Fox News viewers likely heaved a collective sigh of relief with the recent revelation  by the weekend crew of Fox and Friends that racism in the United States  has officially been extinguished.

During a recent program Fox News host Rachel Campos-Duffy assured her audience  that America is the least racist country in the world, and called President Biden a liar by suggesting racism is still problematic. Fox News Drives Stake Into Heart of Racism Co-hosts Pete Hegseth and Will Cain were in total agreement.

With visions of the Confederate flag being waved in the U.S. Capitol Building during the insurrection still etched into many American minds, not to mention the recent hate crimes committed  just since January of this year, like 150 members of the Patriot Front marching down the streets of DC, the  murder indictment dismissal by a Mississippi grand jury  of the woman responsibel for the torture and death of Emmett Till, torchings of synagogues in Austin TX and Bloomfiield NJ, and a mosque in Minneapolis, multiple attacks on poeple of Chinese decent in various cities, a white supremacist sentenced for shooting into two different conveniance stores because in one he saw a Black man and in another he thought he saw a Muslim, a Florida man attacking a group of Black men who were surveying along a public road, a prison sentence for a man who set a cross on fire in a Black neighbor’s yard, as well as books about  Black life being banned from school libraries and whitewashing Black history in textbooks,  all of which had one nosey reporter wondering how Fox News personnel get their own news.

As luck would have it, he chanced upon all three as they were leaving Fox News headqurters, so he pointedly asked them the question: “How do you guys get your own news?”

“Well, Fox News, of course,” answered Ms. Campos-Duffy.

“Same here'” replied Mr. Hegseth

“I get all my information from Fox News” said Mr. Cain

“Oh.  I see,” said the reporter.

According to Fox News, prime time commentator Tucker Carlson’s highly anticipated series “The Sky is Not Blue” will air as scheduled next month.  Carlson has been working on the project for several years and has collected over fifty thousand hours of video from the archieves of the Weather Channel.  He has long held a belief that what you see with your own eyes is not necessarily reality.  He recently stated “Every day you watch the liberal social media present their view of the sky.  But is that really what’s going on?  It looks blue, sure.  But what we have accumulated is survalence video of the sky that the viewing audience has never seen before.  There is no justification for this.  What I will be showing you is what is really happening up there.  As you know by now, we will always tell you the truth and everybody else is lying to you.”

Carlson will set up a studio in London and air “The Sky is Not Blue” from there.

Fox News commentator and America’s festering carbuncle was rushed to an area hospital after collapsing on the floor of the Fox News editing room.  The attending physician, Dr. Charles Smyth,  said it appeared Mr. Carlson suffered a mild intercranial hematoma, possibly caused by excessive mental exertion.  “The other person in the editing room said Carlson did not suffer any physical trauma.  He was just standing there staring at the editing screen, and suddenly collapsed in a limp heap and pool of sweat,” the doctor related.

During a phone consult, prominent New York psychiatrist Dr. Winston Schrinck indicated Carlson’s episode was more than likely emotionally triggered. A Couple of Demonic Forces  “When someone is under immense stress, like suddenly being exposed intercontinently as a pernicious liar and journalistic prostitute, particularly when that person is a public figure with a large audience, the mind quite often will suddenly slam on the brakes so to speak and pop a blood vessel.  I would suspect staring at January 6th tapes was the last thing this patient should be confronted with under the circumstances,” Dr. Schrinck stated. The Tab for Selling Your Soul

When asked what he would predict in the way of a prognosis, Dr. Schrinck was very optimistic.  “Someone like Mr. Carlson with no attachment to any kind of moral or ethical anchoring should expect a full recovery.”  The doctor went on to explain how shifting between fact and fiction takes its toll on the human brain.  “People must understand the complexity here,” Dr. Schrinck said.  “You have a man who invested all this time and effort in creating a completly different reality for a huge segment of society, and then kept tweeking the fabrication night after night.  And this  wasn’t just some insignificant trolling.  This concocted version of factual events kept the hopes of all those dreaming of crushing democracy alive.  Can you imagine the pressure?  But all the while he is fully aware of the truth.”

According to the doctor, the real problem for Carlson occurred when he started reviewing the January 6th tapes.  Since he was so involved with make-believe, yet recently outed as completely cognizant of fact himself, what is he to do with those tapes?  Does he go ahead and keep promoting his make believe world and alter the tapes, thereby solidifiying the adoration of his viewers.  Or does he confront the truth and risk destroying  the trust of the Fox viewing empire.  Dr. Schrinck proposed this conundrum created a mind bending conflict for Carlson and is what caused his vascular episode.

Addressing recovery specifically, the doctor said he expects Carlson to be able to convalesce  completey within a day or two.  “An accomplished liar becomes so attracted to the whole concept of lying that it just becomes second nature.  During hypnotic consciousness a person who has developed a propencity for lying like Carlson will subconciously daydream about lying.  Dreams of lying become so vivid it is quite often comparable to having an orgasm.  I suspect Carlson will be his old self and lying like crazy very soon because that is the path that gives him pleasure.  Should he unfortunately falter and not produce the economic results Fox News expects, the company appears to have a very strong bench of liars on hand who are adequately equiped for replacement.

There’s shit falling out of the sky again.  Grab Your Bullitproof Umbrella    NASA says your risk of injury from their wayward debris is “very low.”  Just 1 in 9,400.  Excuse me!  That’s not exactly comforting. That’s the range of possibilty of dying by accidental electrocution.  When I was a teenager I watched my little brother test the limits of that statistic when he attempted to extract a slice of bread stuck in our toaster with a metal-handled knife.  And according to NASA’s calculation you’re about four times as likey to get speared by their rubbish than dying in a cataclysmic storm.  How many incidents of that type do you read about every day?

Odds of dying from a dog attack are 1 in 69 thousand.  I realize we’re talking death here, but once I was attacked by a dog.  I was walking back to my apartment from a park where I had been practicing my pitch shot with  my 9 iron.  A scrawny, mud-matted mut bolted from his yard and sunk his teeth into the leg of my pants.  Overall I was pleased with my stance and form as the face of my club struck his boney rib cage. Had the little bastard broken any skin on my calf I would have made sure his skull was analyzed for rabbies, conventionally or by the modified 9 iron procedure.

The odds of being injured by a toilet are right there with what NASA is suggesting here- 1 in 10,000.  The CDC actually documents this.  Look it up if you don’t believe me.  Though congress feels gun violence is not the purvue of the CDC,  equally significant is the odds of not serviving the accidental discharge of a firearm. That happens to be 1 in 7,900. Of course in America the odds of dying from a gun assualt are 1 in 221.  And now that 6 year olds are getting in on the action, look for that statistic to become even more alamring.  .Member of NRA Junior

Anyway, just a heads up for a few days.

It has emerged that uncertain political winds have created a spiritual storm within a large segment of the the nation’s Evangelical community.  Rankling that population is the appparent fall from God’s grace of former President Trump and the ethereal ascendancy of Florida Governor DeSantos.  After witnessing the governor’s religous commitment, Beware all ye Pharisees and Democrats  for many he has replaced Trump as the true Almost Jesus.

Typical of the DeSantos believers is Reverend Mike Whiteman.  He sees the wholesale Fox News abandonment of the former president as a clear sign from God that Mr.Trump was a false prophet.  “I believe the hand of the Lord did guide  President Trump.  But it seems incomprehnsible to me that he is really the new messiah after what happened in the midterms.  The true Almost Jesus has to be Governor DeSantos.”

Someone sticking with the former president is Reverend Philip Schonburst.  “Mr. Trump absolutely is and will remain the true Almost Jesus,”  the Reverend stated.  “You can’t dismiss all the miracles he performed for us.  And the obstacles in his life.  Can you imagine what it took to persevere through all those law suites and allegations?  The Lord is watching over him no doubt, and if you ask me only someone with a direct devine connection could get by with all the stuff he’s gotten by with.  Yes indeed.  Mr. Trump is certainly still the Almost Jesus.”

Without some sort of mystical revelation occuring soon, it is feared a bitter feud is in the wings. To avoid a nasty schism, it has been proposed the two holy men engage  in a walk off across Lake Okeechobee in order to determine the true Almost Jesus.

The National Rifle Association likes what it sees in Georgia Republican senate candidate Hershel Walker.  Though leadership of the organization at first thought it unusual that someone who held a gun to his wife’s head would be an acceptable political candidate for the U.S. Senate, spokesperson Amond “Ammo” Westfall stated that it is obvious the Republican party is aware how popular guns are in America, and Mr. Walker is the perfect agent to champion second ammendment causes.

When asked if he had any personal reservations about the danger Mr. Walker’s wife would be in with a gun pointed at her head, Mr. Westfall replied that he had no concerns.  “I’m certain Mr. Walker had the safety engaged on the pistol, and otherwise was following appropriate gun safety protocol.  This is a very intelligent man who received a degree from the University of Georgia, graduated in the top ten percent in his class, was an FBI agent, and ran a successful food distribution company that employed 800 people. Alternative Facts Party’s Most Viable Candidate  I’m sure Mr. Walker is perfectly capable of understanding the proper way to point a gun at his wife’s head.”

Florida Senator Rick Scott, who is Chairman of the Republican Senatorial Committee, was asked if he had any qualms about the Georgia Republican senate candidate.  Scott indicated he had no apprehensions, and that Mr. Walker represents the kind of forward thinking  the party needs.  “It’s a new time and our party will adapt to a new direction,” said Scott.   “Hershel interjects some unique inventiveness.  In fact we are becoming the party of innovation, in what we say and do, and certainly we can debate whether holding a gun to your wife’s head is appopriate.  But as long as it’s done properly I’m sure many of our voters out there consider it conventional.

Interesting reporting has emerged concerning the sightings of the former president holding court with small gatherings in the middle of his golf courses.  As luck would have it, a casual duffer who was searching for a golf ball he sliced into the rough on the 3rd hole of Trump’s Bedminister Golf Course happened upon one of those secretive conventions very recently. Out of safety concerns for him and his family, he agreed to reveal what he overheard only on the condition of anonymity.

There is pertinent background for this reporting.  This particular closed meeting took place the day after Fox News host Sean Hannity aired his broadcast  that scrolled through the impressive list of probes and litigation former President Trump is facing. Just Another Day at the Office

Recognized in the brush besides Mr. Trump were Mr. Hannity, Rudy Giuliani, and former Trump senior advisor Stephen Miller.  The informant said there were 2 or 3 other people there whom he could not identify.  Mr. Trump seemed to be very anxious about the crimes that had been so publicly  exposed by Mr. Hannity.  Specifically, since it is well known that for some reason the more crime stuff Trump commits, the more sympathy he generates from his admirerers, what Mr. Trump seemed to be demanding from the group were ideas for more crimes he could do that would keep the pity ball rolling.

Things he might consider along the lines of fraud, treason, criminal obstruction and conspiracy were discussed, but Mr. Trump thought those were worn and wanted suggestions for something fresh  he could feel persecuted about.  Though Trump’s sexual assault entaglements are legend, Mr. Giuliani thought resurrecting the “Huffington Post” article might work since it involved a minor. Huffpost  But Mr. Hannity would not get onboard with that idea, saying it was a bit over the top, even for his newscast.

Mr. Hannithy thought arson or bank robbery should be given consideration, but after a point those topics only began to impede delibration.  The group seemed about to give up on finding an appropriate solution when Mr. Giuliani happened to remind everyone about  Mr. Trump’s classic comment about being able to shoot someone on 5th Avenue.  Mr. Miller suddenly interjected that was it. Resolution was staring them in the face all along. His thought was Mr. Trump could easily shoot a wandering migrant that no one would miss and that would not only elicit sympathy for the former president, but gratitude as well.  Mr. Giuliani suggested a better idea might be to shoot one of his personal enemies and kill two birds with one stone so to speak.  He was sure those intensly attatched to MEGAland would be very understanding if Mr. Trump shot Liz Cheney or General Mark Milley.  All agreed the compassion created by justifiable murder would generate overwhelming sympathy for Mr. Trump, and Mr Hannity said that would be the perfect capstone to cement onto his next scrolling list of Trump grievences.

Mr. Trump appeared energized and thanked the group for their input.  Mr. Miller indicated he would be in touch with everyone attending about plan implementation.  Speaking directly to Mr. Trump, Mr. Hannity made the comment that anyone of them would be willing to take a bullet for him.  Right before the group broke up and headed out of the woods, in at an attempt at injecting humor Mr. Hannity asked Mr. Giuliani if he would be willing to be on the receiving end of a Trump bullet.  After pausing for a bit, Mr. Giuliani replied that that would depend on how the impending billion dollar lawsuit being leveled agaist him by Dominion went.  No one laughed.

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After alerting the nation to heretofore unknown governmental storage problems The Emperor’s Emporium    Florida Senator Marco Rubio stated today that he strongly supports storing classified documents in public libraries to aleviate the situation.  Rubio mentioned he got the idea from the Trump legal team.  “When I heard his attorney liken those ten thousand pages of documents that were being stored in every crack and crevice at Mar a Lago to an overdue library book, it dawned on me that public libraries are the perfect solution  to Washington’s overburdned storage system,” Rubio stated.

When asked if his proposal was even feasable with all the extra security that would have to be implemented, Rubio seemed unconcerned.  Reiterating his previous statement that storing top secret documents at a beach resort is no big deal, Rubio went on to say that libraries are already accomplished when it comes to storing printed matter, and  librarians could be brought up to speed in no time.  He did mention that he doesn’t personally know any city librarians, but said one of his chlldren once went to their local library and had a very pleasent experience with Ms. Munger, the head librarian.

In a phone call with  Ms. Munger (pictured) she said she didn’t see a problem storing the nuclear secrets of various nation states, but she seemed fearful the presence of printed details of the sexual escapades of foreign leaders on her shelves would likely ruffle the feathers of many Florida parents and create chaos at local school board meetings.