When President Trump expressed his determined interest to fill the void left by the death of Pope Francis last night, untold numbers of the MAGA faithful flocked to the White House today to observe the official papal inauguration of Pope Trump. With his customary flair and self-approbation, the omniscient new pope signed executive order 129, a confusing “Document of Papal Succession,” that he created and bestows exclusively upon him the pontifical doctrine of infallibility. “I know it seems superfluous,” Deputy Chief of Staff Steven Miller said during the installation. “Everyone knows he’s been divined by God to make America great and his uncanny ability to do everything right is proof of his own infallibility. I think apostolic leaders everywhere are supportive of this appointment.”
The second the papal president held up and displayed the document emblazoned with his unique fibrillating signature, the adoring gathering in the Oval Office broke out in gleeful celebatory applause, and Vice President Vance threw a five gallon bucket of “beautiful” lignite coal into the flaming fireplace. As soon as thick black smoke began hurling from the Oval Office chimney, the official Trump signal of papal succession, and for many an appropriate symbol of his smoldering administration as well, hysterical jubulation permeated the anxious crowd waiting on the White House grounds.
In his public address later Papal President Trump defended his decision to appoint himself Pope. “I had to do something. I mean at the pope’s funeral I’m talking to all these bishops and cardinals and all the people with the funny hats- we love the funny hats don’t we? I wear my pope hat and you’ll know I’ll be all business with the pope stuff. Ah, so I’m at the funeral and I find out it can take weeks, months even, before there is a new pope. Can you believe it? We can’t have that. You just can’t hold up an election while people try to make up their minds. You set a day and you do the election. You wait around for an election and bad things happen. Really bad things. That’s an easy way to rig an election. Everyone knows I always win elections, so here is this election and these guys are just… all confused or something. So to save time I just went ahead and made sure there is a pope America wants. Wait too long who knows what goes on. If these people can’t make a decision, well someone has to step in and do it for them. And let’s face it. Leave the election up to those guys in Italy and those other foreign counties and you don’t know what you’re gonna get. I hate to say it, I mean the guy’s dead, but this Pope Francis got a little carried away with DEI. We can’t have that. Can’t have it. The next guy could be way worse. I made a promise to bring back religion to America, and we need a Christian America with proper Christian values and now we have it. You know I won the Catholic vote. By a lot! Big numbers! So the election, ah everyone knows I would win anyway so I just signed off on it to speed things up, like what everyone is suggesting I do in 2028. I win another election, so what is that? That’s four right? Four. Could be five. Think about it! Five. Five’s a good round number, right?
So Jesus is back! Jesus is back! We love Jesus don’t we? Christmas! Man will Christmas be great this year. The tariffs, beautiful tariffs, and now me, the pope. We are going to be rich, this country will be really rich,.. and ah, holy, of course, can’t forget we’ll be holy too, but rich the likes of which you’ve never seen before. Presents under the tree. Kids are gonna be going nuts, all that stuff under the big beautiful Christmas tree. And Easter eggs! Price of eggs will be down, way down probably lower than they’ve ever been. So anyway, God bless America and God bless, ah God.