That mysterious illness that has afflicted President Trump has finally been explained.  As reported earlier last week, the president has had to cancel or cut short a number of meetings, group photo sessions and conference calls, not to mention interrupt important television viewing due to an undisclosed ailment.   White House staffers have remained tight-lipped about the situation, but this morning reporters were able to contact the president’s personal physician, Dr. Harold Bornstein.

Dr. Bornstein said that the condition was initially presumed to be a form of stomach  poisoning brought on by some bad burritos the president got ahold of in Buenos Aires during the G20 summit.  But after medical observation of the president for a few days, it has been determined he has a peculiar form of irritable bowl syndrome.  It seems that it is all related to the unconventional use of his gut.  Apparently the president was born with an intestinal tract that is capable of performing many of the decision-making tasks ordinarily delegated to the human brain.  Trump’s Insightful Gut.  “Imagine tossing down six pieces of KFC,  three helpings of mashed potatoes and gravy, a huge, beautiful piece of chocolate cake and a couple of diet Cokes and then asking  the organs responsible for digesting all of that to deliberate the pros and cons of a U.S. ground invasion of Iran.  You have to figure over time the entire alimentary canal is bound to get pretty over-taxed.  It all just finally caught up with hm,” Dr. Bornstein pointed out.

One of the main triggers of the president’s condition is what Dr. Bornstein labeled “Muelleritis.”  As the doctor explained the syndrome, the mere mention of the special prosecutor’s name now precipitates an unpleasant urgency to surge  through President Trump’s bowels and he must  drop everything he is doing in order to attend to his distress.

Though things seem a bit dire for the president at the moment, Dr. Bornstein is optimistic of a positive outcome.  A dedicated team of medical professionals, which includes an internist, a gastroenterologist, and two psychiatric specialists, is working around the clock to  develop a personal exercise regimen for the president  that will help him train his gut to shift cognitive tasks it is presented with upward to his brain, where they are more traditionally dealt with.  Dr. Bornstein said the ticket to a complete recovery is making sure the president adheres to medical advisory updates, cuts his twelve hour work week in half, gets plenty of bed rest and follows a strict diet of Fox News,

The Entire “Cognition Reformatting Cadre” Will Confer With the President Twice Weekly to Monitor his  Progress

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