PRESENT LIST OF THINGS THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN HAS BEEN TOLD TO STOP USING OR MENTIONING
SONG/MUSICIANS: “Dream On” Steve Tyler. “We Are the Champions” Queen. “We’re Not Going to Take It” Twisted Sister. “It’s the End of the World” R.E.M. “Start Me Up” and “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” Rolling Stones. “Sky Fall” and” Rolling in the Deep” Adele. “Nissan Dorma” Pavarotti. “Rockin’ in the Free World” Neil Young. ” Here Comes the Sun” George Harrison. Anything by Elton John
MINTS/CANDY: Skittles– Mars inc. Tic Tacs– Ferrero Company
FUTURE LIST OF THINGS THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS LIKELY TO BE TOLD TO STOP USING OR MENTIONING*
Geraldo Rivera video, Trump Tower steam room and 2nd Billy Bush tapes suddenly surface and reveal more of Donald’s “locker-room” conversation and ribald antics. After scrutinizing bawdy content about peep holes, unconventional or unauthorized use of various commercial products, and listening to the constant sophomoric giggling that transpired on the audio portion of the tapes, the following businesses and organizations have requested that the Trump campaign never mention, or immediately discontinue any mention of, their products and/or business or organization:
TOOLS/ IMPLEMENTS: cordless drill and bit set– Stanley Black and Decker, Makita Inc., Porter-Cable Company, screw-type C-clamp– Clamp Manufacturing Inc. rope– Rope Manufacturers of America
DESERT TOPPINGS: chocolate syrup– The Hershey Company. Reddi Whip– Conagra Foods Inc.
ANIMAL/VEGETABLE OILS: baby oil– Johnson & Johnson. Crisco’s Pure Corn Oil– J.M. Smucker Company.
HOME DECORE: candles– Yankee Candle Company
CONDIMENTS/FRUIT SPREADS: jams and jellies– Grama’s Inc. J. M. Smucker Company. Sara Lee Coffee and Tea Company. mustard– H.J.Heintz Company, French’s Food Company. mayonnaise– Hellman’s Unilever. Kraft Foods Group Inc.
SPORTING GOODS: Louisville Slugger– Hillerich and Bradsby Company.
MEAT/POULTRY: hot dogs– Hebrew National hot dog- Conagra Foods. Ball Park Franks- Tyson Foods. sausage– United Sausage Makers Company, Johnsonville Sausage LLC, Tyson Foods, Conagra Foods, Hormel Foods Corp. kielbasa– Kowalski Company. cocktail weenies- Bryan Foods Company, Oscar Meyer/Kraft Foods.
PRODUCE: Anything you can grow in a garden– Vegetable Growers Association of America, Future Farmers of America, 4-H Youth Development Program.
OTHER ORGANIZATIONS: Steam Fitters and Plumbers Union. Save the Children Foundation. American Mother’s Inc., American Red Cross, Girl Scouts of America, Boy Scouts of America.
AMERICA’S BASKET OF DEPLORABLE’S
Note to all you ladies sporting “Trump Can Grab My Pussy” tees and for that matter to any of you who believe Donald Trump’s predatory behavior is perfectly acceptable. No doubt your children and relatives are extremely proud of the affectionate display of your wide-open availability, but I have a qualified** questions for you. Where in the hell were you when I was in college?
*This list remains subject to amendment and additions
** qualification: Before that first date we hypothetically would have had, from what I know about you now I assume you would not have minded if I took a gander at your personal health/immunization record.