With death threats being hurled at them from every direction, jittery U.S. elected officials are abandoning re-election plans left and right. As a result, 2022 is shaping up to be an unprecidented year for ambitious political neophites. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said he’s never seen anything like it. “It used to be just the Democrats had to worry about getting shot. But all of a sudden, threatening phone calls and emails are becoming an every day occurance for Republicans as well. That is simply unacceptable.”
When congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene was recently queried about the increasing amount of vitriol being leveled at public servants, she had a more optimistic spin on the unusual situation. “It is public knowelege that I believe the best solution to all our problems is to fire a bullet into Nancy Pelosi’s head.” She went on to praise her colleague congressman Paul Gosar for stepping up and sharing his video fantasy of beheading Democratic Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortes on social media. “A beheading fantacy is nice, but I am a bit surprised he didn’t involve working over her big mouth with a Dremel tool and vice-grips. After all he is a dentist.”
In Colorado, reporters reached out to Representative Lauren Boebert and asked her opinion about all the threatening derangement. Conducting the interview at the shooting range in her Rocky Mountain home, she was asked if she thought Gosar’s video was appropriate. Ms. Boebert replied with a one word answer: “Bullseye!” she said, as reporters bore witness to the 10cm hole in the middle of the image of Dr. Fauci’s face, a favorite paper object Boebert family and friends use to hone their shooting skills.
During a press conference yesterday, Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy addressed this roiling subject in conjunction with the confusing House Republican voting record. Several concerns revolved around the recently passed infrastructure bill. McCarthy was asked why Republicans voted almost unanimously against something the majority of their constituents are begging for. McCarthy explained that every American has the right to choose not to drive on smoothly paved roads and safe bridges. He made it abundantly clear he was positive our freedom loving country was fed up with the Democrat’s socialistic agenda of forcing clean water down their throats.
Pressed about seemingly contradictory House censure votes, McCarhty stumbled a bit. When asked why he thought it was appropriate to strip committe assignments from the 13 Republican representatives who voted for the overwhelmingly popular infrastucure bill, but refused to censure Gosar for an outrageously offensive and inflammatory video, McCarthy mumbled something about baby carrots and passed the question off to G.O.P. flamethrower Jim Jordan.
“We love Paul Gosar,” Jordan declared. “We need more patriotic dentists like him running the country. It’s just like snowflake Democrats to make a big issue out of this beheading business when everyone knows how hard it is to aquire a decent sword nowadays. Who goes out looking for a sword when you can pick up a perfectly machined assault rifle for practically pennies? We need people like Paul Gosar in our party- people with a provocative imagination who think for themselves as long as they agree with whatever ego enhancing and self serving directive trickles down from our authoritarian leadership. If you are fed up with being told what to do by a horde of bureaucratic Marxists, tired of all the tortuous masking up cruelty, are willing to go the extra mile and forgo a covid vaccination, jeapordizing your own life and keeping a lethal contageon active out of sheer spite for the current Democratic administration, then you my friend are just what our party is looking for. Make no mistake. We have our best people out there making sure these political offices keep opening up, and the 21st century Republican party wants Republican leaders like Paul Gosar filling those positions. They are the the driving force behind the Republican Party’s remarkably simple ideology- the stick together or you might get shot platform. Join us. It will be a blast.”