IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM ON HIGH:  our savior’s commination

HOLY SHIT!!!  What a fool I am.  Mr. Trump the Most Powerful One in the Universe, I am really, really sorry I did not vote for you.  Really.  I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking.  How did I miss the signs?.  You live way up in the heavens and descended through the clouds on a gleaming silver escalator.  That orange halo around your head. Lots of people call what you have accomplished a miracle.  Count me in there.  I am hopeful you will find it in your heart to forgive me.  Unlike all those other people with their heads up their ass, I see where I went wrong and admit it.  I realize I will be outed anyway after the Russians tap into our voting records.  Nice to have those guys on your side.  Smart move.  But if you think about it, I kind of  deserve a break.  I know you didn’t win the popular vote, but the electoral count is what matters.  We all know that.  Boy did you get that straightened out.  Like you said, that thing is a rigged piece of shit.  So many things are rigged.  The whole system as a matter of fact.  The RNC, DNC, the FBI, the media, polls, debates, endorsements, and I’m not sure but possibly cats and trees.  You name it.  And you got it all fixed.  That’s what you can do when you are the Most Powerful One in the Universe.  I see that now.  So what I am thinking is just count my vote in the part that doesn’t matter- the popular vote.  Honestly, so much voting goes on I bet I voted for you at some point.  Sometimes I drink a little too much.

I hope you’ll go easy on this preacher that dared criticize you.  Boy what balls!  Whoever it is sounds a little old school, but you know it was your idea to send this woman to deliver your imperious decree, and sometimes that just grates on a man.  You know how that goes.  No one’s better at keeping a gal in her place than you.  Please don’t think I’m telling you what to do, but I believe Steve Bannon would have been a much more effective disciple to relay your wishes.  You sure did get your money’s worth with that fellow.  You’d be hard pressed to find another that could do a better job keeping all the inferiors feel subjugated.  People have learned the hard way that your order of things must not be trifled with.   Remember too, this cleric is all churchified, as many of us are, and there is that sticky business with the ten commandments we all get worked up about.  To be honest with you I am all for a new set of rules.  I’m on your team with that all right.  My neighbor has a pretty nice extension ladder I have been coveting for a very long time, not to mention his wife.  Hubba hubba!  She might not be what you would call a ten, but man what a set of knockers.  I know you would approve.  I’m not at all adverse to some convenient lying and cheating here and there either.  Thanks for all the great tips!

I am curious about something though.  With all the womanizing and grabbing this and that, do you ever worry that a big dose of the clap might grab onto you?  What is wrong with me.  You are the Most Powerful One in the Universe. You’re not just a smidgen powerful.  I bet you can rid yourself of  those nasty spirochetes and chancres with the wave of your tiny hand.  It’s the sort of thing Jesus used to do to help out all those lepers.  I just know there’s gotta be some more Jesus stuff in you.

What I am suspecting is those tricks might come in handy to take care of the pesky commitment you made to be the president for all Americans.  I have to admit your tax proposals and deft gathering of ex Goldman Sachs and Wall Street execs into your circle of financial advisors is just what the chosen few need to make their lives more pleasant.  You have to be proud of how you will be taking care of them.  And of course it goes without saying you should take care of yourself, the Most Powerful One in the Universe.  How your idea to create governmental  positions for family members and use political information to stuff your pockets would bother anyone is just plain ridiculous.   I can’t believe all the stink up over that.  It’s the absolute best way to remain the Most Powerful One in the Universe for Pete’s sake.  Geezuz it doesn’t take a genius to see that.

I was wondering how you plan to help out those of us who reside on the pavement below though.  People absolutely marvel at how you put all those undocumented workers to good use assembling your palace in the sky without hardly  paying them.  Of course!  It’s  the loaves and fishes deal isn’t it?  I’de throw in the water into wine thing but it kind of looks like anything  drinkable might be in short supply after you enact your environmental policies.  I know you have your eye on eliminating food stamps, so I bet your plan is to make things better all around with a universal but bare bones version of Meals on Wheels.  You might keep in mind that people will likely get tired of all the carp and bread though.

God and you know how all the pushing and shoving of this election have taken a toll.  I think it would help you immensely to get away from it all and relax.  Someplace really quiet and secluded.  I have a good friend who has a boat, and I bet he would be glad to drop you off somewhere nice.  How does the middle of Lake Superior sound?  The walk back to shore should be just what you need to reenergize.