After final passage of the Trump “Tax Cuts and Jobs Act,” members of congress gather on the White House grounds for a rousing round of congratulatory back-slapping and congregate around the press podium and microphones. Representative Paul Ryan steps up to speak.
Executive, Legislative Celebration
Ryan: “Mr. President, it is an honor to stand here and celebrate with you. We could not have accomplished this without your exquisite leadership. The people of America can now finally experience real economic progress as we initiate entitlement program abatement in the coming years. You are truly an inspiration.”
Ryan steps away from the podium and is replaced by Senator Mitch McConnell
McConnell: “Exquisite leader and Inspiration indeed Mr. President. But you are more than that. You are a great man and unparalleled political thinker. Just look at your accomplishments. Your deregulation initiatives have set the tone for a new America powered by coal. No one has ever done more to make sure our country leads the way in keeping this planet pleasantly warm. The whole world is appreciative. You have set so many records- why it’s impossible to keep track of them all. Just take a look at how you made sure our mining industries have handy access to all our pristine water resources. What an economic triumph! If I might interject a personal note Mr. President, my favorites of all your deregulations are the ones involving air quality. We kind of had to sneak some of those by the general public, but boy will they be in for a nice surprise when they find out what they are inhaling is not nearly the same as what they’ve been used to. Like you say, Mr. President, it’s all about jobs. Once we get all the air around us to be more interesting, like it was in the good ol’ days before all these darn regulations, there won’t be such a thing as unemployment. And now our coal miners can get down in there and do their work without fear of cumbersome safety regulations. You’re really taking care of our miners Mr. President, just like you promised. I speak for Kentucky and the entire nation when I say thank you Mr. President.”
McConnell steps aside to make way for Senator Orrin Hatch who has been tapping him on the shoulder for the last 30 seconds.
Hatch: “What a momentous day for us all Mr. President. Not only are you an inspiration and exquisite leader, great man and unparalleled political thinker, but even more importantly, after this day, it can be stated undeniably that you are a great president, and I dare say without a doubt in my mind, no, it’s no dare let me tell you, it’s a fact. With this tax bill you will go down in history as one of the greatest- no, not one of the greatest. You will be recognized as the absolute greatest president- ever. And I’m not talking just here in America. I mean in the entire world. Every democracy on the planet will praise you and seek your advice. I, along with the entire state of Utah and everyone in America thanks you Mr. President. By golly these new tax laws are really going to get the economy moving. You can bet there’ll be all sorts of new construction going on now that all our hard working corporate executives have so much extra cash to fund the new wings on their mansions. Dog gone it this tax bill is so dog gone good even dogs will love it. Like you Mr. President, my wife owns a pass through entity, and man o man with the tax windfall she’ll be getting next year, if I know her, and believe me I do, she’ll be treating her two little pooches to all of those top shelf items at Pet Smart. Mr. President, once again I want to tha….”
Hatch stumbles a bit as Vice President Mike Pence shoulders him aside and takes control of the podium.
Pence: “That’s right Mr. President. This country is so thankful to have you guide us into the future. You are absolutely an inspiration and exquisite leader, great man, unparalleled political thinker and of course I second that thing that you are, as of today, the greatest president to ever walk the face of the earth. Certainly as we reflect upon all of your accomplishments everyone is amazed. But it’s more than presidential accomplishment. Take a look at your life. From humble beginnings you took charge of your own future, and with only the several million your father gave you, you parlayed that and the bankruptcy and tax laws of this great country with the astounding, and perplexingly generous gullibility of the American public and created a massive fortune for yourself. And wow, with this new tax law of yours you have carved out an even bigger fortune. By eliminating benefits for veterans, students and orphans and all those fakers who claim they have some rare disease, you were able to save that well deserved golf course deduction. You represent the epitome of the American dream. Why we don’t even know how massive your fortune is because your great team of lawyers, and as we all know our country is great because we are a nation of laws and such, your great team of lawyers has buried the true value of your wealth amongst a huge volume of paper at the IRS. American families are so grateful to you, especially those burdened by that ridiculous estate tax. Looking out for your children is the most important responsibility a man has, and you have profoundly demonstrated how a simple man can provide untaxed millions for family and friends with the flamboyant stroke of a pen. You have taken the power of the presidency to an historically new level Mr. President.
So impressive is your dynamic life, Mr. President, I have to tell you I have racked my brain in search of an example of a life of comparative import. And in that desperate search, I tell you I have found but one- only one- that stands alone in mirroring your magnificent stature. The man I’m referring to resides in those pages of the sacred book we know as– the Bible. Mr. President, like all good Christians I know you use that holy book to guide your life. I don’t know about you, but when I read the Bible I am always struck by the power of the miracles surrounding the life of Jesus. As you stand before us as President of the United States, most everyone believes that your election might be the single most impressive miracle to have ever occurred in this country. Mr. President, it is such a privilege and honor to serve you, and I think it is only fitting that now, as we move into the future with these momentous new tax laws at our disposal, that I and this august body bestow upon you the official title of— Supreme Almost Divine President of the United States of America.”
After a few seconds of stunned silence, hysterical applause breaks out throughout the congregated group. Much back-slapping and hand shaking quickly generates a state of exuberant pandemonium and congressmen begin to fall to their knees and bow before the newly anointed Supreme Almost Divine President of the United States of America. Curious clouds mysteriously develop overhead, but no one engaged in all the rapture seems aware. The sky turns forebodingly black, and suddenly massive, multiple bolts of lightening are hurled into the crowd.
First, there was the explosion. Witnesses say body parts flew everywhere. One man saw eye balls blown away from their sockets and roll down the street. The blast was quickly followed by a raging inferno. Later it was reported that bystanders were commonly awe-struck by its intensity. What really baffled everyone interviewed however was how not one of the elected officials participating in the ceremony survived, yet there was not a single reported incident of an injury to onlookers. When the blaze subsided and the smoke finally cleared, a smoldering mass of charred flesh and bone was all that remained on the White House grounds.
Heavenly, Judicial Condemnation
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It’s been a year of confusion and despair. That is why I thought it would be a nice gesture to give this story a cheerful ending during this season of hope and joy. Happy New Year to All!
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