meant him no harm, and that President Trump had to have really enjoyed that final cheeseburger.”

In a related matter, the district’s Chief Medical Examiner, Dr Seymour Graves,  has issued the official pathology report.  Listed as the president’s cause of death is a massive heart attack precipitated by a perilously high cholesterol diet and sedentary life style.

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