Among the items in the infamous shoebox discovered after President Trump’s sudden White House departure was a letter from Steve Bannon dated 1/4/2019. It’s content follows:
Dear Mr President,
In the interest of secrecy I decided to write this letter instead of calling you since there is a pretty good chance your personal phone is still unsecured, Can’t be too careful 🙂 It looks like this government shut down thing is log-jammed and as usual I’m here to help. As you pointed out there is no way you are going to look the fool over all of this wall business and believe me you should not concern yourself with that worry as that bridge was crossed a long, long time ago. I have to tell you though the way out of this mess is just staring you in the face.
As we discussed so many times we need a wall. No doubt. Case closed. I can’t quite remember when I came up with the idea that Mexico will pay for it, but WOW! Was that something. The way those crowds got a boner over that. Holy shit! Well I have a confession to make. I know I told you that was a thing. But I sort of yanked that idea straight out of my ass. I know I should have told you right away I was just pulling your leg, but dog gone it you really caught me off guard when you suddenly heaped all that praise on me for my brilliance. Please consider my position at that moment. I certainly didn’t want to offend you and mention only a lobotomized monkey would fall for that. And then holy crapola the way all those people at your rallies bought into that whopper. I guess for some people getting a 25 billion dollar wall for free makes perfect sense somehow. Everything just snowballed, and what the fuck was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to know how badly our public education system had cratered out?
So, I’m really sorry. I’m sorry too about the rude way you found out I was jerking your chain. I have to say when Vicente Fox told you to go fuck yourself I was appalled. That’s no way for any Mexican president or president of any country to talk. I suspect that’s what led you to show me the door, right? No hard feelings, OK?
Anyway. This shut down is starting to take a toll I believe. Sure there are a million people pretty pissed off at you for not cutting their payroll checks. But have you been outside lately? The stink from the garbage piling up outside the National Mall is starting to whiff over to my apartment. But you have a way out of this. It’s simple. You do what you do best- lie your ass off.
OK. So you fucked up and told the American public you are going to build a wall AND Mexico is going to pay for it. Right off the promise is broken. It’s a lose-lose for you at this point. You potentially broke a promise. There can be no wall unless Mexico pays for it- you sure don’t want to stick the tax-paying public with a 25 billion dollar bill when you promised you’d work some of your fancy dealing magic and dun Mexico. Seems you got your ass in a jam here. But no way Jose. The man in charge is Donald J Trump and don’t you forget that! You got caught in a lie. What do you do? You do exactly what you always do- you tell another lie of course!
What you do is get out your cell phone and start tweeting. You tell everybody Mexico’s new president Lopez Obrador has never told you to fuck off like the past two presidents of that country have, so obviously he is on board with wall funding. You say Jared just got back from Mexico City where he was finalizing the deal, and President Lopez Obrador’s message he asked Jared to relay is “fuck off Donald” and so there you have it that guy is a lying piece of shit and you knew in your gut you should have never trusted him and besides murderers and rapists Mexicans are a bunch of dishonest, lying two faced beaners. Sorry America. I tried. That’s the way it is. Mexico said it would pay, now no way. That’s exactly why we can’t have them in our country. Lock your doors momma because here comes MS 13.
I hope 2019 is as successful as last year, although I’m not sure accumulating an unfathomable number of presidential lawsuits is the way I would go about creating a legacy. But you are the great disrupter so stick to your guns my friend. Happy New Year!
Always your servant
Steve Bannon
PS Just a thought, but if you don’t want to give up on wall proposals maybe start spitballing ideas for a southern Florida sea-wall. Water is seeping into my beach front condo and not sure if you heard but there are a couple of fairways at Mar a Largo that at high tide are now only a foot above sea level.
PPS Please remember to destroy this letter after reading